Dem Bones Dem, Dry Bones
by slyfoxcub
Summary: Reincarnation. Lovely. At least I have a a powerful Kekkei Genkai and foreknowledge on my side. I want to live to age 30, but nooooo; it has to be a fighting anime with Doomsday plan in motion! Kakashi is a Troll, Shisui can't deal, I'm stalked by an eldritch-ish Aburame and Itachi crashes on my couch now. Say bye-bye to canon! SI Kimimaro. Angst mild/none. No slash pairings
1. Beginning: Escape

**A quick appetizer for you guys while I continue raising the other plot bunnies(for slaughter).**

Just so we're clear, I hate probability. I hated it in math class, I hate how it's related to karma and I hate that it reincarnated me into a shounen fighting anime. Oh, and according to canon? I end up being locked in a cell my entire childhood, being forced by my clan into mass suicide, brainwashed by Orochimaru and dying horribly of a debilitating disease mid-battle.

Yeah, I'm Kimimaro, the last Kaguya. I am currently three and a half and locked in a dark cell. My life has officially never sucked so much, and I know it's only going to get suckier.

At least there are positives.

1) I have one of the strongest Kekkai Genkai currently in use. Think about it; I(canon-future me) fought a Jinchuuriki(Gaara) and a taijutsu _prodigy_ to a standstill/exhaustion, while dying and moving under willpower alone. Basically, I am Badass.

2) I'm going to be in a prime position to affect canon.

3) I can potentially undermine Orochimaru.

* * *

So, what am I currently doing, you ask?  
Well, all of my relatives are such _lovely_ people they deign to _talk_ to me and _lend me things to pass the time_ and _give me nice food_. All sunshine and daisies here; please, note the sarcasm.

I'm making my own entertainment. I sing songs that I remember from my own time, sometimes in English, sometimes I try and translate them into Japanese, but the words never fit quite right. After a lot of careful experimentation, I figured out how to grow bone knives. Thankfully, the whole 'protruding through the skin' thing doesn't hurt quite as much as it sounds. I think my nerves temporarily shut down/disconnect at the the point of exit or something, so it's more of a dull ache.

Now, because I am in a bloody cave, the decor leaves much to be desired. So I tried to grow my bones into animal shapes and make some nice statuettes. Harder than it looks, but certain species are easier. My giraffes are the best of the lot, but mainly I think because they have long limbs anyway. When I got bored of that, I started carving the wall. No, not depressing faces like canon-me, we're talking William Morris, Celtic knot, Henna, Medieval illustration style patterns, scenes, letters, animals and landscapes. I was a pretty sweet drawer in my other life; I got three A-levels in Art and Design.

* * *

Okay, in about two/three years time, I'm going to end up the last of my clan and free. So, I have a plan.

I'm going to join up with Orochimaru.  
Don't give me those looks, just hear me out!

When I meet Orochimaru at that lake, I'm going to lead him back here to the Kaguya clan settlement under the pretense of collecting my stuff, but in reality, I'll give him access to whatever my clan have lying around. Why? Because the reason canon-future-me died so young was because Kabuto didn't have my medical history. It could buy me some time. Also, I would actually like to take my stuff with me.

Then, I'm going to make contact with Juugo, and ditch Orochimaru then and there. I'm taking us both to Konoha. Mainly because I want to screw over Orochimaru by not giving him what he needs to make the Curse Seal. But also, Juugo's a really sweet guy and I want us both on the 'good guys' side in this universe. Konoha has Jiraiya, who could possibly help Juugo, and they have(or will have) Tsunade, who could help me. I could trade them knowledge of Orochimaru's experiments in return, which I'm sure they would like to have.

* * *

Well, this is where everything changes. I'm in front of Juugo's cave. Oh, and I'm holding the fluffy white puppy that he scared off. I'm a sucker for animals, I know, and I'm a dog-person. I tie the puppy to the branch of a tree with some string I have in my sealing 'may-come-in-useful' scroll. I've got everything in there.

The fight with Juugo wasn't much of a fight, I just restrained him with my own spine(which still creeps me out when I do it, because the biology classes from my old life scream at me). I give the 'I will be your cell' speech. And then I change the world.

"I've heard of someone who might be able to help you, Juugo. I'll come with you and try and help you get in contact with him."  
He looks at me with these big puppy eyes and inside I'm just going 'dawwwwww'.

"Really? I don't have to kill anymore?"

"I don't know about that, I can't see the future; but if we get that wild side of you under control, you don't have to worry about killing the people you want to protect."

"Protect?"

Ummm...think of something cool to say...steal Gaara's backstory? "Yeah. In order to really live, you need a purpose. Living for no reason, is the same as being dead. Living for yourself destroys you from the inside out and makes you weak, so you need to live for someone else and protect those precious to you."

"But they'll all see the monster and hate me!"

"Then protect me."

"..."

"I know the real you; I know you aren't a monster and I don't hate you. I'll protect you and others from yourself and you can watch my back."

"Really?"

I smile and nod. "Yeah. Come on now, we can get going right away. If we run, we can make it to the next town by noon."

We walk out of the cave, and then I remember the puppy tied to the tree. Juugo is surprised to see it as I untie it and it runs towards him, yipping happily.  
"I didn't know if he was yours, so I left him out here until I came out with you," I say. Juugo's cuddling it in his arms as he blushes. So CUTE!

"He's not mine, but he followed me around all day yesterday and he didn't want to leave."

I shrug. "He can come with us, I don't mind and I like dogs. And I've heard that looking after an animal has a calming effect."

* * *

And that's how Juugo, the puppy newly-named Chinsei, and I joined up. We stopped at the river behind the town briefly.

"What are you doing?" Juugo asked as he sat on the bank.  
"White hair and red face markings like mine aren't common or natural for civilians," I say, unrolling my sealing scroll. "We need to look like travellers while we go through towns."

I unseal some blankets, cooking utensils and twine. Rolling up the blankets, I tie them with the utensils threaded onto the twine. I cut two large branches from the surrounding trees and smoothed both ends, forming staves. Now, we had two traveller's bundles. I toss one to Juugo, before henging myself. Now I'm a head taller than Juugo, with orange hair darker and more brown than his and stubble on my chin.

"Our cover story is that we're nephew and uncle itinerant workers who've saved up just enough to move to Konoha for a new life. Your name is Juushiro, my name is Kimaru. Your father was killed by bandits and your mother died of sickness in the winter; both when you were quite young. You're excited because you want to learn to read and write and become a successful merchant. Only I can read, but just a little bit, and I want to just own my own house and have a steady job. I call you Juu-kun, which you complain about because you're almost grown up and you refer to me as Kim-oji. Got it?"

Juugo boggled at me for a moment, before nodding hesitantly and hefting his bundle up onto his shoulder. "Ah, Kimi...Kim-oji? We're going to Konoha?"

"Yeah. Konoha's generally the most tolerant of the shinobi Villages. And by that read slightly more ethical when it comes to getting what they want and less likely to stab you in the back if they don't like you. I have a near-extinct Kekkai Genkai, which they'll want, and you're very strong, which they'll also want.  
They also have contact with the man Jiraiya of the Sannin, who's a Seal Master. He's the one I think can help you."

* * *

There are two bandits following us down the road. Shitty job of looking like they aren't interested. Thank God they don't seem to have noticed the songbirds fluttering around Juugo. Still...

"Juu-kun, what have I told about feeding the birds?" I snap. "I know you like birds, but that food is for us!"  
He looks at me, registers the quick flick of my eyes towards our followers and proceeds to play the 'chastised child' card remarkably well.

The bandits keep their distance until Juugo and I stop for the night, kindling a fire and both (feigning) sleeping like ignorant civilians would. Despite the fact that a civilian wouldn't have heard the two men approaching, to a shinobi, especially one trained by a Sannin to be the best of the best, they were bloody pathetic.

I couldn't let any sort of word get back to Orochimaru, so I killed them. Nothing flashy, just a Shunshin behind them and slitting their throats with one of my bone daggers.

Oh yes, you're probably wondering why I haven't gone mentally unstable from killing people while having a very civilian set of life morals in my memories. Simple. It's a side affect of the Yang chakra Kaguya use to manipulate their bones; for some reason a Kaguya just can't get battle stress while using their Kekkai Genkai. All the conflicting hormones get converted into chakra, much in the same way an Akimichi's Yang nature allows them to convert fat and calories into chakra. So while I'm fighting, I don't actually feel anything. It's like I'm just floating in a swimming pool, the water blocking the majority of emotion from reaching me. However, according to Kabuto's research, to the rest of my clan who couldn't use their bones like I could, it's like being totally high. That's why they were addicted to brutal slaughter, they couldn't get enough of it.  
Me however, gets the safe benefit of never having a battle-related nervous breakdown. I an seriously in love with karma right now, forget what I said before.

* * *

Okay. This is the big one. The gates of Konoha are roughly just under half a mile down this road.

You know, Juugo didn't get much expansion on his character in canon. But travelling with the guy for the past few days has been really nice. I only had to calm him down twice, but both episodes passed really quickly. His ability to 'talk' to animals keeps giving me Disney vibes, but it's beginning to cement one of my theories about his little condition. We started to open up to each other, the both us reminiscing about our childhood confinement. Of course, I would have loved to roam the countryside like Juugo did, while he would have been quite pleased with being so securely restrained.

Back to the present though. From Pain's invasion, I know that there's a barrier around the Village which detects intruders. So I have to presume that once Juugo and I cross it - where it starts though, I don't know - we're going to be watched. And we do not want to make a bad impression. I remove the henge, reseal all our stuff into my scroll and tell Juugo that we're going to walk in with our hands visible and open.

I have to say this though, those main gates are pretty impressive. I wonder how many shinobi it took to get them into place? Or was it just two Akimichi at full size? Still, it's the two Chunin in the Gatehouse we have to worry about. Not that we couldn't take them if it came down to it, but we need need to present our case in a way that won't make every active ninja want to stab us full of sharp and pointy things. Well, I stab myself full of pointy things every time I use Shikotsumyaku but that's beside the point. Hah hah, puns. Oh Kami, this it; I'm going to change the timeline. Hahahahaha...What the HELL AM I DOING? I CAN'T DO THIS I'LL MESS THIS UP BEYOND COMPREHENSION AND ALL OF US ARE GOING TO DIE! WE-E'RE ALL DOOMED! DOOMED I TELL YOU! DOOMED!

...

Thank all of the Kami I didn't say that last bit out loud.

The two Chunin, Izumo and Kotetsu I think it is, stand outside their Gatehouse, ready for us. Kotetsu(?) lets his hand fall to his kunai pouch. Juugo and I continue our approach, but then I hear the laboured gasps from Juugo that signal that he's about to have one of his episodes. In front of Konoha. Shit.

I stop abruptly and execute a sharp turn, slamming my hands into Juugo's chest. The markings are curling across his face, but they promptly retreat when I brush chakra from my hands against his network. He looks at me sheepishly and I sigh.

"It's okay," I whisper. "I'll tell them that you need me to keep calm, but it's extremely likely they'll separate us for a while at first. I want you to stay calm as much as you can. Take Chinsei with you," I say, scooping up the wriggling puppy and depositing the little guy into his hands.

"Can we...help...you guys with something?" Yeah, Izumo and Kotetsu are just behind us. They both have kunai in their hands. Juugo instinctively hugs Chinsei closer, while I spread out my empty hands to show that I'm not a threat.

"Chunin-san," I start. "I am Kimimaro of the Kaguya Clan. Behind me is Juugo of the Scales. I cannot say much more; listening ears are everywhere. We wish for an audience with Sandaime Hokage-sama. We are running from enemies of Konoha and seek help from this Village." Then, because I can't resist it, "Please take care of us."

* * *

I always thought that the Hokage's office looked kind of empty in the show and to someone like me, who's spent most of their (current)life underground, all those floor-to-ceiling windows send alarms running through my head.  
Anyways, the show never quite captured the sheer _presence_ the Sandaime had. Well, how could it? It's just frames. Only in person can you really register the...the... _aura,_ yes let's go with that word, the man has. It just fills up the room and right now, all of it's focused on little ol' us.

It's like a chimpanzee. Yes, they're like cuddly, wizened children when you look at them. But a full-grown chimp, despite it's small size, can bend solid steel bars, rip out your throat with ease and troops in the wild will systematically hunt down and tear apart small monkeys for food.  
Similarly, the Sandaime resembles a harmless old grandpa smoking his pipe. But it would be no bet at all that he could tear _us_ apart in less than two seconds if the whim took him.

I fall into the deepest formal bow I can pull off without it looking awkward. "My deepest thanks, Honourable Sandaime-sama, for permitting us to speak with you." Yes, I am going to play the respectful card; I do _not_ want to be on his bad side, thank-you-very-much.

"You said you were fleeing from enemies of this Village, did you not?" He says above my head. Oh Kami, he hasn't said I can straighten up yet. With my neck exposed like this, both sides of my memories, but mostly the shinobi one, are screaming at me to stop baring one of my vital points to a man I barely know. Yet, if I stand up from my bow, it could be considered an insult.  
"What reason can you offer for me to take in two shinobi from another Village, especially a reason so delicate that you seek to tell it to my ears alone? Rise, and speak."

I straighten up. I can sense Juugo huddling closer to me. I take a deep breath.

"Sandaime-sama, while Juugo here is an unaffiliated shinobi, I have renounced the tutelage of...Orochimaru."

The violent spike in the Sandaime's chakra sends the two of us diving to the floor on instinct. Chinsei yelps and tries to burrow further under Juugo, while us two are left breathless and choking. Suddenly, the chakra pressure stops and the old man is standing over us.

"Why do you run from him?"

"Soul-transferring ninjutsu, his immortality," I gasp out. "Needs a strong host. I was chosen. Wanted Juugo for experiments. Sent me to collect, but we ran. Can offer info on current experiments, base locations, personnel. Leave Juugo alone, he has no part in this; he's just sick. He needs my presence to stop his regression."

Next thing I know, my wrists are grabbed and chakra-suppression sealing tags slapped on. A sharp pinch on the pressure point in my neck and I'm go...'

* * *

 **Well, do I have your interest? I thought this would be an interesting thing to write, especially the effects of Orochimaru not getting the curse seal. Also, this is a number of firsts for me: first SI fic, first first-person fic.**

 **And as much as I do enjoy SIs, I am getting tired of all the cracking-under-stress insanity. Not that this Kimimaro's personality isn't going to be weird, but only within the realms of quirky/thinking-outside-the-box.**


	2. Beginning: Annoyance

**Here we have a little break, where we see how everyone else is reacting. And Kimimaro annoys the hell out of T &I. And I will admit, writing myself as myself is kind of addictive when it's not all angsty.**

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, was feeling slightly confused. Two shinobi had turned up at the gates, asking rather politely for asylum and an audience with him. He wasn't all that prepared for the young ages of the two. The first was only about eight, skin showing the paleness of a life underground, bone-white hair and what appeared to be red clan markings on the brow and eyelids. The second was a stringy, broad-shouldered boy that, judging from the lines of the face, would be somewhere around thirteen years old. That one held a white puppy in his arms like it was a lifeline.

He would admit that he let his temper slip slightly when Kimimaro said that he had been Orochimaru's student. When he said that he had fled being used for one of Orochimaru's depraved jutsus, while saving an innocent, he reined in his anger.

After knocking the two out, he called for Ibiki. This matter would have to be handled delicately.

* * *

I could really go for pasta right now. Why did it have to be a Feudal Japan-based universe? WHY?!  
I suppose I could give making it a go; the shells are just water, flour and eggs, right? Onions and meat will be available and tomatoes shouldn't be a...tomatoes weren't native to Japan, were they? I'm pretty sure they came from America. Yet Sasuke's favourite food is tomatoes. Huh. Oh well; never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I think the soup they gave me was tomato and vegetable based as well. Oh yeah, I'm being hosted by T&I. No, they're under orders not use physical implements. I'm in the 'nice' cells as well; the ones when they're bribing their guests or they're restraining high profile political prisoners. Since Juugo and I qualify as refugees, that's where we are. I wonder how they would react if I offered to make them pasta? They'd think it was poisoned, obviously, but their expressions would be a sight to see.

Seriously, I miss sooo many things. Pasta, toffee apples, computers, computer games, a load of books, a load of movies, cars, mum and dad, my family, garlic bread, roast dinners, breakfast pastries, yoghurt-coated cranberries...okay, now I'm hungry and that soup feels like ages ago. Like, yeeeears.

And I'm booorrrrred. With these chakra seals on, I can't grow my bones. Well, actually, that's not strictly true. Yes, both the Akimichi and the Kaguya use Yang chakra. However, the Akimichi only have an _affinity_ for Yang chakra; therefore they have to use handseals for their Expansion techniques and the only refinement is expanding individual body parts at a time.  
Myself, on the other hand, have a _Kekkai Genkai_ for Yang chakra. I do not need handseals; I only need to direct my chakra. The downside is that I can manipulate _only_ my bones. And these seals on my wrists only keep my chakra from reaching my skin and the outside. The bones inside my body, although, are fair game.

But, I only like my bones _where I can see them._ Yes, that sounds incredibly stupid, but I refuse to mess with any organ-connected bones except in an emergency. Ribs and spine are a big no-no. What if I punctured one of my internal organs, because I can't see where the bone inside of me is growing?! Also, Yang chakra is a big part of medical chakra. Without Yang chakra in my skin to numb the area and mend the exit, bones coming out through my skin would hurt like all hell and leave a gaping bloody hole.

Well, nothing else to do but annoy the living daylights out the guards who are watching my every move. In my past life, I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. This body, however, has quite a nice voice.

"Hello mother, hello father.  
Here I am at, Camp Grenada...'"

"'...They're coming to take me away, haha,  
They're coming to take me away, hoho,  
Hehe, haha...'"

 _'I regret nothing...'_

* * *

"...And it's so easy when you're eeevil,  
this is the life you see,  
the Devil tips his hat to me.

I do it all because I'm eeevil,  
And I do it all for free:  
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!..."

Tobitake Tonbo had to consciously stop himself from tapping his foot along. He stared at the other prisoner, name of Juugo.  
"Is this...normal for him?"

Juugo looked up at him. "He sings when he's bored, but can't draw. He drew quite the crowd when we passed through some towns and it got us enough money to buy fresh food. He sang while we traveled as normal civilians. Once he gets bored of singing, I don't know what will happen."

"Would he listen if we asked him to tone it down?"

"Just give him a piece of paper and a pencil. If you ask nicely, he does requests."

* * *

"...Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own...'" Ibiki sighed as a Yamanaka walked past, humming. Great, now his people had picked up those songs.

"Give him some paper and some pencils," he groaned. "Just make sure you keep an eye on what he's drawing!"

* * *

What am I drawing, you ask? Well, I'm not _drawing,_ per-say, but I am practicing my Fuuinjutsu matrices.

It kind of started when, because of the extra medical data obtained thanks to yours truly, Kabuto and the other scientist minions under Orochimaru's command found out about my illness way before canon. Good news, I get medication which actually helps. Bad news, I'm no longer a suitable vessel for His Snakiness. Which means that I get relegated to the breeding labs; they muck about with my blood and tissue samples until I'm sexually active then *ahem* put me out to stud.

Not only is that _all kinds_ of NOPE, I needed to be in Orochimaru's right hand posse if I'm going to get sent after Juugo. Answer: become a Fuuinjutsu specialist. Karin is too young to have discovered any seals-related talent she might have yet and all the Balaclava mooks are...well, mooks.

I throw myself into sealing, which Orochimaru has quite a few texts and notebooks on actually. I think he messed around with body-altering seals in canon, which would explain it. Also, it's a massive 'flip the birdy' to all those fanfiction OCs, that just so happen to have inherited sealing talent by being born into the Uzumaki clan. Fuuinjutsu isn't Uzumaki-only, you know?! Other people are talented at it as well; cases in point, Minato Namikaze and Jiraiya. The only reason it isn't as prevalent in the shinobi business as you might think is that math isn't really highlighted in the academies. Basic add, subtract, multiplication and division get taught because money management, but anything beyond that is pretty much ignored. Uzumaki with specialisation in Fuuinjutsu don't even have to get math, they just process it all subconsciously and draw a perfect seal matrix 'because it just looks right.' Non-Uzumaki have to slave over learning all those intricate little squiggles.

Myself, on the other hand, has a whole lifetime of GCSE geometry, trigonometry, algebra, equations and rearranging formulas to help me out. Yes, I can do math. Yes, it really, really helped. Actually, I wasn't too good at math before. I could do it and didn't have a problem with it, I was just one of those people who have to sit down with a pencil and scribble through the whole method to get an answer.

But because of me using that past-life math, Orochimaru thought I was a Fuuinjutsu prodigy of the level of Minato; the guy who beat him to becoming Hokage. So I got back into his personal posse by dint of being his own Minato rip-off. And I did get sent after Juugo, so yay!

* * *

"Please give a basic rundown of your abilities," said the guy with a clipboard. My interview; yay. I'm handcuffed to a chair, but it could be worse. Pointy things or snakes sort of worse.

"Foremost, the Shikotsumyaku Kekkai Genkai of the near-extinct Kaguya clan. I have a prototype range of taijutsu designed around my Kekkai Genkai.

Reasonable in kenjutsu, somewhat resistant to genjutsu, basic range of D and C ranked ninjutsu in Doton and Suiton. Increased healing rate and physical stamina as a result of my Kekkai Genkai. Basic medical jutsu. Some skill in Fuuinjutsu, as you can see." I nod to the sheets of paper one of the guards is holding.

"Explain your relationship with the missing-nin Orochimaru." I grimace.

"Do you have to phrase it like that?After my clan committed what amounts to mass suicide, I became quite collectable, you understand? Because of my Kekkai Genkai, my body structure is superior to most ninja, therefore I was of high value as Orochimaru's next body. Once it was discovered, however, that I had a genetic illness, I became depreciated and was scheduled to be sent to one of the breeding labs. But because of my talent for Fuuinjutsu being discovered, I was kept at his side."

"Your relationship with Orochimaru," the guy re-iterates.

"I was one of his _collectables_ who still retained some worth in an unconventional area even after a _flaw_ in my genetics was found. I was his pet Fuuinjutsu specialist; his rip-off Minato Namikaze. I'm the three-legged guard dog whose teeth were still sharp enough for him to keep me around.

I respect Orochimaru only for his skill, intelligence and Kami-damned stubbornness not to die. Other than that, he just creeps me out."

"You mentioned breeding labs. Surely it would be beneficial for you if you could restore your clan? Why refuse?" I stare at him.

"One, you are being obtuse, because it's pretty obvious that I'm not sexually mature yet. Two, I wasn't going to give the Snake-bastard an innocent infant to mess around with. Three, the guy's a bloody pimp; he likes to try and pair off different Kekkai Genkai users to see what the end result is. Four, a lot of the other subjects over there don't do it by choice. Five, if if one of the subjects tries to refuse engaging in intimacy, they're put under genjutsu that makes them do it.  
I couldn't change it, but I could make sure I didn't participate in it; save them a small amount of suffering."

* * *

Sarutobi Hiruzen quickly flicked through the sheaves of paper that Ibiki had set in front of him, doing his best to hide his surprise.  
"He did these himself, you said? These are most impressive. On a par with Jiraiya and maybe Minato, I can say that much. I'm not surprised my former student kept the boy around."

The old man leaned back in his chair and lit his pipe with a snap of his fingers. "Ibiki, what can you tell me about this Kimimaro's personality?"

"Sir. He appears to have a large amount of spite towards those who judge people on genetics alone and seems to mildly resent being treated as a replacement for others and not his own person. Intelligent enough to know when to shut up, but seems to take delight in passive-aggressive tactics."

"Such as?"

"Well sir; he, er, started singing. And now half the people who've come into contact with him have got songs stuck in their heads. Not genjutsu; they're just really catchy." Ibiki decided to move on swiftly when the laugh-lines around his Hokage's eyes deepened.

"Apart from that, he seems rather mature for his age. That could be put up to being exposed to Orochimaru for a number of years and the mistreatment from his clan and subsequent orphaning, but some of the Yamanaka aren't so sure. He reacts to the boy he brought with him, Juugo, like some sort of psuedo-father-figure; completely in control like he's the adult of the two."

The Hokage folded his hands as he leaned forward on the desk.

"What are his intentions in this Village?"

"Sir, to quote; 'Join this Village's shinobi force, get a house, get Juugo's problem either cured or manageable, get Juugo a job, make some progress on my own illness, learn more about seals, make some friends, get both Juugo and I to age thirty and stay the hell away from Orochimaru unless it's to piss on his grave. Not necessarily in that order.' Unquote."

Sarutobi exhaled a small puff of smoke. "That's...strangely realistic and proactive. If I recall, there are several apartments available in the block downtown. Set them both up there and I'll set two ANBU to watch them."

Ibiki nodded in acquiescence, deposited the two files on the desk and left.

The Hokage sat silent for a moment, then spoke aloud to his - seemingly - empty office; "Get Hound and Bear. They have a mission."


	3. Beginning: Verdict

**Quick note. In the manga Kimimaro pulling out his bones _did_ make bloody gaping holes, but it was censored in the anime to a 'smooth-ripple' effect. In this story, we have the anime-censored version. Because the healing-yang-chakra-in-the-skin makes a lot of sense.**

I. AM. OFFICIALLY. PANICKING.

Juugo and I are being released; paperwork and everything! They haven't even had a Yamanaka mind-walk me!

Either Konoha _is_ really soft, or there's a massive catch. Can't be the former because, you know, _shinobi?!_ So it must be the other one and I am dreading what that catch is going to be.

As the guards walk us to the Hokage's office, I whisper to Juugo. "You okay? Did you stay calm?" He nods an affirmative, so I continue. "What d'you think the catch is for letting us go so soon?"

"You'll find out soon enough," says one of the guards, ominous tone and all. Oh great. I turn to the guard next to me. "I bet you ten ryo all the important shinobi in this Village will be there because they want me to demonstrate my Kekkai Genkai and inform us about where they're going to put us for the near future."

The guy flinches ever so slightly. Knew it. Bollocks. Karma, don't let me down now...

* * *

Let's see...Hokage? Check. Tsume Inuzuka plus Kuromaru? Check, check. Shibi Aburame? Check. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio senior? Check, check and check. Hiashi Huuga? Check. Uchiha Fugaku? Check. The two advisors? Checkity check. And last but certainly the least missed; Danzo? One check I didn't want to do. Because, you know, he'll probably push for some sort of Clan Restoration Act so he can have a Kaguya in ROOT...oh...oh HELL NO!

Plan 1: Depreciate while stressing importance is a go.

I look around the room, before leaning over to the guard; "You don't happen to have any water on you I could have, do you?" He looks at me like I offered to bitch-slap a Bijuu. "No."  
I sigh; water would have been nice, before I put my finger behind my ear and pulse chakra through the storage seal hidden in my hair. I bring out my medicine pill, pop it in my mouth and swallow it. Actually, I still had chakra seals on, but I found a way to get around that. Did you know that you can channel chakra through your hair despite it being dead? I remembered that from the Sasuke Retrieval Arc when Shizune healed Neji by using his hair as a conductor. Since the seals only stop chakra getting to my skin and beyond they don't take into account that the roots of your hair start under your skin. So I use my finger to press some strands of hair to the seal, funnel some chakra and _bam!_

The guards shifted closer and into ready stances and all the gathered VIPs are looking at me funny.  
"Apologies," I say blithely. "Genetic disease, need to take one pill every two days. Do carry on."

A guard snatches my wrist and inspects the seals on my wrist to find them still functioning perfectly.

"How did you bypass those seals?" Inoichi barks, Shikaku Nara next to him looking a lot more interested than he did a second ago. I shrug. "I figured out their loophole while still in my cell and applied a bit of bastardised iryoninjutsu. Still can't use any other sort of jutsu though."

"We should remove those seals now anyway," Shibi interjects. "Why? For you to demonstrate your Kekkai Genkai is the purpose of this assembly."

"You owe me ten ryo," I mutter to the guard as he wipes away the seals(they were some sort of alcohol-solvent ink, painted on after I was knocked out by the Sandaime, instead of the temporary paper tag ones he used on me initially). My chakra returns to my skin in a rush, like I just walked from boiling sunny day into a cool, air-conditioned shop. Refreshing, but because I've had them on so long my senses go a bit fuzzy for a second.

"...study?" Huh? Oh. Shikaku.

"Apologies, Nara-sama, just getting my bearings. Would you mind repeating your question?"

"If it wouldn't be too inconvenient, could you submit some of your medicine for study?" Why would the Nara...oh yeah; deer antlers, herbs and medicine suppliers.

"Of course, Nara-sama. If the recipe could be determined, I would be most grateful for the opportunity to stock up. I only absconded with a set amount. The majority of my supply should be in the scroll I had with me when I entered the Village two days ago."

"There are many shinobi who have had long records of active service despite illness," Old Lady Advisor pipes up. "What makes you so different that the traitor would choose to dispose of a valuable asset?" Oh yeah, she must be referring to that coughing guy with the sword; whatever his name is.

"Orochimaru wants the perfect body. I have a flaw, but was worth keeping around. I am no longer an accept able vessel for his soul. I think he planned to try and breed the sickness out of me though; he has labs for that." Cue the flinch from the Uchiha and Hyuuga Clan Heads.

Danzo is expressionless, but hopefully he got the message that neither I nor any kids I might have in the future would be ideal ROOT material.

"A vessel for Orochimaru's soul?" That's Chouza Akimichi now, but the Hokage beats me to the answer. "Yes, there is a kinjutsu that transfers the soul of the caster to the body of another, but it was never completed. It seems Orochimaru has made progress on that though."

"For crying out loud!" Tsume Inuzuka sighs suddenly. "Just demonstrate your powers already! We haven't got all day!" All eyes on me now.

So, I shrug off the shoulders of my yukata and focus my chakra. There's that really unsettling stretchy-wet-flesh sound and my right shoulder joint starts to appear and breaks through my skin. I reach my hand over and grab the makeshift hilt, before pulling out the sprouting blade. My shoulder heals over immediately. Spikes appear along my forearms, before retracting. I flip the bone blade hilt first to the guard, who takes it. "Careful, it's sharp. Roughly as strong as steel but I think I can get stronger and denser with time and practice. I have two other techniques, but the chakra cost is too high at the moment. And one I hate using." _Actually, I could use Digital Shrapnel and Clematis Vine easy, but they don't know that and they won't for quite a while if I get my way._

"Who's the other boy?"

At Fugaku's question, everyone's eyes slide over to Juugo, who shuffles closer to me.

"Juugo's with me," I say out loud. "He's Yang nature like me, and he needs me to balance his chakra. But he's not a shinobi and he just wants to be normal and not hurt anybody without meaning to. He stays with me."

"I agree." Well, that came out of left field. I turn to face Hiashi Hyuuga, who has his Byakugan activated. "Kaguya's presence is having a stabilising effect on the boy's fluctuating chakra network. I recommend they should not be separated."

"Is that a yes, Hyuuga-san?" Asks Chouza. Yes? To what? They're deciding my fate, aren't they? Bollocks.

Well, the glance-conversations and some handsigning circuit round the room. After a few minutes, it seems they've all decided on something.

"Kimimaro Kaguya," the Sandaime starts off. Oh karma, who art in the universe, lucky be thy name...'  
"Along with your companion Juugo, you are to be considered on probation for a year, or until we decide we can trust you. You will be under ANBU guard at all times for that year, reporting weekly to my office. You cannot take employment without the express permission of myself or a Clan Head. Housing will be provided, as well as a monthly stipend. Do you have any questions?"

 _Thank you karma, thank you rare Kekkai Genkai, thank you kind-hearted-for-a-shinobi Sandaime Hokage, thank you past-life foreknowledge...'_

* * *

"BUDDHA'S SAGGY LEFT NUTSACK! Give a guy some warning when you do the ghosting act, will you?!"

And that was my reaction to mine and Juugo's two ANBU watchers popping up in our apartment building. Seriously, they're like the Hounds of Tindalos; they are always behind you and come out of the dark corners. Oh, and here's the thing, they are none other than Kakashi and Tenzo. Yeah.

Mind.

Blown.

The spiky silver hair, the green and red stripy cat-bear-face and the fact that they're _so short_ gave it away. Of course, it makes sense once you think about it. Tenzo is one of Orochimaru's former experiments, so...I dunno...empathy, perhaps? Possibly the fact he could restrain us with the least damage with his Mokuton? Kakashi's strong; one reason. And I suspect putting him on what is basically a part-time babysitting mission for a year is the Sandaime's way of making him relax. Kakashi was a pretty driven(understatement), take-all-the-kamikaze-missions-yet-bring-everyone-back-alive-because-abandonment-and-guilt-issues ANBU at this stage of his life if I remember correctly.

I think he's getting some sort of perverse enjoyment out of making me jump. My fellow-snarky-bastard-senses tingle when he looks at me after I yell at him. Juugo can sense him a split second before he even appears; baffles the ever-loving hell out of them both I expect. But that puts another tick into my theory.

* * *

The apartment is...small. Well, it was on the small side of average to begin with but with Juugo as a flatmate in what is supposed to be an apartment for one person, it's taking some careful co-ordination not to bother each other in the morning. I am not a morning person. I'm not the stereotypical 'will murder for coffee' person, but I refuse to talk to anyone before I've had a big cup of tea and something to eat. If you're lucky, I may grunt non-descriptively.

Juugo respects personal space like the lovely guy he is. Kakashi decides to emulate a robot, I think. For an ANBU, Tenzo is disgustingly chipper. I think Kakashi or his ANBU squad beat it out of him before he appears in canon. In the meantime, _I am a calm man._

It's not all perfect though; oh the things that have happened since we moved in. A whole year of DIY mishaps, odd meetings and general mucking about. Here are some of the highlights...'

* * *

 **This is to set up the Probation Arc; twelve chapters(one for each month) of shenanigans and snarkiness.**

 **Personally, I'm enjoying the lack of angst. One other non-angst Naruto SI I can recommend is** It's A Mad, Mad World **by** Memory25 **. It's a little cracky, but fun. The other is** Who up there hates me? **by** BetweenTheSeaAndStars **. Again, very funny, but a little more 'butterfly effect' and serious. One with a civilian SI is** Inoue Shiori **by** Hermionechan90 **. Treading a bit of a knife edge between realistic and MarySue, but enough fluff to melt your eyeballs, but a touch of 'real-life used sledgehammer' and creativity to rein it in.**

 **Review with your favourite line or moment from this fic so far!**


	4. Probation: Moving in & Affinity

**AN: There will be no pairings in this story other than those in established canon. I will not be doing slash of either gender. Kimimaro and Juugo will simply have a friend/brother relationship; same for Kakashi and Tenzo. Nevertheless, feel free to quietly ship whoever inside your heads. The first half of this chapter is about as angsty as it's going to get; just setting a baseline.**

 _ **Probation Month No.1**_

 **Moving in**

"Home, sweet home," I announce dryly to no-one in particular as I fling open the apartment door. I stare blankly around in response to the small puff of dust my footfall kicked up when I stepped on the welcome mat; "well, somebody hasn't cleaned this place in ages. I wonder how much dust I'm inhaling right now? To hell with it; come on in Juugo! We need to sort out dinner and a place to sleep."

I roll out my storage scroll on the floor and pump chakra into it to make it unseal everything. I fish through the resulting pile and pick out two blankets, my one pillow, three changes of clothes and some ration bars. Pressing my hand under my shirt to a seal drawn in the depression of my collarbone, I unseal a small purse. It's got expansion seals on the inside and I've spent very little, so it should hold about 5280 ryo. Enough to buy food but we can wait until that monthly stipend to get new clothes. Chinsei rushes into the room, sniffing at everything. He's probably glad to be out of the pet carrier he was in all that time, but still...

"Juugo, you will be responsible for house-training Chinsei. I'm going out to get some food, I'll be back soon. Check if all the taps work and turn the heating on while I'm out would you?"

"Uh, you won't go far, will you?" That made me stop and turn around; Juugo sounded nervous. I step up and put my hand on his shoulder.

"I'll be quick, but I don't know how far I'll have to go to find a shop. Does it ache again?" Yeah, if Juugo consciously suppresses his problem for too long, it actually starts hurting him, before he loses it. He told me that while we were on the road; you didn't think he didn't try to control himself all those years alone, did you? He nods. If he can last through the night, I'll find a training ground so he can go nuts. Meanwhile..."Here, have a bit of my chakra; it should keep you until I get back." I send Yang chakra into his coils and he sags minutely in relief. "There'll be an ANBU watching you at all times I expect, so if you lose control while I'm not here, well...um, ANBU? You there?" I say out loud. "If Juugo loses control, that's when his eyes go black and yellow and he gets weird swirly markings on his face, can you get him away really fast to somewhere empty like a training ground, then come and get me?"

Silence.

"I'm just gonna assume you got all that? Moving swiftly onward; I'll be back in a bit."

It's pretty late out by the way; twilight sort-of. Thankfully, this being a shinobi Village with people coming and going around the clock, 24-hour shops exist. I mean, in canon you see Naruto go into one to by an ice lolly after Jiraiya died. There's a 24-hour right around the corner, so I go in and start browsing. I avoid buying fresh stuff like milk because I have no idea what state the fridge is in, but packaged stuff like instant ramen, tinned soup and veg, fresh fruit and veg and a few pre-packed bentos get bought as well as tea. I bought a notebook and some writing pens as well; as pretty as those ink calligraphy brushes are, I cannot write with them. Seals, no problem: but actual kanji are beyond me. Normal pens it is.

When I get back, I find Juugo fiddling with the radiator dial and I can hear the kettle in the kitchenette boiling away. Dumping the bags on the table, I take the tea and set it on the counter. The cupboard under the sink has three mugs(one with no handle) and a few plastic bowls of various sizes. By the time I've rinsed and dried the mugs, Juugo comes into the kitchen and the place feels a lot warmer with the heating starting to kick in.

The kettle boils and I pour tea. We drink it at the table in the dining area.

"Kimimaro? What're we going to do tomorrow?" Well, that brings back memories. Me as a little kid, asking mum the exact same question. I shake away the feeling of deja vu and I put my now-empty cup back down on the table.

"Have breakfast sounds good, maybe wake up a bit earlier. I was gonna ask the ANBU if they know any empty areas where you can work off some steam. I was planning to spar with you while you're in that state, actually; it would be a challenge and so far I don't know anybody here well enough to ask. So, once that's done, I figured we could walk around the Village to get our bearings; we don't want to get lost every time we go out."

"Are you sure? I mean, about fighting me while I'm...like that?"

"Sure! I can learn to combat different styles of taijutsu eventually, but since you don't have a style and you're so unpredictable it would be quite the learning experience dodging you. I also want to test something; I need to see how long you can fight in that state and what you feel like afterwards." He looks at me askance.

"Um, speaking of which," he starts off slowly. "Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but you said there was someone here who could fix me. I was wondering when...I mean...uh...'"

 _'Fix me.'_ Ugh, I know he didn't mean it like that,but that particular word just makes it sound like he wants to be neutered. Besides; "I didn't say you could be _fixed,_ I said you could be helped. I mean, it's possible that your condition is actually natural, so getting rid of it might just hurt you even more." The expression on his face goes from apprehensive to something taut and knarled and disappointed. Something curls in my gut at the sight.

"Whoa, whoa! Come on; I got you here, right? All we need to do is find Jiraiya, figure out exactly _how_ your power works and then sort out how to make it work the way you want it to. Simple!"

"It's NOT!" He roars suddenly, bringing his (non-transformed)fist down onto the edge of the table. Shinobi reflexes ingrained into my body since I-can't-remember-when mean I'm on the other side of the room in a ready position before I can even think about what-just-happened. There's that feeling in my gut again and I know it means I've upset him but I can't figure out how I did it.

"I don't WANT to make it work!" Juugo continues, his posture going from angry and bitter to little-boy-lost, slumping in his seat. "I want it gone...I just...never wanted it in the first place; I don't want to be a shinobi at all but you said 'Konoha will want you because you're strong' which means I have to be a shinobi if I'm going to get help but I don't wanna be a shinobi but I do want to stop losing control but I don't want to control it I just want it GONE and now you tell me I can't get RID OF IT because it's PART OF ME!"

The last few words or so are a garbled mess, but the meaning is pretty clear overall. Damn it all, why did Juugo have to be a supporting character in canon; his emotions weren't covered beyond 'I want to not kill people' but other than that he was pretty much a bookend when it came to personality! I don't know how to deal with this! "Bloody Hell, you don't think I don't feel the same about my Kekkei Genkai at times too?"

His head snaps up, eyes wide with surprise despite being reddened from tears of frustration. "What?"

I said that last bit out loud, didn't I? Thank you - _not_ \- brain to mouth filter. But seriously; does he think he's the _only_ person in the _history_ of this screwed-sideways-six-ways-to-Sunday _Universe_ to be born with a power _they don't want?!_  
"Why do you think I RAN THE HELL AWAY from Orochimaru? It wasn't exactly NICE there! Do you know how many times I was EXPERIMENTED ON for THE SOLE REASON he WANTED MY KEKKEI GENKAI? How many times I wished I WASN'T ME? But _you know something?_ " I hiss at him as I lean over the table, the buildup of chakra in my skin from my anger steaming into the air. "If it wasn't for _my Kekkei Genkai_ I spent all those years _not wanting,_ I'd be _a gibbering wreck_ from psychological trauma! It's the reason I'm still sane and the reason I lived _through fighting my sorry hide out of the middle of Kirigakure!  
_ So _EXCU~SE ME_ for not being able to _FIX_ you; I'm doing what I can to _HELP ALREADY!"_

After that little outburst, Juugo looks like I just clocked him round the head with sandbag and I have no idea what the ANBU are thinking. I just...I need space.

I jump out the open window and get onto the roof. The cold night air hits me and evaporates the last of the anger, clearing my head. In canon, Juugo did want to just control his wild side, not get rid of it, and I treated him based on that. I didn't think that when he was younger he might have thought differently. God, I need to stop thinking about him as a work of fiction that yeah, you cared about, but didn't really impact on your life. Not helped by the fact that I'm mentally older than him. I'm a psychologically protected young adult in a body untouched by hormones who knows the future while _he's_ a mentally and physically unstable teen in the midst of the nine levels of hell that is puberty. Oh god...

A shuffling sound a little in front of me in the shadows disturbs my thoughts. Not accidental, like somebody's trying to get my attention in a nondescript way. I feel invisible eyes lock onto mine and the indistinct shadowy lump straightens into a more upright position. In the faint light from the streetlight across the road, I catch a glimpse of a grey breastplate and the handle of a tanto sticking up from the shoulder.

"Hi..." I say lamely, not really in the mood for talking but grateful for the opportunity to take my mind off what just happened. "You're one of our ANBU, right? Why break cover now?"

Silence. Then; "Kiri?"

I snort. "Yeah. My clan decided the best way to make a name for themselves was to charge into the middle of Kirigakure armed with only knives and start hacking away at every living thing in sight. The shinobi in Kiri had other ideas. Now I'm the last Kaguya; known Kaguya, anyway."

I make to sit down, but then I realise that in my anger, massive spikes of bone had sprouted through the skin on my back without me noticing. That instinctive action was what saved my life against the Seven-Swordsmen trainees back in Kiri, but I'm going to need to start getting it under control at some point. I retract the spikes and sit. The ANBU is still there. I ignore him.

Nothing happens for about, hmm, five minutes? Then the cold gets to me and I decide to go back inside, so I stand up. You know, from this angle, the ANBU looks rather short. Okay, he's taller than me but definitely still a teenager. At first I thought it might be Kakashi, but the glimpse of his hair that I can see above the shaft of darkness that conceals his masked face is an average mid-brown. Well, might as well get his name...'

"Look," I say. "I know I'm probably never going to find out your real name and I'm not asking you to take the mask off, but do you have a codename I can call you? It would make things easier if we could distinguish you and you comrade from each other."

After a moments hesitation, he leans forward and in that second I don't know whether the Universe just shit all over me or dumped rosewater and champagne over my head. Because the mask has two stubby ears, eye-holes ringed with a thin circle and framed by red crescents, with small green stripes on the forehead and cheeks. A very familiar mask. Tenzo, better known as Captain Yamato, temporary leader of Naruto's squad in Shippuden, Orochimaru's former experiment, former ROOT member, laboratory-bastard descendant of the Shodai Hokage, only current wielder of the Mokuton and one of the coolest guys in the series. That all went through my head in a second, the second before he says "I am Bear", then vanishes.

I take that as my cue to go inside.

Aaaannd the moment I have both feet on the floor, Juugo grabs me in a crushing bear hug, mumbling into my shoulder about how sorry he is and how he wasn't thinking. But my eyes are caught by the two ANBU in the corner of the room, seemingly holding a conversation in just handsigns. Not just that, but Tenzo's...I mean Bear's(got to get used to calling him that, don't want to slip up) partner has some very iconic spiky silver hair. That comment about the Universe I said before? It's that again.

Juugo, noticing my relocated attention, relinquishes his grip and turns to see what I'm looking at. He catches sight of the ANBU and freezes. The ANBU finish their little chat and turn to us, before Bear speaks up. "I am Bear, he is Hound." They vanish abruptly in a shunshin of leaves.

...

FML

* * *

 **The Importance of Affinity**

"Any questions?"

That was the end of my first report session with the Hokage and Inoichi. The day after moving in to the apartment, but they have to get information on Orochimaru from me before it goes out of date. This one was the whole works; personnel, current experiments and base locations. At that last question though, I get the chance to ask something that's been in the back of my head for a while.

"Umm, why don't you just pull all of the information you need out of my head? You have the Yamanaka clan. Not that I don't appreciate my privacy not being invaded, but it would be faster and more efficient."

"Your Kekkei Genkai," Inoichi speaks up. "Your Yang chakra cancels out the Yin chakra that composes a Yamanaka mind-probe. It's...kind of embarrassing."

Gaaaahhh, I rub my eyes with my hands, groaning in despair. "Of course it does, I should've guessed. Of course Yamanaka mind techniques isn't one of the Cyclical Elemental chakra affinities but one of the two Balanced Divine affinities which nullify each other, it's so obvious. But I've heard theories about Yamanaka communicating to their comrades, including Akimichi, with their jutsu but Akimichi are Yang-natured so how does that work?"

Inoichi gives off the vague sense of being shell-shocked but the Hokage takes a long pull on his pipe and smiles. "Akimichi are Yang-natured, yes, but it does not saturate their bodies without handseals or in response to emotion as your chakra does. Inoichi's jutsu, Yin chakra that it is, is unable to pass through your skin and skull to reach your brain. And may I say you are the first shinobi I've met in a long time to know chakra theory in such depth. Cyclical Elemental Affinities and the Balanced Divine; it's been so long since I've heard those terms spoken with any understanding. What drove you to go into it?"

I shrug. "I'm never going to be a sensor or a genjutsu specialist and my ninjutsu has a baseline of average. But if I knew the ins and outs of chakra, the very foundation of shinobi life, then I'd have some sort of advantage against those other three types. It also helps with sealing. That, and there wasn't much else to do down in the labs aside from read. Orochimaru's got some very good book and scroll repositories tucked away in some of those bases I told you about."

"He always did love his books," the Hokage murmured to himself, tipping his hat over his eyes. Inoichi coughed politely.

"Forgive an old man for reminiscing," the Sandaime said, climbing to his feet. "I have a little time before I need to be at my desk; won't you walk with this old man for a while, Kimimaro-kun?" Not phrased like an order, but as a _firm suggestion._

"Well, I would, but I agreed to meet Juugo at training ground 2 for a spar..."

"Then I shall accompany you there," he interjects. "It has been a while since I've walked that way and I do really want to get out of my office."

And that was how I found myself walking down a side street side-by-side with the Sandaime Hokage. In the middle of the day. With people around. And as I was accompanying the _Hokage,_ naturally I came under scrutiny too. The eyes were everywhere and it was really uncomfortable since I was an unknown element, meaning that the stares ranged from curious to outright suspicious. I don't like being in the limelight; never have. I was always the person in the corner with a book who just really didn't care if other people thought I was weird.

So you can imagine how relieved I felt when we finally got to the outskirts of town. Oh, right; the Hokage wouldn't know the extent of Juugo's condition. I turn to him just before we enter the gate to the training ground. "Ah, Hokage-sama. I must inform that this is only technically a spar. This is a chance for Juugo to let off some steam; he has been repressing his condition for a while now it is straining him. I am perfectly capable of countering him in his altered state. This information is so you will not be surprised."

He nods in acknowledgement. "I understand, and I must admit I, among many, are curious about the nature of his affliction. You picked up that I intended to observe you the whole time?"

No, I didn't; I can't read people like that. But it was logical reasoning. "I did not, Hokage-sama. I simply knew that you would be watching, regardless of whatever I did; I am still a threat."

There is no response, so I open the gate and walk through. Juugo is waiting, but he is bent almost double from pain.

"It's okay Juugo!" I yell from a safe distance. I don't sense the Hokage anywhere, so he's safe and no doubt watching from somewhere. "Let it out!"

With a whimper of relief, Juugo bends backwards, almost in half and I can hear the cracking of vertebrae from here as his body morphs and a maniacal snarling laugh wrenches itself from his lips. The next second, a great primordial throwback is upon me, all gnarled and knotted and leathery and covered in lumps and spikes like a horrific amalgamation of wood and stone.

I doge and duck the entire time, but I draw bones from my shoulders when I need to, spikes from my elbows come in handy more than once and I aim blows and jabs to various places on his anatomy(those places which are still mostly humanoid, anyway). One time did I make the mistake of grappling. If not for some quick sprouting of spikes on the soles of my feet through my moccasins, for traction, I would have had a rather high-speed airborne acquainting with several boulders.

I held back under Orochimaru for obvious reasons and the trainees who were chibi Sound-ninja Four weren't much competition at all. And I'll say this for Orochimaru; god that man knows how to plan a training regime!

So even though I'm handicapping myself in this fight, I'm not holding back my skill level. Juugo's actually getting me to work up some sweat and this is the most fun I've had in years.

* * *

 **Fic recommendation is** The Somewhat Cracked Mind of Uchiha Itachi **by** Kereea. **A funny, cute and sort-of 'ideal world' fic with lots of humour. To quote Kankuro from the fic;** "You killed my entire world view in one month! Killed it!" **Enjoy.**

 **Just to give you a rundown of this SI-Kimimaro's stats(to remind you and me that I'm not a Mary Sue):**

 **(Bare in mind Kimi here is _nine and a half,_ so he/I will be growing.)**

 **Taijutsu: Fairly good, low Chunin-level, but still in development of an actual style.**

 **Genjutsu casting: Absolute Zero. Genjutsu requires a bit of Yin chakra to work; he has none and it is impossible for him to get any because of his Yang Kekkei Genkai.**

 **Genjutsu resistance: Cast-iron solid for low/middle genjutsu. Shaky on high-level ones.**

 **Ninjutsu: E, D and low C in Doton and Suiton. E and D in Katon. Overall, very low Chunin in skill, high Chunin in range of styles and knowledge of application.**

 **Kenjutsu: basic stances, blocks and parries. Mostly improvised for the rest. Any style still in development.**

 **Fuuinjutsu(seals): Not quite Master level. Difficulty drawing accurately when at speed.**

 **Iryo-ninjutsu(medical): Two basic healing jutsu(for flesh wounds only, really) and one basic chakra scalpel.**

 **Chakra reserves: Mid/high Chunin.**

 **Kekkei Genkai(Shikotsumyaku/Dead Bone Pulse): Spikes from all body parts, Digital Shrapnel, Clematis Vine(pulling spine out), shielding layer of bone under skin only localised, healing accelerated by 0.25%, shielding from mental trauma and immunity to Yamanaka mind-probes.**

 **Personality: Quirky, passive-agressive verbal retaliation, polite, sometimes too cautious in social situations.**

* * *

 **For my Christmas present, can I please have reviews that specifically say what your favourite moment/quote from this fic so far is?**


	5. Probation: Stolen Breath & Report

**As for the songs in chapter 2, this is the list if anybody wants to look up the full versions;**

 **'"Hello mother, hello father.  
** **Here I am at, Camp Grenada...'"' is** Camp Grenada **by** Alan Sherman **. I chose it because the song is about an awful summer holiday camp, and let's face it, neither TI or Orochimaru's bases are going to be particularly pleasant.**

 **'"They're coming to take me away, haha...'"' is** They're Coming to Take Me Away **by** Neurotic Fish **. Similar reasons as Camp Grenada.**

 **'"...And it's so easy when you're eeevil,...'"' is** When You're Evil **by** Voltaire **. I just liked the song. Once you've gone and got it stuck in your head, I recommend the colour animatic for it on Youtube by** halley42

 **'"Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own...'"' is** Windmills Of Your Mind **by** Noel Harrison **. I think I was inspired by the Yamanaka for that one. Morecambe and Wise(famous British comedy duo) did a sketch of it that I recommend.**

 **For this chapter, part one probably veers a minuscule amount towards horror; and yes, I know 'Anko's prank backfires' is a Naruto trope that's probably been done to death, but it gets the job done. Part two is how Kimi is faring mentally. Because his Kekkei Genkai only protects him from trauma while he's using it.**

 ** _Probation Month No.2_**

 **Stolen Breath**

Shinobi are notorious gossipers. After all; information withheld could spell someone's demise, so any and all information is shared out to pretty much everyone. Needless to say, the arrival of Kimimaro Kaguya and Juugo of the Scales made it round the gossip circle faster than you could say 'nosey bastards'.

Izumo and Kotetsu were the first, sharing the news of the day with the rest of the Chunin lounge. The mention of the name Kaguya had rung a few bells and at least one person had hit the library and come up with the info that the Kaguya were a presumed recently extinct clan from the Land of Water.

The TI staff had contributed, saying what they were allowed about the two refugees. The news of a new Kekkei Genkai in the Village spread fast, as well as the fact they were running from Orochimaru.

The Jonin lounge got much the same amount of information, but the ANBU barracks were a different story. Security recordings from the TI cells were viewed and passed on, as well as the transcript of the council meeting and the medical files. As well as that, the news was that the ANBU Watch for the two newcomers was the Copy-nin himself and his kohai, Tenzo of the Mokuton. Murmurs of 'half-duties', 'red flags' and 'psyche report' floated around the groups of white masks.

Of course info was all well and good, but nothing beat confirming it for yourself. So the apartment block housing the two boys became the most-watched location in Konoha for a whole month. That the Kaguya was on amiable terms with the Hokage spread fast, but it was the spar in training ground 2 that set everyone buzzing(literally, in the case of the Aburame).

It had long been rumored that the Kaguya clan had a body-altering Kekkei Genkai, but this was solid proof. Although, a few of the more squeamish Chunin had felt slightly disturbed by the ease at which the boy _removed his own bones._ Those who were close enough to hear the squelching of wet flesh were rather unsettled. The boy was so _young._ Although, given Orochimaru's pursuit of prodigies and bloodlines, was it really all that surprising?

It was the Juugo boy who gripped everyone's attention though. The shapeshifting was completely unprecedented, as well as the apparent mental side effects and lack of control.

Those who did watch the apartment afterwards were slightly disappointed. They seemed to be normal children, albeit mature, living a vaguely threadbare existence while adjusting to a new place. The constant use and doodling of seals made interest pique for a while; the shinobi who muttered he was grateful they had a seal practitioner on hand should the worst ever happen, was quietly shushed.

Juugo spent most of his day bird watching, seemingly having a strange affinity for animals and even holding conversations with them. Kaguya spent his time writing in notebooks or calculating a budget while teaching Juugo basic math, reading and kanji.

Interest died down, but at least somebody thought it prudent to warn one Anko Mitarashi about Konoha's new residents when she got back from her long-tern infiltration mission, a few days after the first month ended. Unfortunately, they forgot that Anko had a very different sense of tact to most shinobi. And they didn't notice how her eyes sparked mischievously.

* * *

There's a sound of hissing and suddenly oh godohgod he'sfoundme as snakessnakeshissingcoiling, squeezingarmstrappedtrapped can't move notagainnononono snakes look at me goldsliteyelikehis he'sherehe'scomeforme. Woman, stranger. Shouldknowcan'tthinkhe'shereformeohgod. Whereishecan'tseehimsnakeseverywherenonononononononono...'

* * *

At first, Anko smirked in amusement as the kid started then froze as her snakes coiled around him. Her smile shrank rapidly as the kid's face paled and his eyes took on a glazed deer-in-front-of-a-katon look, instead of him getting himself free and calling her out like she had intended.

She came out from her hiding place and stepped in front of him to get his attention. He didn't even notice she was there. In a horror-struck split second she realised that his breathing was rapid and his lips were flushed blue, before his eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped.

Immediately, two ANBU were at his side, slashing her snakes to make them dispel and lowering the kid to the floor before one snapped to the other "oxygen deprivation; oxygen bubble, now!"

The other promptly held his cupped hand over the gasping mouth and summoned a sphere of green medical chakra. The half-conscious boy sucked in the suddenly oxygen-rich air gratefully as the first ANBU gradually pulled him into a sitting position.

Anko's stomach felt like it was floating somewhere in the region of her ankles. She hadn't mentioned to scare the kid; okay, she had, but she hadn't wanted to scare him out of his wits! She knew the Kaguya had spent time with her bastard of a sensei, so she had realised that the snakes would be associated with him, that was the point of the surprise; she didn't knew that they'd trigger a flashback that severe!

"Kimimaro!" It was the other kid, Juugo, as he burst through the door, skidding to a halt as he spotted his friend insensate and being cradled by an ANBU. His eyes locked on her as the only stranger in the room. She barely dodged the fist that came at her. Good thing too; it left a small crater in the wall.  
"What did you do!? W **h** at **di** d **you** d **o to him!?"** His voice was gradually becoming more garbled and feral, black marks creeping across his face like the insidious tendrils of some deadly vine and staining his eye black and gold. More vines, real this time, burst from the floorboards and entangle him, pinning his arms to his sides and fastening his legs to the floor.

"Shit...Juugo...'"

The voice was quiet, and a little strained, but it broke through the tension like a hot kunai through butter. The Kaguya kid was sitting upright under his own power, but still flanked by the two ANBU. Juugo halted his struggles as he caught sight of him, but the markings still remained. The kid carefully got to his feet and cautiously walked over to his foliage-covered friend. He placed a hand on his shoulder and the markings retracted and Juugo relaxed.

The vines and branches retracted too, and it was then that Anko noticed them for what they really were. 'Wait, Mokuton! Holy balls, did the Shodai leave another descendant?' She saw the ANBU with the red-and-green striped mask lower his hands from a seal at the exact moment the floor returned to normal. So, he was...'

"Bloody knock next time."

Eh? Oh, it was Kaguya who had spoken. She couldn't really blame him for that remark, not after what just happened. Juugo was stilled as he felt Kimimaro bury his face in his shoulder blades so his face was hidden. "Just go, okay?" His voice wavered slightly, and Anko took that to mean she had far overstepped the line onto private, emotional matters. Time to make herself scarce; she jumped out of the window.

Juugo turned slowly, not wanting to dislodge his friend, but Kimimaro stepped away while heaving a great, shuddering breath. "I'm fine," he stated as he preoccupied himself with smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. "Just got caught up in a few old memories, that's all."

"Memories don't tend to make people collapse," Juugo said, leaving a way out of the conversation for Kimimaro who very obviously didn't want to discuss these memories.

"I panicked," Kimimaro began. "So I started breathing faster, because your body wants more oxygen when you panic in case it has to run or fight. But when I panicked, I automatically grew a sheet of bone under the skin of my bone and chest. It restricted my breathing and I passed out from lack of oxygen. That's it."

"Do you need to rest?" Juugo asked tentatively. Surely a shock like that would mean he wouldn't be in any state to concentrate for the rest of the afternoon.

"No I...," he paused and thought for a moment, a distant look flashing in his eyes. "I'll just sit on the bed for a bit. I'll do some drawing; relax from the paperwork a bit."

Juugo watched the smaller boy walk to the bedroom and shut the door behind him. Kimimaro had done so much for him, but when something happened, he was helpless. If his friend had choked to death on the floor, killing that woman wouldn't have brought him back. He should have assisted the ANBU, not done something so pointless. Kimimaro had asked him to watch his back and this was all he could do.

"What memories was he talking about?" Asked one of the ANBU. He considered them for a moment. He could always sense them somehow so they could never get the drop on him, which was why he could relax with two strangers following him around. Kimimaro couldn't sense them, yet he never seemed too bothered by either of them. If Kimimaro trusted them like that, he would tell them what they wanted to know.

"No specifics," he said. "Though it's very likely they're from his time with Orochimaru. And there's one thing that gets me about what just happened," he realised suddenly. " Kimimaro automatically grew bone under his skin the minute he panicked. Why would he do that, unless it was a defence to protect his organs?"

The two ANBU glanced at each other, hands flashing into signs, before the white-haired one shunshined away. He could guess that the ANBU had put together what he had. After all, Kimimaro had shot down all of his questions about the Y-shaped scar that ran vertically down his chest and torso as well.

* * *

 **Report**

 _Kimimaro Kaguya(referred to henceforth as K.K) possesses a Kekkei Genkai known as Shikotsumyaku that nullifies Yamanaka mind-probes. As such, this report is compiled entirely from observed behaviour._

 _The singing is most prominent. No one recognises any of the songs, leading to the belief that they were made up by K.K or an acquaintance, who K.K then learned them from. Every song resembles a children's rhyme or story in the structure and repetition and are simple to remember. However, all have the recurring themes of death, sacrifice, madness and hopelessness. We have concluded that these musical outbursts are K.K's way of working out his internal stress, as well as alleviating boredom - it has been discussed that during such periods of boredom, K.K's mind threatens to turn to distressing memories, hence the singing._

 _It is also very possible that the singing is passive-agressive retaliation. This seems to be very likely._

 _From observations by ANBU Hound and ANBU Bear, K.K seems used to taking charge and acts in a mature manner. A different manner than the socially stilted one usually displayed by shinobi prodigies and children forced to grow up too soon. While K.K sticks to a schedule and budget(see attached sample), he displays several outbursts and eccentric behaviours. Again, this seems to be way of blowing off stress. K.K seems to avoid swearwords, instead using various creative oaths. This aversion is bookmarked a a discussion point for next weekly probation appointment._

 _When speaking to authority figures(e. -sama, Clan Heads, etc.), K.K is formal. If not for the tells of apprehension, it could be misconstrued as obsequiousness. This politeness is born out of fear, not loyalty. Although it is possible that part of it is now from gratitude. This mask has slipped when in conversation about a topic K.K is apparently enthusiastic about; it was soon replaced. Conversation also revealed that K.K finds it normal to be under constant observation, as if expecting to be evaluated._

 _An altercation with Anko Mitarashi(see incident report attached), revealed that certain triggers can cause panic attacks, presumed to by linked to the various scars on K.K's body(see medical file). K.K refuses to discuss the events that resulted in such scars._

 _Signed,_

 _Inoichi Yamanaka_

 _Ibiki Morino_

 _Hohetou Hyuuga_


	6. Probation: Contacts & Springtime

**People want romance; I get it. There will be some, but _much_ later on for those who are happy with this story as it is(And also because I have little to no idea of how to write romance which means I need time to plan for it). The romance will be in the Shippuden time. And no harems.**

 **The first section of this chapter was horrible to write and it's probably awful. To make up for that and the wait, here's three sections, more Juugo and a new character(OC, please don't kill me...)!**

 ** _Probation Month No.3_**

 **Contacts**

It took Anko two weeks to finally get back and apologise. The incident had...confused me. I am not the type of person to get angry, in whatever manner. I wasn't afraid of her. But I was scared of what memories would be forced to surface in the future. Some of the operating table episodes are clear of emotion like all my other violent ones, but that was because those procedures were to determine my control and the effects on my bones, so I was using my Kekkei Genkai. Some, however, I had my chakra sealed deep so I couldn't use it, because they wanted to see how far I would go in terms of loyalty, how far they could push me - I managed to keep up my 'Orochimaru-zealot' persona throughout, thankfully. I buried those memories as deep as I could.

I know better than to repress them, so I don't. At least, I think I'm not repressing them. I bury them deep and when I get a chance, I take them out again and I look them over. I make sure I'm alone, so they don't see me cry. Because it's at those times I let myself cry for the peaceful life I once led and the family and friends I left behind. I started forgetting things long ago. It's part of the reason why I sing those songs. The songs remind of the good things and help bury the bad memories as well. All I have left now are those songs, recipes, bits of pop culture, some fiction books, the maths, little bits of landscapes and stupid trivia, just the names and faces of family and close friends and a few funny stories that I sometimes dredge up to help me laugh again on the nights I decide I want to remember.

I haven't found the time to do that for a while. The snakes dredged up a little bit of one of those bad memories, because I wasn't expecting it. Back in the bases, Orochimaru would send his summons after you if he wanted you for anything; so it wasn't anything really to panic over because that was normal. I wouldn't have panicked quite as visibly and certainly wouldn't have passed out if I had been in there when I was restrained by summon snakes. I would still have reflexively grown the bone under my skin; it became necessary when they started doing 'loyalty sessions'.

But this was Konoha; safe. So when I was suddenly attacked by snake summons, all I could think of was that I had been found. I was unable to compose myself because of that, hence the oxygen deprivation.

It's weird. I forget normal things about my old life, but anything about the Naruto series I remember quite clearly. The actual show, different fanfictions, trivia...  
I think I only remember those bits because they link to the memories from my current life. They're relevant, so they haven't been shunted aside to make space for new memories. That's my theory anyway.

If I said I didn't like morbid practical jokes like Anko's, I'd be a hypocrite. I am very amused by the looks of horrified incomprehension I get whenever someone sees my Kekkkei Genkai for the first time. Especially if they're squeamish. And there have been a few times when I may have made the act of breaching a bone(or several) from my skin slower than usual, or given a running commentary during it.  
So, I get where Anko was coming from and compared to what she could have done, it was pretty tame. So yes, I will forgive her. But I'm going to make her owe me a favour, then I'm going to cash it in.

* * *

The actual meeting...started out fairly awkward. I already hashed out the plan with Juugo, but he's still looming over me protectively. I know that Kakashi/Hound and Tenzo/Bear are lurking somewhere close, but that's because that's just their job.

Anko has a younger(and slightly pissed-looking) Kurenai Yuuhi with her, but I can't tell if she came along because Anko wanted moral support, she wants to make sure Anko apologises, someone else told her to go to make sure there isn't another incident, or she's just interested. Personally, I think it's a combination of the first three, with the last as a bonus.

Anko bows to me as soon as I open the door.

"You can stand up," I start with. "I'm getting backache just looking at you. Would you ladies like to come inside so we can settle this over tea like civilised people?"

The four of us end up sitting on the sofas(both bought at a bargain from a junk shop, but not a matched pair). It's when the tea starts getting passed around that the ice is inadvertently broken. Kurenai looks at her spoon and says "What the hell are these made from?"

I shrug. "We didn't have room in the budget for a cutlery set, so I made some from my bones. They're very durable. And it improved my control."

They both look at me with an assessing gleam in their eyes. "So it's true," Anko breathed. "The bones come out of your body." Yeeeaaahhh...we're getting off topic. I shrink back slightly so I'm stuffed between the sofa and Juugo, who's sitting next to me, who growls quietly at them. Either Anko realised where this conversation was likely to be headed, or Kurenai sent some sort of discreet signal to her to back off, I don't know, but she shuts her mouth and stares morosely into her teacup.

I paste a 'I'm so cute' look on my face; "I don't like we've been properly introduced yet, have we? I'm Kimimaro Kaguya, the big guy next to me is Juugo of the Scales, and the two ANBU watching us go by Hound and Bear."

Kurenai does the introducing and once she's done, I don an 'innocent little shit' expression. "So, now that's out of the way, isn't this the point you tell me what in Tobirama's fluffy jacket you were thinking two weeks ago?"

Both women take a second to process what I just said and seem torn between questioning amusement and embarrassed remembrance. What? If I use insults like that, they're forced to think about what I've just said, which distracts them. Inoichi may have found that hilarious.

So, I cut in with "Let me guess. Likes pranks, knew about my previous affiliation with Orochimaru, decided to 'welcome' me and it didn't go as planned, because you gravely miscalculated the nature of that affiliation?"

Kurenai whistled, even as Anko became more drawn. "You don't mess around, do you? Alright then, what's she got to do to make it up to you?"

Well, that was a prime example of cutting the bullshit. Oh well, time to bite the bullet. "You," I say, pointing, "are going to be our mutual friends in introducing us two to various shinobi, I don't really care how." Carefully calculated confused looks. I let myself relax, let all the tension in my body drain. "Look, I...we, need friends; people we can interact with with minimum awkwardness. We just need somebody to do the introducing."

Kurenai smirked at a relieved Anko. "See? All you have to do is drag them to a bar and start a drinking game. Like a date; except you don't drag him back to your place afterwards."

"I sincerely hope not" I deadpan. "For starters," I gesture to myself, " _nine-going-on-ten!_ Haven't even hit puberty yet! Secondly, not interested! No hormones! The only legal males here are the ANBU, and I don't even know if both or even one of them is straight or otherwise attracted to women!"

I'm...just going to leave out the part where the two ladies dragged us to a bar and we accidentally crashed a promotion party, which led to somebody spiking my beverage which was meant to be non-alcoholic and I got slightly tipsy. I'm what's known as a lip-loose drunk, so when Anko asked what life under Orochimaru was like for me, I ended up spilling some of the nastier, more disturbing stories along with the more lighthearted-slash-edited ones I was reserving specifically for such an occasion. Since shinobi are nosy by nature, I think I killed the mood for everybody. Oh, and I think I saw some clan shinobi in the crowd; Akimichi and Inuzuka definitely and I swear I saw at least one Uchiha fan. Then everything got really fuzzy, but I managed to cut out any mention of my past life as well as some of the more personal bits of this life so far from my word vomit.

Then I either passed out, or someone knocked me out, because next thing I know, my body clock wakes me up at the usual six o'clock with a raging headache and a concerned Juugo hovering about. It soon becomes obvious he's never dealt with hangovers before, either his own or somebody else's. His well-meant and really very sweet offers of various things are hard to turn down politely, because of the aforementioned headache and the fact that I haven't had my morning dose of tea yet.

I know that hangover headaches are actually from dehydration and if I had been expecting to drink, I would have drunk a lot of water alongside. Well, I make sure to drink a large glass of water anyway, along with a couple of store-bought domestic pain-relievers, and start frying a pack of bacon for breakfast sandwiches. I really, really don't care if you're not supposed to have sandwiches for breakfast.

Somehow, I know at least one of the ANBU is drawing amusement from my plight. I bet it's Ka...Hound.

* * *

 **Noticed**

After Kimimaro first found him, Juugo had a chance to notice things while they were on the road together. He didn't know what shinobi were supposed to be like, so he didn't have a baseline to compare behaviour to.

He did notice while they took a quick bath in a river, that while Kimimaro wasn't particularly body-shy ('shared showers up until puberty', he'd said once), he went stiff and silent whenever he saw Juugo looking at his scars.  
He had lots of scars. Juugo had some too, from whenever he'd scraped or banged himself on rocks and branches; old, ragged things that he had no reason to be embarrassed about really. Kimimaro's were different; straight, thin and smooth as if someone had slashed him with knives without actually aiming to kill or wound and healed him professionally afterwards. The most prominent was a Y-shaped affair across his chest and torso. The smaller scars he only noticed later, hidden as they were by the calluses on his hands; tiny creased things on his fingertips that looked like bite-marks. Not like they'd been chewed in anxiety or fear, like they'd been torn open purposely to draw blood.

Konoha was so busy, at first Juugo thought they'd never find their way around. A fear that was slightly unfounded, as he soon learned where the main places were and the fact that Kimimaro had showed him how to channel chakra to his legs meant that he could jump over the rooftops; if a little more cautiously than some of the shinobi he saw.

Kimimaro seemed to relax once they had been given an apartment to live in and it was only that his paranoid younger friend did so that enabled Juugo to really relax himself. Even so, the numerous people around him kept twinging in the edges of his mind like burning torches. He thought that was normal for shinobi and other people with active chakra, until Kimimaro explained that he was a 'natural sensor-type'; that he was one of a few people who felt the world like that and until they figured out how to train it, he would keep feeling the burning lights in the back of his head, unless of course those shinobi were suppressing their chakra.  
After that explanation, the lights of the two invisible ANBU became abruptly dimmer. At first he had panicked that something had happened to them, until a white-masked figure had revealed itself and explained in short, clipped sentences that they were keeping a lid on their chakra so as not to distract him too much. After that, Juugo felt less uneasy about them and not just because their chakra signatures were less bright.

A few weeks after they arrived, Juugo got his first good look at one of the Clan heads. It was the scarred one with the ponytail; 'Nara clan', Kimimaro said, 'highly intelligent but usually unmotivated'. He had come to drop off Kimimaro's medicine and his white-haired companion, with oddly polite and stiff manners, invited him in for tea. Shikaku Nara had engaged him in conversation as well as Kimimaro and Juugo thought the man kind and honourable, if a little apathetic.

Kimimaro was always so mature, so in control, it was shocking when suddenly he did things that made Juugo realise that he was only nine years old; younger than him!  
He'd wake up some mornings and, on the bed next to his, Kimimaro had wrapped himself up tight, head buried under the duvet cover. If somebody asked why he randomly broke out smiling, he'd just clam up and mutter 'secret'. One day he came home from the shopping and instead of apples, brought out a large bag of blueberries with childish glee.

And then Kimimaro got drunk and what he said abruptly reminded Juugo that, sometimes-childish nine-year-old he might be, he had survived horrific things while having to smile through it.

Chinsei, in his own canine way, agreed with Juugo that these childish outbursts were good. Not that his usual sarcastic temperament was fake, it just seemed less vibrant and real and recently Kimimaro had seemed more tired. So Juugo promised himself that he would try and make Kimimaro happy more often; the real sort of happy.

* * *

 **Springtime? More like April Showers**

You know, Gai's green suit isn't as much as an eyesore in real life as it looked animated. That's because it...all of the standard-issue bodysuits actually...aren't spandex. Because really, no way would spandex stand up to any of the shit shinobi get put through. Even in my previous life, that was one train of thought that led to thoughts of dripping polymer fibres oozing and fusing with the cracks in burnt flesh. Because although spandex was the go-to for sportswear of all types(and various underwear items, who knew?), it is flammable, melt-able(?) and goes saggy and thin the more stress it's put through. Also, spandex is bloody expensive here.

Well, despite it's faults on a battlefield, spandex is stretchy, making it a viable investment. So shinobi bodysuits are a blend of a small amount of spandex and jute fibre, making a canvas of sorts. Of course, this means that the suits are made of panels, not one seamless garment. Line with cotton, dye it a colour(dark blue is the standard, obviously), then treat with a chemical bath to make it fire-retardant. Voila.

To conclude, green pseudo-canvas doesn't look nearly as hideous as green spandex would.

And somehow, this line of thought turned into a brief discourse on textiles. God, what is my brain?

Well this line of thought started because I got introduced to Gai as part of Anko's apology. He was (very)enthusiastic about the chance to develop my fighting style. I guess that line of thought went off on a tangent because I am currently face down in the dirt and I think my brain is in the middle of rebooting.

Gai's style is very much about the amount of blunt force trauma he can inflict in a single blow from what ever limb and how to get in position to strike. What little style I have so far is a bastard mix of taijutsu and bone-kenjutsu that's a bit like a dodge-orientated Gentle Fist. However, Gai is just way above me in terms of skill as well as experience. Hence the face down in the dirt bit.

If that weren't bad enough, my ass-kicking has an audience. Anko and Kurenai I kind of expected, but it seems like half of the shinobi population is watching and exchanging bets. I think I'll just stay face-down for a few more seconds; spare myself the humiliation of knowing how many people won the bet about me eating dirt. Repeatedly. It's not like I ever expected to beat Gai, especially in a taijutsu only spar, but the extent and variety of the bets are starting to get on my nerves. Even Gai's looking a little disapproving. Which for a guy so cheerful, is a bit disconcerting.

Someone walks over to me and prods me in the shoulder. "Hey, kid, you want to carry on or do you want to quit for the day?"

I muffle some passive assenting noise that can basically be interpreted as 'let me think a minute'.

"Look, just quit okay? I've got money riding on you giving up."

Hmm. Pissed-off levels rising...

"Oh, come on. I mean, it's not like...'"

* * *

Juugo bit his lip as he stood on the side lines of the training field. "He really shouldn't say those things," he said out loud to the tight knot of spectators standing a few feet away. "Kimimaro's getting angry."

"Should we be worried?" Somebody asked, an Inuzuka. His two canine partners lay on the grass next to Chinsei, the three of them seemingly holding a conversation in their own language. Juugo considered the question for a moment.

"I don't know. An easy way to tell if he's angry, is that he starts sprouting bones without realising, but he's working on that. He's pretty collected, but I've never seen him really angry." Then, because making people weirded out seemed fun, especially if it was all the truth, he added; "Kimimaro says he's never completely lost it, so he's not entirely sure he didn't inherit any berserker tendencies from the rest of his clan."  
The Inuzuka paled. "Berserker? Ooooh, shiii...'"

He was cut off by a strangled yell and a loud crack as the heckler had his shin snapped and took a kick in a place that had every male wincing in sympathy. The unfortunate man's feature faded and the pile of earth in his place and shape crumbled into a heap on the ground. Doton bunshin.

Kimimaro stalked towards the line of spectators, the bony manifestation of his anger clearly visible. By the time he reached them, he had calmed down a little; he was smiling genially, but there was still a slight tenseness in his shoulders.  
"I'm having my lunch," he announced. "After that, I shall carefully consider whether or not you get afternoon entertainment as well."

Without further ado, he strode over to the tree Juugo was standing under. Juugo handed him the sealing scroll he had been asked to hold and from it, Kimimaro unsealed two bento boxes.  
"You have horns," the Inuzuka said bluntly, after a minute or so. Kimimaro put down his chopsticks and reached up to his head to feel.

"Huh. Thought my head felt a bit heavy. What sort of horns are they?" He asked.

"Uh, kinda like a weird cross between ram and deer antlers; curly with ridges, but you've got prongs coming off...Does this usually happen?"

"The horns, or beating up people who annoy me?"

"Your friend explained the horns, so...did you know that was a bunshin? Because if you treated it like you would a fellow shinobi, that doesn't say good things about your restraint."

Kimimaro chewed and swallowed a mouthful of pickle before answering. "Knew it was a bunshin; from where I was face down on the ground, feet didn't look quite right. If I had the money, I'd bet that somebody was trying to rile me up on purpose and I feel very smug that I didn't lose it." He nodded at the Inuzuka. "Sorry, Kimimaro Kaguya, by the way."

The man grinned. "Mao Inuzuka," he replied as he reached down to scratch the ears of his partners. "Sumimaru is brown-with-black-patches here and Ashimaru is long-legs-pale-brown-and-skinny."

"Juugo," Juugo piped in. "No family name, but people have called me Juugo of the Scales. And this is Chinsei." The now-adolescent white dog yipped when he heard his name.

"That's quite the nickname you got there," Mao grinned. "I've been called Snapper by my kaa-san in the past, but somehow I don't think it'll catch on. Hope it doesn't, anyway."

"Could be worse,"Kimimaro grinned. "You could have a stupid real name. My name literally means shaved eyebrows."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope. Never knew my mother and my father was a batshit crazy basket case; of course he sucked at naming."

Mao's brow creased a little. "Batshit, huh?" Then his face cleared. "Know any other stupid names?"

"Uhh...Madara Uchiha, co-founder of this Village; name means Speckles, though I doubt he wrote it that way."

Mao tried to gasp and snort in amusement at the same time; the end result being a hacking wheeze that made his nin-hounds nose up to him in a questioning manner. He brushed off their curiosity with answer in the canine tongue.  
"Sorry...sorry about that. But anyway, I know a Jounin called Kakashi and you know Anko Mitarashi. My Clan Head's name is Tsume Inuzuka, but that's not a stupid name, just scarily appropriate."

"She was on our evaluation committee, wasn't she?" Juugo pondered aloud.

"Yes, that's right," was the answer from Kimimaro. "All the Clan Heads were there and Yamanaka-san attends our weekly reports to Hokage-sama."

"Did he do your mind-walk too?" Mao asked, even as his partners nosed at the two strangers their shinobi was friends with. Kimimaro shook his head as he held out an open hand for the dogs to scent.  
"No, My Kekkei Genkai makes it impossible for Yamanaka Jutsu to work on me, and nobody wanted to risk walking through Juugo's head since he's got all that nature chakra saturating his body."

A low whistle from Mao. "Handy. Nature chakra?"

"Partial stone transformation, temporary insanity, the markings...it added up over time. Means he can talk to animals too!"

Mao fixed Juugo with an interested stare, who dropped his head in embarrassment. "Really?"

"...Yes," was the soft-spoken confirmation.

"So, what do ordinary animals talk about?" The interest was clear in Mao's face. Juugo's face cleared.  
"I mostly talk to birds and the odd squirrel, to be honest. Squirrels always ask me where's a good place to sleep for the winter, the smaller birds keep fussing about things, but raptors are the best at conversation because they go so many places...'"

With Juugo and Mao engaged in conversation, Kimimaro took the chance to look around. Most of the spectators had drifted away, some gone completely and some separating into their own groups to chat. Let's see...one or two more Inuzuka, a few possible-Yamanaka...at least ten Hyuuga, oh, there were a few Uchiha and that was _definitely_ a Nara cloud-watching over there.

Gai walked over; calmly, the smooth walk a stark contrast to his usual enthusiastic run/jog.  
"Please Accept my Apologies!" He boomed. "I did Not Expect my Comrades to Act in such an UnYouthful Manner!"

"It's okay," Kimimaro sighed. "Nobody got hurt and I think I made my point, but thanks for saying something anyway."

"You are Aware that You have horns?"

"Yep. So, do you have any pointers on my style?"

"Of Course! You must remember...'"

* * *

 **Next Time:**

 **Tea Like Civilized People**

I open the door and standing outside are probably the last two people I'd expect to show up unannounced; even Pain himself was more likely!

 **Relapse and Biscuits**

I looked down at the forest floor out of one eye, the other sealed shut by dried blood from the gash on my forehead. Then someone grabbed me by my jaw and wrenched my head back until it collided with the trunk of the tree and my vision blackened at the edges.

* * *

 **I think of the shinobi uniforms as being like the ones from the Naruto stage musical. Feel free to review about what you think will happen next chapter.**


	7. Probation: Tea & Relapse and Biscuits

**Well, this chapter got massive; a certain two ANBU wanted screentime. This is the first (sort-of)fight scene I've ever written. Also, Youko Artemis had the closest guess for Tea Like Civilized People.**

 ***Sheepishly holds up hand* Uh...honest question here. If your story is an SI, when the SI gets hurt/tortured, is that considered self-harm or sado-masochism or something? Because since I can't write self-angst, I end up writing self-pain. And looking at some of the SI stories I've seen, man are we a twisted bunch.**

 **Relapse and Biscuits contains mild gore and torture. And some not not-quite-angst *waves stick threateningly at the angst axolotl*. It kind of had to happen though, since I think an SI needs this particular bit of self-realization. Particularly mine, since I haven't really gone too in-depth up until now. Hopefully balanced out by ANBU and fatherly fluff.**

 **EDIT 18/07/18:** Mood of Relapse and Biscuits changed; Kimimaro isn't 'suicidal' now, just panicking because Kabuto's lost his mind.

 _ **Probation Month No.4**_

 **Tea Like Civilised People**

So, I should probably start with the good news that Juugo got a job. Turns out Mao mentioned the whole talking to animals thing to Tsume(his aunt once removed, apparently), she got curious and told him to drag us both round to the Inuzuka compound for an interview. One thing led to another, but at the end of it, she gave her approval as a Clan Head for Juugo's new job as an assistant at a veterinary clinic.

Well, he's working at the minute, but he comes home at lunch to get another dose of my chakra. I don't have anywhere to be, so I stay at home. Budgeting isn't too bad; I'm getting faster at doing the calculations. And I'm working on a few new seals, but since seals have the vast potential to go very wrong, I have to save those up until I can go to a training ground to activate them and see if they work or not. And if I slip in some purposefully-wrong ones, well,...explosions are very cathartic. Anko and I even made a picnic out of it. I say picnic. It was more like I packed an drink and a snack and got started, Anko showed up with her own dango and we kind of started scoring each failed seal.

I digress.

I mostly just sit there, drawing or writing down bits in my notebooks. It's nice, not having to do anything, even if sometimes I feel a bit like a lazy slob. I'm not exactly the life of any party, so I don't get visitors. So, you can imagine my surprise when the doorbell rings.

I open the door and standing outside are probably the last two people I'd expect to show up unannounced; even Pain himself was more likely!

The traditional dark-haired, dark-eyed woman was unusual enough, but add the semi-formal kimono with embroidered Uchiha fans on the sleeves and collar. Yeah, bit weirder. Now add a boy about a year or so older than me next to her, wearing similar style clothes, deep stress lines under his eyes and a loose ponytail.

The first of the two I can place a name to is Itachi Uchiha.

And the only older woman I can place that he would be accompanying would be his mother, Mikoto Uchiha.

Cue wild mental flailing; Bla? Guh. Argl! Ugg. Wha?!

After about three seconds, some part of my brain pulls itself together long enough to say "Good morning. Would you like to come in and sit down?"

Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell! Ppfffft. Okay, breathe. Just be polite and wait for them to make the first move. Then I might stand a chance of knowing what I'm doing.

* * *

Itachi couldn't figure out why his mother was doing this. There was the excuse that it could be beneficial for the Clan to have such an ally, but the Kaguya Clan had been reduced to a single immigrant; hardly influential. He could detect the two ANBU in the immediate area, and his mother wasn't Stupid enough to try anything with the Hokage's Elite watching.

Itachi knew that he wasn't normal; he was a prodigy and the Clan never let him forget that little detail. But eleven-year-olds did not have an ANBU career waiting within the next year, did not feel uncomfortable around their father and elders, did not feel ever so high-up and alone. So the prospect of meeting another like him sent a sharp tugging on his chest.

Kimimaro Kaguya was exactly as he had heard him described; white hair, green eyes and red markings. And Itachi saw the other things as well; the lean hard muscle and the tiny creases of old scars. Also, the slight widening of the pupils as they settled on him, then quickly slid over to his mother. He clamped down hard on the urge to activate his Sharingan; why did he look so panicked at the sight of him? And then the fear and apprehension was gone unnervingly fast, replaced with the blankly friendly expression of a Gracious Host.  
Kaa-san accepted the invitation of tea and introduced them with all the impeccable grace that was to be expected of the Uchiha Matriarch, of course. He himself followed through the door just behind, meaning that he had the discreet opportunity to glance at Kimimaro Kaguya. Something felt off, but a different kind of off than approaching-a-nervous-breakdown. This was...he didn't know. Like there was a rabid fear restrained from showing only by chains of more fear, tempered by more experience than should have been possible.

Itachi was unused to sitting on a sofa. He was too accustomed to perfect seiza in front of his father and the elders or a loose cross-leg around a kotatsu or low table at home. Sofas didn't even have the hard stability of a chair. This one was far too squashy as well, obviously having seen better days, but still clean.  
Low-priced but comfortable efficiency seemed to be the theme of the apartment. Everything was neatly placed in the kitchenette, but the table was cluttered with stacks of paper and notebooks; but most likely was actually very organised. Evidently Kaguya had been working on something; a heavily scribbled notebook with scraps of paper sticking out from between the pages was still open.

Tea arrived on a tray and was set down on the coffee table. Kaguya sat surprisingly at ease, curling up in the corner of the opposite sofa, legs tucked under him like a cat. His muscles were relaxed and his demeanour was cheerful. But the green eyes were too attentive; fixed on him in particular. For a few seconds they even made eye contact, which shocked Itachi. You only knowingly made eye-contact with an Uchiha if you trusted them implicitly or you were completely naïve. Something was strange about Kimimaro Kaguya. A part of him desperately longed to know what, while another was afraid of what the answer might be.

* * *

Itachi looks so weird. And a lot less pretty-boy than I remember. That's because intense training has leached off all the puppy fat he should have had, meaning that his face looks all out of proportion. To be honest, I pretty much look the same. Once puberty hits(uuuuuugggghhhhhh) we'll look less like skinny dwarfs and more like lean killing machines. But still; Itachi friggin Uchiha is sitting in front of me!

Uh oh, I think I'm staring too much. He might be blank-faced, but you learn to hold entire conversations with people who've been injured to the point of only being able to twitch their facial muscles and this is easy in comparison. And it helps knowing how to pretend. Sure, I've got a poker face, but I can pull off other emotions pretty convincingly. The secret is all in the eyes and posture. How do you think I fooled Orochimaru? Even if I did feel in need of a shower after a few times. Having to pull off the Adoring Disciple routine while he's rooting through the internal organs of someone you know is pretty disturbing. I deserve a bloody...little-golden-man-award. Osuka? Something like that.

Anyway, Mikoto Uchiha smiles at me and asks me; "How are you settling in so far?"  
Non-personal. Basic niceties. I can answer that. "Good. No hostility, though there has been some mild hazing. A routine has been established. Low-stress environment. Nice food. Freedom of movement. Sharing my space is unusual, but tolerable."

I'm still tense. I know barely anything about Mikoto, but I do know that she was a kunoichi who dabbled in poison and was friends(or at least good acquaintances) with Kushina Uzumaki. She is not someone I want to let my guard down around. Let's not forget that Itachi murdered his own parents without hesitation; imagine what he'd do to someone he barely knew. He might have a lot more time dedicated to him in the manga and anime, but he thought mind-raping Sasuke with Tsukuyomi to drive him crazy with revenge before leaving him with massive guilt over being an unwitting instrument of suicide was a fantastic idea. Also, I think he's clicked that I know more than I let on. Plus I don't know what sort of person he is right know. No way in hell am I relaxing. And when I have my guard up, me answering a question sounds like a mission report.

I'll give Mikoto credit, she doesn't bat an eye at my wooden reply. She just does something to her smile that makes me feel so warm and relax...oh no you don't! She is not playing up the maternal thing to get to me! I refuse!

* * *

Itachi could clearly see the moment Kimimaro Kaguya shed the mask and coiled in on himself, a snarled knot of fear and anger. But what had happened? Kaa-san had been perfectly civil, friendly even. Regardless, this situation was dissolving fast.

"Don't you run out of bone?" Maybe he should have worded it better, but the deteriorating circumstances halted as he had thought. Both heads snapped round to face him, their gaze forcing him to elaborate his question.

"If you're constantly removing and re-growing your bones, surely there must be a limit?"

A soft exhale from Kaguya as the green eyes brightened almost imperceptibly. "My metabolism automatically has my bone marrow replace it, using the calcium elsewhere in my body as a resource. In which case I could keel over from blood loss and muscle wastage if I don't watch it. But I suppose the Sharingan has it's own side effects."

Itachi could feel the unspoken question hanging in the air. ' _Prove to me you're just as messed up?'_

Challenge accepted.

"There is rumour that the Sharingan is linked to overly-obsessive or unstable behaviour," Itachi countered.  
None present expected the cracked laughter erupting from Kimimaro Kaguya. "Kekekekahahahaha...! Well OF COURSE it is! Don't you people THINK?!"

Stunned silence broken only by gasps of mirthless hilarity reigned for a few seconds, before Mikoto Uchiha cleared her throat meaningfully. "Would you like to maybe explain your conviction?" She prompted frostily.  
Itachi could admit his curiosity as well; it certainly would explain a few things if it were true.

"Okay. The Sharingan gives the user an eidetic memory. Everything seen through the Sharingan can be perfectly recalled at any time. Pretty basic knowledge, I know. But the Sharingan is useful; so useful that one would typically only use it in times of great danger, distress or combat. Therefore, all of the eidetic memories are going to be of fear, pain, gore and so on; no happy memories. Because those memories are eidetic, they're not going to be forgotten or even dulled by the passage of time. Every dead body, blood-splatter and moment of panic in high definition perfect recall. Every time the Sharingan is activated, those memories jump to the front of the mind. Every waking nightmare just gets more real. The more horror a Sharingan sees, the more mature it becomes and the worse it gets. Any mind would crumble under the strain sooner or later."

Itachi knew that had he been any less controlled, he might have lost his composure and gaped slightly. It made so much sense and all just logically continued from one aspect of the Sharingan. How had anyone missed this? Even kaa-san seemed a little shocked by this revelation. "That does make a whole lot of sense actually," she murmured. "Thank you, I...how did you find out about this?"

Kimimaro blinked, as if seeing her for the first time. "Orochimaru has been after the Sharingan for ages. I extrapolated my reasoning from the few facts I absorbed by association. Made me glad I'm on the other side of the family tree; I have enough nightmares thanks."

What.

Mikoto ran through the last sentence again. No, she hadn't imagined it. The words 'family tree' had definitely been in there. And the context implied...'

"We're related?!" Itachi burst out. It seemed her son had come to the same conclusion too. Even the two ANBU she could sense had become still and apprehensive; they were curious enough that they had let their concentration drop to the point that she _could_ sense them.

Kimimaro Kaguya was looking genuinely puzzled. "Wait...you really don't know? But...you're a major clan, surely you have records; hell, even legends...? No?" Then his face cleared. "Are there still some people who say that the Sharingan descended from the Byakugan?"

"Yes," she replied shortly. His face brightened and he uncoiled from his position, relaxing a little. "Basically, that's the really really really _really_ vague version. Hang on a minute, I have the scroll somewhere safe..." He hopped off the sofa to sort through the scrolls littering the table. They could hear him muttering; "No...no...no...what's that doing in that pile?...no...need to redo that matrix later...no...no...ah! Here!"

He vaulted back onto the sofa, a thick scroll tied with a piece of string in one hand. Undoing the knot, he bit his thumb to draw blood, swiping the red along the brown-stained edge of the parchment. Unrolling it revealed a haphazard collection of storage seals of varying sizes paired with notes in a curling script that neither Uchiha or ANBU recognised.

"The Kaguya Clan library," Kimimaro grinned. "Snatched it all when I left. I might have hated them, but I'm not an idiot; I wasn't going to pass up all this information."  
There was a poof of chakra smoke as he pressed his bloody thumb down on a larger seal and another scroll appeared. This one was fraying, on a carved wooden roller and wrapped several times in a length of grubby, once-white ribbon which had a red bead on each end.

"If you take out all the flowery language, it goes as follows," he smirked, passing the document absentmindedly from one hand to the other. "The mother of the Sage of Six Paths had three eyes, the third in the middle of her forehead. That one was pretty much a combo of the Sharingan and the Rinnegan, while the other two were the Byakugan. She gave birth to twins. One was the Sage and the other was his lesser-known brother."

Kimimaro tossed the roll of parchment gently to Itachi, who caught it as carefully as possible; this was the prided history of another clan after all.  
"The Sage had the Rinnegan and his brother had the Byakugan," he continued. "The Sage bore two children, Asura and Indra. Indra had the Sharingan and you can guess which clan he was the father of. Asura became the forefather of the Senju clan and very possibly the Uzumaki, however that's never outright stated. The two brothers also had a truly epic sibling rivalry, but that's another story.  
The Sage's brother founded the Hyuuga Clan and the Kaguya Clan, which had inherited their Grandmother's bone Kekkei Genkai.

That was before he helped his brother to seal his now-psychotic god-level mother into the moon and deciding to guard it for the rest of his life. Yes, you are allowed to open that scroll, it's not trapped or sealed in any way."

Itachi held his breath as he unknotted the ribbon and unrolled it. It resembled several of the pre-founding historical accounts from the Uchiha Clan Library in style and was roughly the same age. As Kimimaro had said, there was a lot of outdated terms and phrasing in the faded script, but the detailed illustrations drove home the story. Mikoto leaned over to look.

"This Kaguya...-hime had horns?"

"Yes, Uchiha-sama. It's likely that because they could be easily confused with ears from a distance, combined with her being sealed in the moon, was the inspiration for legends of the Rabbit in the Moon. It also probably explains why the Byakugan is still sometimes referred to as the moon eye.  
I must admit that some part of me found it hilarious that all of the major clans are descended from a psycho literal rabbit moon-kami. Also, that makes me your incredibly distant cousin." He waved; "Nice to meet you Uchiha-sama, Uchiha-senpai!"

Mikoto smiled genially. "I would be honoured if you did decide to call the Uchiha family."

The answering smile was frosty and full of teeth. "Yes...I decide. I have no blood family, Uchiha-sama; I choose the family of my heart. And I do not share my heart that easily."

With that, the visit was over.

As Itachi passed through the door behind his mother, he slowed at the polite "Uchiha." He turned, and his eyes met green ones.

"Use that Sharingan to remember something happy. It might...well, might be nicer. Also, I usually use training ground 21 in the mornings; we should spar sometime."

Itachi could see fragile, fearful hope in those eyes. He nodded.

* * *

"Nii-san! You're back!"

"I wasn't gone that long, Sasuke."

"Can you play with me now? You said you would!"

"Of course Sasuke. How about I show you some wire techniques I just learned?"

"Itachi-nii? Why do you have your Sharingan on? Is something...Ah! Stop poking me!"

"Foolish little brother. You'll understand one day. Come on, we can play hide and seek as well."

"Yeah! I'll catch you this time, Itachi-nii!"

* * *

"Fugaku?"

"Yes dear?"

"I think you should reconsider or at least postpone Itachi's placement into ANBU."

"Why's that?"

 **Relapse and Biscuits**

I looked down at the forest floor out of my one eye, the other sealed shut by dried blood from the gash on my forehead. Then someone grabbed me by the jaw and wrenched my head back until it collided with the trunk of the tree and my vision blackened at the edges.

So...so tired...what was that ringing noise? I slumped against the ropes. They bit into my wrists, but it was okay because it didn't hurt because they gone numb a few minutes ago so it didn't hurt too much and I'm really hungry, I wonder how long it's been since breakfast and I'd like to go now because I'm topless so it's cold and the tree bark is digging into my back and I really hate concussion and I want Juugo and ANBU and tea and to finish that scroll on circular patterns in sealing...

...hmmm...iryo-jutsu feels nice and everything's getting less fuzzy. Let's try identifying my kidnapper now. Glasses, grey hair...and everything in my life was going so well too. Note to self; find a shrine to Karma(they actually exist here, no joke) and make an offering.

"Kimimaro-senpai, it's been a while," Kabuto grins.

* * *

 _Let's back up to this morning._

* * *

My routine for the day usually goes; get up at 6am, wake up slowly with breakfast and tea, morning run/warm-up at 7am, spar/train until 9am, relax and shower, have lunch at 12, then find something else to do in the afternoon. Today, I only got as far as morning run.

I run the same route, which goes through one of the old abandoned downtown areas. I learnt that routine is bad. I recognised the cut-grass smell of an Orochimaru's-base-only gas a second or so before I hit the dirt with a tranq dart in my shoulder. Looking back, the gas was probably a delaying tactic to disorientate Bear and Hound.

I briefly resurfaced into a grey fog of movement; slung over someone's shoulder while tree jumping. That's usually not the best method to hold me if you're my enemy, since it makes it easy for me to spear you with a bone in something vital or otherwise crippling.

No go; there's the weird clammy and muffled sensation of chakra suppressants. Plan B? Struggle. It doesn't work most times, so of course it didn't work since I was only half-conscious. My ride does stumble though. My smug satisfaction is incredibly short-lived as I'm backhanded across the face, the metal knuckle-guard plate of a combat glove scraping a stinging pain across my forehead. Quickly followed by the unsettling trickling feeling of blood running down my face. Then, the ringing in my head caused by the blow reduces everything to black once more.

* * *

Cue my waking up to getting my head bashed against a tree by Kabuto. Kabuto, my old kohai. Because that's an itty-bitty change to canon I did by accident; canon-me addressed Kabuto as sensei because of his medical expertise and slight age advantage. This time around, I didn't have those dependency issues, but did have the mental maturity of an adult. So when Kabuto showed up, it dissolved into a passive catfight over who was superior to whom. I won, despite my illness and thanks to my sealing and it kind of plateaued into a comfortable cold war, but with me having a Kekkei Genkai and a rare art over his head. Wary respect. Hence 'Kimimaro-senpai'.

Aaand, I just realised that I technically betrayed Kabuto and given that by now he's torn between Root, Orochimaru and his dead mother-figure - also possibly Sasori brainwashing - I've probably just driven him further into all sorts of issues.

I am so dead. Dead, dead, dead. Dead at the age of nearly-ten. I have no idea where the ANBU are, but they must be coming after me I'm too important, I have too much information, as does Kabuto. Chakra is suppressed, so can't pulse, but Tenzo's a sensor and these seals don't make you undetectable. Have to stall for time.

"Kabuto-cha~n, you don't look so good."

He seethes at the honorific, but I'm right. His right shoulder is dripping blood and one of the lens in his glasses are cracked. He's standing a little stiffly, so I'm guessing cracked ribs. Hang on, is that my T-shirt wrapped around his injured shoulder?! Explains why I'm topless.

"I liked that T-shirt, hell-spawn. Why don't you give it back so you can go bleed out in a ditch somewhere," I grin. The replying fist would probably have cracked my eye-socket if I hadn't twisted to the side; ended up with a fractured humerus though. Wasn't funny. Just very painful; I scream, but I'm muffled by a hand over my mouth.

"You left!" Kabuto hissed. "You betrayed Orochimaru-sama when he gave you a place in this world!"

I lunge forward and bite down. The angle was awkward and Kabuto's fast, but blood gushed in my mouth and bone splintered under my teeth. A high-pitched keening sound from Kabuto and he grabs me by the throat. I let go, spitting out the lump of flesh, blood running down my chin and he's left staring at the mangled remains of his forefinger. No hand-signs for him anytime soon.

His single hand is too small for a proper chokehold around my neck, so I can gasp out my next words. "Was n'ver loyal...want'd a place where I w'sn't tortured an'...'bused regu'ly, th'nks."

We meet each other's gaze and I see the manic hysteria in his eyes. "How about I take you _back,_ " he rasps. "Strap you down helpless and we have a nice, _looong_ session." With his bloody stub of a digit he traces my vivisection Y scar, leaving a carmine line down my belly and with the broken shards of bone poking my skin as he goes. "You, me, a tray of scalpels, chakra suppressants, no anaesthetic and all the time in the world. You will tell me _everything_ because I'm going to drag it out of your screaming-raw vocal chords! Sound good?"

I want to throw up. Because he means it and Orochimaru would probably let him; after he's done with me himself. _I don't want to go back._ I swallow the bile back down. He's gone. Over the edge. First-Class ticket for the Coo-coo train to Crazytown, Beyond the Edges of Reason, have a nice journey, enjoy the complimentary muffins. Where are the ANBU? Did he take them out too? Is it taking too long to raise the alarm and assemble and extraction team? Will they get here in time? Maybe I can get him mad enough to kill me now because that's preferable to ending up a bloody slab of meat on a vivisection table.

"Not rea'y into...bondage," I slur.

His grip on my throat tightens, his nails digging in painfully.

* * *

Hound and Bear streaked through the forest, merely dark blurs in their speed as Bear honed in on a faint pulse of chakra with his sensor abilities.

Hound cursed under his breath. The slimy little rat had slipped his tails; they had underestimated the medic's adoptive son. The four-man squad had been gassed and had had their throats slit before he had gone after Kaguya. The special compound he treated his cloth mask with had saved him from the worst of the gas from the ambush, but he had had to take it slowly to support Bear, who had no such protection. By the time they got to the wall, Kabuto had already got over. But not without a severe shoulder injury and hopefully some broken bones according to the wall patrol. They would have done more but the traitor had held the unconscious Kaguya kid hostage; they went that way, but that's no guarantee, they said.

It wasn't. There were back-tracks and false trails all over, but once the gas wore off, Bear could track the two chakra signatures. Every so often he had to stop and get his bearings, because one was being actively suppressed and the other was muffled, most likely with seals.

As they got closer, Hound could smell blood. Not good.

Both ANBU stopped on a high tree branch but before they could settle, they were hailed.

"You can come on down now; hands apart and where I can see them or I'll rip his neck open. Without killing him."

The small surge of visceral horror from the first half of the threat was pushed aside easily. The second half made it surge up again stronger than before. Hound had assassinated children before, but always quick and painless as possible. He didn't think he could stand seeing Kimimaro covered in blood and writhing in agony. Oh, and he'd fail the mission if something happened. He'd find a way to get all three of them out of this. He had to.  
With a quick pat on Bear's arm, they dropped down.

His Sharingan snaps to Kimimaro, taking in every injury. Left side of face covered in dried blood, sealing the eye shut, from a superficial gash, but that was surrounded by more worrying bruising. Judging from the blackish bruising and slightly off angle on one of the arms tied above him, fractured humerus. Missing T-shirt, exposing a smattering of small scrapes and a thick line of blood, that was _drawn_ of all things, down the scar-line on his stomach. Red marks in the shape of fingers across the throat. Slight muscle tremors and wide, shiny and glazed eyes indicative of an adrenaline high. The coating of congealed blood over the lips and chin was not good; coughing blood meant potential internal injury.

Speaking of mouth and blood, he understood Yakushi's threat. He had a single finger crooked into the inside of Kimimaro's cheek like a mock fish-hook, away from the teeth.  
The ANBU squad had had their throats cut with a chakra scalpel. That didn't need handsigns.  
All he had to do was activate a chakra scalpel around his finger and pull down in one quick motion. Facial muscles, windpipe and major blood vessels all severed.

Bad. Very bad.

Wait! Yakushi was missing a finger on his other hand. That would make hand-signs impossible. Even if he was advanced enough to do them with one hand; one hand was useless in that aspect and the other was occupied with the hostage. Kabuto had barely any ninjutsu and even fewer genjutsu accessible to him now. That evened the playing field somewhat. Should it come down to taijutsu, well, he and Bear had the upper hand; being physically fine as well as being able to coordinate attacks and tag-team. They had to get the two kids away from each other.

But the traitor held all the best cards for the moment.

"ANBU, huh? I should have known," Kabuto said with a slight tremor to his voice. No doubt from the pain starting to make itself known in full force. "Forget about saving him; even if I have to kill Kimimaro-senpai, Orochimaru-sama can still use his body. You'd be doing him a favour; I know he'd rather die here than go back to Orochimaru-sama. But then you'll have failed, won't you?"

Fortunately, the ANBU mask hid the action of Hound's eyes flicking over to Kimimaro. Kabuto couldn't see it because he was concentrating on them, but Kimimaro's eyes were focused on him, Hound, before deliberately blinking twice. They didn't know any shared code, so it must be just to get his attention. Was he going to make a move?

There was a spray of red as a bone spike no thicker than a senbon erupted from the corner of Kimimaro's jaw. It pierced through Kabuto's palm in another gush of blood as the momentum tore his hand away from the mouth before he could summon his chakra scalpel. However, he was quick enough at grabbing a kunai from his weapons pouch with the other hand, capable of wielding one despite the missing finger. Bear's Mokuton was already twining up his ankles, but neither that nor Hound was going to get there in time.

 _'Ssschlunk!'_

The skin around Kimimaro's lower arm bulged and tore as a larger bone spike grew down, spearing Kabuto through his collarbone before subtracting. His subclavian artery broken and haemorrhaging blood, he dropped the kunai mid-swing in favour of pressing his hand to the wound. Then Hound was upon him, and roots were winding around his waist.

While his senpai restrained and stabilized the traitor, Bear cut Kimimaro's ropes, careful to catch him as he slumped forward and lower him to the ground gently. The bones had retracted, though the holes where they had torn through were still spilling blood. The jaw was quickly taped up with gauze and a salve to encourage coagulation and tissue growth, but he wasn't skilled enough to fix the muscles in the arm properly with what iryojutsu he had. He wrapped that up tight with gauze and more salve, before moving to the other arm to reset and splint the fractured humerus with a bar of wood he grew himself then and there.

Kimimaro was silent throughout it all; save for a single whimper and the death grip he had on the edge of his flak vest. The darker, ROOT part of Bear acknowledged and respected that this boy was dedicated enough to rip open his own flesh. Or desperate enough, thought the more emotional part of him.

Just as Bear pulled off the chakra-suppressing tags, Hound-senpai was there. Kabuto was over to the side, face down on the grass, with his nin-dogs standing guard.  
"Bear, did you find the internal bleeding?" Came the clipped query. A head shake in the negative. Hound knelt down. Seeing that Kimimaro's breathing was shaky and his eyes were half-lidded from exhaustion, both as he crashed from the adrenaline high, he grabbed his chin so that he was in his line of vision.  
"You're spitting blood. Where else where you hit?"

A brief frown flitted across the boy's tired features. "Not mine," he murmured. "Bit his finger off."

Both ANBU breathed a sigh of relief and quiet respect. Bear unsealed his canteen. "You want to sit up and rinse your mouth out? It shouldn't aggravate your jaw too much."  
A nod, so Bear pulled Kimimaro's head up into his lap and undid the lid, raising it to his lips for him to take a mouthful before leaning him to the side to spit out the tainted water. He froze as he felt the Kaguya stretch out some chakra to probe his network. It retreated after a quick brush. That was a basic recognition technique, but why...?

"The Snake-bastard got you too," was the quiet mumble. Both ANBU tensed.  
"Coils are all choppy; patched on with surgery. Can tell up close." Kimimaro leaned his head back to stare up at Bear's masked face with a lopsided grin. "S'okay, won't tell anybody you got Mokuton."

"Orochimaru thinks I died a long time ago," Bear admitted. Kimimaro weakly raised the hand of his fractured arm to clumsily pat his arm that was still outstretched and holding the canteen. "I like you. Don't worry; I'll protect you."

"We'll head back now," Hound broke in, rising to his feet. "Bear, you can carry him, since you two seem to have bonded. My dogs and I will take the traitor."

"Jerk," Kimimaro muttered as Bear lifted him onto his back. "Nice jerk, though."

* * *

"Hey kid, how're the arms?" Inoichi smiled as he walked into my hospital room.

"Painful, Inoichi-sama," I grimace as he pulls up a chair to my bedside.  
"Hokage-sama sends his apologies for not being here," he continued. "but his grandson was born this morning."

"Give him my congratulations please, Inoichi-sama." So, Konohamaru was just born? That would make Naruto, wherever he is, about four years old. Nearly five, since he was born in October. That means I'm four years older than him and there's two and a half years, give or take a few months, until the Uchiha Massacre. At least that gives me a frame of reference in regards to timeline.

"Of course. Now, I hear you've had a busy few weeks. How did the visit with Mikoto Uchiha and her son go?"

Oh, obviously Village-Uchiha relations are frosty at this point. Although he must have been told about the visit by Bear and Hound, at least he wants my viewpoint. I tell him that both Uchiha were perfectly cordial, neither had activated their Sharingan and they seemed genuinely interested in just having a conversation. Then the topic was gradually changed over to Juugo's new job and a discussion on the theory of nature chakra. Inoichi seems to have read up on chakra theory, as he was able to contribute to the discussion this time.

When that petered out, I was asked about this morning's events. So, I related what had happened, what injuries I'd received and when and how my conversation with Kabuto had played out.

"That was very brave of you," Inoichi commented when I'd finished. "You knew that your skin would tear, but you did it anyway."

I let out a mirthless bark of laughter. "It's not bravery. It's working through it until I get too desperate. An opening was needed and I provided one."

"But you didn't have to goad on Yakushi like that, it wouldn't have got the ANBU there any faster. Why?"

"I wanted him to kill me."

* * *

"I wanted him to kill me."

The words sent Inoichi's heart sinking into his stomach. Had he missed suicidal tendencies all along?

"I didn't wanna go back." The kid explained dully, his fingers digging into the bedsheet. "He thought he had my loyalty before and you know what he did to me. Now I'm a traitor, imagine what he'd do to me now. I didn't know if anyone would get there in time, I tried to stall but then he really lost it. He was hurt and he didn't have any equipment and I'm used to those sorts of injuries, so I had nothing left to lose. And if I died there and then, at least it would have been quick and in the sun, rather than underground in silence."

So, it was incident only thoughts, not a long-term state of mind. That was a relief. But... "Quite a few people would miss you, you know?" Anko enjoys your wit, as do I at times. Might Gai likes having a student, Hokage-sama is fond of your discussions on seals and chakra theory and Mao Inuzuka...well, I'm not entirely sure if I have the term right, but I'm pretty sure he considers you pack adjacent; a close friend, anyway. And Juugo of course, he'd be devastated."

* * *

It was a nice attempt at comforting me, but it backfired. My shoulders start shaking as I hold back my tears.

"Fake," I blurt out. "None of them really care. Anko, Gai, Hokage-sama; I'm just something to brighten up their lives. I only know Mao because he got curious about my fighting and Juugo? I manipulated him. I played him like a puppet...'cos I wanted petty revenge against Orochimaru.  
He's been trying to cheer me up lately, y'know? Every time he does something nice for me, I hate myself more because. It's. Not. Real. Even now, I don't know if this is real emotion I feel towards him or if it's just...responsibility?! He cares about me so much and I don't know if I feel that way back!

I..I jus'...I don't want to do everything myself. I don' wanna be the mature one, I wanna start over...be a kid!"

Oh kami, I'm screaming like a child having a tantrum and I can feel Inoichi's pupil-less eyes on me. I must look a right mess with my eyes screwed shut, tears streaming down my cheeks and sweating through my bandages. Shinobi aren't supposed to cry. He's probably judging me right now.

No. No, I refuse! I'll cry if I bloody shitting damn well want. I'm human, only human, and I'm sick and tired of having to do everything myself!

* * *

Inoichi was nearly caught off-guard as Kimimaro froze, then erupted into unsuppressed, hiccupping sobs that shook his whole frame. For a split second, his paternal instincts overlaid an image of his precious little girl on the scene before him and before his professional side could reassert itself, he shifted forward and wrapped his arms around the lonely, shaking form of the child in front of him. Because this was a child. A child who had stained his hands with murder and had scalpels stained with his own blood by the time he was Ino's age. Keeping secrets and hiding his emotions behind a mask all this time. The majority of prodigies had positive, stable adult influences to cling to or take cues from, but this kid had no one. It was thanks to only his Kekkai Genkai that he hadn't been turned into a broken, demented weapon already.

He felt Kimimaro's chakra brush against his, blindly searching. He responded back, projecting as many emotions of _safe_ as he could. He felt the knot of _something_ snap inside the boy and all the subtle tenseness he hadn't even noticed, but now seemed obvious, drain away. He traced circles on his back as fingers dug into the front of his black coat.

After a few minutes had passed, he gently eased away his grip, only to find that Kimimaro had fallen asleep against his chest. A mix of ridding himself of all that emotional weight and the gradual effect of the mild sedative provided by the hospital, no doubt.  
After lowering him back into bed and rearranging the covers, he shucked off his now damp and grubby coat, folding it over his arm.

He ran his hand through his hair as he walked down the stairs and into the lobby, where a crowd of people he knew by file, if not by sight, waited.  
"He's sleeping at the minute, but you can head up if you want," he shrugged. "Might do him some good to wake up to a friendly face." The small crowd filed up the stairs, leaving Inoichi free to duck into a side room and bow; "Hokage-sama."

"I'm glad I caught you on my way back from the maternity ward, Inoichi. Let's walk back to the Tower, where you can give me your report."

"Hai, Hokage-sama. We may have to change our approach and I wish to go over it with you."

* * *

 **For all you Americans, a sofa is a couch. I prefer the word sofa; it sounds softer and more cuddly than 'couch'.**

 **So, yeah. Not really depression or lack of emotion, but an emotional disconnection. Still getting used to these being actual real people and the burden that changing the timeline is basically manipulation. Because if I knew that all my friends were only my friends because I manipulated them, I wouldn't be able to get much sleep at night.**

 **Also, we get a timeline now. I have altered the ages from canon a bit. Kimimaro is four years older than Naruto instead of two. Because, really? Kimimaro in the manga/anime did not look fifteen. And Kabuto is six years older than Naruto instead of eight. So at the moment in this story, Kabuto is just about twelve; just before/after the Genin exam.**

* * *

 _ **Next Time:(One long one and several shorts)**_

 **I'm Surrounded...**

Yep, this is just as boring as I remember. Kami, this book is basic. I wonder if I'd get in trouble for doing a flipbook animation on the corners...

 **Laundry**

No. Just...no.

 **Relative**

"This makes disownment number two-hundred-and-sixty-seven."

 **Guest**

"With all due respect, shut up and eat up."

 **Again, comment on what you think will happen.**


	8. Probation: Surrounded

**I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE FALSE UPDATE. I posted a chapter of Die Plot Bunnies Die! to here on accident but quickly deleted it. I bashed my muse over the head so I could get this real chapter out quick to apologise.**

 **In answer to a review for last chapter, which asked me to 'please rewrite this chapter with less angst because he's an adult in a child's body, children don't have many emotions, they're just new to them so lay off the guilt trip until he's 12.' (PARAPHRASED):**

 **Item 1. Thank you for being polite, but I will not be rewriting this chapter.**

 **Item 2. Yes, teenage hormones would be the ideal excuse. But I did RESEARCH! *brandishes document* The frontal lobe of the brain regulates aggression and controls long-term planning, mental flexibility, abstract thinking, the holding of context-relevant info and possibly moral judgement. In prepubescent brains, the frontal lobe hasn't developed yet. Which leads to the list below.**

 **Underdeveloped regulation of aggression = biting Kabuto's finger off.**

 **Lack of proper long-term planning = didn't think that ANBU might be en route.**

 **Lack of mental flexibility = decided to give up and die.**

 **Lack of abstract thinking = didn't occur that dying would effect/upset some other people(until Inoichi asked).**

 **ONWARDS!**

* * *

 _ **Probation Month No.5**_

 **I'm Surrounded...**

At the moment I'm too busy thanking all that is sacred that my hospital gown isn't open at the back because I'm in front of the Sandaime Hokage, to actually register what I'm being told. I heard the words but my usually very finely tuned brain program of Don't-Doom-The-Narutoverse needed a second to reboot.

I ask if he can please repeat that. He does so; our two ANBU are going to be taking a more active role for the rest of the probation. Showing themselves while in the apartment, sharing some of the chores, being available to approach for things and stuff like that.

I'm going to have a flat-share with, not just Juugo, but two of the most important awesome and prominent characters in the Naruto universe. Huh. Just...huh. I don't know what to say to that. Other than verbalizing a 'yes, thank you very much Sandaime-sama'. Why do I think of sharks when I blurt out "we're gonna need a bigger apartment"?

Turns out they won't be bunking in our flat, but will be living in the one next door. I think it's meant that they'll be there as live-in ANBU, not their unmasked personas. Okay, I can live with that. It will be nice not to have to do everything. And to have someone to whine to; Juugo would just get depressed, so I didn't say a single frustrated word in front of him.

I might be able to relax and just...have a moment to think about nothing.

Then the bombshell is dropped. Apparently the only way to stop me being drafted straight into 'one of our more clandestine departments' - yeah, ROOT - is to register me at the Academy regardless of my probation so they can go 'Oh look! He's going to be one of our shinobi anyway!'

Academy...possibly a Genin team...who would be people who were never even seen in the Naruto series...unknown variables.

Unknown variables...who don't expect me to be anything...maybe, just maybe...I could be friends if I wanted?

 _'Straight blonde hair, glasses and terrible drawing skills. Dark ponytail and enthusiastic. Loud blonde midget. Short black hair and bilingual. Solid-built with a bad leg and a passion for comic-book movies.'_

Yeah. Friends. I think I would like that.

...

Oh kami, more homework.

* * *

Yes, this is just as boring as I remember. Kami this textbook is basic. I wonder if I'd get in trouble for doing a flipbook animation on the corners?

You'd think all of the classes at the Academy would be really cool, wouldn't you? But this is the history class. Learning about famous ninja of the past? Interesting. Unfortunately, those are rare gems amidst all the stuff about trade routes and economical treaties with various Daimyos. Not to mention there is some real bias in here. The only bright side to Orochimaru's quest for knowledge is that he abhors censorship. Which is why I know much of the gory details about the Konoha nuke-nin that they've cut out. The gory bits, not the missing-nin.  
Sure, Konoha acknowledges that Sotatsu Yamanaka existed, but doesn't mentioned that his battle-alias was 'The Glass' due to his favourite assassination method of reflecting his jutsu off of any reflective surface such as mirrors or windows.

...I suppose I'm the only one that thinks that's terrifyingly awesome?

This is my first class of my first day. Here's a flashback of me doing my introduction to the class.

* * *

"Settle down class!" Yakuren-sensei yells. The kids fall silent and still, staring at the both of us. She gestures at me; "We have a new student joining your classes. I expect you all to be respectful and polite, understood?" The requisite mumbles of 'yes sensei' as they all stare at me.

The white hair and red markings thing is unusual. I get it. Maybe it's because I'm staring right back at them because kami these 10-year-olds are going to be my classmates. Wait, how do I introduce myself? Is it like the Team 7 introduction? Or should I just say my name? "Pleased to meet you. I am Kimimaro Kaguya of the former Kaguya Clan."

Yakuren sensei glances at me. "Do you have likes or dislikes, Kimimaro-kun?" Someone snickers, presumably at me having to be prompted. I ignore them.  
"I like drawing and blueberries. I don't like people judging me by my heritage. I hate surgery. My hopes for the future are to stay far away from certain people and invent new techniques for my Kekkei Genkai."

There's a moment of silence before I'm told to be seated between some civilian-born kid and a Hyuuga. A Hyuuga with a blank forehead, so he's Main House. There's a surprise. I kind of knew in the back of my head that there must be more kids in the Main House than Hinata, Hanabi and Hinata's babysitter guy, but this is confirmation.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to History.

* * *

Expectations meets reality, yeah? At least it's almost over. Five minutes to go...Four minutes...'

Three minutes to the bell we're told to pack up. Finally! I stuff my notes into my folder and wait for the Hyuuga to finish packing because it's a lecture-theatre style classroom; I can't get out of the row until he does. I'm stood there waiting when suddenly he turns to me with "Toshiki Hyuuga. I'll walk you to taijutsu class."

I narrow my eyes. "Thank you." We both exit the classroom in silence before I ask "Why?"

"Curiosity. I covertly used my Byakugan during History. I noticed some things."

Okay, I would stand out in terms of Byakugan sight. My skin is soaked in chakra, as are my bones and I have storage seals scribed all over my body. Including the seal holding a henge in place that covers my still-fresh wounds. "I imagine you would," I grimace.

"You should drop out of class, you're in no condition to participate," he hisses as we round the corner of the building.

Really? My flesh wounds have all scabbed over; it might hurt but they won't tear open again. I have some pretty fantastic bruises but those won't hinder me at all. And my broken arm is sore but still healed. All in all, I'm actually in adequate condition for a fight. Nothing to be concerned about. "No, I'm fine. This is nothing, believe me."

He looks at me sceptically, but lets it go for now.

* * *

I know I outclass these kids physically, so I hold back. I know Orochimaru pushed me hard, that Gai is a taijutsu master and I have been improving steadily over the time I've been here, but when I spar with my classmates the gap is staggering. I stick to nonlethal moves but even then...  
I slow my movements, leave a few gaps and even let my opponents land a few hits but always on spots I've selected.

The Uchiha girl hasn't clicked and she didn't activate her Sharingan the whole time we fought, so I don't think she has it yet. Toshiki though, he has his Byakugan on constantly and I can see that he knows what I'm doing. A girl with the Nara symbol on her shirt is frowning. The civilian born don't see it at all.

Yakuren-sensei is impassive, so I can't tell, but Mashi-sensei, the taijutsu teaching assistant, is oblivious. I guess after years of correcting stances and katas, he's so relieved to have a capable student who doesn't need his attention that he doesn't look close enough to see how capable.

Oh dear kami, just what happened to me? How did I get this powerful? Did my past life give my physical body a boost as well? Did I just win the genetic lottery? Was I pushed to the limit so often that my body started compensating for the demand?

I didn't notice because there was always someone better. Fighting with my current injuries is nothing, but Toshiki thought they were a big deal. Are they really? Logically, I know that I have a higher pain tolerance because of all the shit I was put through, but I've been put through training while suffering worse. I thought little of it since who knew when I might have to fight while injured; it would be good practice.

Just what have I become?

* * *

Toshiki steps into the ring, breaking my train of thought. He settles into the stance of Gentle Fist and it begins.

Something's off.

Even holding myself back the way I am, he's all wrong. His strikes are perfectly done, but the position of his feet is unbalancing him. Gentle Fist relies on a swaying counterbalance so Toshiki is overextending something awful. From the frustration he's displaying, he knows it's all wrong, so why...that kick was not Gentle Fist. Gentle Fist does not incorporate kicks like that. He's made this up himself, trying to get by. He's Main Branch, surely someone would have corrected him.

Unless...it's something that can't be corrected.

I win the round, but I let him get more hits in than anybody else. I watch him for the rest of the lesson, focusing on his feet. I hope it is his feet, because if it's his back he's in for a world of pain when he gets older.

It is his feet. Well, foot. His left ankle is stiff and every so often it twitches like he's in pain. I can't see since he's wearing open-toed rubber sandals, but I bet he's flat-footed on the left.

He keeps pressing on, keeps fighting, but he gets knocked down again and again. Sometimes he's fast enough to get a few strikes in, but after that initial charge he goes downhill fast. The Uchiha girl seems to enjoy toppling him on his ass and I know she just made that last hit more painful than she should have done. Luckily, other kids seem to be on his side. The Nara girl shoots a glare in the Uchiha's direction and an Aburame(whose clothing makes it really hard to tell which gender they are) tosses him a water bottle.

* * *

I'm given a wide berth at lunch, at least until Nara girl comes over. "You know why Toshiki's been losing sparring matches lately, don't you?" I frown. They hadn't worked it out yet? Nobody's noticed? It can't be an injury.  
"Something's wrong with his foot," I shrug. "It's all stiff and I think it's hurting him. He can't balance like that."

"You were holding back the whole time, weren't you? Where did you come from? How are you that strong?"

"Hm. I was...privately tutored. I was finally able to make a run for it." There, they can have that.

"He's angry at you for letting him hit you. Condescending and all that." She raises an eyebrow that clearly says she thinks he's overreacting. Ah, I didn't consider that.  
"Don't know what else to say other than 'sorry'," I sigh. "Now give me back my pen. I saw you, you know."

She gives a low whistle, pulling my pen out of her pocket. "Sorry, old habit and it's a nice pen. Sticky fingers, but I'm getting better at controlling it. Somehow my control always slips around Mitsuya Uchiha, wonder why that is?...'"

I return the smirk. "Maybe it's the compassionate urge to tutor her in the lesson that a shinobi should always be aware of their surroundings?" She lets out a short bark of laughter.

"Erumi Nara," she says. "You seem okay. We look after our own here; welcome to Class 2."

* * *

 **Laundry**

It all started when Juugo came to me, blushing and clutching his stained bedsheets, and told me he was sick. Naturally, I was worried. Until he told me the symptoms. Or should I say 'symptoms'.

No, just...no.

Juugo asks me why I'm banging my head against the wall. The snort of suppressed laughter coming from one of the two ANBU sitting on the sofa means that I'm on my own. Yeah, thanks guys.

I'm left to explain to Juugo the wonders of puberty and all that entails. Fortunately, him being an animal enthusiast, I don't have to go into detail about the 'sex, and it leading to babies ' side of things.

Questions and their answers are duly haltingly stumbled through. I end with shoving him towards Bear and Hound and telling them to 'give him some tips on shaving or something' before running out the door to buy more laundry detergent.

That was the most embarrassing day of my life.

* * *

 **Relative**

"Itachi," I say with a completely straight face. "I have a confession to make."

He looks over at me curiously, where we're sitting under a tree cooling down from a sparring session.

"Your brother is the most adorable thing ever."

He nods with utter solemnity. "I know."

We go back to watching a five-year-old Sasuke stalking crickets in the long grass.

"Did you have any siblings?" Itachi asked out of the blue. I open my mouth to say no, but stop as I think about something.  
"I can't be sure," I settle with. "I was kept isolated from the rest of the Clan so I might have had siblings. Either way, they were dead twice over by the time they all died."

"Sasuke is my reason for living." Itachi says so quietly I almost miss it. Oh, that's right; didn't he throw himself off a cliff only to change his mind halfway down?

I look at chibi-Sasuke, laughing away and it becomes difficult to think about him as a killer with Orochimaru's curse seal on his neck. "He's about the age of the kids Orochimaru was brainwashing," I whisper. "But I'm too weak and scared to really do anything. All I could do was run."

"Lot more courageous than giving up and staying," came a voice behind us. The guy dodges my Digital Shrapnel with a Shunshin and it isn't until Itachi says "Shisui!" that I realize who it is.

Sasuke comes running and cannons into Shisui's legs to hug him, before bounding over to his big brother to show him the flower he picked.

This is...this is good. This moment right here. Sasuke is innocent, Itachi is free to be a loving older brother and Shisui is alive. Both older Uchiha have their Sharingan activated and I realise that they're committing everything here to memory.

The moment is sort of broken when Shisui grabs Itachi(Itachi lets him, rather) and proceeds to ruffle his hair, pulling it out of it's ponytail. Itachi's hair falls loose and he looks like a girl, but he doesn't chase after Shisui because Sasuke is still stuck to his leg.

Shisui Shunshins over to me. "Thanks for telling the Clan about using the Sharingan for happy things, even if it makes the rest of the Village twitchy. Itachi's been a lot less stiff." He twirls Itachi's hairband around his finger.

"I think you should run," I say. "Itachi doesn't look happy."

A shrug. "He just 'disowns' me."

"Shisui! I renounce any relation to you!"

"See? This makes disownment number two-hundred and sixty-seven."

* * *

 **Guest**

I walk up to the door of the apartment, steeling myself. Right, once more into the breach, here we go.

I knock and the door is opened by a pyjama-clad ANBU Bear, mask in place over rumpled bed-hair. "Yes?" He asks blearily. Damn, I feel really bad when I get night-shift workers out of bed.

"Sorry, sorry! Didn't mean to get you out of bed. Just wanted to invite you two to eat dinner with us tonight."

The sound of a cloak fluttering behind me and Bear straightens up as Hound looms over my shoulder. "Why?" He rumbles.

Ehhh...the whole hospitality thing kind of goes back to my past life, but I can't say that. I can still tell the truth though. "Because you guys kinda saved me from a fate worse than death, plus you have to stick around 24/7; I want to say thank you somehow. Also I need someone to taste test a new curry recipe and Juugo doesn't count since the only curry he eats is mine."

* * *

Kimimaro Kaguya reminds Kakashi of Minato-sensei in some ways. Not the seals or the sarcasm; just little gestures out of nowhere. Like taking in Juugo. Like keeping Bear's secret. Like inviting someone to dinner. Minato-sensei did that; he said it was something he enjoyed and it let him get to know people better without it being too formal.

Hound isn't stupid. Those red flags on his psyche reports? Those are the ones he lets them see so they won't dig too deep. But he's whole enough to know that he isn't projecting. Kimimaro is like Minato-sensei, but there's something about him like a scab; protecting and trying to heal the underneath, but pull it off and it's all red and raw. There was something raw during his first taijutsu class at the Academy, like he only just realized how much it hurt underneath. Sometimes there's a wistfulness in his eyes or an ugliness in his smile.

Minato-sensei would have loved Kimimaro. Kushina would have adored his biting comments. Obito would have liked his little kindnesses towards people. Rin would have enjoyed his level-headedness.

Hound doesn't see any risk.

Kakashi says yes to dinner.

* * *

Bear feels dumb just standing there in the kitchen watching Kimimaro cook. Cat says he should talk to people more, so he tries to start a conversation.  
"So...uh, where did you learn to cook?"

Kimimaro checks the clock while watching the rice. "I wouldn't call it...well, it's not like I'm following a recipe. I just learned how to prepare ingredients and which of them go together. Curries all follow the same pattern and they're really easy. I don't like anything too spicy though. You?"

"I don't really mind," he starts off, but decides that that isn't a proper answer. "Nothing stupidly spicy, anyway. I just don't like anything greasy. I'm not implying that your cooking is greasy, it looks really nice actually!"

"Heh. It's fine, I know what you meant. It's okay not to like something; I hate marrows. They taste like stagnant water to me and they look like green slime."

"Most people would say that field ration bars are their least favourite food."

"No, actually I'm okay with those," Kimimaro says, pulling four plates out of a cupboard and turning off the oven. "Always meant more for since nobody else liked them. Guess they liked my cooking too much."

"You cooked for other Shinobi under Orochimaru?"

"Hm." He carried the pans over to the sideboard and started ladling curry onto the plates.

"Did you ever cook for Orochimaru himself?"

Bear knows that he inadvertently crossed a line when Kimimaro puts the pan down sharply. "No. No, just...stop with the interrogation, okay? I was never asked to, but...I like cooking. Really like it. And I didn't want him to have any part in on thing I could enjoy by myself."

He scoops rice onto one of the plates of curry and pushes it into Bear's hands. Before the ANBU can formulate an apology, he's cut off.

"Sorry. I kind of snapped at you there. But can we talk about normal things tonight? Stuff that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things? I want to get to know you two as people with your own personalities. Not shadows who are only interested in me. And if you don't want to talk, you can still eat. So, with the greatest respect, shut up and eat up."

* * *

 _ **Next Time(More school!):**_

 **Skin Deep**

Oh...there are going to be so many questions. Uncomfortable questions.

 **Ladybirds and...Him; That Guy.**

No. No, this cannot be happening. Oh kami, they're looking at me. Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact...'

 **Review what you think will happen!**

* * *

 **I think** Magic29 **is psychic because she guessed a lot of this chapter.**

 **On a more general note, I said I would be avoiding Angst, not Dark. I just cut most of the Naruto series in half by taking out Kabuto; progress! I don't consider last chapter to be angst since Kimimaro chose to stop bottling up the negative emotion. That's catharsis, not angst. Also, it was half a chapter, not an entire arc.  
I won't be going grimdark at any point, but there will be some morally black things being touched upon later in the fic. Nothing graphic or particularly depressing for the audience, but more in-depth than the implied stuff so far. **

**OCs!...yay? This is my first time doing long-term OCs rather than single-use or background OCs, so I'll try my best to make them all human.**

 **I do cook a mean curry by the way.**


	9. Probation: Skin Deep & Ladybirds

**If the Guest who left the flame would like to avail themselves of a dictionary before they leave such negative comments, said comments might actually hold more weight than an anorexic gnat. An anorexic gnat that was squished into dust beneath my fluffy slippers.**

 **More catharsis in this chapter, because Magic29 requested opening up to Kakashi and Tenzo. YOU ASKED FOR IT!**

 **Warnings for vivisection imagery, Gaslighting(look it up, it's horrifying), Command Responsibilty Guilt, emotional breakdown and some swearing.**

 ** _Probation Month No.6_**

 **Skin Deep**

One, two, three, four points and a wobbly line; the scar on my jawbone looks like a lopsided star. The one on my arm looks more like a thin crack in glass because it was properly stitched back together instead of leaving it to heal like the one on my face.

I prefer both of them over the surgical ones. They might be misshapen, but I earned them instead of having them forced on me like the others.

I can tell myself all the sappy shit I like about those lines being a mark of bravery and endurance, but it doesn't change the fact that it's degrading and downright terrifying to be peeled open with clinical precision and be mesmerised by the sight of gloved fingers weighing and measuring your own fucking organs. And then to be healed up and treated like nothing happened. That's the most unnerving bit; it's normal. You start to wonder if you're the one screwed in the head for being freaked out by it.

I retch into the sink, gagging on acid and nightmares. Almost immediately, warm hands steady me, grounding me in the now. They go to check my pulse and temperature, but I brush them away, instead turning around and grabbing onto thick cloth armoured vest and drinking in chakra that feels faintly of ozone and metal. Hound.

Of the two, it had to be him. Why couldn't it be Bear, who would know what I'm talking about?

"It's nothing," I say dryly. "Just a random upwelling of self-loathing colliding with a flashback."

"About Kabuto?" He asks quietly. I can see how he came to that conclusion, but I shake my head as I rest my hand on the scar tissue on my stomach.

"I can work through pain." I mutter. "I could deal with the vivisections. And I suppose it's a good thing I'm so strong. It's just that nobody cared."

I jerk my head up, looking Hound right in the eyeholes of his mask with my best, sunniest smile. And it _aches_. I feel his heart miss a beat.

"Nothing's wrong!" I chirp, feeling dangerously light-headed off of the chemical crucible of emotions pouring through my head. "Everything's fine, perfectly normal, move along now nothing to see, all's right with the world!" I try to choke down a sob, but it comes out instead as deep groan in my chest.

"It's perfectly normal to be sliced open, don't be silly! After all, we've just healed you right up so no harm done. Thank you Orochimaru-sama, of course it's not brainwashing, we're just making these children realise how grateful they should be to have Orochimaru-sama watching over them. Of course, I'm not upset, look, I'm smiling! Keep smiling, be happy because this is for Orochimaru-sama. Gotta keep smiling and pretending."

Where are these words coming from? Do I even care, for that matter?

My voice is choked to a rasp by now, and I think my knees just gave way, prompting Hound to lower me to the floor. "Fucking eyes," I spit. "All their eyes so relaxed and content I just want to scream at them but I can't do or say anything because gotta pretend. Want to rip them apart because they're doing this to kids and I have to look them in the eyes and tell them to do it. I sent children to fates worse than death and they don't even know what I did to them...'"

I don't know how long we sat there on the bathroom floor; I was in a daze and Hound was probably processing everything I said. Then a clone of him comes in with a glass of water and a jar of baking soda. He knows what he's doing; a little of the alkali powder mixed with the water and the foul taste of bile and stomach acid in my mouth is neutralised. I press back into Hound's chest. "Only my nightmares would be filled with smiling children," I murmur dejectedly.

He sighs and leans forward, resting his chin on top of my head. "I'm...not good with feelings," he said in an undertone. "Inoichi's area of expertise, not mine."

"Don't care. Thanks for...just you being here is helping."

He 'hn's, picking idly at a piece of lint on his gloves. "You use the feel of other people's chakra to refocus, that's why you're so tactile. It was expected that you would hate being touched, considering what was done to you."

I snort softly. "Not...really. I'll still get the urge to bolt if I see anyone pick up a scalpel for a while yet, I'll say that now. But after spending so long in isolation, touched only through rubber gloves and smothered in seals, no touch or chakra means pain; not the other way round. Only people I know and/or who have unique chakra; I won't be hugging random strangers."

"Juugo, Bear, myself," Hound mused. "Makes sense. What about the Uchiha Heir?"

"Lot steadier than Shisui or Sasuke," I explain as best as I can. "Still fire, but more like white-hot coals. Still burning, but intense heat. It's sad, really." Sod it all, might as well drop a few hints. "You get white coals when you starve a fire. More intense than a normal flame, but they eventually break into dust under their own temperature. Suddenly toss more fuel on and it doesn't burn, it explodes. I know what to look for."

"I'll keep an eye on him." Unspoken is the incredulous; 'How the bloody hell has nobody noticed?!'

I heave myself up and stagger through the door into the living room and my stomach sinks when I see the clock. I've missed a whole morning at the Academy. "...shit."

"Pack a bento and go," Hound says. "You'll get there for lunch break. I'll go with you and explain to the sensei that you were unwell."

I nod, and fling some light food into a bento box, pull my moccasins on, grab my school folder and jump out the window, followed by my ANBU.

...Why do I feel like I've forgotten something?

* * *

Hound and I part ways at the Academy gates. The second I enter the packed-earth yard which serves as both private training ground and playground, I am accosted by Erumi Nara. She drags me off to the gaggle of misfits and oddballs that are tentatively edging into my friend-zone. Actual friends, I mean. I'm just dreading the day they find out that I've been trying to insert myself into their graces because I want them to like me. Nobody likes being manipulated.

In my past life, I somehow managed to co-found an unofficial lunch group at school, which I named ANAGNA. Art Nerds And General Nutters Association. For all of those people who didn't quite fit into the other cliques that children are wont to form. We weren't Sporty, Intelligent, Pretty or Rowdy. We just got together to draw, make fun of politics and rave over our favourite anime.

This is...much the same. Except that I'm the rookie of the group.

Here, Erumi is the undisputed Big Sis of our group, backed up by a guy the year above us who's name is Torusuke Tonbo. He's following his older brother into an apprenticeship in T&I if he meets the grades. I recognise said brother from canon as one of the sentinels from the first part of Naruto's Chuunin Exam; he wears bandages over his eyes, but has no trouble reading and writing unassisted. Which narrows it down to Hyuuga, Yamanaka, unknown/new bloodline, out-of-this-world sensor or any of the above combined with troll tendencies.

I can feel him glaring at me as Erumi hauls my ass over.

"What in Sage's Name happened to you?" She hisses. I blink. Erumi's not one to buy into the laidback Nara stereotype, but it's not like her to get so worked up like this. I have no idea what she's talking about; I'm fine!

My confused silence must have tipped them off, because Toshiki stepped up. "The scars and seals, _genius_. What happened? Who did this to you?"

Oh. I forgot to activate my Henge. Toshiki knows about my arm and cheek - he just doesn't know how I got them - but that henge also hid the vivisection scars and the storage seals; the proficiency of the latter indicating I'm not normal level. Now they see all of me for the first time. Oh...there are going to be so many questions. Uncomfortable questions.

A beetle lands on my arm, one of the bronze-coloured ones that Yuyu Aburame(a girl as it turns out, everyone uses female pronouns to refer to her and she takes the Kunoichi classes) uses instead of the usual black chakra-eating ones. "Something's different," she says, quiet and less prone to talking than even other Aburame. "Lost a layer. Henge?"

"Yeah," I start off hesitantly. "I forgot to put it on when I left; I was kind of...preoccupied."

"You _need_ to tell someone," Torusuke says, taking my arm gently and examining the scar on my arm. "Don't get me wrong, you're _good_ if you managed to hide it this long, but nobody should be hurting you like this."

I snicker, prompting them to look at me oddly. Apart from the fact they think I'm being systematically abused - not too far off the mark, except it's not current like they think - what a dichotomy from...everything. I ignore the aching feeling in my chest and decide to talk them through it.

"Guys...you're right about what I've been through, to a point, but the people in charge already know. That's why I'm here in the Village."

Dawning realisation fills Erumi's eyes seconds before it does everyone else's: "You said that you were privately tutored...and that you finally got away...shit." It's the first time I've ever heard her swear and judging by the others' expressions, it's a first for them as well.

Toshiki, being Hyuuga and particularly Main House, gets it pretty quick.

"Kekkei Genkai?" He asks with his mouth in a grim line. I nod and his lips become a harsh slash on his face.

"How long was this going on?" Torusuke practically growls. It's unusual to see someone so worked up on my behalf with nothing but good intentions. I lick my lips nervously. They're just kids. They're _shinobi_ kids, sure, but they don't have the maturity that comes from fighting to live each day at a time. Then again, Torusuke wouldn't have been offered that apprenticeship if they thought he couldn't handle it, Erumi is a little _too_ street-smart for it to have been learned and my gut tells me that Yuyu and Toshiki have their own secrets.

"Abuse by my own clan from my birth up until I was about four or five. Then attempted brainwashing and experimentation by somebody else up until half a year ago."

They're all practically _bloodless_. Yuyu's voice quavers. "Class introduction. Mentioned hatred of surgery?" Like she's begging for it not to be true. I blankly raise the hem of my T-shirt. Torusuke's jaw tightens and he turns and gags into a clump of bushes. Those in my year look at him concernedly and in confusion.

When he pulls himself together, he answers their unasked question with a hollow voice. "Next year you guys will cover biology practicals including vivisection; basically, autopsies with the subject still alive." It takes a second to sink in. They all react in different ways.

Toshiki curls in on himself, clutching his torso protectively and no doubt imagining himself in my place. Erumi leans against Torusuke, shaking and silently mouthing swear words to herself. Yuyu whimpers and kind of slumps to a cross-legged seat on the ground, metallic-coloured kikaichu suddenly swarming over her coat in response to her distress.

I let my T-shirt fall back into place, sit down on the ground next to Yuyu, open up my bento and start eating. It's Lunch Break after all.

* * *

Torusuke always knew that Kimimaro was a tough little shit, but this was proof. And the kid was just eating his lunch like he hadn't just dropped a paper-bomb of terrifying proportions. Torusuke knew that Kekkei Genkai children sometimes met horrible fates, but this was someone he knew. And what Clan abused it's own child?! An infant, no less. If he hadn't already known that the Kaguya Clan was extinct(save one), he would be planning to raze them to the ground the moment he was able.

"Damn it all, Kimimaro," he gasps out, but checks himself when he sees the guarded look in the younger boy's green eyes. "Why tell us now? You could have lied." Torusuke asks. Really, it was obvious why Kimimaro had hid the scars in the first place; who wanted to be reminded of such horrors every time they looked in the mirror?

At first, it looked as if no answer was going to be given at all. But then, a quiet sigh; "I'm tired of keeping it all locked up in my head. Also, I trust you guys. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's trust, I just know you won't...I...judge me."

And damn if that just didn't make his heart bleed even more.

Erumi drops to one knee beside Kimimaro and slowly puts her arms around his shoulders. "Nobody," she says to him, but loud enough for all the others to hear. "Will ever hurt you again." It's a promise, a pact of which they all enter into as they nod their heads at this declaration.

Kimimaro snorts derisively, but Torusuke can see his resolve cracking. "Unrealistic. I'm going to get hurt at some point; you can't stop that."

"We're not that stupid," Toshiki smirks. "But we're not talking about that. We mean-'"

"This," Yuyu breaks in, surprising the rest of the group at this break in her usually retiring-to-the-point-of-muteness nature. She reaches out a slim, tanned hand and places it on his chest. "Not this. Never again. Wrong," she re-iterates with a shake of her head.

Kimimaro stills for a second, his breathing harsh as he shrinks in on himself, before he gently bats the girls' hands away. "What's the catch?" He sneers bitterly. "What do you want in return?"

Torusuke staggers in disbelief when Toshiki boops Kimimaro lightly on the nose, despite his wrist now being caught in the white-haired boy's steel-trap grip.

Oh, and cross-eyed Kimimaro is bloody adorable.

"You're my friend now, genius," the Hyuuga says in all seriousness, levity gone from his voice and expression. "You don't have to do anything. We're doing this because we want to. No more masks. You don't need to make yourself look good anymore. We want to see the real you, Kimimaro. Can you give us a chance? Please?"

Torusuke is confused. Masks? Why would that come up? Was Toshiki really saying that Kimimaro had been changing himself to try and make them like him? This is...this is messed up. He sees the desperation and loneliness that drove such actions, but at the same time...it's still lying. And if the real Kimimaro turns out to be someone he just can't get along with, he's going to beat himself up over not being there for someone who obviously needs him. How much of it was fake? Because if the answer is 'too much', he doesn't think he can really put his heart into this.  
Sure, he'd still protect the younger boy if needed, but staying friends is another matter.

By the time Torusuke sorts out his feelings, Kimimaro seems to have sorted his out as well.

"'Kay," he says quietly, letting go of Toshiki's wrist and taking his hand properly. "Going to protect you back though."

They can all see the slight difference in his posture; slightly looser and more vulnerable but looking more relaxed than they've ever seen him.

"You all think it's wrong that I went through...this?" He asks tentatively, gesturing at his chest where scars hide beneath his T-shirt. Something in his voice, a silent plea for validation, has them confirming his question with all the sincerity they can muster. He barks out a harsh laugh that sounds relieved, before mumbling something about 'course it's not all right, not okay, not normal'. Then he falls back into his usual soft speech, but overall seems as if his world has clicked back into place.

They spend the last few minutes of Lunch Break hastily eating while trying to figure out where they stand via testing the boundaries of this new dynamic with light conversation and subtle gestures.

Then the bell rings and Kimimaro looks down at himself. "Should I put the Henge back on? Others will notice if I don't, but I do like freaking people out with the truth."

"Your body," Yuyu says.

"Dunno," Erumi shrugs. "On one hand, I think you should only show people you trust. On the other...I really want to see their faces."

"It'll effect you the most, just do what you feel comfortable with," Toshiki muses.

Torusuke holds up his palms defensively. "Not in your classes; I won't be affected either way, so I'm not going to pick a side."

Kimimaro grins wickedly.

* * *

Yakuren-sensei gapes a little when she sees my two most prominent scars, but quickly reasserts her usual calm demeanour. No doubt she was given a light briefing on my background.

The students filing in stare wide-eyed at the imposing figure of ANBU Hound, who ignores them and turns away from his quiet conversation with Yakuren-sensei in favour of glancing me over briefly before brushing past me - briefly putting his hand on my shoulder - and through the door. The children still coming through the door stumble back to get out of his way. The snarky bastard's enjoying himself, I just know it.

Once such a figure of interest leaves the room, my scars start getting noticed; I see double-takes and it's hilarious. The civilian kid sitting next to me can't take his eyes off me and he looks a little pale. Those of the class who aren't staring in disturbed awe can be sorted into too groups.

The ones who are silently respectful are shinobi-raised or Clan, with two civilians who are from the rougher side of the streets.

The ones who stare with childlike admiration are nearly all civilian, but I think one or two are shinobi-raised. They still look at this world through rose-tinted glasses and probably think that I got these scars through some sort of heroic deed against all odds.

Fools. But they are children and their realisations will come in time. Hopefully.

I still have my...friends. Yes, friends. I still have them.

* * *

 **Ladybirds and...Him; That Guy**

"Thank you for coming," Itachi says to me in an undertone. I stand next him at Sasuke's Entrance Ceremony to the Academy. Fugaku didn't come like he did in canon, but Itachi and I together attend in his place. Itachi memorised the whole thing with his Sharingan, smiling gently at Sasuke's excited face as the smallest Uchiha bounces up and down on the balls of his feet.

Itachi's been looking less haggard lately, so I get the feeling that Hound's been taking some of the pressure in ANBU off. The Uchiha Heir seems to be crashing at my place recently though and we've been taking advantage of the extra time. Namely, Itachi using my need to hug because Uchiha Do Not Give Hugs so clearly he is just helping out a comrade in need.

Itachi needs hugs. He definitely looks better afterwards. I get the feeling that none of his immediate family are remotely tactile. Fugaku and Mikoto specifically. Sasuke gets a pass because of his young age and that he's not the Heir and therefore doesn't need such an austere reputation. Needless, Sasuke hardly gets a chance because of Itachi being pulled back and forth and getting emotionally torn in the process.

During one of these Itachi Does Not Give Hugs sessions - which typically involve a fluffy blanket, hot chocolate and lots of Not Talking - Itachi somehow became my proof-reader/editor. If Juugo is there, we usually play Go Fish instead because poker is just humiliation waiting to happen.

Because why not use all my past-life knowledge? I'm writing down all the stories that I remember, filling in and embellishing the bits I've forgotten and collaborating with Itachi to eventually get them published. I think he enjoys having a non-shinobi hobby to distract himself. Itachi says he's working on turning the short horror story with the flesh-eating snails into a subtle genjutsu. I am so thankful that I'm immune to genjutsu of that level because it's a pretty creepy story.

The Uchiha prodigy actually has a very pithy and dry sense of humour. The sort that takes a second to sink in before I'm snickering like mad and Itachi's doing the bland-brick-wall look which is the shinobi expression for wide-eyed innocence. He's also taken to incessantly humming the song 'Hanging Tree' after I introduced it to him. It's sufficiently classical-theatre-ballad that it passes muster in public so people don't ask too many questions about it's origin.

Sasuke thinks I'm sort-of cool because Itachi reads some of the stories to him and he likes the one where a princess volunteers to be captured by a dragon because she likes cooking and swords and outs a conspiracy to usurp the dragon throne. However, it's been drilled into his head that author is a civilian job, so I'm only sort-of cool. Also, I take his Aniki away from him, so there was a brief period where he was extremely jealous because his nii-san was doing not-shinobi things with someone who was not-Sasuke.

I'm slowly redeeming myself though. Because my ability to sprout varying types of horns at will is fascinating to a five-year-old. As is the way I can grow weapons and figurines. Sasuke may or may not have a small bone sculpture of a dragon holding the Uchiha fan in one claw. What can I say, he's adorable.

The Entrance Ceremony went smoothly; I caught a distinctive flash of very yellow-blonde at one point, but then it was gone. I hold back the excitement. I've messed with events a little bit, I'll probably run into Naruto at one point or another if I just keep doing what little I am.

So, I reply to Itachi's thanks with a "no problem" and press a plain envelope containing the next chapter for proofreading into his hand. I then slip away into the crowd and towards the Naka River where I promised to meet Yuyu Aburame.

* * *

"I got another one," I announce, holding out the ladybird for her inspection. She peers at it closely, though what she's looking for I don't know, before holding out a clear plastic tank for me to deposit the spotted beetle inside.

She found out that I actually quite like bugs and so invited me to come and collect ladybirds with her. From what I could gather, she's trying to breed their hibernating instinct into her own kikaichu because they die quickly in the cold and don't replenish fast enough; hopefully ladybird genes will give them some resistance as well as a higher fertility rate.

Yuyu's alright, I guess. Unlike other Aburame, who will nitpick with their 'why? Because...'' tic, she prefers to skip words altogether or just not speak at all. She doesn't exactly take pains to shy away from crowds, she's just content to stand there like a brooding monolith and project actual waves of crushing silent disapproval. My 'snarky bastard' senses tingle whenever she does that, so I think it's actually her idea of fun to subtly break up other people's conversations.

I like her; she's funny without, well, trying to be funny. She just _is_.

She's also teaching me how to make chakra threads, which she apparently is also teaching Toshiki. I'm not very good at it. Shikotsumyaku is mostly guiding chakra to the general are, then intent. Chakra threads, you have to concentrate on shaping it into a strand, not too thick, not too thin, make sure it doesn't break and only then can you think about moving it.

That's just one thread.

I now have newfound respect for Suna's Puppeteers. Also, the finer the control over a multi-jointed thing you want, the more threads you have to use, which means more fingers. Which explains why Kankuro and Chiyo are viewed as incredibly dangerous because they can use multiple puppets at the same time and Sasori's collection was... _is_ a genuine 'everyone is screwed' technique.

So, plastic tank full of spotted beetles and me with a concentration headache, we walk through town. The Aburame Compound is on the other side of the Village and I need to buy some balm because Juugo's suffering from growth-spurt cramps in his legs. Considering how tall he is in canon, they're only going to get worse.

Suddenly, there's a shout of "Kimimaro-kun!" and this random girl whose hair looks vaguely familiar rushes up to us, mumbles something while blushing like mad, pushes a paper bag into my hands and runs back to the gaggle of girl friends standing over on the sidewalk who are giggling and staring at the whole scenario.

Eh?

I inspect the bag carefully before opening it. Dango. O~kay...why?

But hey! Free food!

I take one and offer the open bag to Yuyu. Then I pause because she's projecting disapproval again. "Uh, Yuyu-kun...why are you unhappy?"

"Doubt Tsumi-san will be happy."

"Oh, is that her name? Guess I'll have to find her and say thanks at some point. What's she got to do with me offering food to a friend?"

Yuyu looks me in the eye. It's quite unnerving because she wears a dark visor instead of the usual sunglasses. "You're sharing your fangirl's offering with another girl."

What.

What.

...

 _What._

Fangirls.

 _Fangirls._

Error.

Errorerrorerror...Current program has stopped working. Please stand by. Program will take a few seconds to reboot.

...

"What?" I sputter. No. No, this cannot be happening. Oh kami, they're looking at me. Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact...

Yuyu hums in amusement. "Unaware?"

"Of course I didn't know! I don't even _like_ girls that way!" What? I don't. I haven't hit puberty, so sexual/romantic interest in either gender is exactly nil.

From the girl group on the other side of the street comes an audible deflating noise and a black miasma of despair.

Two shinobi blatantly loitering in front of a shop window crack up laughing and stumble off in hysterics muttering things like 'comedy gold' and 'funniest thing since ages'.

I grin sheepishly at Yuyu and offer the bag again; "Dango?"

* * *

The next day, Toshiki and Erumi come over with massive grins. "So, we hear you're gay."

"NO! I AM NOT! This is the fifth time somebody's asked that! How is this my life! Come on guys, stop laughing."

Wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

 _ **Next Time:**_

 **Tadpoles  
** "How long did it take you to come up with that?"

 **She's a Lady...  
** We glance at each other. "We never speak of this again," Erumi says, glare flatter than Holland. "Also, someone get me a tissue, quickly, there's blood all over me."

 **As always, read, enjoy and review about what you liked most and what you think will happen next time.**

* * *

 **Itachi was meant to be just two paragraphs at most, but then he just stole the section away from me. I think Itachi would be an amazing author; probably writing dark philosophical fiction about human nature like Lord of The Flies or Orwell's 1984.  
Also, Itachi needs hugs, so he gets some. Hug Therapy FTW.  
**

 **The story with the flesh-eating snails is from Chris Priestley's Tales of Terror From The Black Ship. The one with the princess and the dragons is Dragonsbane by Patricia. C. Wrede.**

* * *

 **I also have an announcement. I recently found a fandom whose mechanics are based on the soul. The souls come in the seven colours of the rainbow, one being viewed as more powerful than the others, with each having a particular personality aspect and the power channelling into different objects to weaponize them.**

 **Now, am I talking about Undertale or Katekyo Hitman Reborn? Think about that for a moment.**

 **...**

 **WE NEED CROSSOVERS!**

 **Squalo is basically Undyne, Mettaton is Lussaria, the SOULS are basically the Arcobaleno with the colours switched and Chara is Byakuran! HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN THIS?**


	10. Probation: Tadpoles & She's a Lady

**Wow. So, um...last chapter signalled the start of a lot of negative reviews.** **Everyone who thought the chapter was good: Thank you, all of you! Your comments really made my day!**

 **IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Last chapter was literally the end of the catharsis/angst. That's it. I have nothing else. This chapter is back to the usual funnies, character building and slowly developing plot and it will stay that way. Granted, later chapters will be serious and there will be moments of 'holy shit that's dark', but the angst is over. OVER. *Kicks angst axolotl in the ribs***

 **Sorry about the wait, Hell is Empty, All the Devils are Here took up some of my time. That's where all the angst is going now.**

 **Warnings: Crossdressing and a brief mention of Consent Laws. The last one isn't as bad as it sounds.**

 **This isn't a filler chapter, more of a world-building one with some foreshadowing.**

 **EDIT: New section Flare added, for character-building purposes.**

* * *

 _ **Probation Month No.7**_

 **Tadpoles**

It's a shame that the word 'Bedlam' doesn't exist here, because that's how I would describe the current scene.

You see, this morning I got back from my morning run to find Itachi crashed on my floor in full ANBU gear. Once he came round, I found out that his mission had gone really badly and he didn't want to go home just yet; warning bells at that statement. Reticent, even for him, he made use of the shower and had breakfast with me and Juugo. Also technically Hound and Bear, since they ghost around in plain sight often enough to feel like guests/residents now. Juugo goes off to work, I go off to the Academy and Itachi goes to sleep on my bed.

When I get to the Academy, there is exciting news. The Infiltration elective is holding it's start-of-year assessment as a party this year. All students except first years are invited. Non-Infiltration students are to simply come as they are and those taking the Infiltration course have to come as someone else, without using ninjutsu or genjutsu. Older students, so ages 9 to 12, are allowed to bring dates, especially if they're taking the course.

Best. Test. Ever. Dammit, I should have signed up for that course. Except I didn't because I filled my three slots with Trapping, Tactics and Kenjutsu. And, well, I'm tired of pretending. At least I can just enjoy the party, right?

Well...Erumi takes Infiltration. All the serious girls do because it's basically a less frivolous course than the so-called 'kunoichi classes': Domestic Skills(cooking, sewing, etc.), Social skills(gossiping/'intelligence extraction', flower-arranging, calligraphy and an instrument. Also low-level seduction, but only for the final years.) and...Coding. Well, it is a shinobi Village.

On a side-note, Yuyu takes Social Skills and Coding and rocks them. Because she doesn't care. She just plows through it with complete seriousness.

So, yeah. Erumi Nara takes Infiltration. She chose me to be her date; as a friend thing, we both made that clear to each other(and everyone, so stop laughing Torusuke). However, this led to the whole gang wanting to help with her assessment. Because we're nice friends like that and totally not because we want the chance to dress her up. Cough.

We needed a place to plan. The Academy teachers kick everyone out the moment the last bell rings; who could blame them? Toshiki's a Hyuuga and we are not getting through the Compound gates, plus there's the whole thing where we'll have Byakugans on us at all times. Torusuke lives in the Student Dormitory Complex, which is basically a giant Hostel for kids who are too independent to live in the orphanage but aren't ready to live on their own; little-to-no privacy. Erumi would rather not have everyone back to her house because the whole Nara Clan would just invite themselves out of curiosity. Yuyu likes her private space thank-you-very-much.

Guess who's left?

Because I am a walking, bleeding heart of generosity. I didn't let them forget it the whole way back through town.

* * *

I opened my apartment door and was immediately mobbed by three dogs instead of one.  
Juugo had invited Mao Inuzuka over, not knowing I had my own guests. While Mao introduces himself, I slip away to check on Itachi. He's shut himself in the bedroom with a whole pack of oat biscuits and is pretending he's not hiding from everyone else. Message received, I close the door behind me and go back to find everyone else.

And then a Canon bombshell is dropped.

* * *

"Really?" I say politely.

"Yep." Mao grins proudly. "My boy's the daddy of four adorable puppies! Tsume-sama says she's earmarked one of them for her son. Hang on, I've got a picture somewhere...'"  
The photograph is produced and while everyone coos over the little bundles of fluff - including me, because puppies in their stumbling hyperactive stage are freaking adorable - my mind connects some dots.

I look at Mao's ninken Sumimaru, a large fluffy male dog who's a pale tea-brown with black splodges. He also has long floppy ears, one of those lower jaws with lips that sag open a little and make him look constantly-smiling and eyes that are always creased-closed.

I look at the female dog in the picture who looks more like a Bloodhound-German Shepherd mix: loose skin around the eyes and throat with prominent 'eyebrows'. She's also pure white apart from some mottled grey patches on her hindquarters.

As Mao points out the puppy who is to become the partner of Tsume Inuzuka's son, everything slams into place. Akamaru. Of course. The Bloodhound genes explain why Akamaru went all saggy around the eyes and jaw in the Epilogue. Everyone thought he was just getting old, but he was only just coming into his full adult appearance. Good to know, actually; Akamaru's too damn cute to die so soon.

I'm so busy coming to terms with that, that when Toshiki asks about designs, I ask him to get me my drawing pad; the one on my bed. "Just down the hall, right at the end, should be just lying on the bed- wait!"  
Too late. Toshiki scrambles back with a yelp of shock, making everyone jump to their feet. I merely sigh and walk over to the door, poking my head round. "Sorry, Itachi, I wasn't thinking. You want me to introduce you properly?" He shakes his head. "Okay," I shut the door again.

"Why is there an Uchiha in your bedroom?" Toshiki hisses as all the others stare at me incredulously. I shrug. "He crashes here after missions sometimes, and he's pretty good company as well."

"Itachi...Uchiha?" Mao gapes. "You mean the Uchiha Clan Heir?!"

"He just happens to be firstborn of the Uchiha Clan Head, yes," I say as calmly as possible.  
When did I become so...protective of Itachi? It's not about trying to change the future anymore. At least, it is; but not just to save the Uchiha. I don't really care about them, to be honest. I'm not that nice of a person that I automatically want to save someone just because they're going to die, even if they're complete strangers. The coup de tat needed...needs to be stopped anyway. I just want to save the people I've come to care about, even if saving plot-important people comes into that.  
I've actually started to like Itachi as a person, not just an 'awesome, tragic character'. He's witty, frighteningly intelligent and somehow still has a kind heart. That last part; maybe it's just projection, but I want him to keep that part of him, even if I cannot. Moreover, Itachi is weak in that he's still a child. In this society, the legal definition of a child tends to be quite flexible, but time cannot be bent that way. He's still mentally a child, and IQ has nothing to do with that. He doesn't have the self-awareness and self assurance of what his limits are and the ways to enforce them, which is why he got torn between Clan and Village and didn't know how to give his own thoughts on the matter. I do, even if some of my emotions tend to run a little wild still, thanks to my physically younger brain.  
Itachi shouldn't have to be labelled with titles yet, so I'm defending what little emotional freedom he has. If that means hiding him in my bedroom, so be it.

I fix a smirking Torusuke with my dirtiest look. This gay thing is going to be my signature running joke, I just know it. "Don't say it," I threaten.  
"Stashing another boy in your bedroom, then calling him 'good company'?" Erumi snickers. "Not helping your case, Kimimaro." I blanch; damn brain, making me say things.  
"I hate you all," I moan, collapsing onto the sofa beside Yuyu, who sarcastically pats me on the shoulder. "That's it! Erumi, you are now a kleptomaniac. Torusuke, you're a sadist. Toshiki's a pervert and Yuyu is a stalker. If I get a running joke, you all do too." Torusuke shrugs; "Fair's fair." Toshiki blushes red, sputtering incoherently.  
"Pervert!?"

I lean over and pat him on the cheek condescendingly. "Byakugan, mate, Byakugan. Pervy doujutsu, don't even try to deny it." Steam's coming out his ears, I swear to Kami, and his brain seems to have failed him; he's staring blankly at me, garbled sounds of confusing coming from him. Over to the side, Mao looks like he's having a seizure, he's silently laughing so hard.

That's when Juugo whips his head round to look out the window, the alarm at a drastically unfamiliar chakra signature clear on his face, and I ready my bones, shouting "Get down!" Hound and Bear Shunshin in front of me and Itachi rushes in, ANBU gear on. Smoke shrouds a large figure as it bursts into the existence in the centre of the room and I immediately slap down five paper tags. Special seals I designed to disrupt the chakra of any jutsu in their surroundings once activated, based off of chakra-sealing tags. Not finished yet, but whether they work or backfire, should buy some time to get everyone away.

"Well, hello there!" Booms a voice.

Eh?

The smoke clears, to reveal spiky white hair, a horned headband plate and a red haori. "The hermit of Mount Myoboku, the wise and talented Jiraiya the Toad Mountain Sage is here!"

Yuyu claps. Slowly. Projecting deep disapproval and annoyance. It echoes in the silence and Jiraiya visibly wilts as all of us resume what we were doing as if nothing happened, save for myself.  
"I wondered when my request would reach you, Jiraiya-sama," I say calmly, reshuffling my retrieved sealing tags. "A sealing master who is also proficient in controlling Nature chakra is exactly what Juugo needs. You see, I-" A large, heavy, calloused hand ruffles my hair.

"Yes, yes, we'll get to that. But it's you I really came to see, Kaguya -whoah!" I can't help it; nobody. Touches. My. Head. It's my one physical trigger point that drives me nuts. Everyone in this apartment save Mao and Jiraiya know that, some from personal experience, so they're staring, wondering what my reaction will be.  
I don't disappoint.

Sharp-pointed antlers explode from my skull, curving inward and trapping his hand. He withdraws his hand just in time, escaping with only a few lightly bleeding scratches. I hiss like a wildcat, backing away with bone spikes transforming my fingers into neko-te. A second later, I force myself to take a deep breath. "My apologies. I really don't like people touching the crown of my head. And do not presume to act so familiarly with me." The bones sink back into my body and I hear a muttered "still freaks me out how fast that is" from Torusuke.

"Fiesty," Jiraiya mutters, examining his hand. "Sensei didn't mention that. And who're the rest of you brats?"

"Toshiki Huuga." "Erumi Nara." "Torusuke Tonbo." "Yuyu Aburame." They all rattle off.

Jiraiya whistles, as if in awe. "Collecting Clans, are we?" Okay, the condescension is really getting on my nerves now. Bombshell, aim and fire.

"It's not like I'm looking for an Akimichi or a Yamanaka, and it's not like I'm going to come across another Uzumaki anytime soon anyway," I mutter loud enough for most to hear. Jiraiya's face goes startlingly blank, before, he grabs me by the collar and spins us both away in a Shunshin. We both stop, but my feet keep going, and I fall against the trunk of a tree. Ow; rough bark. I seem to spend a lot of time being tossed into, or tied to, trees. Forget the gay thing, this is my actual running joke.

"You said 'another Uzumaki'. Explain. Now."

Oh. Naruto's Godfather. Right.

"Orochimaru's personal hit team of freaks," I explain slowly, making my body language as non-threatening as possible. "One was Tayuya; obvious Uzumaki Heritage. We weren't friends, she was properly brainwashed. I studied old history books and some Uzumaki seals, that's how I know about the Clan, I swear."  
He relaxes somewhat at that, the façade of condescending prat slipping slightly to show genuine interest.

"Fine then kid, show me those tags you're holding, I didn't get a proper look at them before." Now we're getting somewhere. I hand them over and he inspects them carefully.  
"How long did it take you to come up with this?" He asks after a few seconds. This is good, I could get some real tutoring from him rather than just slogging through on my own.

"Can we go back now?" I have to ask. "The other's will be wondering where we've got to and I can show you all my notes if you like."

* * *

 **She's A Lady...**

Thank Hashirama's Bonsai that Konoha is a shinobi Village. Otherwise this would be far more awkward than it already is.

Because my childish emotions got the better of me for a few minutes and I agreed to the terms of a certain bet; the penalty of which I am now paying. Word of advice? Never play Go Fish with Erumi. Or, indeed, any Nara. Because they're all smart enough to count cards, and Erumi is a Master at it, even among them. Itachi also lost, which I think shocked him. But that was nothing compared to his shock when what he'd agreed to for a forfeit sank in.

Unfortunately, we'd actually had the bet witnessed by a neutral third party, which is what shinobi do when they don't want the other(s) to back out with a 'I was drunk off my ass, I didn't mean it'-type excuse. Not that that excuse would have worked in this scenario anyway.

In short, Erumi will be taking Toshiki as her date instead of me. I, meanwhile, will be attending with Itachi as my date. I'm going to be the one in drag.

I'm going to give you a moment to let that process.

It actually isn't as big a deal as my old life would have made it out to be. Like I said, this is a shinobi Village, so disguises or stealth jutsu are the norm. On missions, getting hung up on gender roles or having a sexuality crisis are things nobody has time for. And in general, pretty much any sexual orientation is accepted as long as your chosen partner(s) is SeiHouYuuShou, which is short for Seiketsu, Houteki, Yuunou, Shoufuku. Meaning Clean, Legal, Able and Consenting. Legal age is fifteen here, by the way. Able means that someone hasn't been told to abstain for reasons like disease, pregnancy and other health issues.  
But yeah, crossdressing isn't really a big thing. In fact, it's a mark of pride among shinobi if you can pull it off. Admittedly, past a certain age it's infinitely easier to use Henge(if you're not naturally androgynous), but until then, you can do it with makeup and sufficient acting.

I'm just bothered about the fact that the others are going to have way too much fun dressing me up. Curse my long hair and pale skin. At least I convinced Erumi to wear a fake wound as part of her get-up. Those are really fun to do, as long as you don't mind the blood.

* * *

"Hol' s'ill," I grunt through the makeup brush held in my teeth as I carefully apply a mix of glue, red dye and real blood(mine, willingly given) to the fake gash on Erumi's cheek. Good old latex and tissue paper, you never fail. I wince at a tug on my hair.  
"Try not to move your head," Toshiki says as he hands another hairclip to Yuyu, whose doing my hair into some sort of cornrows-type thing. Plus, it's dyed a dull brownish-red, because white hair sticks out like a sore thumb. They also made me wash it with girl shampoo from a civilian store for 'extra authenticity'. Bastards.  
I also have bandages wrapped around my stomach to compensate for the slight difference in waist width that a girl would have to a boy. At least the makeup to cover up my markings and scars is barely noticeable. Erumi also did something with make up to create the subtle illusion that makes my face looks like it still has some baby fat. Over the long-sleeved top, add a loose jumper that hangs past the waist to disguise any noticeable bumps and loose hakama trousers, and there's my look completed.

Thankfully, Erumi didn't inherit the typical Nara sleepy-eyelids, and once you take her hair out of the classic ponytail, there's already a difference. She doesn't need nearly as many alterations as I did, just softening her hair with some sort of watery stuff so it goes all wavy and shiny before pinning it back to hang loose. Once I've finished this fake gash, I'll tape a piece of gauze over it so the discrepancies between the lips of the cut and her actual face aren't as noticeable. Also, nobody would go anywhere social with an open, untreated wound on their face. Particularly an Academy student, what with parents and all.

Finally, we're done.

Itachi's dropping by to meet us in a few minutes, so it's just the last minute rush of flinging stuff in the bin and the sink. Hound is carrying a pocket camera; I am resigned.

Erumi's dad turns up as well as Itachi, who also turned up with Shisui. Both Erumi's dad and Shisui are carrying cameras too, though Shisui did take pictures of Itachi's double-take when he realised who I was.  
"You look...pretty," Itachi says after a moments thought, clearly trying to be diplomatic.

Finally! Someone who called me...wait. "Pretty as in girly-looking-boy, or pretty as in nice-looking-girl?" I ask suspiciously. "The latter," is the prompt reply and I can tell now he's being honest. It's kind of adorable, really. Shisui seems to concur, though apparently for 'such a cute couple' reasons than 'my baby cousin is embarrassed' ones, and gleefully snaps ten more photos. He is waaay too excited about this, but then again, when's the last time Itachi's gone to a party? That question really needs an answer, despite how much I'm sure my guess is mostly accurate.

Erumi's dad having to check her cheek-wound is very gratifying though. I used my own blood, because blood has a very particular scent that's incredibly hard to recreate, so a bloodless scent to a wound is a real giveaway.  
Erumi's dad seems to have an...unusual...style of parenting. I say style, I'm more referring to the attitude towards Erumi he displays in this short chat. Clearly he recognises that she's independent and not entirely defenceless, but it has an undercurrent that feels more like favourite-uncle or responsible-older-cousin than parental. Huh. Weird.

* * *

The party proper is in a place I recognise. Rock Lee vs Sasuke during the Chunin Exams, basically. Instructors wander through the throng with clipboards, marking down comments and every so often flaring their chakra just in case someone tries Henge or genjutsu. Every so often, they engage the partygoers on short pleasantries, to try and test them further.  
Many of the older ones recognise Itachi, and of course are curious about the 'girl' he's with. I think at least one of them has realised I'm not an Infiltration student, if not who I am, but is keeping quiet. Presumably to see if the other Instructors can come to the same conclusions.

Drinks and light finger-food is served, and a few kids' makeup use is given away by smeared lips as a result of not being careful while eating. That, or overuse of makeup.

Toshiki wanders over after a while, grinning like the Cheshire Cat at the sight of Itachi trying to avoid all the fangirls he'd thought he'd escaped via early graduation by sticking close to me. Unfortunately, the Instructors and older students, most noticeably the girls, think it's adorable; my shipper-sense is going off as we speak.  
"How's the party? Anyone figure you out yet? " Toshiki asks amiably.

"A few Instructors have figured out I'm crossdressing, and that I'm not Infiltration, but I don't think they know my identity," I relate. "Erumi seems to be attracting quite the circle over there." She's flouncing and preening like the Pretty Girls, relishing the deception, and is holding court over a few who seem to be in awe of her ability to be both cute and intelligent. Toshiki grimaces ever so slightly.  
"They think my eyes are creepy. I...I'm not really used to that. Then they started talking over me like I wasn't even there. I've been loitering round the food table since then."

Ouch. Admittedly, the Byakugan is a little disconcerting, but eyes aren't everything about body language. And why didn't Erumi say something? She doesn't take shit like that about, or from, anybody. That reminds me...

"Look," I wince. "I know I call the Byakugan a pervy doujutsu, and it kind of is in a way, but I know you're more than just a Kekkei Genkai. Nobody should be just ignored like that."  
"It's Stupid. Never underestimate an opponent," Itachi contributes, happy being on the side-lines in this conversation. He kind of used up his Social Conversation Quota earlier when I saved him from fangirls by drawing him into a nerdy conversation about context and themes in current literature.

Toshiki shrugs self-deprecatingly. "It's okay, I mean, I'm not the most interesting person and I don't fit in most other places anyway, so it's no big deal." Ooh, really feeling the self-recrimination here; he's hurt, but I'm more worried about the blaming-himself part. I'm going to be having serious words with Erumi in the near future and she'd better have a damn good explanation. I'll give the other girls a chance too make up for it, but otherwise, I don't really care if they don't like me after today.

"This is a bad idea," Itachi comments, side-eyeing me with his 'you are planning something stupid' look.

"If you want to establish an alibi, then go and find someone else to talk to. I'm only going to confront some vapid pre-teens in an attempt to dismantle their herd mentality, so if you don't want any of the spotlight that's fine Itachi," I snap, maybe a little harshly. But I'm already towing Toshiki across the room, plastering on my best smile.

"Erumi-cha~n," I say sweetly. "Enjoying the party? Oh, won't you introduce me to your friends?"

One of them does a truly spectacular hair flip, and from her general demeanour, I hate her already. "And who are you? I see the Hyuuga's following you around like a puppy on a leash." There's a flicker of gut-hate towards Hair Flip in Erumi's eyes too; so she is pretending to like them, but shouldn't she know when to draw the line? Or use her new influence to reign them in?

"I'm Kimi," I say, ignoring the slight for now. That shortening my name gives it a female ending works to my advantage. "And this is my friend Toshiki. Hey, Erumi? I just wanted to ask if you wanted to talk to Itachi and me like you said you would."  
"Did you want me to get you anything from the drinks table Erumi?" Toshiki asks, a bit more confidant now.

"Oh. My. Kami." Another girl, Fake Blonde, gasps exaggeratedly. "You came with _The_ Itachi Uchiha? Erumi, you didn't say you had arranged to meet up with that cutie!"  
Bad word choice; ick. Also, ew?! Itachi's eleven for crying out loud, and you're the same age. I know girls mature faster than boys, but taking about romance already...I have no words. Erumi looks vaguely sick as well.

"Whatever," another one, I'm calling this one Stupid Earrings, rolls her eyes as she checks her hair in a pocket mirror. "Hyuuga, since you're getting drinks, get me a cup of the lemonade." I grip Toshiki's upper arm hard so he doesn't go and do as she says.

"I don't think so," I smile, brittle and icy. I fix Erumi with a pointed 'make this right, now' stare. "He only offered to Erumi. Well, do you want anything? You know, you could at least show some damn interest in your fellow human beings. It's wrong to treat people like dumb animals, after all." My words are aimed at Erumi mainly, but also the Pretty Girl trio. It looks like Erumi got the point, but before she can open her mouth, Hair Flip speaks.

"Well! It's not our fault he was born with a bloodline that makes him both look freaky and the ultimate sneak. Why should we talk to him when all he can do is stare? It's creepy, y'know?" Toshiki is standing. Right. Here. Those two sentences cut deep, I can see it. I can also see Erumi's blood coming to a boil now. But wait! There's more! Fake Blonde starts up, at me this time.

"You know, I don't get why Itachi Uchiha of all people would agree be your date. I mean, it's not like you've got anything going for you-"

"Unless you count intelligent conversation," I retort, interrupting her. This has the effect of all three of them going into full on bitch-mode, circling like snapping hyenas.

"-ugly little tomboy-"  
"-so pathetic-"  
"-creep lover-"

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Itachi's eyes darken and he takes a step towards us. I discretely shake my head, signalling that he should stand down, I got this. Because, really? These are the best insults they can come up with? Hehe, 'tomboy'...oh, I am going to treasure their faces when they realize it. Even Toshiki is laughing internally at the Dramatic Irony, and Erumi is smirking too.

"Ladies, ladies," I placate. "You don't need to insult me, I was already pissed at you for your attitudes, so you don't need to prove that you're whingey little gnats any further."

They gape, aghast at what I'm saying. I surreptitiously slip Erumi the jar of red blood-mix I used to create her fake wound, that I had sealed into my arm just in case I needed to touch it up later. Luckily, I judged the mischievous glint of revenge in her eyes correctly, and she catches on quickly.

"Itachi just came here as my date as a friend," I continue. "To get to the point, I was going to get you to apologize to Toshiki, but it's not like your opinions are worth anything." Toshiki is snickering at their expressions, and Itachi's eyes have creased slightly in humour from where he's drawn closer in order to keep track of the situation. Erumi undoes the lid of the jar with one hand, spilling a little of the red onto her fingers and palms.

"Oh, and you seem to be labouring under the mistaken impression that I am a girl. I think I pull it off quite well, don't you?" You can see there brains grind to a halt, and Itachi is already preserving the memory via Sharingan. Before they can gather themselves together enough to react, Erumi claps her hands on the shoulders of Fake Blonde and Hair Flip. 'Blood'-covered hands.  
"This conversation is over girls. You are going to go home and rethink your lives." Ooh, accidental quote right there, too bad they weren't trying to sell me a drug.

Stupid Earrings notices the red dripping down the shoulder's of her cohorts and squeals like a stuck pig, drawing the others' attention and they squeal too. Dear kami, they've got some lungs on them. Two Instructors home in on us, the woman slapping the girls round the faces to break them out of their hysterics, before marching them off somewhere, presumably to have a quick chat about manners and to get them cleaned up. The man, an Uchiha, surprisingly, squints hard at me before nodding approvingly.

"Huh, nice one. Wrappings around the waist, nice; not many remember that," he compliments curtly, before nodding politely to Itachi. "Itachi-sama. May I see the, ah, mixture?" Erumi hands over the jar. "Colour's just a shade off, but how did you get the smell?"

I wave my hand so he can see the healing slash on the pad of my little finger. "Real blood," I confirm. He nods.  
"I, uh, had best see where Yabe-sensei has got with those girls. Good night, Itachi-sama." He disappears into the crowd.

"Well, this was the most awkward night of my life so far," Toshiki chirps. "Hey, Itachi-san, did I see you coming to Kimi-chan's defence just then?"

For Itachi, that expression is the equivalent of a good-natured scowl. "I didn't have to. Kimimaro was perfectly capable."

I find myself actually having to facepalm. "Guys...can we at least wait until we've all hit puberty before we start shipping each other? This is starting to wear thin right now." Toshiki immediately backs down, grin becoming a little less hyper.  
"Sorry. I'm off to find somewhere to sit down, my foot's playing up again." He limps away.

"His foot is getting worse," Itachi observes under his breath, and I nod in agreement; "Yeah, he's going to need to expand his repertoire of attacks if his grades in class are going to improve. At least it's not his back, there's that comfort. Do you think you can find any leads on what he might have and whether it's correctable?"

"Hm." That's a yes then.  
I lean over and snake my arm around Erumi's shoulders, wearing my creepiest 'Cheshire cat' smile. "You're going to apologize to Toshiki tomorrow," I sing-song in a saccharinely calm way. "I know you helped get rid of those girls, but you shouldn't have sided with them against Toshiki when they insulted him."

She eyes me indignantly, trying to lean away from me. "The whole point of this party is to Infiltrate; I was doing just that. So what if he couldn't get his head around that?"

I lean my head on her shoulder. "You used your skills to get their respect, I get it. Why didn't you use that respect to reign them in, get them to stop? He knows you didn't like them, but he doesn't get why you would let them say those things; you need to apologise."

Her mouth widened into an 'oh' as realisation dawned, before she went pensive as she realised exactly _how_ bad she had messed up. "I screwed up, didn't I?" She muttered dejectedly to herself, before running off in search of him.

That leaves me standing next to Itachi. "Life gets more interesting by the day, doesn't it?" I muse. "Want to get something from the food table?"

* * *

 **Flare**

"That," Itachi said carefully and slowly. "Should not have happened."  
We both stared at the blackened piece of ground where the chakra paper had fallen and vanished. By which, I mean exploded.  
"It's probably your fault somehow, Kimimaro."

" _How_ is this my fault, exactly?!"

"Because reality was fine before you walked into it! Why did it explode like an Exploding Tag?!"

"Hey, it had nothing drawn on it, and that's the bit that goes boom. This is just plain, ordinary chakra paper; it's a completely neutral substance with nothing in it that would create the required feedback loop for a-" Kimimaro cut himself off suddenly, a stunned look on his face. "Why did I...did I give you some of my chakra? I'm missing a little bit."

"I would never steal your chakra and anyway, I don't know how," Itachi huffed. "You can't just... _exchange_ chakra with a touch. It has to be filtered in some way, otherwise the opposing Natures would-" It was his turn to cut himself off, as they both arrived at the same conclusion.

"You're Earth and Yang," Itachi muttered, deep in thought as his mind raced.

"You're Fire and Yin."

"Complete opposites."

"But I never touched the paper," Kimimaro protested absentmindedly.

"You put your hand on my shoulder."

Kimimaro perked up at a sudden idea. "You can see chakra to some extent with the Sharingan, right?"

An answering sigh. "Fine, we'll do it again. But you hold the paper this time."

Taking the square of paper, Kimimaro waited for Itachi to put a hand on his shoulder and activate his Sharingan, before channelling a smidge of chakra. Then promptly dropped it, for it to go off like a small firecracker and make the scorched tussock of grass a bit bigger.

"You aren't stealing my chakra," Itachi summarised. "It's like mine is just following the flow of yours, but only when you're actively channelling it raw, while we're physically touching. But this sort of attraction makes no sense!"

"Man, that's weird," Kimimaro agreed, staring intently at the black mark as if trying to telekinetically reform the particles back into paper."

"It's probably still your fault, though."

"Oi!"

* * *

"YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!" Kimimaro screeched excitedly two hours later, slamming a large book the size of his torso down on the table with a hefty _SMACK_.

"Somehow I think I'm going to, once I get over the initial shock," Itachi sighed. "Right, what's the short version? Then give me the details."

"Our Spiritual Energies are metaphysically bound. Congrats, we're soulbrothers."

 _thunk_

Itachi's forehead impacted the table. "What in the actual flying flea-bitten fox-fuck?" Came his muffled groan, before he lifted his head, a reddish bruise between his eyebrows. " _How?_ "

The slightly panicky edge to Kimimaro's wide grin brings him back down to earth and full rationality just as the explanation starts.

"Officially, it's called Resonation. Trauma unbalances the stability your mindset, the Spiritual Energy of which you need to generate chakra. If two traumatized people rebuild their mindsets around each other, further contact with each other stabilizes their respective chakras. So they kind of stick to each other, but don't merge? Like two magnets? And there's a bunch of other stuff about it, like-"

"Trauma." Itachi said flatly.

"Uh, yeah."

He took a deep, deep breath. "I understand the theory," he began slowly. "But I was not traumatized when we met, nor have we rebuilt our lives around each other."

"'Tachi, you have no meaningful communication with your family and even less physical and/or emotional affection. That counts as trauma. And now a good portion of your routine, especially to destress, revolves around interacting with me.  
And after I got to Konoha and safety, I'd fulfilled the majority of my promise to Juugo and didn't really have a day-to-day purpose; until helping you."

It's exceedingly childish, yes, but Itachi felt that jamming his fingers in his ears was appropriate. "Lalalalalalala, NOT LISTENING!"

"DENIAL IS NOT HEALTHY, DAMMIT!" Kimimaro yelled, shaking the hefty tome at him in a vaguely threatening manner.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF HOW WRONG YOU ARE!"

"DON'T BE SCARED, NII-SAN!"

That makes him unplug his ears. "What?"

Kimimaro sinks back onto a chair, clutching the book to his chest. "I...I care about you Itachi. I want to protect you. And I guess I'm only really using this Resonation thing as an excuse, but...I've never had a brother before. And if this is what it's like...I kind of like it. Sorry, I know you've already got Sasuke, and Shisui, but still...'"

"Soulbrothers, huh?" Itachi murmured quietly, rubbing the bruise on his forehead. "Only you. Only you would find a way to make the power of brotherhood explode things."

"What?"

"I said,...I guess you'll need someone to keep you company while you break reality. That, and I'd rather stand next to you than in your way."

"...I am very conflicted on how to feel about those remarks."

* * *

 _ **Next Time:**_

 **Hammered:  
** "You really have no idea what you're doing, do you?"

 **The Letter:  
** "They like it. They like it!"

 **As always, read, enjoy, review what you think will happen next.**


	11. Probation: Hammered & The Letter

**So, at least one person thinks that Itachi and Kimimaro go well together? Huh. Just remember that they're only (mentally mature)kids, and I did say in one chapter AN that this won't be yaoi. So this is just going to stay a weird cuddly bromance, don't get your hopes up. For further clarification, I have a section at the bottom of my profile that details how I write romances.**

 ** _Probation Month No.8_**

 **Hammered**

"Why~"

*Thunk*

"Why~"

*Thunk*

ANBU Bear cautiously approached the half-assembled cupboard from which the groaning and thumping of skull against wood was emanating. "Are...you okay?"

"...yes?"

Bear sat down on the kitchen floor. From this angle he could now see the curled-up form of Kimimaro, head resting against the hard wood, brow sweaty with frustration and red from the banging. "Are you...going to come out?" Bear asked gently.

"I know five different ways to kill someone untraceabley given enough time and preparation, I can recite chakra theory and apply it, I can craft complex seal matrices from imagination, but I can't put up a flat-pack cupboard. Leave me to my misery, Bear."

Bear was lost for words. Nowhere had his training covered the event of genius Kekkei Genkai prodigies secreting themselves in cupboards in a snit of mild self-inferiority. What would Kakashi-senpai do? Wait, maybe he wasn't the best example for this situation. What would Yugao-san do? No, wait, maybe there was too much difference. What would Itachi-san do? Oh, that was better, since the two were friends. So, what would Itachi-san do?

"Would you like to do something else and come back to it later?" Bear asked meekly, unsure of the response. There was an audible huff, a sniffle, and Kimimaro leaned forward to poke his head around the side of the gap. "Okay...but you're doing it with me."

At least Kimimaro's idea of an escapist hobby was cooking, not something bizarre like running around in bright green shouting about youth, Bear thought in relief. Before he could even wander in the direction of the counter though, Kimimaro waved him over to the sink. "Wash your hands. Properly. You'll need to take your gloves off and you may want to take your arm-guards and roll your sleeves up as well; flour gets everywhere."

As Bear dutifully dried his hands and stripped his arm-guards and sleeves off, Kimimaro washed his own hands after pulling out a carton of eggs and a large bag of bread flour along with some weighing scales, a large mixing bowl and a wooden spoon.

"What are we even making?" Bear asked.

Kimimaro hesitated. "It's...best way to describe it is a kind of noodle dough. Except your suppose to make it into little short shapes instead of, well, noodles. It's called _pasta_."

The word was odd, and clipped in pronunciation. Sounded archaic, or dialect-specific. "Pa-su-ta? No, passta, is that right?"

"Yeah, just with a slightly shorter 's' sound. Pasta's great if you're living on a budget like Juugo and I. You only need to boil it, it goes with anything savoury, you can store it dry for years, you can reheat it...it's really useful. And tasty." He weighed out 600grams of the flour and poured it into the bowl. With sharp movements, he cracked six eggs in as well.

"It's really just eggs and flour?" Bear asked incredulously. Normal ramen noodles had at least five ingredients, he knew that much. "Where did you learn how to make it if nobody else knows about it?"

There was an odd, awkward silence as Kimimaro visibly hesitated, and they busied themselves with mixing the egg and flour.

"I don't really remember, it's gone all fuzzy," Kimimaro said suddenly out of nowhere, a note of anxiety in his voice. "But I do remember how to speak and write the language, I have that."  
Behind the mask, Bear's jaw dropped. "You can speak two...those symbols in the scroll holding the Kaguya library...we thought they were just some cipher you designed. But it was just a language only you knew how to read, wasn't it?"

 _"Yes."_ Kimimaro smiled shyly. "That's 'yes', by the way." He began to knead the crumbly substance in the bowl. By the time Bear managed to collect his thoughts it had begun to resemble a dough. "This needs to go in the fridge for half an hour," Kimimaro said as he wrapped the mass in plastic film and duly shoved it in the fridge. "So you can ask all the questions you want now."

"Can you say something else in that language; something simple, like, uh, 'my name is Bear'?"

"That would be _'my name is Bear'._ "

"How many characters are there?"

Kimimaro frowned at that. "Well, it's not based on pictures for individual words like katakana. Instead, each character is a single sound, and you mix and match them to create the sound of the word you want. You can also combine a few to make different sounds and there's rules about how the placement of how certain ones affects the others around them.  
In short, if you exclude the combinations, numbers and punctuation marks, there's twenty-six characters, or letters. Each letter has a capital form if you're designating importance to a word, so technically there's fifty-two characters, but most of the time the forms aren't too different.

Bear's jaw dropped again. "Only fifty-two?"

"Yes, but there's a shit-ton of rules just for the spellings, never mind the grammar," Kimimaro groaned. "Then there's contractions, slang, and all the homophones, homonyms and so on. It's really complex. But there's lots and lots of swear-words to ease the process of learning."

"When were you planning to reveal all of this?" Bear asked, serious now.

Kimimaro threw his hands in the air in frustration. "Um, just now? Would it have made any difference? I've always stuck to this language and I haven't omitted anything. I'm sure someone would find studying the rules of a new language extremely interesting, but it's not really applicable!  
I did tell Itachi though and he's nearly mastered the writing thanks to his damn Sharingan. He's still working on pronunciation and word order though."

Bear's masked face hit the table with an audible 'thunk'. "Just when everyone thinks they've got you all figured out, you pull something new out of your ass," he moaned. "How are you this hard to understand?!"

"Now you now how I feel about that bloody cupboard."

* * *

"I don't know about this," Shisui muttered awkwardly to Itachi. "I mean, we know each other, but we don't _know_ know each other. He has no reason to invite me for dinner. Are you sure my clothes aren't too informal?"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "It's _fine_ Shisui, Kimimaro isn't one for standing on ceremony, he won't even notice your clothes. And for the record? He asked me to invite Sasuke, but Otou-sama objected. You're second-best."

"You're far too bloody sarky for your own good these days, cousin," grumbled Shisui. "Granted, it's nice to see you more relaxed, but now you can obliterate your fangirls at fifty places with one blow of your tongue, and them not realize it for five whole seconds!"

"That was a _good_ day."

"You _frighten_ me, baby cousin, you really do."

Itachi pressed the doorbell and the door opened a few seconds later. Itachi's and Kaguya's immediate response to seeing each other was to hug, properly, causing Shisui's brain promptly dissolved into internal hysteria. Mainly consisting of _'Itachi is actually hugging someone of his own free will!'_ , _'I didn't know they trusted each other that much!'_ and _'Dear Amaterasu, these kids are fucking adorable!'_.

Shisui barely registered being dragged down the hallway and sat on a sofa, but when his brain kicked back into gear, it nearly checked out again at the sight of two ANBU calmly sitting opposite, drinking tea like this happened every day. Not just any ANBU!  
Kakashi, My-issues-have-issues, Hatake!  
And mysterious ex-Root specialist and Hatake's precious kohai Tenzou!

What parallel universe had he stumbled into?!

"It's okay. He has that effect sometimes," a voice said sympathetically. Shisui glanced up at the orange-haired teen who was the weird shape-shifter, Juugo, wasn't it?  
"What effect?" He mumbled, taking the proffered steaming beverage.

"You think you've got him all figured out, then he pulls something new out of his ass," Tenzou, no, ANBU Bear at the moment, chipped in somewhat numbly. "And that's not the worst of it."

Shisui took a deep swig of his drink, relishing the quick kick of caffeine despite the burning temperature. "What?"

"I asked if he was always carefully calculating things to throw everyone off their guard with what he says," Hatake...Hound said, sounding completely at ease, being the chaos-loving bastard he was. "He gave me this odd look like I'd just spoken gibberish and then I realised. So I asked, and I quote, 'You actually have no idea what you're doing, do you?'"

"Then he laughed," Juugo picked up the tale now. "And said 'no, I'm just trying to enjoy myself. But it usually ends up being funny.'"

Shisui only just now realised who was missing. "Where's Itachi and Kimimaro?"

"Our little distributor of chaos and his eager enabler are currently preparing our dinner," Hound said dryly, with a hint of amusement. "I just hope they don't bring out something weird over dinner like last time."

"I shall never look at apple juice the same way again," Juugo said, both he and Bear shuddering at the memory.

Shisui feared for his own sanity...what was left of it, any way.

* * *

 **The Letter**

"Are you absolutely sure you're fine?" Itachi asks, looking concerned.

"Yes, yes," I roll my eyes, ignoring the pounding chuu-daiko drums in my skull. "Just a headache and a stuffy nose. Look what I got!" I wave the publisher's letter under his nose and his eyes light up.

"Follow me," he says, "my room's this way."

The house is pretty old and very traditional, as the abundance of paper walls and doors attested. Unerringly, Itachi leads me through the corridors of his house, until we reach proper wooden walls and a more conventional hinged door.

Despite the regimented and austere layout, the room is still very much Itachi's in his own way. The bedspread is of cheap make, unlike the pillows and what I can see of one rumpled corner of the duvet sticking out, but well-worn with love and a soft grey-purple dappled with lint from too many washes. A wedge of notepaper is hastily stuffed between the pages of a geography book on the bedside table. A small, crudely-carved wooden bird sits next to it. The small box TV on top of the chest of draws across the room has a thin sheen of dust and is unplugged, unlike the small radio next to it. The alarm clock has a little bit of sticky tape holding the battery hatch on.

I find myself standing awkwardly in the middle of the room like a lemon until Itachi looks at me oddly. "Aren't you going to sit down on the bed?"

"Well, no, you haven't invited me to do so," I explain hesitantly. "This is your space, your bed especially so, and I'm not going to presume anything."

"But...you let me crash on your bed all the time...you said I didn't even have to ask...'"

"Yeah...and?"

Itachi takes a deep breath and rapidly blinks suspiciously shiny eyes before saying "You can sit down anywhere you like."

I ignore his sudden outburst of emotion, since he obviously doesn't want me to see it, and sit down on the edge of the bed. "Yeah, so look! Gintonbo Publishing House got back to us. I thought we could open it together!" Okay, so I gush a little bit; but being a published author is a dream left over from my previous life. Itachi sits next to me and suddenly I'm nervous. What if it failed epically?

Itachi senses my abrupt anxiety. "Just open it quick and get it over with," he suggests.

I take a deep breath and slit open the envelope with a thin sliver of bone from my finger. Another deep breath lets me remove and unfold the sheet of paper inside. I scan through all the greeting stuff no problem, but it takes a few seconds to process the meaning of the rest of the wording.

A broad grin scrawls itself across my face. "They like it. They like it!"

Itachi snatches the paper off of me to read it for himself, and he smiles as well. "I knew it," is his only verbal celebration, but that isn't enough. I snatch him in a hug and whirl him around, and I soon get him to indulge in a shy cheer to counterpoint my own, much louder, laughter.

"I...you should read the rest," he said eventually, pushing the paper back into my hand. Bemused at what else they could want, I read the whole thing this time.

"'Permission needed to run the illustrations you provided, or to send to potential artists...' what are they talking about, we didn't send any drawings?"

Itachi coughs sheepishly. "I may have copied some of your character and scene sketches and slipped them in the envelope when I posted the manuscript. Sorry, I know you said they were just rough ones, but I thought they were really good."

I punch him lightly on the shoulder. "I'm not mad, you dummy. If you'd just told me you thought I could illustrate it, I'd have done better drawings to send."  
He relaxes, before his eyes are suddenly fixed on my face, his mouth thin with worry. "You've gone really, _really_ pale," he says calmly.

What is he on about, it's only a headache...oh.

A fresh tsunami of pain rolls over my brain and the room sways alarmingly. I sit down immediately. "Itachi?" I call, my voice sounding far away and tinny. "I don't feel very well...should probably...get Inoichi-" Why _hello_ , black abyss rushing up towards me.

* * *

"Shisui?" Inoichi blinked as the familiar chakra signature made itself known within the swirl of leaves and paper. "What's the problem?"

"Kimimaro," Shisui gasped. "Collapsed, sick. Went berserker. Itachi's watching him. You need to come!"

Inoichi immediately stood, pulling on his coat. "Lead the way."

Only half a minute later, they stood at the gates of the Uchiha Compound, urgency having given them wings. Shisui waved them through the gates, his presence a sufficient pass for the Yamanaka Clan Head and the two ANBU hot on their heels.

The door to Itachi's room was open, but the lights were off. Meaning all the light there was, was the sunlight from the window. Itachi sat upright on the bed, a shivering form cradled in his lap. "He's burning up and drifting in and out of lucidity," Itachi murmured quietly as they approached. "Otou-sama tried to get him into another room, but he just went wild. He won't even let me leave."

"Fever then. Sensitivity to light and mental confusion isn't good." Inoichi muttered. "We need to get him to the hospital, _now_."

He stepped forward, only to freeze as a feral snarl erupted, head raising for two blank eyes to glint in the dim light. A shift of weight. But Itachi threw his arms around Kimimaro's shoulders even as spurs and spikes erupted from flesh and he tried to lunge forward.  
"No; it's fine! He's not here to hurt us!"

A pause, and a shiver, before Kimimaro let out a low groan and buried his face back into Itachi's ribs.

With Itachi's hand resting comfortingly on Kimimaro's neck, Inoichi thought he could just about pick out a glow of raw chakra at the point of contact.

"Itachi-kun, do you think he'd stay calm if you accompanied him?" There was a momentary pause as Itachi weighed the options, then; "yes."

* * *

"At least we can put it as a definite on the berserker genes," the medic-nin muttered as he stripped off his rubber gloves and dumped them in the bin. "Fevers tend to go right for the mental confusions symptom with those types of shinobi for some reason. That's why we keep the specialised sedatives."

"But how did he get it and is it contagious?" Inoichi asked from where he sat on the(uncomfortable plastic) waiting room chair.

"A simple case of bad luck, resulting in an extremely bad case of Acute Sinusitis," was the answering sigh as the medic picked up a pen and started rapidly scribbling down his report. "Remember that nasty cold that was going around about a week and a half ago? He got it, didn't he?"

"Not really," Itachi confessed. "Well, he got it. But it was just a blocked nose and complaints of a slimy throat; not the coughing and discharge everyone else got."

"Still counts," the medic gestured idly. "So, basic viral infection, no big deal. Except, from what you just said, the discharge didn't flush properly, something got blocked. But his airways are clear, it all seems over. Then all that muck stuck in his sinus cavities starts breeding bacteria, infects all that delicate tissue and you can't flush it out. Headaches, bit of tenderness around the eyes and nose, fatigue, then the fever kicks in.  
Not contagious. Well, you all might want to wash your hands thoroughly and regularly for the next few days. But there's low risk of infection unless he sneezes on you or something. Now, he needs rest, lots of fluids, and I can prescribe some antibiotics. And the Dispensary downstairs will get you some herbal oil for vapour therapy. I'll just file this."

The door closed behind him.

The silence in the room thickened.

"Itachi-kun." It was broken by Inoichi's questioning tone. "Do you know why Shisui came to me, and didn't simply take Kimimaro to the hospital?"

"I don't think Kimimaro would have gone with him, Yamanaka-san. Like I said, Otou-sama tried to get him out of my room, away from me and Sasuke, I think. But..." a hesitant swallow. "Kimimaro's always so careful in how he talks, acts. Like this...I think he only recognised me, but he didn't hear my words. He was just this big ball of hurt and fear. Shisui didn't know what to do either.

Just before he initially collapsed, he said to get you. I don't know why you, but Shisui went to get you. I don't know why he didn't ask for you two," Itachi nodded at Hound and Bear in acknowledgement, "since you were just outside the Compound walls."

"Well, his fever broke, so it's just a matter of time before he wakes up and we can ask him. What was the piece of correspondence he was so eager to show you, anyway?"

"Our story manuscript was accepted by the Publisher."

A slight smile graced Inoichi's countenance. "Well, let me be the first to congratulate you two. In the interests of security though, will you be using your real names, or pen names?"

Itachi took a moment to shake out a crick in his shoulder. "As far as the Publisher is concerned, the manuscript was written by Kama Uchiha and Mikimaru Yaguka." Inoichi visibly paused, mouthed the names, then abruptly covered his face with his hand.  
"That boy has no imagination with codes and ciphers. At least he gave a gender-neutral name. But really, _Kama_? Mythology, much?"

* * *

"Yeesss! Not going to the Academy!"

Itachi punched him lightly on the shoulder. "I was worried about you!"

Kimimaro clutched his shoulder and moaned overdramatically. "You hit me! I thought I was your friend!" He hammed.

"He's back to normal," Hound said dryly. "Come on, vapour therapy."

"Uuuuhhh, _fine._ Sure, let's go steam-boil my face for an hour."

* * *

 _ **Next Time:**_

 **The Eyes Have It**

"Of course I know what it is! I'm not stupid or lazy."

 **The Plan**

"We can't keep avoiding this forever, Itachi."

 **As always, read, enjoy and review what you think will happen next time.**


	12. Probation: The Eyes Have It & The Plan

**In which arguments kind of solve everything. Or not, as the case may be.**

 **Like I said, endgame for Itachi and Kimimaro is Weird Cuddly Bromance. As in, 'everyone thinks we're a couple but we're not and we can't be bothered to correct them'.**

 **This chapter just refused to be written. This was dragged out with writer's-block tension comparable to pulling out a molar. And RL deadlines suck, especially when there's three at once to work on.**

 **Warnings for a brief non-graphic discussion of sex and sexuality.**

 **EDIT: Section The Plan altered to match with edited chapter 10. Which led to Itachi working out some issues.**

* * *

 ** _Probation Month No.9_**

 **The Eyes Have It**

"Of course I know what it is! I'm not stupid or lazy."

Erumi turned to Yuyu. "Are we going to ignore the fact that Toshiki just threw a frying pan at Kimimaro's head?"  
"It was a wok."  
"I'll take that as a yes."

Luckily, Kimimaro had managed to dodge the large metal projectile due to well-trained speed and the use of a heavy medical book as an impromptu shield. After a few seconds, it became obvious that the outburst was over and Kimimaro cautiously lowered the book to see Toshiki glaring at the volume as though it had purposefully offended him. Until it suddenly dawned on him what he had just done.  
"Oh Kami, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"How the hell do you even throw a wok that well?" Kimimaro demanded faintly. "It's not exactly a standard shape so...YOU THREW IT AT ME! What the hell?!"

"Look, I didn't ask you to discover what's wrong with me!"

Kimimaro suddenly shot his gaze to Yuyu, backing away from Toshiki and shielding himself with the book again. "Please stop being all ominous and scary, Aburame-chan, just go ahead and speak already."  
With a pleased huff, she stepped forward and up to Toshiki, flicking him sharply on the ear and making him squawk.

"Idiotic, Hyuuga. He was trying to be kind. _You_ said no masks, so why do you hide and refuse our help?"

"Because, it's my responsibility!"

To the surprise of everyone, it was Erumi who snapped; grabbing him by the collar until they were nose to nose, Toshiki's already prominent eyes wide with shock. "NO IT ISN'T! You didn't ask to be born the way you are, Hell, none of us did and there's good and bad points to what each of us are. It was _not_ your _responsibility!_ Life is about using what you've got and advancing no matter what! But if you're sticking yourself in a dead-end, you ask for help, dumbass."

"But as a Main House-"

"Yes, yes; Clan expectations and stereotypes, yadda yadda yadda, utter loathing. Well, doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different result is the definition of insanity, so for the love of Kami, stop trying to learn Gentle Fist. It's not healthy for you, obviously, since you have...what was it again?"

"Tarsal coalition," Kimimaro piped up dutifully from where he was standing to the side with Yuyu.

"Right. So find something different than Taijutsu, Toshiki. Hell, the Byakugan lets you see far, so something long-range?"

"You are very good at chakra strings," Yuyu said glibly.

"There are some long-range ninja weapons, not just kunai and shuriken," Kimimaro muttered, leafing through the book. "Given how well you threw my wok, I doubt you'll need much adjustment."

What followed was a rather impressive piece of instinctive one-man mime theatre, as Toshiki sank to his knees and his face creased through a variety of different emotions, including despair, frustration and anger, while he haphazardly gestured almost frantically.  
"Can't you fix my foot?" He pleaded, exasperated, after his performance. Kimimaro looked at him, before slumping to the floor too so that they were level.

"Sorry, it's just my own bones. Maybe someday I'll learn to affect others' bones, if it's even possible, but even then I couldn't do anything about the ligaments or cartilage. But like we said, we're all willing to find some way for you to still fight. Hm?" He glanced up at Yuyu, who was staring down at him, silently. However, he seemed to understand her regardless. "Oh, yeah, and it'll be an advantage on the battlefield for you. I mean, anyone with a brain avoids close-combat with a Hyuuga, but for you that wouldn't be a problem and you'd have the element of surprise. Imagine the shocked faces."

Toshiki managed to snort out a hiccupped laugh. "Yeah, yeah that would be kind of funny. But what the hell am I going to use? It's not like I can knit someone to death."

"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot you knitted," Kimimaro mumbled distractedly.

"There is always Genjutsu, whatever happens," ANBU Hound commented idly as he wandered into the kitchen, picked a teacup and set the kettle on to boil.

"Trapping, or Kimimaro could teach you some seals," Erumi suggested.

"Just give him a wok...actually, I'd pay to see those fights," snorted Kimimaro in reply to her comment.

"Razor wire!" ABU Bear said, appearing on the ceiling. "If you use it in tandem with chakra strings, you don't even have to waste energy moving your arms and they're great for offensive, defensive and all ranges."

Throughout all of this, Toshiki looked thunderstruck, but looked particularly thoughtful at Bear's suggestion. "Right. I'll stop trying to perfect Gentle Fist and think about the stuff you guys have said. But what if the Clan-"

"Then they are all idiots who don't understand that shinobi must adapt and play to their strengths!" Erumi barked. "If any of them give you grief you come to me and when they come calling I'll sort them out. Now come on, we've got a Geography project to hand in tomorrow and you are not letting me down."

As the door closed behind them, Yuyu looked down at Kimimaro, who looked up to meet her gaze. "What?"

"I ship it." She said solemnly.

* * *

 **The Plan**

"We can't keep avoiding this forever, Itachi."

The answer to Shisui's words was an infinitesimal flinch and a small "I know."

The older boy sighed and sat down next to him, putting his arm around Itachi's shoulders and pulling him into a one-sided hug. "I'm sorry to bring it up, but it's something we need to think about seriously. The relationship between the Clan and the Village is better than it was, but there are still people who think the only real answer is...well. And us two are stuck right in the middle. I'd estimate we've got somewhere between a year or two years before it comes to boiling point."

In the ensuing silence, Shisui eyed Itachi nervously as he contemplated his next question. "Do you have a crush on Kimimaro?" The shock made Itachi explode into a coughing fit.

"What?" He finally choked out.

"Well, you're nearly twelve, so it's about that point in life for you to start developing feelings for other people," Shisui listed. "You're nearly always around his place to hang out with him. You've been more emotive and comfortable in your own skin than I've ever seen you, since you became friends with him. You worry about him. You confide in him, in your own way. You feel safer around him when you're recovering from a mission than at your own house. Also, from a general perspective, he'll be easy on the eyes once he grows up a bit. There's also the fact that he's the first person inspiring behaviours like this in you. It ticks quite a lot of boxes towards being a crush, cousin."

But instead of blushing, stuttering, or generally being mildly embarrassed or caught off guard, Itachi's face went very, _very_ flat. "No...'" he breathed. "No, we're just friends, basically brothers in all but blood."

"Itachi," Shisui said in a warily soothing, yet gleefully probing undertone. "Nobody's going to mind that if you're crushing on Kimimaro, it's how you feel that's really important-"

"I don't KNOW HOW I FEEL!" Itachi half-gasped, half-screamed. The sudden sound echoed mutely through the thick layer of trees. His eyes were lost and wild.

"I don't...I've always focused on the Village, the Clan, Sasuke! Always so important, always duty, duty, duty. Sasuke's the only one who doesn't feel like a _duty_ because he's my brother and I love him. And then Kimimaro comes. He doesn't care and he's strange and laughs at things and suddenly he shows me there's more to life than just _duty._ He _understands me._ I thought...everything you said...that's just friendship, right? Because this has never happened before, I don't know what to do, but it's nice. And then we became Resonated and being brothers all made sense- _makes sense_ -and maybe it's dangerous but it's fine and I don't have to think about it, just let it be _nice_. And-and now I don't know what to do any more because I didn't plan any of this but it still happened and even though it's nice, which I guess makes it good, I'm still putting him in danger...Nothing makes sense anymore Shisui!"

During the rambling monologue, Shisui merely held his cousin close and mourned what could have been. Even though he dreaded the obvious pain his next question would cause, he asked it anyway. "Why is it a bad thing to be brothers? What I mean is, if you like this so much as it is, why is it a bad thing to be this way?"

"I'd already dragged him into this mess, just by being friends with him," Itachi muttered hollowly, all emotion other than bitterness gone from his voice. "But now...he'll get hurt directly rather than just implicated. That's how it always goes."

"You haven't said anything to him about this situation with the Clan then," Shisui murmured, and received a shake of the head. "Then there's plausible deniability for him at any rate, so you don't have to worry too much about that."

"Why can't I have both Shisui?" Itachi's voice was small and muffled where he had buried his face in his cousin's chest. "Why do I have to choose between my Clan and...whatever I have with Kimimaro?"

Shisui couldn't find an answer.

* * *

Ever since it got back to the Hokage - and a select few others - that I was an Inochi Saido, or 'Live Again', that little titbit has been ranked an A-Class secret. Apparently, what with souls being A Thing as opposed to an indistinct concept like in my past life, Inochi Saido are also A Thing. But I'm the only one heard of with enough memories to use a different language or remember bits of popular culture.

One good thing is that now my more adult mannerisms get correctly chalked up to my having a relatively-pretty-well-remembered past life. One bad thing is that my 'I'm an innocent, albeit traumatized, little kid' card wears a bit thin now up against those in the know. Which, at my therapy session, led to _this_ awkward conversation.

"So, Kimimaro, what are your views on sex and relationships?" Inoichi says, as blandly as if he had just said 'oh look it's raining outside'.

If he was expecting me to blush, stutter or generally be mildly embarrassed or caught off guard, he's sadly disappointed. All those years of retaining my composure haven't failed me yet, thank Kami. Also, I'm now thankful for that thing with Juugo where I had to explain some of the finer details of puberty.

"Sex is...sex." I shrug. "It's reproduction, same as any animal. But for humans there are extra physical, mental and emotional aspects. Physically, it can be about pleasure. Mental, about trust. Emotionally, it's about intimacy or comfort. Certain professions exploit these aspects to harvest information. Others can counter them by learning to reign in their mentality and emotions. Of course, because of these aspects, rape is a damage particularly hard to start healing." Hopefully that was as concise and professional as it sounded in my head. Judging from Inoichi's expression, I haven't left out or misrepresented anything particularly.

"And relationships?" He prompts. I raise an eyebrow, to communicate that I'm not entirely sure what his game is, before I give my answer. "Honestly, I don't really care about the orientations of others. I mean, it's just a fact that a person is attracted to this type of person. I can be happy that another person has found someone that makes them happy, from a basic-human-empathy standpoint, but that's it. And abusive relationships are just abusive, regardless of who it is.

And before it's asked, no, I'm not attracted to anyone as of yet, regardless of my mental maturity. I can think a person pretty, or prettier than another, just as I can with flowers, but that's it."

"What about Itachi Uchiha?"

I actually throw my arms up in the air at this. "Oh great! Hugging and being a supportive friend-slash-brother is now apparently sexual; nobody told me! Did nobody listen to what I just said? I have been very clear the whole time I've been in Konoha that I'm not physically old enough to be interested in that sort thing. Mental age regardless! And especially not with Itachi, no matter any time-skips to the years ahead! Just, no, nope, no way, nada, nente, nein, _hell no._ "

Rant over, I take a sip of my tea. "And now my tea's gone cold. This day just keeps getting better and better."

Inoichi gets a gleam in his eye. "Yes, I read the book you found in the Library. It was exceedingly interesting, and I've passed it around the Yamanaka Clan, given that it's much more in-depth than the revised versions we've had up until now. Tell me, when you were doing your little experiment with the chakra paper, did...?'"

The session drifts off from there, but now matter how hard I wrack my brain, I just cannot shake the feeling that this isn't the end of the problems my Resonation with Itachi is going to cause.

* * *

And then Shisui asks me, in all seriousness, "what are your intentions towards Itachi?".

My first thought is 'why is Shisui giving me the brotherly 'shovel talk'?' Then it hits me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

I might be barely old enough to start getting romantically interested in others, but Itachi is.  
I might view hugs and general openness as broad friends-and-family actions, but I seriously doubt Itachi would.  
I might find it completely natural to trust people, but would Itachi?  
I've been acting protective of Itachi, when everyone else expects _him_ to be the protector.

It's not too big a step to reason that Itachi might begin to...fall for me.  
And I've been leading him on without even knowing it, toying with his feelings and I never realised.

Inoichi was really asking if I knew what I was doing to Itachi, even though I view him as my adorably-emotionally-stunted-snarky-misfit-big-little brother.

I need to fix this. Or at least try.

I've tried meditation in order to try and preserve some of my non-Naruto-franchise-related previous-life memories, with limited success. I remember some faces of those in my family and the names that go with them, as well as snippets of information about them.  
But I'm definitely sure now that I never really had a significant other. Crushes, I think, but no actual relationships. In fact, I'm almost certain that I was some middling shade of asexual.  
I don't know if that still applies in this life or whatever, but either way, I can't have that with Itachi. He's part of my life, but not the thing it revolves around. Like I've reasoned before, he hasn't experienced the same things I have.

This isn't about the experience, the difference of which is big enough already, this is about how far it's put us apart in how we each understand humanity. Which means that we each know what we are willing to do when it comes to protecting what's ours; and those methods are not the same. And that right there is the tipping point.

* * *

"Itachi?"

Shisui hovers a few steps behind me; I can feel his eyes boring into my spine as Itachi glances up at my call. "Kimimaro! And Shisui?"

What do I say? What does anyone say in this kind of situation? How do I even start? The beginning is probably a good idea.

"Okay, so, there's something really important we need to discuss which I only realised needed to be discussed once Shisui tipped me off that this thing exists a few minutes ago and this is going to be really awkward for both of us, just a heads up." I'm rambling. Oh kami, I'm rambling and I'm jittery and my brain is seesawing between the options of clamming up for the next week or vomiting out all of my deepest darkest feelings and I'm one sentence away from running away screaming because I SUCK AT FEELINGS AND ITACHI SUCKS AT FEELINGS and I feel like I'm holding some priceless vase in greased fingers because I don't want to break Itachi.

And now my thinking is rambling.

Fuuuu...

All neurons please evacuate the cerebrum in an orderly manner, as there has been a severe malfunction in the facility's network, the mainframe will reboot in three seconds...

"Shisui kind of told me that you may have a crush on me and I realized that I've been really confusing this whole time and we need to sort out where we stand with each other!" I manage to blurt out. Except, y'know, with more run-together syllables. At least Itachi is quick off the mark so I don't have to go through the torture of repeating myself slowly. Instead, I have the torture of watching a tidal wave of embarrassment and horror crash through my friend; tight shoulders, braced to turn and run at a moment's notice, eyes wide...And I did this to him.

Thankfully, Shisui breaks the atmosphere by grabbing us both and tieing us to a tree so we can't run away. The coincidence most assuredly does not escape me. "Oh dear kami, the trees are going to be a thing." At their questioning glances; "I keep getting knocked out by, thrown against or tied to, trees. This has become some sort of cosmic running joke. And I can talk about that, but I'm finding it incredibly hard to talk about my feelings. This is truly a new low. Your turn Itachi."

He turns his head to look at me incredulously, with just a hint of hysteria. "Turn? What the hell are you on about Kimimaro?"

"It's how conversation works, isn't it? I say something, you say something, repeat. I just spoke, so now it's your turn to."

"No, it's still your turn because you tried to spend it on explaining a joke about trees."

"Yes, it's called procrastinating!"

"Well, can you let me have a go?!"

"Why do you think I'm continuing this argument?"

"Oh, maybe because we're both trying to run away from analyzing how what I want to feel for you and what I do feel about you don't match up and SHISUI I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR EYES! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME; DISOWNMENT TIMES A THOUSAND!"

Wait, what? That's...the opposite of what angle I thought his side of the tree would take. Okay, I think I can actually think and articulate a sentence now?

"Before we go on, Itachi, I just want to say sorry. I only realized when Shisui told me, that my hugs and other physical contact would drastically confuse some boundaries. It's...uh...to do with the Resonating thing, I feel better when I actually touch you, not just being around you like it usually goes. Other peoples' chakra have different feels to them when I get used to them and yours is really nice and grounds me. It just means I'm comfortable around you and want the moment to last, not that I like you in a romantic or sexual way. I-I I hope that makes sense, I'm not good at explaining this sort of stuff when I don't have time to think out what I'm going to say beforehand."

He sags against the wire ever so slightly, like he's finally clicked and now it's a weight off of his shoulders. "That...yeah, that was something I'd been wondering about. But that's not - okay, that played a part - but I've never met anyone like you before and I've never felt this way before, so...'"

Yes, major stumbling block there, but I can work with that. "So, ignoring my hugging thing, you said that you feel things and want things that are different; how do you actually feel when you look at me, or when you hang out with me?"

"I'm not good with words like you are...but...You're the only non-Uchiha who'll willingly look me in the eye, and not many of my Clan even do that. Then you started asking me things, like how I felt about something, if I found this thing funny, what _I_ wanted...You've been through hell and you've come out smiling, how could I _not_ admire you? But you're not just generous, you're brave, kind, supportive and always know what to say. It's like another world when I'm with you; I can pretend that nothing matters other than being myself."

That definitely _sounds_ like a crush. This lonely, scared little kid is looking at me like I hung the stars.

But it isn't.

"Itachi...It's okay. That isn't a crush. Or rather, it is, but because I'm an exception in your life, not the rule."

Shisui steps forward, an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm...he's right, cousin. That's not a crush; that's a psychological thing. And I'm...I am very sorry for setting this whole thing off. I jumped the branch a bit. I just want you to be happy and Kimimaro makes you happy, but he doesn't; he makes you content and stable and the rest of the time you're just melancholy, which I mistook for normal. I should have realised that you need to finish sorting out your life before you even start looking for romance."

"Wait, hold up." Itachi says, paling. "Kimimaro...and you Shisui, but you're family, so don't really count...and Resonation and hugging aside...are the only ones who treat me like that. The _only_ ones. And hormones confused that for...'" he blanched. "Mother of mercy, how fucked up in the head am I?"

"Well," Shisui drawls. "The self-awareness of the problem means you're doing pretty good. But I'm more inclined to asking how fucked up in the head the Clan is, that their treatment of you made you this way."

Serious time now. "Itachi," I start solemnly. "I know I'm basically the little brother in this relationship, given that I'm a year younger than you and all. But if things go sour-" I swallow the nerves at what still looks pretty certain to happen in the next few years. "My door is always open, no matter what.  
Except if you steal my blueberries. That is a heinous crime I cannot forgive. That, and talking in the cinema or theatre. You are lower than dirt if you ever do that."

Both Uchiha break into laughter. They have very similar laughs, I notice.

"My little-big brother, huh?" Itachi smiles softly. "Guess I have to call you Ani-chan, then."

"Itachi, I'm selfish. I'm willing to hurt a lot of people to protect the select few I care about. You rank pretty high up there on that list. You'd hurt a few people, including yourself, to protect everyone you could. And don't tell me I'm wrong. But I don't want you to get hurt; you run away, understand? Or I will personally resurrect you to explain how stupid it was and all the ways you could have done it differently, then kill you myself."

"Yeah," he croaks hoarsely, his bangs hiding his eyes. "You would do that."

All of a sudden, the wire wrapped around us loosens abruptly and a warm, calloused hand slips into mine. Itachi's looking right at me, Sharingan spinning as he smiles.

"Dear Amaterasu," Shisui groans exaggeratedly. "You kids are so frikking cute, you're giving me cavities."

I turn to him, raising an eyebrow.

"Itachi will never be more than a brother to me, but I'm not opposed to continuing to act like this and letting people assume if it will get the Fangirls off our backs. And the Yaoi fans aren't as openly aggressive, so they're easy enough to avoid." Shisui chokes briefly, before breaking out laughing.  
"You two...I'm going to give up trying to predict you! Imagine everyone's faces when they find out you aren't...'" He dissolves into helpless cackling again.

* * *

But later that night, a single piece of information refused to stop circling around Itachi's head.

 _'In order to awaken the Mangekyo Sharingan...''_

* * *

 _ **Next Time...**_

 **Of Crows, Grammar and Hide-and-seek**

"But why do you...there are more exceptions to this rule than there are holes in a sieve!"

 **Reverse Engineering**

"But Kimimaro...what is normal?"  
"It's not about being normal, it's about finally having the ability to choose. Choice is important."

* * *

 **Look! Conflict!**

 **Before you start writing about how this was way too emotional and angsty, I just want to say that the original draft was _far_ more angsty. Then Shisui decided that it was too sappy and that tying them to a tree would get it over with faster. **

**Review who your favourite OC is so far out of Yuyu, Toshiki and Erumi, or just your favourite quote from the story so far! Or just guess what will happen next.**


	13. Probation: Crows & Reverse Engineering

**Basically, in which the English language is complicated, Kimimaro traumatizes some Genin with Kakashi's help and bestows a power-hack for laughs(and also plot. Probably. Most likely).**

 _ **Probation Month No.10**_

 **Of Crows, Grammar and Hide-and-seek**

"I can't _really_ call him an asshole, can I?" I ask wearily and only half-joking. Itachi, used to my antics, doesn't even look up from his paper.

"No, you can't, Ani-chan."

I lean my head back until it hits the wall with a 'thump' and groan aloud. Bo~ored.

First of all, it's the Chunin Exams. You know, the one that gets held roughly twice a year? The last one was six months ago, so of course I saw all of the candidates leave for Iwagakure. This year being Konoha's turn to host, naturally the town is swarming with foreign shinobi. Including Kirigakure shinobi; from the Village who my Clan attacked. Not to mention, I'm not exactly inconspicuous and may or may not have taken out a few of their prized Apprentice Swordsmen singlehandedly while in the midst of a Berserker Rage. Hence the ANBU being extra vigilant to make sure I don't run into any foreigners while I'm out and about. And even if I put on a Henge and seal it on, my chakra reserves are way too advanced too pass unnoticed and questions will get asked. Even if I Henged to an adult, I still don't act quite right; I'm told my gait and spatial awareness is a bit off because of me being used to a kid's body.

And now the editor for our story is being nit-picky to an unreasonable degree. I mean, we've rewritten those paragraphs four times already and now the changes he wants is getting ridiculous. Which is what led to Itachi and I trying to draft a letter to tell him to shut up but politely. I'm failing at the politely part. And getting the urge to do something stupid and reckless. Meanwhile, Itachi is testing out his English skills.

"It is _I will go_ , isn't it?" Itachi asks out of the blue.

"Yep," I confirm. "You're really getting better at it. Got your head wrapped around tenses yet?"

"Nearly. But if _shouldn't_ , _couldn't_ and _wouldn't_ are already shortened versions, why do you need _shan't_ , _can't_ and _won't_? Well, I understand it's _shall not_ and _cannot_ but for _would not_ you already have _wouldn't_. How come?"

"That is a very good question. Basically, _won't_ is more _will not_ , as present tense about a future event, than _would not_ , as past tense talking about a future event. So you can have 'I said I wouldn't', ' _I said I wouldn't_ ' and 'I won't', ' _I won't_ '.

"And that little flicky thing called an apostrophe is the one where there's one or more characters missing?"

"Uh-huh. And also when something belongs to someone or something."

"And if I'm writing _piece_ ,-"

"Which one? As in no fighting or as in a part of something?"

"There's a different spelling? But how can they sound the same?

"Well, first of all, _peace_ as in no fighting is spelled puh-eh-ah-cee-eh. _Piece_ as in a part of something is part of the bullshit that is ' _i_ before _e_ , except after _c_ but only when the sound is ee'. Brace yourself."

I explain it all, and Itachi throws up his arms in despair.

"But why do you...there are more exceptions to this rule than there are holes in a sieve!"

Because other languages snuck up on _English_ in a dark alleyway and stabbed it with senbon, which _English_ proceeded to keep and forget that it almost died."

Whatever Itachi and I are has definitely settled down into something more stable ever since Shisui got us to talk to each other. For about two weeks or so, we gave each other some space; in the sense that we didn't physically touch each other unless it was necessary. Without all the hugging and leaning against each other, it's given Itachi space to clear his head. He's started calling me Ani-chan, like he said. I still don't know whether to be politely offended or honoured.

But seriously, Shishi told me about a conversation he and Itachi had, and I looked over it as well as the talk Itachi and I had.

It's not just a shitty home life, but the pressure from the Uchiha Clan and Danzo and the Hokage and possibly also Masked Obito.

 _'"I don't...I've always focused on the Village, the Clan, Sasuke!...And then Kimimaro comes. He doesn't care and he's strange and laughs at things and suddenly he shows me there's more to life than just duty."'  
_ _'"You're the only non-Uchiha who'll willingly look me in the eye, and not many of my Clan even do that. Then you started asking me things, like how I felt about something, if I found this thing funny, what I wanted...It's like another world when I'm with you; I can pretend that nothing matters other than being myself."'_

There, right there. He likes me because I'm the freedom he doesn't get at home. Being with his Clan doesn't feel safe because he's spying on them as the perfect Uchiha Heir, but with me he's just Itachi. With me, he's just another kid and of course he likes that. I represent freedom and safety and being himself and having his own opinion...no wonder he fastened himself onto me at the start. No wonder he's protective of me.

And my stupid, s _tupid_ hugging habit confused it all into looking so much like a childhood-friend-crush.

"By the way, I signed a summoning contract," Itachi says blithely. I jump in surprise, but only slam my head against the wall.

" _Ow! Shit!_ Sorry, what did you get? Did your Clan give you one, did you find one or did you just do the hand-signs and chance it? And what type of contract did you get? Grand, Family or Personal?"

"It's a Family-type one, and I was approached. As for what...here I'll show you." He runs through the hand-signs and there's a poof of smoke.

"Yeeerrk! I wonder where I am, yes I do!" A large black crow twitched it's beady eyes. "Itachi-bo! You have summoned me, yes you have!"

"I'm sorry for pulling you away, Karasutaro," Itachi apologised. "But I'd like to introduce you to a good friend of mine. Ani-chan, this is Karasutaro, he's my main contact for the Crows."  
Karasutaro turns towards me, sharp talons clattering against the wooden flooring. "Itachi has told us much about the Corpse Goat, yes he has!"

"What did you call me?"

"Itachi-bo showed us pictures and told us about you, yes he did. Horns, hair the colour of bone, eyes like pools of blood, collecting and protecting a flock; Crows call you Corpse Goat, yes we do!"

Breathe, breathe, take a deep breath, ignore how awesome that nickname is, ignore, ignore...dammit, it's too cool.

 _"I am sorry,"_ Itachi ventures apologetically.

"Don't worry, I'm not angry. I just didn't expect to get a Bingo Book name before I even got in it." Itachi shifts uncomfortably. Oh, great. "Itachi, please tell me I'm not in the Bingo Book."

"You're not in the Bingo Book." Then he wilts slightly. "Kind of. More like an Unknown of Interest. Apparently Kirigakure noticed that you weren't among the pile of bodies when they killed the rest of your Clan. There's a page saying to keep an eye out for a boy with white hair and red around his eyes with retractable spines coming out of his back."

"Oh _joy_ ," I spit. It explains why the ANBU aren't letting me near _anyone_. "No, I'm fine, just...aargh! I don't know if it's good or bad."

"But to have them fear you is a good thing, yes it is!" Karasutaro squawks.

"They _don't_ fear me, they're _prepared_ to find me," I groan. "Yep, it's a disadvantage, I'm _screwed_."

"I don't know what that word was, but I guessing it means bad."

"Close enough." I get up and walk over to the door to pull on my shoes. "I need to go for walk and maybe punch some trees. Hi," I nod to Hound, who's standing waiting for me.

* * *

"Uh, hello," Shigure gulps as the blank black eyes of the upside-down ANBU bore into him. Hopefully his team would get out of this encounter without injury or pissing someone off. "We were told that we could use Training Ground 21 for some pre-Exam training? Is-is that okay, should we wait or we could go back and ask-"

"It's fine." The ANBU's flat voice cuts him off. "My charge can move to the next Ground. Wait here." A swirl of leaves and the figure is gone. The next five minutes are a limbo of indecisiveness as the three Ame Genin stand around nervously.

The dog-masked ANBU reappears, then looks over the three of them. "Well? Come on then."

"You're from Amegakure," a quiet voice states behind them. They spin round, weapons clutched at the ready.  
The...person...is not what they had expected.

They're much younger than them, ten years old at least, and it's impossible to tell from figure or voice if they are male or female. The brown haircut is unisex, so no clues there, but the green eyes staring up at them hungrily are incredibly unnerving.  
"I hear that in Amegakure, the dead walk in fields of paper flowers," they say cryptically.

"Let's go. I won't ask again-" the ANBU's call is cut off with a sharp smile in his direction with a flick of a too-pink tongue. He flinches.  
An ANBU. Flinches.

"I'm sorry about him," the child say apologetically. "He forgets that it's impolite to interrupt. Honestly, it's like people have no manners these days. But you're polite, aren't you?"

Behind Shigure, Kaede muffles a whimper. "Y-yes!" Tomi stutters. "I'm Tomi, this is Shigure and Kaede. Can we u-uh, know your name?"

The thin face creases in mild distaste. "Name, names, na-ames...'" the child rolls the word on their tongue like a morsel of food from an unusual dish. "Hm. Don't have one. Don't need one. I am me, I am no other and there is no other like me. And names, names...oh, they have power." They leer at Tomi. "Red, red like the blood-water of your mother on your tender skin as you screamed in her arms for the first time." The hungry eyes turn to Kaede. "Maple tree. Blessings and a peaceful sanctuary. Peace indeed; your hands are as red as the leaves you're named for. But then, you can always water trees with blood." Then to Shigure. "The autumn rains, how...fitting. Bringing cold winds and stripping all beauty from the hills. How many will be dashed away to stain the water in the floods you bring?"

The laughter is cold and high. Shigure had always mocked the superstitions of the older generations, but maybe there was something to the old tales of the yokai. Because now he really looked, the jaw was too narrow, the tip of the nose too thin.  
"And the Child in Red was bathed in red and the blind giant stretched it's maw forth and it's tongue was a great serpent that stripped the souls of the mighty warriors. And the Child in Red looked upon the field he had seeded with red and felt the daggers in his back and proclaimed it good. And so the Child in Red grew up."

The strange proclamation is delivered in an absent-minded, sing-song tone, before the _thing_ turns sharply on it's heel and strides over to the ANBU. They vanish in a whirl of leaves, leaving a cold chill in the spines of the Amegakure Genin behind them.

* * *

"I'm impressed," Hound comments as I remove the part of the Henge that makes my facial features just about inhumanly long and pointed.

"Hey, I'm good at acting," I shrug. "I should be thanking you for playing along. You absolute troll."

He shrugs. "What can I say? It's funny. Were those speeches some of your story, or what?"

"It was a story," I non-answer. "But the real beauty is in the expression, you see. The right mix of not-all-there, superiority and that-looks-tasty is key. Add in some slightly-off anatomical proportions and you've got a barely-restrained monster at your service."

"I'm no good at acting," he protests good-naturedly. "Acting a character, anyway."

"So is the Child in Red," I shrug. "Or rather, so is the God in Red. The towers of Amegakure hold many secrets, you know?"

"Amegakure has had it's borders closed for nearly two decades!" Hound retorts. I say nothing as the blank eye-holes of his mask bore into me.  
"Oh," he finally says. "Well, thank you for giving me that information." He doesn't question any further.

* * *

 **Reverse Engineering**

 _'...After just a few moments, maybe 30 seconds, the change was truly startling. Markings began to fade into existence around Hashirama-sama's eyes and cheekbones, sharp and dark. The skin itself was changing in colour of it's own accord, but the lines were clean and distinct, not blurred as one would expect. Overall, the pattern was reminiscent of Suji-kuma Kumadori paint from the Kabuki theatres. Please see the sketch depicted below._

 _I had already had the pleasure of seeing great Mokuton jutsu cast, so I could see the differences when the same jutsu were performed during this Sage Mode. Most noticeably, every one seemed to have more...potential to it. Usually, Great Forest Creation merely grows towering trees in order to disrupt a home environment advantage, with some limited control over the branches during growth. In Sage Mode, the ground and sky becomes a morass of writhing, coiling wood, constantly in motion. With Great Forest Bloom, the giant blossoms are much larger, as big as the Hokage Tower instead of house-sized, and spew clouds of choking pollen._

 _After Sage Mode had faded from Hashirama-sama, a thought came to me. How was it that, even without Sage Mode, it merely took him a thought to raise towering trees from the ground and shape wood to his liking? How was it even possible to transform his own flesh into such a different material? His answers to my questions were rather cryptic, but revealed further details about how he had learnt Sage Mode._

 _'It was quite dangerous once I started making headway; full-grown trees began exploding from my flesh and bark tore itself from underneath my skin. It was agony. Had it not been for Tobi and Mito-chan disrupting the flow, I would likely have been subsumed completely. But during that pain, I finally learnt something. I have always felt at home among the trees, as has Tobirama. Even as children, we could meditate for hours on end but feel like only minutes had passed. It was like we could feel the pulse of the earth beneath our feet. Two of the Senju Elders also had this gift, but Tobi and I were the only ones who dared to reach out and touch it, with any success, it seemed. At least, now we know where all those old Clan tales of Elders turning into trees came from.''_

 _-excerpt from the personal accounts of Ieyasu Hyuuga_

" _EU-FUCKING-REKA!_ "

That's what the Senju Clan were hiding and it makes _so much sense!_ They have the innate ability to resonate with Nature energy itself and through that, their environment! Hashirama had Mokuton, Tobirama could pull water out of thin air and Tsunade, despite being only part-Senju, is an incredible healer with her understanding of anatomy in general.  
Mokuton clearly makes use of Yang Chakra as well, what with creating plant life from the ground. And what was mentioned about disrupting the flow to stop an unwanted transformation fits with how the toads whack Naruto on the head to stop him petrifying into a frog. And it also runs with how Danzo's synthetic arm suddenly exploded into a tree and he couldn't stop it.

Because it's easy to join the dots once you notice that in canon both Naruto and Kabuto are taught Sage Mode by their respective summons, during which their eyes change with coloured markings around them. Kabuto used Sage Mode with an Orochimaru Curse Mark on top of some disturbing physical experiments, so that horned white snake form probably doesn't count as a baseline. But Hashirama didn't have a summon to learn from and his eyes didn't change and the markings went all over his cheeks and forehead as well as around his eyes. He must have just experimented with more and more Nature energy until he got it right.

Oh wait,...no, I'm going to theorise on Hashirama's strange hundred-handed Buddha summon being related to that spiritual-glowy-hundred-handed-demon-Buddha thing the monk at the Fire Temple can do later on.

Tenzo...Going by the things I just thought through, my very loose theory is that he survived the procedures done to him because he had some Yang affinity. But it cannot be enough, not having access to Nature energy must put tremendous strain on his body. The fact that he gets such drastic exhaustion so quickly without it being Chakra Exhaustion slots in nicely there. I mean, Chakra Exhaustion is just extreme hunger and passing out to sleep for a day or so. Not the coughing, wheezing and sunken face Tenzo gets. And sure, Mokuton is immensely overpowered, but Tenzo just does Moku-bunshin, basic defensive structures and sprouting beams from his body, essentially.

Okay, Juugo gets the specially adapted Curse Mark Jiraiya and I cooked up put on him tomorrow. Hopefully I can go over the idea I have after that, while he's still around. In the meantime...I grab a fresh sheet of paper and start sketching out some lines.

That night after dinner, I roll it out in front of ANBU Bear and he glances it over. "What's this for?"

"For you." He glances up in surprise and I explain.

"You know that I know about what Orochimaru gave you. Sure, you have it, but what you can do doesn't match up with what it should be able to do. So there had to be something more, the thing that did give the Senju an edge over the Uchiha and other clans. Turns out that Senju can instinctively tap into Nature energy, and Hashirama also had a Yang Affinity to some degree that allowed him to create cellulose and plant cells from plain water and earth and even his own flesh. I think you were the only one who survived the experiments because you have a Yang Affinity as well as Water and Earth; you have used iryo-jutsu with some ease before. But you get exhausted the way you do because your body can't channel Nature energy like the Senju can."

He broods over my words for a few seconds, before tapping the paper. "You said this is for me. I recognise some of these patterns from the one you're giving to Juugo," he prompts.

"This is just a rough idea, but essentially I've reversed Juugo's one. It will take in Nature energy for you. And because it's going to be a Curse Mark, it will filter it directly into your Network in manageable amounts. Hopefully I can figure out a clause for it to increase the input according to what jutsu you want to do. What do you think?"

All he does is stare at the paper. Then Hound materializes behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder, and he looks up. "What do I...?"

" _If_ this works," Hound begins. "Then your position within the Village will change; you and your world will change. But if this can give your jutsu the edge it should have, or at least stop you getting those terrible bouts of exhaustion, then those are good things."

"So, I'd be normal again?"

"Like there's any Jounin that falls under the bounds of 'normality'," I mutter. Bear looks at me again.

"But Kimimaro...what is normal?" I think he's joking to distract himself.

"It's not about being normal, it's about finally having the ability to choose. Choice is important." I lick my lips nervously and go for it. "And if I have a chance to examine it, I could probably do something about Kakashi's eye as well."

Dead, thick silence. "How did you know my name?" Hound growls. I start counting on my fingers.  
"Spiky whitish hair. Lightning Affinity chakra. I can feel that one of your eyes has been transplanted. It was kind of straightforward to figure out, but I still have no clue what Bear's real name is, don't worry about that."

The tension lessens a little, but it's still wary. "Sometimes I wonder what you're really doing, Kimimaro," Kakashi says flatly. "You know so much, can do so much, and care so much about the oddest of people...yet you only act when you choose to. How much could you do if you just acted, instead of sitting back and watching?"

"So much." My voice is hoarse for some reason. "I could do so much but I don't because I'm scared of not being in control. And I don't just mean being strapped to a table, I mean not knowing what's going to happen and having nothing left to bargain with! What happens to me then, huh? I'm just another warm body to be thrown at the enemy, aren't I?!"

"YOU'RE NOT!" Bear roars, _roars_ , catching me off guard. "That will never happen! If this Village ever turned their backs on a friend and comrade like you and spat on the Will of Fire, I'll gladly scratch a line through my headband and leave!"

"Myself...as well," Hound adds. "I have promises to keep but...yeah, that's not the Village I'd fight, and those I loved died, for. You've touched a lot of people's lives for the better, more than you know. Or maybe you do know; you always know more than you let on, it seems. The point is, everyone can sense that you're a controlling, secret-hoarding little shit and we don't have a problem with that. Hell, the T&I Department is like that and they all still have friends and social lives somehow."

"What senpai is saying in a very roundabout way," Bear says exasperatedly. "Is that you do have friends here in spite of your weirdness."

"Dear Kami above, I'm so sorry," I reply in exaggerated solemnity, slowly patting Bear on the shoulder. "You two have finally lost what's left of your sanities if you've actually become friends with me. My condolences for your loss." They look at me askance. "What's that look for?"

"You're not going to have a crying breakdown?"

"Nah. Don't get me wrong, I know that crying's good for emotional health and all, but it's gotten to the stage where I'm kind of too apathetic to waste all that energy now. I'd rather just...stare at the ceiling and contemplate the futility of life for an hour or two. After all, it's lot of energy corrupting Itachi and my friends at the Academy."

"...Is it possible to...not...be friends anymore?" Bears asks, half-joking.

"No, you two are stuck with me now. But if you don't want to be my friend, I can always demote you to evil minion."

"'Evil' minion." Hound not-asks, resignation in his tone.

"Explain how shinobi are supposed to be remotely virtuous soldiers of all that is good and pure?"

"Point. But still...'minion'?"

"Oh yeah, I can't really steal the Hokage's minions, that's just rude and probably not conducive to my continued health. Accomplices?"

"Much better."

* * *

"Behold! Your new, and improved, Curse Mark design!" I ham, unrolling the scroll with great aplomb.

But with all seriousness, this is my best work yet. I have no idea if it will end up with a particular colour once tied to the skin, but it now looks like a curved tree root design. There's a main line that splits off into narrower lines, that curve around into a circle that would be encompassing, but the main line sticks out of it a little bit. Don't worry, that's on purpose, to be the input for the Nature energy.

"Well, that's all well and good," Hound huffs exasperatedly. "I get why Jiraiya-sama and Hokage-sama are here. But what is _she_ doing here?!" He points at Yuyu, who merely spares him a glance before sitting down on the grass and proceeds to pull a bowl, spoon, bottle of milk and a cereal box out of a bag.

"She invited herself and I'm too scared to tell her to leave," I reply stolidly. And this isn't one of my many issues or anything like that, Yuyu is legitimately terrifying when she wants to be for someone who barely hits 4ft 2in and therefore looks two years younger than she really is. You know how in some manga and anime, there are characters so scary, sometimes you see ghostly apparitions of wild animals or demons hovering behind their heads? Like Zabuza? Well, she's one of those. And her spirit-animal-apparition-thing looks like the unholy lovechild of a xenomorph and a stag-beetle. Fortunately, I've never been on the receiving end of it, but her black humour...that I'm the only person who finds it hilarious is probably a cause for concern, but I'll ignore that.

The sound of cereal tinkling into a bowl breaks the silence. "What?" She asks indignantly. "I didn't eat much last night, and I'm not missing this. I missed Juugo's." She fixes her gaze on me. "I will stab out your eyes with a rusty spoon."  
Because I didn't invite her to Juugo's sealing. I think there's room for forgiveness though, since that threat isn't as bad as her usual ones. Also, the fact that she feels comfortable enough to threaten me is kind of sweet because it means she knows I know she's being friendly. In her own way.

"I'll get you a box of Karinto." It's her favourite snack.

"Two."

"One, and I'll throw in a pound of butterfly pasta."

"Done. Forgiven."

I spin back around to the two ANBU, Jiraiya and the Hokage. "Now then, shall we get started?"

"I'm ready." Bear says, raising his hand.

"Okay, you're going to need to take off your shirt and lay face-down on the ground. And it's probably in your best interest to remove your mask, since your breathing being obstructed in any way is the last thing we need. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone what you look like."

A quiet crunching of cereal provides a very odd background sound as Bear sheds his vest, undershirt, chain-mail and lastly and hesitantly, his mask. While all that's going on, I unseal from a scroll a bone dagger I grew especially for the purpose of applying curse seals.  
Because chakra-conductive alloy is very expensive, so biological material is the next best option for transferring a specific seal matrix. Since this has been soaking in a basic nutrient fluid for 24 hours, in order to fully permeate the inside which I left slightly porous, it'll shunt chakra quickly and cleanly. The nutrient fluid will provide the fix, as that will fasten the matrix into the nearby cells as it's absorbed from the bloodstream. That initial concentration is where the mark will be.

Bear looks nervous as he lays down, and I don't blame him. He's exposing his back and neck so I can essentially stab him.  
"Just so you know what to expect," I say as calmly as possible. "It's going in the trapezius muscle right here," I poke him in that spot, so he knows, and he shivers, "since there's some major blood vessels nearby and that will get it through your body faster. Obviously, there's going to be some initial pain from the actual stabbing, and it's got to go quite deep otherwise it might not take. Then there should be a sharp stinging sensation as the Mark appears. From then on, it's going to hurt like a bitch. After all, it's going to work into your whole Network and painkillers are out since it needs full access to your nerves and brain and the pain is going to be a good indicator of how well it's working."

"I-I can handle it," he breathes harshly. "Go ahead. Do it."

I know exactly how hard to push and get it over with quickly, but I hesitate. Why? I've checked and rechecked everything, made contingency after contingency and it will be a benefit for him, for everyone, in the long run. It's just a little pain. He'll just be in pain for a little while, no biggie.  
But I'm still going to be hurting him on purpose. And it's leaving a bad taste on the back of my tongue.

Yang chakra surges through my brain, my misgivings fall away and I bring the knife down.

* * *

"Aw~w!" Kimimaro coos at the beetle in his hand. "Who's an adorable genetic mutation? Yes you are!"

Yuyu does not smile beneath her half-mask. Absolutely not. It is not absurdly endearing to see one of her experimental kikaichu fawned over like an infant. The twitch in her lips is just an itch, she swears.

"Thank you. I worked hard on them," she acknowledges. "They can chew through an inch of steel in five seconds. Thanks to the new ladybird genes, they have a higher reproductive rate and cold resistance." Obaa-san had been very proud of the splicing.

"Yeah, they've still got the spots," he comments, running a finger along the dappled carapace of the one he's holding. "You could sink a fleet with these little things. Planning anything anytime soon?"

"What if I was? Would you try and stop me?" She asks, honestly curious. He smiles at her, half self-deprecating, half amused.  
"In all actuality, I'd probably bring food and a picnic blanket. And a camera. It would be awesome to watch. Of course, I'd have to offer up token resistance, but strategic surrender would be the most viable option. Since, you know, you're scary."

"I will skin you with a broken teacup," she hisses. Normally, people look perturbed when she threatens them so and it's funny; it's why she does it, without fearing rejection from those she's closest to because they know her better than that. But Kimimaro just grins like an idiot, like she just complimented him. He's obviously touched in the head, anyone would be after what he's been through.

A screaming groan breaks the air, and they both look over to where ANBU Bear is writhing on the ground, visible greenish-white chakra coiling around him. It takes every bit of Yuyu's willpower to restrain her kikaichu from venturing over to taste; bad enough they're already crawling over her coat in anticipation. She looks away from the sight and thinks about other things like kikaichu breeding cycles and genotypes and keeps eating her cereal. And that's when she sees the oddest thing.

Kimimaro is looking intently at ANBU Bear, eyes locked and face drawn with worry. He doesn't seem to notice that he's chewing on his own fingers until blood starts trickling down his knuckles. She sees the quiet gleam of iryo-jutsu as he takes them from his mouth, eyes wide in embarrassment and shock, and heals the teeth marks without even blinking.  
He smiles to himself in fond curiosity as she sends kikaichu to crawl over his hands; he doesn't realise that they are telling her that his fingers, especially the pads, are calloused with tiny scars from myriads of tooth-marks.

It's not uncommon for shinobi to have physical coping mechanisms; they can range from clutching good-luck charms to, indeed, biting objects or themselves. It's definitely a long-term symptom of underlying issues, but they can have their uses, like breaking genjutsu through small increments of pain. She knows it's when it becomes compulsively self-harming that it becomes a serious issue warranting the Yamanaka. She'll have to keep an eye on him.

"Bleeding," she points out to him, pointing to the smears of red still on his hand. He looks abashed, ducking his head. "Yeah, sorry. Old habit I'm trying to break. It's just that...he's hurting and this all feels like a bad dream. I can't quite believe I'm doing this."

She's not good at reassurance. "It will have long-term benefits," she points out. "He chose this. All precautions were taken."

His shoulders slump. "Yeah. Okay; good points. Just got to keep watching and pray nothing goes wrong."  
Maybe she's not as bad as reassurance as she thought. Or maybe they're just both weird.

"Hey, Aburame-chan?"

What now? Kami, she was turning into a regular chatterbox around him, wasn't she? She just wanted to eat her cereal. Stupid genome sequence refusing to code and making her miss a meal. "What?"

"Hypothetically...if something...happened to me, would you miss me?"

Fuck his Issues. Seriously, how many times did she and the others have to show they appreciated him before he got it through his thick-as-horse-glue skull? When she got her hands on the people who hurt him, it would take them _days_ to die for putting all of them through this. Did they _know_ how jarring his mood-swings were?! "Yes. We all promised that you wouldn't be hurt again. Including by yourself. Of course we'd miss you. Then we'd dismember whoever hurt you."

At least, he smiles. "Oh. I didn't think Toshiki or Erumi had the stomach for dismemberment?"

"Torusuke and Erumi do. Toshiki can be in charge of mailing the box with the head in." She sees the question on his face before he can ask it. He's too transparent like that. "I promised to protect you, so you're part of my Hive now. And nobody touches my Hive. Unless they want to be skinned alive and used as a food-host for my experiments."

He laughs. Properly; shoulders shaking and loud barks of hilarity. "I can live with that," he gasps, green eyes dancing with vindictive mirth, "my Queen."  
Her kikaichu queens rustle inside her at the acknowledgement, but she ignores them. "Good Soldier," she says dryly, patting him condescendingly on the shoulder. "Anything else you'd like to mention?"

"Before today, I never knew you had freckles." His eyes are fixed on her lower face, where she'd slid down her face-mask to eat.

"Fuck you very much too, now let me finish my soggy cereal."

* * *

His mouth feels like a compost heap, is the first thing Tenzo realises when his mind surfaces from the inky pool of unconsciousness. Second is that his body feels. So. Light. He had never realised how tired he had always felt, how...stagnant. Third is that the hand holding his, feels like the sound of crunching glass and the sharp smell of ozone. It's amplified, but it's as recognisable as his own.  
'Kakashi' he tries to say but only comes out as something more like 'k-ssh'.  
So instead he sits bolt upright and opens his eyes. Despite the harsh glare, he hears a shriek of " _HOLY SHIT!_ " and the sound of a chair falling over. Once his eyes finally adjust, he sees Kimimaro sticking to the ceiling, looking down with wide eyes. Which quickly furrow into a good-natured scowl.

"Don't _do_ that," he mutters, scuttling down the wall and flipping onto his feet, onto the floor. "But hey, at least you're up!"

Kakashi slips a plastic cup of water into Tenzo's hand. He sips it slowly. "How long?" He manages to rasp.

"Thirteen hours and seventeen minutes until you just scared the living daylights out of Kimimaro," says Kakas-no, Hound, they were still on-duty. "You're chakra feels much better now, but you control has been shot to shit. Not to mention, that training ground we did the procedure in is now impenetrable jungle."

"Your Network was so used to siphon every scrap of Nature Energy it could touch that the sudden access meant that your chakra levels surged just as you lost consciousness," Kimimaro explained. "Since it was uncontrolled Mokuton chakra, we now have a few-dozen more trees than we used to. Also, you are going to be very very very very very out-of-balance, because the surge was so strong that you opened at least five of the Eight Inner Gates and once equilibrium was finally re-established, your chakra reserve had doubled in capacity. You're now very close to Kakashi's level and I'm pretty sure he's Kage-level. Congratulations."

"And no," he continued, preempting the question "opening those Inner Gates did not tear you apart because you weren't using them to fight and they were fulfilling their actual purpose as Network valves. Why they don't teach this stuff anymore, I have no fucking clue," he finished with a disgruntled mutter. "If you'll excuse me," he stood up. "My day at the Academy starts in less than an hour, I haven't slept in 48 hours and I'm going to need lots and lots of caffeine and sugar to get through this."

* * *

 ** _Next Time..._**

 **Moving on**

"This is starting to sound like a break-up from a cliche romance novel-" "Why can't you just LISTEN TO ME!"

 **Barracks Gossip**

"I will stuff this sake jar where the sun doesn't shine."

* * *

 **Before people jump on my ass about the habits thing:**

 **It is apparently taught to prepubescent children that stabbing/biting yourself is a reasonable precaution against genjutsu.  
During the Chuunin Exams, Kiba bites his own hand to calm himself down while fighting Naruto.  
Genma chews toothpicks and senbon.  
Shikamaru has his meditation-hands.  
** **Kakashi reads porn and deliberately wallows in guilt.  
Gai wears green and his hair in a bowl-cut.  
** **Jiraiya writes porn and violates the privacy of bathing women.  
** **Tsunade drinks and gambles.**

 **Kimimaro acknowledges that it is a habit, not a compulsive need.**

 **Read, enjoy, leave a review.**

 **P.S Expect our Main Character to show up at month 12.**


	14. Probation: Moving On & Barracks Gossip

**In which there is a re-evaluation and some nosy shinobi.**

 **I'm glad that people are liking my pseudo-chakra-science.**

 _ **Probation Month No.11**_

 **Moving On**

I swear to all the kami that Itachi is part cat. It's the only explanation as to why I keep waking up in the morning with him sleeping next to me or on the sofa. But for the moment...

"'Tachi~!" I gasp, waving one hand in the air and frantically slapping him on the arm. "Lemme go! Air!"

"Nyarf," he mumbles into my shoulder and hugs me tighter. Kami, I'm the one with the bone Kekkei Genkai, yet he feels like he has more elbows than is anatomically possible. Bloody Uchiha stealing my bed...I reach back and pull his hair, hard.

He screeches like a cat as well.

He scrambles for my throat. "Bastard!"

"I am; what's your point, birdbrain?!" I jam the heel of my hand into his solar plexus and he coughs, winded, but gets a grip on my shoulders.

"Can't you wake me up like a normal person?!" His foot grinding mine into the bed is painful. Massive bruises, here I come.

"I bloody tried! And abnormal and proud!" I lock my ankles around his and flip us over, smothering his face into the pillow.

He grabs my wrist with one hand, the other a fistful of my hair and yanking. We fall off the bed as we roll back and forth.  
A few seconds later, Bear shunshins in front of us. "Alright, break it u-...are you chewing his leg?"

"Maybe," I mumble around Itachi's shin. I didn't break the skin, I swear; I'm not that unhygienic.

There's the flash of a camera from Hound and Bear jabs a finger at me. "Spit him out. Now. And Itachi, let go of his horns. Now, what's all this about?"

"He started it!" I accuse. Huh, my voice has an echo...I glance over at Itachi, who's pointing back at me.

"What _has_ gotten into you two over the past week?" Bear grouses, the doorframe sprouting hands(actual wooden hands, four fingers and a thumb, count them, like the Shodai's golem, he didn't even need to make hand-signs, I am _so_ proud of myself right now) and dragging us both into the living room with firm grips on our arms.  
"Admittedly, you're never serious when you fight like this, but I really need to know what the hell happened between you two and when it started."

Damn ANBU, trying to know every single detail of my emotions..."I have the right to remain silent," I mutter. " _Eep_!" I promptly squeak as the wooden arm hoists me an inch off of the floor.  
"No you don't, I am responsible for your well-being, which means you answer my questions so I know how to protect you," Bear growls, giving me a miniscule shake and setting me down again. "And you, Itachi, I am your senior comrade, so you owe me answers as your senpai."

Well, if he _has_ to know; "I'm sick and tired when I wake up to Itachi either throttling me, crushing me, or sprawled on the floor."

"His condescension is so thick I can practically _smell it,_ " Itachi growls. "I can tell when you don't tell me things because you think I can't handle it."

"Hey, I've never-"

"I know...I know that I'm not strong enough to bear some things on my own! But neither are you. I don't care if you don't tell me everything, but don't try and coddle me and make it harder for yourself in the process, Ani-chan."

"Heh." Unbidden, a smile twitches the corner of my mouth. The ache of my bruised foot is still prevalent. "Y'know, that doesn't explain why you keep smothering me in your sleep. It's not like I'm planning on leaving anytime soon."

"Until you stop acting like it, I will continue to invade your bed and I will crater the floor with your thick head every time you wake up if I have to."

"Strangle me again and I will boil your teeth you sycophantic twerp."

"Like you could actually do that, you clay-brained noodle."

"OI! Easy on the threats you two," Bear interjects. "Honestly, bickering like children; you are better than this."

"Ehh…'" I exchange a bemused glance with Itachi. "Technically we are children; we should be acting like this."  
"Maybe if we include swearing, we'll upgrade to bickering like adults," he muses thoughtfully, a smile on his face. "I've been waiting to try some of the words I've picked up." Ooh! Me too!

"What the hell happened to the two orderly, sensible little kohai I knew?" Bear mourns. "Look, no more fighting, both of you, even if it's friendly."

" _Fine_ , kaa-san," Itachi rolls his eyes. Bear chokes on thin air.

"Does that make Hound tou-san then?" I ask innocently. From the hallway, there's a sound like a surprised hiccup, followed by the thump of a body hitting the floor. "Y'know, how many people do you think we can convince that I'm legitimately related to Kakashi Hatake?"

"I'm in."

"Oh, so your friendship isn't ending," Juugo says from where he sits at the table, sipping coffee. Huh. How long has he been there? And also..."Eh?"

"Oh, _nothing_ ," Juugo sighs exaggeratedly. "I just thought that maybe this would be the one time you finally have enough of each other and split up. Or maybe you'd just avoid each other until you eventually forget what made you friends in the first place."

Well...this is...new. There's some real bitterness in there, as well as some major hinting at parallels, but I don't quite...'  
"Look, Juugo. I can tell you're upset, but I don't understa-'"

His wide-eyed, searching stare cracks suddenly. "No, you really don't, do you?" He says softly. "After all, it's not what you _did_ do, it's what you _didn't_ do." He takes a deep breath. "Kimimaro. I'm moving out. I can't live with you, with... _this,_ " he waves his hand, gesturing vaguely to everything around him, "any longer."

When in doubt, a little humour. "This is starting to sound like a break-up from a cliche romance novel-" "Why can't you just LISTEN TO ME!"

Oh shit. I don't think I've ever realised before just how big Juugo actually is. He towers over me and he looks like he could tear me in half without even transforming. I step back, but then horror creeps into his eyes.  
"Shit, no, Kimimaro, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I just want..." he rakes his fingers through his hair. "Just...let me explain."

"When we first met, you were like an answer to all my prayers. At first, I didn't really mind that you had your own flaws, but then Itachi came along and you started to open up...and I realised just how..." the word _broken_ hangs in the air "...different you were underneath all those layers. And how much you needed someone to lean on, not someone to depend on you."

He shoots me a pointed glance. "It was like you'd forgotten I existed. Sure, you cooked, did the laundry, budgeted for two. But you stopped asking me about _me_." He draws a shaky breath and sits back down. "Mao Inuzuka's my friend and when he got seriously hurt on a mission I thought you'd at least notice that I was worried about something. But you didn't. And you didn't even ask me about _anything_ that was going on in my life. I was angry, but then I wasn't, because when we first met all you did was promise to fix me in return for me watching your back. I don't...I'm not obligated to be friends with you or you to me."

Oh.

"And I'm not blaming you for being you, Kimimaro," Juugo continues. "It's like you're magnetic; everyone focuses on you. We have two ANBU watchers because there's two of us, but they've started leaving clones to watch me because they want to be around you. No offense guys," he remarks to the two now slightly-sheepish ANBU in the corner.  
"I just need to get out; out of your shadow, Kimimaro."

"I've really screwed up," I admit after a long moment of silence. "Sorry, I...no, I am sorry, and...yeah, okay. If you want to move out, I'm not going to stop you. Are you sure you'll be good on your own, or do you need me to give you lessons in any housework or anything?"

He shakes his head. "No, not really lessons as such; I'm pretty good at picking things up from watching you."

"If I might interrupt?" Hound breaks in. "You have to stay in the same place of residence for the whole duration of your probation. Sorry. But after that, you're free to live where you like."

I nod. "Okay. I don't want to sound like I'm _trying_ to get rid of you Juugo, kami knows I've given you that impression enough, but I'll teach you a few things more directly. The last month and a half of Probation to get you up to speed on things." Chinsei whines almost apologetically as he pads over and rests his head on my leg. I run my hand through the tightly curled white fur; when did he get so big?

Itachi suddenly grabs me by the wrist. "Well, that's all said and done; GOING NOW I'LL BRING HIM BACK SOON BYE!"

We disappear in a Shunshin.

"You can thank me later," Itachi faux-sniffs-imperiously when we reappear knee-deep in a grassy field. "I know how you don't like awkward discussions about feelings and I took the trouble to bring you somewhere with no trees."

I swat him on the shoulder. "I get through quite a few of those discussions because they're necessary. And because Inoichi says they're good for me; which I do agree with. And if you've transported us all the way to Kusa no Kuni, I will be simultaneously impressed, flattered and annoyed."

"Of course we're still in Konoha, bone-head. These are the old ruins on the Northern Outskirts. I come here when I need privacy."

I look around. It is kind of beautiful in an eerie sort of way. Tumbled chunks of stone wall, likely scattered by an explosion or maybe blunt force from a Summon, rise abruptly from a large plain of grass. Lichen spatters them with orange and white and wisteria and honeysuckle dig into and around them. The grass is a dry yellow-green and shimmers silver when the wind dances across it.

"If you brought me here to ask me more mushy questions, I will break your face," I cough politely. Itachi sticks his tongue out.

"Bleh. No." Then he turns serious. "You keep a lot of secrets Ani-chan. I hope that one day you trust me enough to tell me. Preferably soon, because I _wanna know~_." He whines. "Also, I think I've already got most of it figured out."

Do I trust him?

"I swear I'll tell you when my Probation's over," I say solemnly. "Right after. Think you can hold out 'til then?"

He looks at me, Sharingan red and whirling as he burns the promise into his memory. "I do. You swear?" He holds out his hand. I clasp it.

"I swear."

* * *

 **Barracks Gossip**

"So, who's the new guy with Hatake-san?" One of the Chunin from Stores was brave enough to finally pipe up. "I can't say I recognise him and Hatake-san isn't the type to get that friendly with a stranger."  
"They heard you, dumbass," his friend next to him said resignedly as two heads turned in their direction. Then Kakashi stood up. "Oh shit."

"That reminds me," Kakashi announced aloud, flaring his chakra to catch everyone's attention, the low-level chatter fading away and conversations pausing.  
"This is my good friend and cute little kohai Tenzo." The stranger, Tenzo, promptly thumped his head against the bar table-top, cheeks flushed pink in embarrassment. "The reason hardly any of you know his face and name is because he's been a Career ANBU since he was a kid. Well, that's changed. He's still ANBU but he's no longer a Career. So I brought him along tonight to introduce him to all of you nutters!"

"Good thing too!" An Inuzuka yelled from the back of the room. "Like hanging around you is a good stand-in for a social life!" A ripple of 'ooh's ran through the room.

Kakashi chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his one visible eye creased closed. "Aha, very true. But at least Tenzo doesn't end up eating mud at one little tap-"  
"One time! And what do you mean, _little tap_?! You kancho'd me, you asshole!"

But instead of replying, Kakashi quickly turned to Tenzo. "Duck." They flattened themselves to the floor just in time.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

An orange and green blur sailed over where their heads had previously been. Fortunately, the (ex-ANBU)bartender had the skill and presence of mind to flip the hurtling shinobi mid-air and slam him down onto the wooden table-top before he could crash into the racks and shelves of bottles.  
"The sake is saved!" Someone cheered.

"To stop me in mid-kick with such alacrity? I'd expect no less from my Ultimate Rival!" Gai boomed from where he was still draped over the counter.

"Hm? Why are you lying down Gai?" Kakashi asks in an airy, disinterested tone.

Gai springs to his feet, an inordinate amount of tears pouring down his cheeks(Tenzo discreetly checks for genjutsu and finds none. Odd), "Ah, Kakashi! Why must you be so cold and cool?!" He mutters aloud with gritted teeth. Then coloured lights blaze behind him, sparkles flying everywhere. "I, the Green Beast of Konoha, Issue you, my ULTIMATE RIVAL, a Challenge of the Greatest Magnitude! Whoever Performs The Most One-handed Push-ups Balancing a Saucer of Sake Without Spilling a Drop! Loser runs TWENTY LAPS of the Village BAREFOOT!"

Engrossed in trying to work out where all the visual effects are coming from, Tenzo is too distracted to register exactly _who_ is sliding into the seat next to him until it's too late.

"Sooo~" Anko smirks, leaning forward against the counter so her crossed arms push up her breasts just so. "Tenzo, wasn't it?" The man in question quickly forces his eye back up to her face. "No last name at all?"  
He frowns. She must have heard he was a Career; one of the orphans and nobodies with no family, life and sometimes no identity outside of ANBU. Why would she specifically ask him for a family name? His confusion must have shown on her face, because she grins slyly and leans forward to whisper in his ear five words that make his blood run cold.

 _"Not Senju, Tenzo no Mokuton?"_

She's hoicked back from her close quarters by a cold-looking Kakashi. "Don't pry into things that don't concern you, Anko." His voice is careful, measured. A silent glance from her; _understood_ , and her body language changes as she grins up at him.  
"Aww, Kakashi, I was just introducing myself to your cute little toy! I thought Gai had challenged you?" He nods to where Gai is running out the door without his shoes, screaming about the Flames of Youth.

"I convinced him to shorten it to arm-wrestling while balancing sake saucers on our heads. Much quicker."

"Ah." She pours herself a saucer and takes a sip before setting it down. "Yeah, I figured out who your little buddy here was. The bratling still fainting at the sight of snakes?" Tenzo glares at her this time.

"You know you took it too far that time. But since then, he's corrupted Itachi Uchiha, crashed the Academy via crossdressing, turned Shisui Uchiha into a functioning alcoholic, scarred me for life and made Kakashi fall off the ceiling in shock. One more month to go."

"Thank the kami," Kakashi mutters in reply, choosing a shot glass and downing it.

"You're missing him already, I can tell," Tenzo groans half-heartedly.

"I'll certainly miss the blackmail opportunities."

Anko is still studying Tenzo's face. "I still say you might be...I've only ever seen him in photos, but you do remind me of Tsunade's kid brother, or maybe the Nidaime, come to think of it. Mind you, that custom forehead plate doesn't help dissuade from the last one-"

Tenzo looks uncomfortable. Kakashi deliberately sets the glass down on the table. "I will stuff this sake jar where the sun doesn't shine."

Instead, she grins. "Kinky. But I'll need more incentive."  
Tenzo leans in close, mirroring her earlier actions. "Kimimaro's good with seals. _Really_ good. All _sorts_ of seals. He's studied Orochimaru's work as well. You'll need to get permission from the higher-ups and ask him nicely, but...'" He pulls down the high neck of his standard-issue shirt and stretches it down so she gets a glimpse of his shoulder. The vibrant blue tree-like sigil makes her breath catch.

"...there's a chance you could be free again."

* * *

 ** _Next Time:_**

 **Incongruous Meetings**

"Hang on, let me get that for you, kid."

 **Breadcrumbs and Butterfly Wings**

"It's not coded," Inoichi grits his teeth, running his fingers through his hair. "At least, not in the way most people would think."

 **Final Report**

"...But yeah, I think that covers everything. All in all, I think it's been a very productive year."

* * *

 **My Muse is now on time-out because she kept throwing Worldbuilding at me instead of Story. At the minute, Kankuro from Stairs of Sand is watching her for me so I can finish this chapter.**

 **As always, read, enjoy and leave a review about what you think will happen next!**


	15. Probation: Meetings & Final Report

**Of unusual getaways, accidental marriage, unorthodox information and the end of an era. Well, the Arc, anyway.**

 **Incongruous Meetings**

Y'know, most landmark encounters are usually significant, cliffhanger-type moments, or completely random I-bumped-into-you-on-the-street.  
They do not typically occur in a basement launderette of an apartment building at 9 o'clock at night. Nor are they so heart-wrenchingly pathetic as to be watching a five-year-old trying to open the hatch of an industrial washing machine.

Of course, the bright blonde hair and whisker marks gave me pause for a second. Before I set down my own basket with a _thump_.  
"Hang on, let me get that for you, kid."

As tends to be the case with most well-used machinery, the handle mechanism requires a certain knack to open; a slight twist to the right and _then_ tug. After a deep breath, I turn around and accept my fate.

"There you go, needs a twist to the ri-" I double take. What is this madness?!

"Didn't anyone teach you that you don't put colours and whites in at the same time?"

A few minutes later, a basket full of white clothes and a pile of colours on the floor beside it, I get a little worried. Naruto paid avid attention as I talked my way through separating his laundry for him, but he hasn't said a word.  
"Y'know, kid, I appreciate anyone who'll let me waffle on, but sometimes the sound of my own voice gets a little tedious. Can I get your name, at least?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo!" He exclaims, almost on reflex, before slamming his hands over his mouth, eyes wide in fear. That's not a good sign.

"Woah, hey! I'm not gonna hurt you," I soothe. "What's the matter?"

"If you talk in a dream, you wake up," he stage whispers, uncovering his mouth slowly.

"Hm, never heard that one before," I muse. "Most people go by, if you can feel pain it's not a dream. Hang on, let me check." I slap myself on the cheek. " _Ow_. Yep, not a dream."

Naruto giggles, and _there's_ a smile.

"So, Naruto-kun, why did you think you were dreaming?"

"Because you were being nice to me."  
Ouch. _Ouch_. That's...that's painful.

"Huh," I mutter, leaning forward and ruffling his hair. "Not a dye job. So, which one of your relatives was the Uzumaki then?"

He scowls up at me, swatting at my hand. "What're you talking about?"

"You don't look like an Uzumaki, but since Line Theft is serious stuff, you've got to have a least two direct Uzumaki relatives within the last three generations to carry the name."

"Haven't got family. And there's only one Uzumaki, me, you can't take that away from me, dattebayo!"

You have got to be kidding me. Are they not covering this stuff in the Academy or did Naruto not listen to the bits about Clan Alliances? "Raijin's fancy drum kit, has no-one even told you that you have a Clan? Family? A heritage? Possibly a Kekkei Genkai?"

Judging by look on his face, every single word except 'Clan' and 'Family' flew right over his head. "I gotta family? A proper big Clan like Sasuke-teme?" Then, inexplicably, his face falls into utter dejection. "Oh. Well, who needs 'em anyways? I'm fine like I am; I'm big now and I'm in the 'Cademy so I can take care of myself."

What?  
"Look, kid. You're an orphan, I can tell. And you didn't know about the Uzumaki Clan, so you definitely don't know that the Uzumaki didn't abandon you for...whatever. The Uzumaki were attacked and scattered to the winds during the Second Shinobi War; what's left of them probably don't know you're here. Wha-? No, don't start crying, no, _no_ ; let go of me, I'm not...well, this is my life now."

"Would you like some assistance?" Hound smirks behind his mask as he appears.

"Nah, I need to learn when not to dump information on people anyway. But while he's sorting himself out, I have to ask; why the hell is a, what, five-year-old? Living by himself without even the most basic of instruction or self-reliance skills? If he really needs to be out of the orphanage for whatever reason, he should be bunking in the Student Dorms. Especially since he's at the Academy, that means he shouldn't even have to buy his own food and necessities."

"I don't know."

"Then find someone who does. If you can't tell me, that's fine. Just get this sorted."

He snorts. "Fine." But he stills as Naruto looks up at him from my (now-sodden)chest. "I'll go ask"; Hound vanishes into thin air.

"'m _six_ ," Naruto mumbles indignantly through watery eyes and a dripping nose. "Big kid now."

"Yes, yes you are. Now get off me, Ruto-kun. _Ow_ ," I grunt as he stomps his foot right under my ribs while clambering off me. "Anyway, hello. I'm pretty sure you've just moved into the floor below mine, haven't you?"

"Aha! You're the weirdo who lives on the top floor," he nods sagely, eyes squinted suspiciously. "You live with the creepy shadow-people."

"ANBU," I correct gently. "Two of them, one of them was just here with us, live next door to look after me and my roommate Juugo. They're moving out in a few weeks. Hopefully I will see them around again; I consider them friends. A third is my friend and sworn-brother and visits often."

"Oh," he breathes in understanding. "Do you know Jiji? He has a lotta ANBU; some helped me move in t' this place, dattebayo. They were nice, but they didn' talk nothing."

"Is the Sandaime Hokage your Jiji?" I ask and he nods frantically, with a beaming smile.

"Yep! I'm gonna be Hokage like him someday and ev'ryone will respec' me, dattebayo!"

"The Nidaime was the best Hokage," I say shortly, folding my arms. "The Shodai was the visionary, the Sandaime is a wise scholar, the Yondaime was a genius, but Nidaime was the revolutionary that _made_ things happen."

"Nuh-uh!" He yells, bouncing up and down while pointing at me indignantly. "The Yondaime was the best! Everyone knows so! He killed the Kyuubi!"

"As was his _duty_ ," I snap out a retort. "The Nidaime went above and beyond and _bettered_ the Village itself. He's the reason the ANBU exist and we have an Academy to go to! AND the Yondaime copied the Hiraishin off of him, he did it first."

"No!" Naruto practically vibrates, red in the face. "He wouldn' cheat!"

I remain calm, merely raising an eyebrow and tapping my fingertips together. "Well, to be fair, the Nidaime _had_ been dead for quite a while by that point, so that jutsu was fair game. And, really, leaving a legacy for the next generation, all that lovely Will of Fire rhetoric; they actually have to use it and technically rob your corpse in a metaphorical way. And as shinobi, if you're not winning, you're not cheating hard enough."

I think some of that actually got through; Naruto's looking pensive now rather than riled. "Wha'? But the sensei's at the 'Cademy always yell at me f' cheating?"

"Okay, Ruto-kun, listen to me carefully, because this is important ninja stuff," I say sharply, in my best Henchman General voice. He promptly straightens up. "The ninja who _wins_ is the ninja who cheats first, most and best. But you should _only_ cheat to win in a fight or spar; cheating for the sake of it is petty and will lose you trust from others. And always learn how to do something by working hard before you start cheating at it; that's clever, not lazy."

His brow furrows. "So...I can't cheat at the 'Cademy 'cos I haven't learned ev'rything yet? And that's why they all say cheating is bad? But when I know ev'rything, I can cheat all I want in fight's but not anythin' else?"

"That's right," I smile, ruffling his hair; positive reinforcement for the win, yay!

"If you two are all _quite_ finished with this edifying and truly riveting discussion," Hound interrupts. "It seems there was some...bureaucratic mismanagement."

Wait. "You...got this sorted _at night_." My tone is sceptical. "People would have been sleeping! And severely unmotivated into the bargain."

"Sleep is for the weak," that grinning blood-slash of a painted mouth growls flatly. "And I can be _very_ motivating _indeed_."

* * *

"You're sick," is the first thing Yuyu says to me when I open the door. Her body language reads worry and angry concern rather than accusation; she knows about the genetic condition that reduced canon-me to a walking corpse?

"Why didn't you say?! Idiot! Stupid, dumb, boneheaded, _boy_! Ugh!" She stomps her foot in a pique of childish frustration, the ominous red-and-black silhouette of her apparition beginning to coalesce behind her shoulder.

Thinking quickly, I hold up a finger. "Okay, first of all, calm down. Two, it's in remission and I should be clear in a year or two. Three, thank you for your concern. Four, how the _hell_ did you know?"

"Don't understand; course I'm concerned. Had Monitor kikaichu sample your blood and scan your organs while you slept." She crosses her arms petulantly, tilting her head in puzzlement as the shadow fades away.

Whoa. Adorably creepy or creepily adorable? "Screw that, either way it's creepy!"

"But I have your health in my best interests."

I sigh, and resist the urge to bang my head against the doorframe. "Just come in and sit down, I'm not explaining medical ethics on the doorstep."

"Why are you so invested in my health that you decide to examine me, in my sleep notwithstanding?" I ask as I flick the kettle on to boil and reach up to the cupboards to take out two cups.

"Aa, standard procedure," she mutters, unsure now. "My job. Obaa-san runs an outreach program, recruiting for information network. I enable medical help for her informants and detect and contain disease outbreaks."

Buh...bwa...whu..."Okay, you didn't answer my question. But seriously, you manage an entire information network while running pathogen control. How many countries does it span?"

"Obaa-san oversees, not me. She has at least one agent in every major town in eight countries, but the range of my kikaichu only expands to the edges of Hi no Kuni."

I stare. "You're _ten_."

I can sense her blink behind her visor. "I am."

The kettle shrieks, clicks and then starts to cool. I put the cups back and exchange them for two glasses. "I need something stronger than tea." I pull out a large bottle from the fridge and shake it vigorously before pouring and returning to the fridge. Yuyu takes the proffered beverage gingerly, waiting for me to drink before she pulls down her half-mask and sips delicately like she's half-expecting battery acid.

"This is ginger beer," she says flatly. She sips again. "With peach puree and honey syrup."

"My ANBU are adamant about keeping me away from alcohol," I explain dryly. "Because they are overprotective parents- don't deny it you two," I say to the hallway, "It only fuels my argument. Also," I turn back to Yuyu. "I'm not one of your grandmother's network, so why did you test me?"

"You're mine," she pronounces, matter-of-fact as a death knell. "I promised to protect you and when you acknowledged me as your Queen, you became part of my Hive. So, I have a duty of care toward you...please stop smacking yourself in the face."

Ooh-kay, deep breath, accept thine fate, it could be worse. Still..."What's the catch? You look after me, what do I have to do in return? Please be aware that that if your answer includes Eternal Servitude, Favours of The Bedroom Kind, Blood Sacrifice, Loss of Sanity And/Or Bodily Control, or Variants Thereof, I will scream, throw you out the window and never speak to you again; possibly with a side order of stabby-stabby for good measure."

"You're incorrigible. Some of your chakra now and again is more than sufficient. I will want to test you regularly to monitor your health."

"Oh yes!" I round on her. "Care to explain why you didn't just ask for a blood sample and a scan in the first place?"

Yuyu falters, shifting her grip on the glass. "I'm looking after you," she repeats weakly. I nod agreeably in an exaggerated fashion, even as my blood boils in my veins and my bones under my skin.  
"Ah yes, forced medical examinations framed as being for my own good and the examiners uncaring of my opinions or status as a human being; doesn't this sound familiar?"

The lower half of her face is _bloodless_. "I'm not," she whispers hoarsely. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...forgive me." She bows her head. Shit, what do I do now?

I pat her awkwardly on the head; her hair's soft and fluffy despite being firmly tied back in short ponytails. "Sometimes compromise and self-rationalizing can be awful things. Feel free to utterly tear apart our enemies without their consent though. Now, what are these Monitor kikaichu that you scanned me with? They sound important and really interesting."

Thank the kami, the distraction works.  
"They were my Okaa-san's creation before she died. Used the Giant Parasite kikaichu as a base-form for their ability to grow explosively inside a host and modified them into a more benevolent semi-permanent larval form that has unparalleled bio-scanning abilities on par with a Byakugan. Except better because they can attune themselves to a baseline health standard and narrow down abnormalities as well as probable causation before symptoms set in properly...'"

Starting off a little wobbly, Yuyu gets more and more animated as she talks, gesturing with her hands and overall body language becoming more large and expressive. It's a far cry from the taciturn foreboding silence she affects at the Academy and otherwise in public. She was pretty open when I was sealing Tenzo as well. Maybe it's because of the lack of people observing her or something.

"...And that's when I found out about your immune system and I got angry at you for not telling me anything."

"Yeah, the joys of inbreeding means that my immune system tends towards self-destruction," I add dryly.

"At least the scarring to your kidneys is minimal and it was caught before it could reach your brain," she nods. "I'm sorry for not asking first. If you don't ever want to have anything to do with me again, that's fair after what I did to you. I should leave now."

She turns to go but I grab her sleeve. "Y'know, you really need to stop assuming stuff Aburame-chan. I never said I wanted you to never speak to me again."

"But I _hurt_ you!" She insists, her bronze kikaichu emerging from her pockets and coat seams and swarming in response to her confusion. Do all Aburame kikaichu get so defensive? "And your mental state is fragile enough already, I refuse to damage you further!"

"Whose damaging what now and how do I join in?" Itachi blinks as he climbs in through the window, ANBU gear wrinkled with sweat and what smells like vomit. He looks tired but not drained though.

"Aburame-chan gave me a medical examination without my knowledge which reminded me of Orochimaru; I called her out on it and I'm trying to forgive her but she keeps insisting that of course I must hate her now."

"Okay, do you actually hate her now?"

"Nope."

"Oh well, that's cleared that up." He drops to the floor and scans the room in a cursory glance, eyes lighting up at the sight of the half-drunk glasses on the counter. "Hey, you made another batch of your ginger-peach tea-stuff!" He wanders over to the fridge and fishes out the bottle. "And thanks for that brace of grapeshot exploding tags; they worked a treat." He slouches on the sofa with a groan with a glass in his hand.

Oh no you don't. "Oi! Off!" I kick him lightly in the shin only to receive a grunt. "You're filthy; get off my sofa before you stink it up."

"Nooooo~" He groans half-heartedly. "Soooo tired."

"Go take a shower, you festering piece of duckweed."

He flips me a middle finger. "Mean Ani-chan."

"Fine. But go and sit in your own filth somewhere that isn't my sofa."

Grumbling under his breath, he slithers onto the floor and scuttles off, still lying on his back and glass in hand. I hear the shower start up.

"Why do you tolerate him?" Yuyu asks, my hand still on her sleeve. I let go of her.

"I do actually quite like him," I defend. "I taught him how to not be an emotionless killing machine but unfortunately he's kind of stuck at Passive-Aggressive Snark now as regards communication. Drives Shisui up the wall; says I've 'corrupted his sweet baby cousin'."

"So you do really forgive me for intruding on your bodily integrity," she muses aloud, chin in hand.

"Kimimaro-kun, I'm here for Itachi," Shisui pokes his head through the window. "Fugaku-sama wants him at the Compound five minutes ago and-ooh! Who's your friend?"

"My place is already a circus, so come on in Shisui. You can be the performing monkey."

He lets out a theatrically horrible wheezing gasp, clutching at his heart and falling slowly through the window to sprawl artistically on my floor. "Oooooh! What a cruel and heartless monster that has beguiled my cousin away from me! I take it he's using your shower?"

"Change of plan, you're the clown. Yuyu Aburame, this sad excuse for comedy and sadly the most personable Uchiha in existence except perhaps Itachi is Shisui Uchiha. Shisui Uchiha, Yuyu Aburame, undisputed eldritch terror of my Academy class and apparently my self-appointed life-long benefactor."

 _"Tell Shisui that Tou-sama can fucking wait!"_ Itachi yells from the bathroom.

"Corrupted, I tell you," Shisui groans. "That flesh-eating snail genjutsu you helped him design? Katatsumuri no Nikushoku? I will never be able to look at Tsunade-sama's Summon again without feeling sick. Our opponent threw up quite spectacularly before disembowelling himself by accident in hysteria."

"Oh, so he hasn't broken the news to you yet?" This is going to be _glorious_!

He adopts a grinning resignation akin to a shinobi willingly on a suicide run. "I can tell I'm going to need copious amounts of alcohol for this. What news?"

"Well, you're not already drowning your hysterics, so Itachi was obviously too preoccupied by self-disembowelling ninja. Did you know that some ancient laws recognise Itachi and I as legally married?"

 _"Technically!"_ Itachi hollers.

"..."

"You see..."

 _Crash!_

"I think you broke him," Hound muses serenely as he peers out of the open window. "The balcony on the floor below should be repairable though. I think. I dunno, I'm not a construction worker."

"That was funny," Yuyu _giggles_. I think I can see little sparkly flowers of glee dancing around her visor. Oh my god, she's adorable. Homicidally adorable, but the observation stands.

"I was just going to explain that since the thing of Resonation dates back to the Sage spreading the use of Active Chakra around, and is a quantifiable thing, some cultures deem it an entrenched and recognised legal institution, _on par_ with marriage. I'm pretty sure that in Sunagakure it's still a large and thriving part of their shinobi culture." I explain belatedly.

"Ani-chan!" A damp Itachi wanders back into the room, hair wrapped in a towel and dressed in some of my spare clothes. "Did you break my favourite cousin aga- Ohdearsweetmotherofmercy!"

"He did!" Yuyu affirms for me happily, seemingly not noticing or caring of a horror-struck Itachi's demeanour.

" _Sparkles,_ " Itachi whimpers quietly. Following his Sharingan-gaze, I see that Yuyu's stag-beetle-xenomorph has manifested. And is smiling; extremely toothily. Complete with a floating glittery silver cloud. Ah yes, Itachi hasn't observed Yuyu's unusual quirk, has he? At least he wasn't subjected to the scary version.

And that's when everything went downhill.

* * *

 _This is really gonna hurt._

Is my first thought as I eye the small expanse of blue rapidly approaching both myself and my reluctant sort-of passenger.

Of _course_ Shisui cratering the balcony in spectacular fashion would attract attention. And it wouldn't have been difficult to figure out from which direction such a missile might have come; namely, the flat above. And of course such an event would bring the owner of the balcony running upstairs to demand answers.

Enter Naruto Uzumaki, stage right.

Naruto being a Jinchuuriki equals Bijuu.

A Bijuu in close proximity to a powerful Aburame.

An Aburame old enough to remember the attack years ago and _react_ _accordingly_.

Compounded by the fact that I was also in close proximity to said Bijuu.

Which meant that the instinct of _retreat_ became _attack and retrieve ally_.

Namely _attack and retrieve ally with full force._

 _'The range of my kikaichu only expands to the edges of Hi no Kuni.'_

Oh shit.

 _Steel-eating_ kikaichu.

Fuckballs.

Therefore, I stand by my decision that the only appropriate response to an enraged midget with a pet ghost-xenomorph and several thousand metal-eating attack beetles bearing down on a small child was to snatch said child and launch us both out of the window.

The thought of actually _landing_ only occurred when we were about a hundred feet up; thanks to chakra bursts from the feet upon initial lift-off.

The fact that there happened to be a lake along our trajectory is only slight comfort. Because hitting water at this speed will definitely mean about fifty broken bones.

At least we'll be rescued practically immediately, given that Naruto has been screaming bloody murder the whole time, I've been flaring my chakra frantically and the outer wall of my apartment was just _reduced to dust._  
Actually, I think that might be Bear below us now.

I grab Naruto by the scruff and throw him, not an easy thing to do in mid-air, down towards said ANBU, who catches him neatly. Good.

Hey, maybe if I coat myself in chakra I can-

FWOOM

* * *

 **Breadcrumbs and Butterfly Wings**

"This is everything?" Inoichi eyed the thick folder lying in front of him.

"Monthly reports, conversation transcripts, photocopies of project work, our own personal theories and observations, notes on social interactions and also a borrowed Proofing copy of his and Itachi-kun's book," Hound rattled off as he and Bear nodded their assent.

"Right," Hohetou Hyuuga huffed, reaching for the folder. "Divide, read and relay then?"

The two ANBU, Inoichi, Ibiki and Hohetou each received a chunk of information and began pouring over it, relaying what they found to the others as they went. But one of the last pages was puzzling.

"You're absolutely sure this is word-for-word, Hound?" Ibiki grumbled.

"Yes, Morino-san. My Sharingan was active."

"I bet it was," Hohetou snorted. "I think I'm starting to remember those kids now; kunoichi-chibi had a newt summon, didn't she?"

"It didn't cope well with the Katon jutsu that got sent it's way though; but then it might have been a power play by Ame to show that they do have that martial resource despite, you know, all the civil unrest," Hound shrugged. "Regardless, it's Kimimaro-kun's inside knowledge that's the problem, isn't it?"

"No, it's the _goal_ ,"Ibiki stressed. "The _problem_ is this damn code he said it in. I've had a team go over the whole transcript forwards, backwards, sideways and inside out but we're getting nowhere!"

"It's not coded," Inoichi gritted his teeth, running his fingers through his hair. "At least, not in the way most people would think."

"You think that's really all he did? Actually, no, of course he would," Bear interjected.

"How didn't I _see_ it?! He has a thing for symbolism," Inoichi explained shortly to the baffled Hohetou and Ibiki. "And he doesn't have the capacity to alter his speech pattern on the fly, like you thought he was doing."

Hohetou grabbed a sheet of plain paper. "Gimme that back; I'll list key words and sentences...'"

 _'I hear that in Amegakure, the dead walk in fields of paper flowers.'_

 _'And the Child in Red was bathed in red and the blind giant stretched it's maw forth and it's tongue was a great serpent that stripped the souls of the mighty warriors. And the Child in Red looked upon the field he had seeded with red and felt the daggers in his back and proclaimed it good. And so the Child in Red grew up.'_

 _'I'm no good at acting...Acting a character, anyway...'So is the Child in Red. Or rather, so is the God in Red. The towers of Amegakure hold many secrets.''_

"The first section..." Bear mused. "Someone who is dead but not really. Someone who is figuratively dead in that they have a different mindset after a life-changing event?"

"Or who faked their death or were...are...presumed dead," Ibiki rumbled.

"Someone, or multiple someones, who are supposed to be dead, aren't," Hohetou confirmed as he wrote down their findings. "What about the 'paper flowers' bit?"

"Amegakure is a vertical city of metal; they don't have much in the way of actual flowers since the area is mostly wetland or lake," Hound added. "Ame no Kuni is known for exporting paper though; the abundance of reed-beds make a profitable natural resource."

"Could this person or persons have some notable connection or fondness for Origami then?" Inoichi proposed. "Perhaps that will help us track down someone who knows them from when they were 'alive'."

"Origami, possible," Hohetou scribbled aloud.

"Next section; Child in Red?" Bear announced.

"Connection to blood?" Inoichi asked.

"'The Child in Red was bathed in red', so yes but no," Hound corrected. "The child themselves is red."

"Hair," Ibiki proposed. "Actual distinguishing physical feature and can't be changed as easily as an outfit or such would be. Likely an Uzumaki."

"Giant-something, serpent-something, a lot of people are killed by said Uzumaki child; 'he seeded' indicates purposeful action," Hound continued. "This is starting to sound like a description of a Snap Event. 'Child in Red grew up' proves that there was an obvious psychological shift. That could be linked to 'acting a character'; hiding by pretending to be someone else?

"Into a 'God in Red'," Inoichi latched on. "You're absolutely sure it's 'god' and not 'kami'? Because 'god' has some nasty implications."

"Definitely 'god'," Hound confirmed. "What implications?"

"Kami are patron spirits of professions, concepts, places, things or select individuals; their power is restricted," Inoichi explained with a frantic edge to his voice. "Gods, or those known as gods, aren't. They have control over base laws of reality and can do as they please. The Sage of Six Paths, or the legendary Juubi he divided could be examples. Fuck, even if it's only someone on par with Hashirama Senju, the one named God of Shinobi, this is serious."

"Uzumaki kid has a Snap Event, kills some powerful people in the process or out of revenge, has a psych-shift and possibly awakens immeasurable power and/or a fucking Kekkei Mora and may also be currently faking his own death while hiding in Amegakure," Hohetou rattled off nonchalantly as he wrote.

"Would this person be an Ame-nin then, or just using the Village as a hiding place?" Bear asked. "No way that sort of power wouldn't attract notice."

"I'll send word to Jiraiya-sama, tell him what we've found and ask if he could dig something up," Inoichi rose to his feet.

"Hn," Ibiki grunted. "You'd be better off asking Tori-ue-sama. She can ferret out anyone without anyone knowing."

"Would you?" Inoichi begged in relief. "Your Shishou isn't exactly the most...approachable of people."

"She's _retired_ ," Ibiki rolled his eyes. "And you owe me big for this. She takes her retirement seriously."

* * *

 **Final Report**

"So, to review your year of probation," Inoichi shuffles a sheaf of papers.

"Disregarding your annoying of the T&I Department upon your initial arrival, you get attacked by Anko Mitarashi, get drunk while drinking with Anko Mitarashi, cadge taijutsu tutoring from Gai, befriend the Uchiha Clan Heir, get temporarily kidnapped, have several panic attacks, become a fiction author, acquire fangirls, attend a party disguised as a girl, annoy Jiraiya-sama into reviewing your sealing work, re-invent a recipe known as pasta, briefly go berserk after developing sinusitis, teach Itachi Uchiha the language known as English, traumatize a cell of Amegakure Genin, reverse engineer Sage Chakra, turn one of our ANBU into the second coming of the Mokuton, befriend your two ANBU watchers, break up with your companion Juugo, and punt _yourself_ into the lake. Any comments?"

"You forgot the bit where I helped Itachi create two new genjutsu techniques and one of the training grounds is now a prime source of mokuton-grown lumber. I found out that wrapping myself in chakra can safeguard against impact which I really should have deduced years ago. Also, Itachi considers me an older brother and we're also married-"

 _"Technically!"_ A distant shout filters through the walls.

"Fine, _technically_ married, though only under Sunagakure law, but in basic terms, we're Resonated.

But yeah, I think that covers everything. All in all, I think it's been a very productive year. Are you okay?"

"You are the most...passively infuriating child I have ever had the misfortune of meeting," Inoichi mumbles into his hands. "You have no sense of proportion."

"Actually, I've been really careful to not, you know, make waves?"

"All of this," he slaps the papers incredulously, "is you being...discrete?! What the hell can I expect now you have free reign then?!"

"Uhh, Itachi and I are going to keep writing stories, and I still have some ideas I want to try with seals? Also, working on my taijutsu-slash-kenjutsu-slash-kekkei-genkai."

"Hm. Speaking of your _discretion_ ," Inoichi leans forward, hands clasped and tone deadly serious. "Since you are neither stupid nor ignorant, I presume that you've noticed something about Naruto Uzumaki?"

"I had some theories, but that little incident where Aburame-chan got a bit upset and I ended up in the lake tipped me off to the truth. Fox, yes?"

"Your silence?"

"I'm not stupid. Given."

"Excellent." He leans back, apparently satisfied. "His condition is currently an S-class secret; death penalty.

* * *

Blood thunders in my ears. "What?"

Itachi nods.  
"It's the only thing that makes sense. Your soul and memories reincarnated from far in the future, where this time period is probably, most likely, documented in history books. Technology and inventions are more advanced than they are now, and you write our stories like you're remembering something already written. You're trying to change history, without ruining it, which is why you're so cautious yet always know exactly what to say to certain people.

Am I wrong?"

"Um...'" I croak. "That fits as close as anything. Yes, you're almost exactly right. And I am trying to change history. Well, I already have, but I'm doing it more."

Itachi hugs me. "So, Ani-chan," he stage-whispers into my ear. "How weird is it to be the honorary brother of a historical figure? If I'm even in the history books, of course?"

"I can't say too much," I mumble into his shoulder, "But you go down as one of history's most hailed, and reviled, heroes."  
My Itachi is different to the Itachi-That-Would-Have-Been. I can't think of how else to say it, especially as how the Massacre has yet to happen and might very well go down differently.

"Hero, huh?" He draws back a little, looking thoughtful. "I think I like the sound of that. As long as it's hero as in 'retired mostly intact with a large pay-check' and not 'died in the dirt like a dog for a cause'." He smiles; too wide.  
I can't stop a pensive look flitting through my eyes and he pales. "Oh... _fuck_."

The Massacre. A year away and already the wheels are in motion. I grab Itachi's wrists. "No! It _was_ the second option but hopefully if everything goes right, it should be the first one," I babble, pulling away and rubbing the back of my neck self-consciously. "Seriously, do you know how weird it was to have you and your mother turn up on my doorstep one morning?"

"No, no," he shakes his head. "You said you changed things for the better. What did I do in the original events; what did I do? What did I _not_ do? Fuck, same questions for everyone else involved?"

Dammit, he's fixated on it. "Itachi, no, stop it, look at me, look into my eyes and _listen_." I grab his cheeks, squishing his face and turning it towards me. "You are not him. You are not the same person you were before we met. You cannot make the same decisions. I know you want to be pragmatic, but you'd be working off false information and-"

"-false information is worse than none at all," Itachi burbles through compressed hamster cheeks. "I _know._ But I _shouldn't_ have to choose."

"There is always a third option, Itachi," I sigh, releasing him. "Even if it's the option of bowing out and disowning the problem."

"Says the guy who put himself through horrible suffering just so he'd have an insider advantage when it came to Orochimaru," he snorts. Fair enough, he has a point. "At least if I stay involved I have some control over the outcome."

"Hm," I acquiesce. "Though, speaking of hypocrisy, I've told you mine, you tell me yours. Prior knowledge aside, it's hard to pinpoint exact events, especially since I can only be in one place at a time."

"Hhhrrrrgggh!" Itachi groans, rubbing at his eyes and sitting down. "The entire Clan are IDIOTS! The ringleaders for the coup de tat especially, since their heads are stuck so far up their own asses it doesn't even occur to them that we are at a disadvantage, it'll cause the next Great Shinobi War and they don't even have a restructuring plan for the aftermath."

"Batshit suicidal Clan? Preaching to the choir mate." I sit down beside him, leaning against his shoulder. "Have peace talks failed yet? Has your double-agent work increased?"

"Yes and yes. But to be honest, I'm more annoyed than stressed. I mean, their mouths are moving and words come out and I'm standing there thinking; I am _related_ to these people. These people are _respected members of the Clan and community_ and they lower the IQ of the entire Uchiha Compound just by _breathing_! It's the only possible reason as to why most of the active shinobi are going along with this farce."

Hang on. "Only most?"

"Yeah. Quite a few of the retired and/or firmly-family-orientated shinobi are out of the loop peripherally. I mean, they know that tensions are high, but they don't know about the coup. All of the nominally-civilian members and children are the same. It's just the movers and shakers; the elite shinobi plus the Elders who are pushing the whole thing."

This is it! "Then the Hokage will probably go for assassination of the ringleaders as his last resort," I chip in. Then a thought occurs to me. "But since nobody else knows about the coup, it'll stir up claims of victimisation again. The other Clans might be convinced too; if the founding Clan of the Uchiha can be effectively beheaded just like _that_ at the Hokage's whim, they won't feel safe and start closing ranks."

"Except if they had a scapegoat. A traitor." Itachi adds on, voice dull. "When you said I become a hero, that's why I...'" his voice trails off, uncertain. "If I...I would gladly handle the blame, being cut off; being _damned_. But they're _mine_." A crack appears in his voice. "The whole Uchiha Clan are single-minded, pushy, overbearing, driven perfectionists and they're a _part_ of me. I'm a part of them.  
And the rest of the Village; my ANBU squad, they're my comrades, friends. If I kill their families, friends, comrades and fellow Villagers...  
I just don't think I could handle the _hate_."

What can I say to that? "I could never hate you."

"You say that."

"Nah; hate is effort."

"A Nara you are most certainly not, Ani-chan."

"Mmm-dunno, Erumi's not exactly like the rest of her Clan. Dear kami, imagine what a Nara with my sealing expertise could and probably would do."

"..."

"..."

"I am not sleeping tonight," Itachi shivers, an aura of gloom wrapping around his upper face.

* * *

 **Oh look; Pain. He's in this story.**

 **The closest match to Kimimaro's canon illness I could find that would still fit the story was Necrotizing Vasculitis, an autoimmune condition. Initial symptoms can be easily mistaken for other illnesses and later symptoms affect the brain and cause difficulties with swallowing, speaking or moving; fitting with 'moving only under willpower' from canon. It is treatable with a regime of medication.**

 **Now Shisui's default to dealing with Kimimaro is to Scott Pilgrim the window. And Itachi is half-right about Kimimaro's knowledge. Itachi is also in a much better headspace than canon, as is Kakashi, if simply through exposure.**

 _ **Next Time:**_

"I am this close to detaining you under suspicion of being an imposter."

"Nothing of the sort, Hokage-sama; I have simply had the chance for some serious introspection and self-evaluation."

...

"So you are the one who has caused so much trouble for me as of late."

...

"So he's dead then? Really _dead_?"

* * *

 **As always, I hope you enjoyed this Arc Finale.**

 **Please review your favourite moment/quote from the Arc and/or what(or _who_ :D) will happen next chapter.**


	16. Interlude: The Three Masters

**But hey, for every bad review I get, I get two saying that they enjoy the story and can't wait for more. So I continue writing. Plus, I enjoy writing this story and am looking forward to what the plot has in store in the future and your reactions to it.**

 **Not a lot of humour, but plenty of plot progression. Also, more chakra pseudo-science; it's very fun to write actually.**

 **Warnings for swearing and capslock.**

* * *

To my absolute shock, it's Toshiki of all people who accepts mine and Itachi's odd relationship the easiest and quickest.

"Oh, I thought it might be that," he nods obliquely. "Byakugan, you dolts," he responds to our stares. "I can't really explain it properly, but I can actually see your chakras reaching for each other and smoothing out. The Hyuuga have it pretty well-documented. It's...just how some people are and there's nothing inherently sexual about it."

" _Thank you_ , Toshiki!" I exclaim. "The rest of you can get your minds out the gutter, it's a lot more common than you'd think. Why did you think Kiri, who used to get their Genin to _kill_ each other, is full of bloodthirsty maniacs and/or nuke-nin?"

"Why don't they teach this stuff at the Academy; this is way more interesting than how to serve tea," Erumi grouches.

"Well, you can ask me all the questions you like while we help Juugo pack," I retort. Before she can open her mouth to grumble about effort, I cut her off. "If you don't complain, I'll lend you some of my notes." It works. Yay for Erumi's thirst for knowledge. "And turn out your pockets before you leave, you know how you are."

"Yeah yeah, I know, I know. I can't help it, y'know? It's how I am."

"And I'm attached to Itachi, so stop going on about it, it's how I am."

" _Fine_. I got it."

Chinsei meets us at the door, barking happily as he rears up and puts his paws on my shoulders. Juugo hurries up behind him. "Down! Down boy! Sorry, Kimimaro, guys."

"Sooo, since I've been a shitty friend-slash-roommate, I thought the least I could do was help you move your stuff," I explain. "These guys decided to pitch in just because."

His face twists in amused bafflement. "Thanks? But you do realise that I don't own all that much? It's literally just clothes, utensils, books and a few bits of furniture. And where's Yuyu? I thought she'd be here given how she's attached herself to you?"

"She's still grounded," Erumi shrugged as we filter into the hallway. "After her little tantrum she not only lost half of her Devourer hive - they weren't designed to process stone and plaster - but she's got to go straight home from the Academy. And her Grandmother is even scarier than she is."

"Does she do the-" Toshiki makes an odd snakelike roaring action above his head- " _thing,_ too?"

"Pfft. Like I'm that stupid to get her that angry at me."

As Juugo had said, he didn't have much to pack, and between us it was all sealed in scrolls in under half an hour. Erumi, however, is still eyeing my piles of notebooks.  
"How does one become...like you and Itachi are, anyway?" She asks. Ah, this I can explain.

"Well, chakra is a combination of Physical and Spiritual Energies. Physical Energy is produced by your cells and fuelled by food, water and aerobic respiration. Training your body improves these metabolisms and raises Physical Energy. Spiritual Energy comes from your knowledge, your ability to process information, but also general perception and self-awareness. You have to know who you are. That's where Resonating comes in."

"That's what you and Itachi are; Resonated is the term?" Toshiki confirms.

I nod. "Yes. You know that shinobi often have Snap Events, where mental trauma is so great that they lose all self-control and lash out, and when that happens, they can possibly go through a psych-shift. That's when, in their traumatised state, they lose their sense of who they are, causing their Spiritual Energy to destabilise, then happen across an idea or a person and rebuild their life around that. It can lead to some really weird partnerships between shinobi.

But say you have two shinobi, friends, who go through a Snap Event or equivalent trauma together. They each get damaged and lose their senses of self. But what they _do_ know is that they are friends. That fact becomes a mutual focal point upon which they pull themselves together. That means each of their senses of self is based on the other person, as is their Spiritual Energy, therefore their chakra. Feeling the other's chakra balances them, provides the focal point on which to calm themselves and rationalise. Sure, they don't need it constantly, but they do need it every so often.

So, yeah, that's Resonating. Me and Itachi. What's so funny?"

Juugo shakes his head, smiling. "Nothing. You're really good at explaining stuff, y'know? And you've got people to explain to. Just...no hard feelings. You did what you could and I shouldn't have expected from you what I did." He holds out his fist.

I smile. "Good to hear." We fist-bump.

"So!" Erumi interrupts, juggling the sealing scroll containing a stack of books. "We moving this stuff? You're going to have to show us the way Juugo, me and Toshiki don't have a clue where your new place is."

"Right," Juugo shakes himself. "Guess I should give you this back then?" He holds out the key to this apartment, but I push it back.

"Nah; keep it. Crash here if you need to, I don't mind." But he stuffs it into my hand.

"No, take it. Trust me, I think it's best if this place stays _yours_. You need somewhere private that's just yours and I need the clean break. Keep it."

I shrug; if that's how he wants it. I put it in my pocket. "Fair enough. Oh, and Erumi, you can keep the notebook with the purple cover, but put the rest back."

"Aw, nuts."

As we walk, I take the opportunity to ask Erumi something. "So, how do you know Yuyu's grandmother? I mean, you say she's a scary lady and I already know about her information network, so she's obviously busy, soooo...'"

She shoots me an odd sideways glance, as if assessing me. "Her network _found_ me; I'm not _from_ Konoha. My father made a mistake and he didn't even know I was the result until four years ago. Tori-ue-sama fostered me briefly as the guardianship went through."

Ah; Erumi's _half_ Nara. And the circumstances explain the genially distant relationship she has with her dad. "Huh, I'd never have guessed it. You're certainly smart enough for a full Nara-" she shoots me a _Look_ "-...observant enough then."

She relaxes, then sighs. "Flatterer. And thanks for the lend of the notes."

* * *

The Sandaime shook his head incredulously as he lit his pipe with a spark of chakra fire from a snap of his fingers.

"I'm glad, Kakashi. I'm sure Minato is too. You have your month's notice to appoint a replacement, of course, but congratulations on your retirement from ANBU. The young Kaguya crawl under your skin that much?"

In response, Kakashi's shoulders twitched awkwardly as a twisted smile tugged at his one visible eye. "Hm. Something like that. And that ties in nicely to my second request; I want him as my Apprentice."

The Hokage said nothing, did nothing, save take a deep lungful of smoke. "I see. Before I make my decision either way, I'd like to know how you plan to make that work."

"Sir, with all due respect, he's _wasted_ at the Academy. I've seen his report cards and observed him in class. He's far too advanced for any of the material and he has a maturity unmatched by any of his peers save a select few. One-on-one Apprenticeship is the best step and in skill balance, we're well matched. I'll teach him strategy, tactics, help him to refine and build his own jutsu, how to use Fuuinjutsu in combat settings."

A head nodded. "All good points. However, I want to be sure that you know that this cannot be an exclusive relationship. I need to put him on a three-Genin cell come the graduation of his current class in a year and a half."

Kakashi's stare was somewhat baffled. "Why would there be a need? I'll have taught him everything any Jonin could. He might even be Jonin by then."

The Sandaime exhaled a cloud of smoke in a long sigh. "Together with one other of his classmates, plus a third yet to be determined, they have the potential and the mindset to become one of the most fearsome teams since the Sannin."

A single eye blinked. "But that would never work; merging a higher-ranked Apprentice into a Genin cell can cause friction, as I well know. And whatever poor sap you appoint to lead them won't be able to cope with the difference in skill level."

"Hm," the Hokage chuckled. "Friction...possible but unlikely given from what I've heard. And I have plans in place to take care of their skill differences. But speaking of skill, I don't want you slacking off, Kakashi."

"Sir." Kakashi retorted in an aggrieved tone.

"No, no Kakashi, I meant that I need you to push your limits and reach your full potential. You are one of the best ANBU I have ever had, but you have let your more mainstream skills stagnate when we both know you could rival even myself in my prime." Reprimand over, his expression became weary. "After being hunted for being himself for so long, Kimimaro-kun deserves to be comfortable in his own skin. Orochimaru will come after him the moment he hears and you must be strong enough to defend your Apprentice as well as teach him how to defend himself."

"Of course; I'll put my all into it."

Hiruzen glanced up sharply.

"I am this close to detaining you under suspicion of being an imposter."

"Nothing of the sort, Hokage-sama; I have simply had the chance for some serious introspection and self-evaluation."

"Maybe I should start sending some of the more...fragile ANBU to room with him if this is the sort of affect he has."

Kakashi's eye creased in an aborted smirk. "I'd advise against it; Shisui Uchiha has been reduced to a high-functioning alcoholic already and he's one of the most relaxed we have. Although that might be because our little distributor of chaos and his eager enabler take special pleasure in tormenting him."

"Yes, Naru-kun was rather vocal about the destruction to his balcony. And the wall to Kimimaro-kun's apartment needed replacing as well, but at least her grandmother offered to foot the bill."

"Yes, yes, I was there, Hokage-sama. Can I have Kimimaro for my Apprentice or not?"

"Kakashi." The Sandaime's gaze is stern now. "Kimimaro-kun is an old soul trapped in the body and mind of a broken child. You yourself are broken, clinging to masks until even I can't tell what sort of Kakashi I'm talking to. You're asking me to put two fragile people together and I don't know if this isn't going to break you both. You need to be able to grow off of each other as people, not become co-dependant with each other's emotional issues."

By this point, Kakashi's shoulders were shaking visibly. "Sir. I don't know how to do that. I might not even be able. But I want to try. And Kimimaro deserves the protection and knowledge I can give him, if he'll have it."

A long silence followed as the Hokage contemplated, until; "I sincerely hope this works. Provisional, you understand?"

"Of course, Hokage-sama. Thank you, Hokage-sama."

* * *

"Yakuren-sensei, I'm being kidnapped."

Despite the utterly dry and deadpan delivery, the announcement nonetheless had Academy Sensei Isoko Yakuren spinning round from the blackboard with kunai in hand. The sight made her gape.

One of her most irritatingly competent students was slung like a sack of potatoes over the shoulder of an awkwardly cheerful Kakashi Hatake.  
"Sorry sensei-san, I'm borrowing your student, possibly permanently. The paperwork should be on your desk by the afternoon."

"Yakuren-sensei, thanks for everything, I guess. Well, I knew most of it already, but the effort was appreciated," Kimimaro added, reaching up to insistently prod the Jonin in the cheek. "Hey, Erumi? If I die, tell Itachi to avenge me. Yuyu, feel free to join in as long as the Village isn't levelled in the process; I like the scenery as it is."

"Stop that," Kakashi remarked, slapping away Kimimaro's poking finger. "You're not going to die, not on my watch."

"That's good, because if I died, I'd never speak to you again."

The pair disappeared in a Shunshin, scattered leaves drifting to the ground along with Hatake's parting remark.  
"Incorrigible brat...'"

"You know, if you wanted me to sort out your Sharingan, you could have just _asked_ ," Kimimaro huffed irritably once they reached the privacy of a packed-earth ground Kakashi knew very well. "I do actually quite like you, enough to do it for the sake of it."

"In actuality, I do want you an Apprentice, fixed Sharingan or not." That halted Kimimaro in his mental tracks.

"Oh...But why me specifically? Both of us aren't exactly...stable." Well, deja vu much. But that brought up his point.

"I know; that's partly why I want you. I'll teach you practical skills and protect you from Orochimaru, and you'll be my sounding board for some things I've been working on since you're smart enough to keep up with me." It works; Kimimaro is so used to authority figures having an agenda to exploit him that having one laid out for him puts him at ease and it saves an emotional blowout further down the line. A blowout which he himself is not emotionally equipped to help Kimimaro through, as last time demonstrated.

"Huh; yeah, I can go for that."

"Are you accepting the Apprenticeship then?"

Kimimaro rolled his eyes, looked to the sky and sighed deeply. "Yes. I'll be your Apprentice." Finally, he looked around and Kakashi could _see_ the wheels turning in his head with every twitch of muscle around the eyes and miniscule tilt of the head. "Where _are_ we?"

"Oh," Kakashi brushed the question off airily. "Some old private training ground that fell out of use. I'm the only one that really uses it anymore. Now, I want you to meet some good friends of mine."

Hand-seals.

Puff of smoke.

"Yo. Who's the kid?"

"I'm his new Apprentice," Kimimaro chipped in from where he's sat in the middle of Kakashi's pack and was immediately swarmed and scented thoroughly.  
"Sheesh, Kakashi, where'd you find this one?" Pakkun snorted, padding over. "He's barely out of his puppy years and he looks like he's been through a mangle."

"Inochi Saido who got away from Orochimaru when he could," Kakashi said discretely even as Kimimaro scratched Buru's ears, the massive black bulldog's hind paw pounding the ground reflexively. "He's pretty lively and friendly, considering, but he keeps his emotions to himself too much. Like I was. Like I still do, I guess."

Pakkun stared as they both steadfastly ignored the constant slurry babble of "Who's a good boy, hoozagoodboy yesyesyouare goodboygoodboy...'" coming from behind them.

"Well bite my tail and call me a squirrel," Pakkun mused, scratching his neck. "You finally realised that you need to remove the splinters from your coat before the wounds can heal. And you brought him _here_ of all places."

"Enough talk, Pakkun," Kakashi said, perhaps a little sharply, and the dog pack vanished back into smoke. Kimimaro was left sitting in the dust, clothes mussed and looking a bit put out at the abrupt departure.

"Awww...'"

"You'll see them again," Kakashi reassured. "For now though, I have a little challenge for you. This old training ground is attached to a disused house. Said house used to belong to a Jonin veteran of the first two Shinobi Wars and it's full of booby traps. I've removed the lethal ones, but the non-lethal and crippling ones are still there. I want you to disable all of them."

Not five minutes later, Kakashi smiled to himself as a torrent of swearing made it's way from the small, traditionally-built complex behind him, growing ever more diverse and bizarre.

"Son of a SHITSLUG!

SHITTYtittyFUCKfuckNOPE!

OH sweet Madara on a tricycle!

Stick a senbon THROUGH YOUR EARDRUM!

Boil your skull and DRINK your BRAIN AS SOUP!

WHAT SNOT-BRAINED SADIST PUTS THAT THERE?!

SON OF A SHARK-FUCKER!...'"

It continued on in that vein for quite a while, together with a light accompaniment of small explosions and billowing smoke. However, it stopped after a time and Kimimaro staggered back into view, slightly singed in places with a smattering of lightly-bleeding slices.

"You _asshole_!" He spat, only to freeze in fear. Kakashi ignored it, instead taking a slim wrist and pressing healing chakra to the small wounds.  
"Well done; you did a lot better than I expected."

"Yeah, well," he shifted nervously as his flesh slowly stitched itself closed. "What do want me to call you, anyway?"

"Shishou is traditional, but I'll accept Sensei if you prefer," Kakashi shrugged. "I'm not that big on tradition. And don't bother censoring yourself, I never planned on treating you like a child and I'm pretty thick-skinned as it is."

Kimimaro flexed his arms, testing the pull and give of the healed gashes before he relaxed, apparently satisfied. "Huh. Kakashi-shishou it is then. I kind of know how the Genin teams work out, but not Apprenticeships; I mean, what boundaries and expectations are there?"

Kakashi raised his eyebrow at the surprising lack of caution, "people usually ask those things _before_ agreeing?" Kimimaro's cheeks pinked a little.

"Well yeah, but I was pretty excited, you know? It's not every day you get Apprenticed to an ANBU, and a crazy-strong one at that."

"Hm. Well, considering your skillset and that you have a good understanding of all the basics, I'm going to be helping you develop your specialty and showing you ways to exploit and overcome the weaknesses and strengths of different opponents. All I want you to do is learn as much as you can, apply your knowledge and skills appropriately and try to trust me if you can.  
You're not ignorant, naïve or immature, so I'm going to treat you like more of a kohai than a true student, so don't be surprised if it seems like I'm treating you differently to other Apprenticeships you see around."

"Fair enough," Kimimaro sighed as he stretched. "And you can lord it over the peons that you have a more advanced Apprentice, right?"

Kakashi smiled, not that it was really that visible; his new student _did_ know him well.

"Exactly. Now, before we have to go and fill in some forms and get a photograph taken, let's get you kitted out." He headed toward the now disarmed house. "This place has a pretty extensive armoury with top quality metal."

Kimimaro scurried to walk beside him. "Um, Kakashi-shishou? Mail shirts hinder rather than help, considering my Kekkei Genkai. I kind of have all the weapons I need as well."

"Have you tried leather armour? And your Shikotsumyaku does cost you in both chakra and bodily resources, so you'll be practicing with the real deals as well as weapon care. Also, I believe you need at least basics in some of the more esoteric equipment. There are a few jutsu I think you'll find handy, but let's save those for the future."

"Cool. But can I go back and tell my friends that I'm okay at some point today? Otherwise they'll send a Search and Retrieval party out after me."

* * *

"So you are the one who has caused so much trouble for me as of late."

I glance hesitantly to the side to where Yuyu is sitting, then back, because Erumi is right; Yuyu's grandmother _is_ a scary lady.

While Yuyu is simply a midget, Kusatori Aburame is merely petite if I judge by the hands. The old-fashioned kosode with a dragonfly-like suhama pattern creates an austerely traditional image, as does the long-stemmed kiseru pipe. Iron-grey hair is pulled up into a bun stuck through with long steel kanzashi pins. Then, of course, there are the kikaichu. Kikaichu _everywhere._ Carapaces and wings glint in the shadows and if I look up, the whole ceiling is alive. And I have to mention the giant one that's sitting in her lap like a cat. All stumpy legs and horns with an odd pyramid-shaped body covered in fur...it's weirdly fascinating in a 'oddly cute freak of nature' kind of way. Not to mention that she has the same presence that the Sandaime has but not in a 'raw power' kind of way, more of a 'they will never find your body' kind of way.

And now she's accusing me of causing trouble, oh, I am screwed then.  
"Um, I plead unintentional? Other than that, can I get specifics?"

...I'm good at reading body language and I think she's amusedly tolerant?

She takes a long drag at her pipe, expelling a mist of fragrant-smelling smoke from her nostrils like a dragon before speaking. "The destruction of your apartment was the fault of my granddaughter and we have settled that between us. However, not only has Ibi-kun dared to pay me a visit thanks to information from you but my granddaughter has Claimed you. My, my."

"I was led to believe that the whole Queen Thing was not a bad thing."

"Oh, it isn't. But you don't really know what it involves or why it exists, do you? As Senior Queen it is my role to instruct both my successor and her first Soldier on the dynamic they are taking up. My, my."

I unseal a notebook and pen from my wrist, only to have them snatched from my hands.

"These are Clan Secrets," Kusatori-sama says sharply, Killing Intent pressing down on me. "They are not to be left lying about in written form or divulged to _anyone_." Fuck, she has a xenomorph Apparition too.

"Sorry, I'm sorry! I promise I won't let anything slip! But I don't know if I'll remember anything," I appeal, and she softens.

"My, my. Well then, child.  
I suppose the best place to start is to say that the kikaichu Aburame carry within our bodies can have certain impacts upon us. Namely, our offspring have an unbalanced Female-to-Male birth ratio, among other related difficulties. Hence our tendency to seek women outside of the Clan to bring them in. Born Females, in particular those with fully functioning reproductive organs, are rare; born once or perhaps twice a generation. Two of them, currently the only two, sit in this room now. My, my. A question?"

"Um, yeah, sorry if I'm skipping ahead here, but if kikaichu influence birth ratio, that makes the two of you really special to both Clan and kikaichu, right? Is that where the whole Soldier bit comes in?"

"You _are_ a quick one, child. My, my. Yes, gain an ability and pay a price. A Queen may control and use the kikaichu of any Aburame, regardless of permission or lack of. We can connect on a deeper level to kikaichu as well. But our price...our chakra reserves are truly pitiful. You are correct in that we collect Soldiers, instinctually, to defend us from attacks. We find the broken and give them a home and a heart to return to in exchange for their strength.  
You are my granddaughter's First, though she still insists on her foolishness of pursuing a Frontline career. My, my."

Yuyu is actually vibrating in barely-concealed anger beside me. I think that last comment touched a nerve. "Yuyu-kun's doing well enough in the practical classes, so I don't see a problem if she wants to go for Frontline?"

Underneath black spectacles, she fixes me with a scathing stare. "My, my. Silly child. Did I not just say that she is precious? That she does not have the chakra? Her talents are better put to use in Intel gathering and Communication on the back lines."

"Her kikaichu can eat through at least _walls_ ; I'm pretty sure anyone would balk at that. And since when did being a valuable commodity mean 'lock away from any conflict at all'? That's not stopping me from going on missions outside with Kakashi-shishou."

"My, my. If you cared about her, you would be agreeing with me, foolish whelp." Her tone is icy; oh lovely, I've just pissed off a powerful Aburame and apparently an Important one. Well, she pissed me off first, so fair game. But before I can open my mouth, Yuyu grabs me by the shoulder and hauls me bodily out of the room. She's unexpectedly strong for her size.

She doesn't stop dragging me until we're in an indoor garden lined with terrariums in the walls. "Scrawny old pigeon," she hisses. "Well, now you know how _precious_ and _weak_ I am, aren't you going to wrap me in cotton wool and stand guard over me?"

"You haven't asked me to," I shrug. She looks baffled, so I continue. "When you told me about the Queen Thing, y'know, before the whole 'punted into a lake' incident, you just said that you wanted my chakra every now and again and to track my health. As far as I'm concerned, you protect yourself until you ask for help."

"It's only because I'm so good at bioengineering my own specialised kikaichu that I even qualify for some of the practical Academy classes," she mumbles, taking off her visor and grinding at her eyes with the palm of her hand. I catch a glimpse of amber, before the visor is replaced. "I just need to work at it and I'll be a Frontliner _somehow_. And in the meantime, you go off with Kakashi-fucking-Hatake of all people. Do you _know_ how jealous I am right now?"

"Well, I bet you'll be a terrifying shinobi in your own way some day," I pacify. "His fighting style doesn't even match yours; Kakashi-shishou's direct and confusing at the same time while throwing out tons of chakra. You'd be best at sharp, direct strikes, in-and-out, terrorizing the enemy, wearing them down, sowing confusion."

"You really think I can do it?" She murmurs in wonderment.

"I prefer supporting you in what you want rather than merely protecting you. So considering that I'll be helping you, of course I think you can do it."

I get the sense that she's smiling broadly. "Hm. I want your Shishou's autograph."

" _Fine_."

* * *

"So he's dead then? Really _dead_?" Tayuya whispered to Kidomaru after Orochimaru-sama had stormed out. The spider-limbed child rubbed the bruising on his throat cautiously.

"Yeah," he keened softly. "And Kimimaro-senpai ran away 'cause he's a traitor; why would he leave us? We were all happy here and now he's gone and made Orochimaru-sama mad."

"Guess we're the Sound Ninja Four now," Sakon murmured. "I still can't believe Kabuto-senpai was defeated so easily. We all looked up to him," Ukon added from his brother's back.

"We all looked up to that bastard Kimimaro as well, even Kabuto!" Tayuya spat.

"Anyone know if we'll get someone to make us the Sound Five again?" Jirobo asked hesitantly. "Or if Orochimaru-sama will replace Kabuto-senpai?"

"He'll probably go through the Assets; to see if any of them are capable of taking on a leadership position," Ukon replied.

"Didn't Kabuto-senpai have it in for that one Asset because Orochimaru-sama took a liking to his mind?" Kidomaru perked up. "That guy's nice; it'll probably be him."

"You mean creepy," Jirobo shuddered. "I don't like his Clan Ability."

Tayuya turned on him."Hey, you got something against genjutsu, fatboy?!"

"Don't call me fat!" Jirobo roared back.

"I'll call you whatever I want, lard-ass!"

* * *

 **We officially have plot. Do you read me Houston? We have a plot!**

 **We have the fun and lighthearted Venture Arc, then we get into the juicy bits of the Uchiha Massacre and derailing canon a bit more, WOO!**

 _ **Next Time...**_

"-A wretched hive of scum and villainy ruled over by warring bloated and corrupt corporations?"

"...I was going to say a busy trading centre with a reputation for seedy activities, but that works too."

* * *

 **As always, read, enjoy and review if you can!**


	17. Venture: Quantum of Soliciting

***Checks watch* About...hmm, 10 months before the Massacre in canon. I need to kill some time and Kakashi and Kimimaro need some master-apprentice bonding. I guess some world-building would be nice as well.**

 **Obviously, the answer is a Mission Impossible/James Bond style Arc. Don't worry, I have the outline all planned out and it should be about 7/8 chapters at most, with fast updates because I know what I'm doing.**

 **Also, I have map of the Naruto-verse and have posted it on my Deviant Art. I would go and take a look if I were you, since you'll probably want t** **o know where some of the locations mentioned in this Arc are. I would put a hyperlink but FF keeps wiping it, so just go onto Deviant Art and search** slyfoxcub map **.**

* * *

 ** _Part 1: Quantum of Soliciting_**

 _'_ _Hi, Obito, Rin. Sensei, Kushina-san. I haven't really had much time to really talk, huh? Well, I know you'll be pleased to know that I'm getting out of ANBU. I know that you were so disappointed about me joining in the first place Sensei; you punched me in the face, Kushina-san. The fact is, I've started slipping. And stagnating. I thought I could keep my ANBU and personal personas separate, but they've started to bleed together. At times I've been cold and professional as Kakashi and casual as Hound. I need to get out, or I'll just end up creating more masks until all I am is a hollow shell with raw nerves, trauma and instinct inside._

 _I thought being ANBU would let me escape. Let me be someone else. Let me run away from my feelings. But I know now that denial doesn't let you heal._

 _I don't know if it's because he's an Inochi Saido, but despite all he's been through, Kimimaro's more put together that I've ever been. He's still scared though. Did you know that he had a flashback and I was the only one there to hold him? He calls me friend now. Are you proud, Rin? I can practically hear you laughing, Obito._

 _Kimimaro just seems to rub off on people, I don't even know how. Itachi used to be such a serious little thing and now he's a master of sarcasm. And Shisui's taken to drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Not for the stress, for dealing with Kimimaro. He threw himself out of the window one time. It was hilarious._  
 _I don't know; Kimimaro just likes to break the Universe as we know it. Tenzo's reaped the benefits though. Kimimaro saw that his potential didn't match up with his abilities and gave him a Curse Mark to fix it. You should have seen Danzo's face when he found out that his reject now had the chance to be the second coming of the Mokuton._

 _Look at me, gushing all over my student. I'm turning into Gai._

 _Yes, student. That shut you up, didn't it Obito?_

 _Not really a true Apprentice, Sensei, he's much too advanced for that. Like you were to me; someone to help him find his place. I'm just hoping I don't mess it all up, but unlike me, he does have friends to keep him on the right path. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to stop running; I've neglected my potential, stuck in ANBU._

 _I've run away from everything that damaged me, so I never healed._

 _I've done some thinking, and...I'm still angry. And I still don't know why. But all the same...I hope you're at peace, Father.'_

Kakashi turned away from the Memorial Stone, only to find Bear waiting behind him. "You're getting better at stealth; I almost didn't hear you."

"People say my chakra blends into the background now," Bear shrugged. "But I need your advice, senpai."

"What is it?"

In response, Bear swept out his cloak, revealing a sleeping Naruto Uzumaki wrapped around his middle like a baby monkey. " _Help!_ " Bear hissed.

"Why...?'"

"Ever since Kimimaro threw him at me, he's gone and attached himself to me. Literally, in some cases!" He swallowed nervously. "They say that the Shodai could calm the Bijuu and I'm not used to-" he twitched the shoulder where his Curse Mark was -"but I can't, I don't know how-'"

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose. "You've talked to him, haven't you, built up a rapport?"

Bear cringed. "I know, I know, remain detached and all, but I couldn't just _not_ communicate with him! He's been asking me questions about the Uzumaki Clan and, well, I thought, 'that's just history', so I told him what I read in the history books and now he's asking if I know his parents! I mean, it's obvious, but I didn't say anything, but I'll be dishonourably discharged! Transferred! Sold back to ROOT! I'm doomed! _Ow!_ "  
He jumped as Kakashi tapped him on the shoulder with a dash of Lightning chakra.

"Bear. Tenzo. I doubt you'll be punished; you're too valuable because of your abilities and that the kid's attached himself to you," Kakashi reassured. "I was going to nominate you to replace me as Captain, but I guess they'll want to keep you close to him. You might not even get missions outside the Village for a few years." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Tell you what, about the related thing. Just dump him in the cemeteries and tell him to find a marker that says Uzumaki, make a list, then ask the Hokage; pass the blame on."

"Oh! That's a great idea! Thanks, I'll make sure to do that," Bear practically gushed in relief. "And did you ever find out exactly how the Academy were screwing him over?"

Kakashi sighed and leaned against the Memorial Stone. "Orphans that enter the Academy get kicked out of the Orphanage and into the Student Dorms as a matter of course to become Wards of the Village. Since it creates space in the Orphanage and keeps the Village Wards in one place. But they're supposed to get Life Skills Classes; things like cleaning a house, basic cooking skills, getting their reading, Math and Basic Science up to speed.  
Unfortunately, Naruto _somehow_ got overlooked when it came to signing the new kids up for those lessons. They hadn't even explained to him that for the last three years of the Academy, you have to choose Electives, so not only was he already struggling with classwork and housework, he'd have been stuck in a rut for his last few years in the Academy."

"You got it sorted."

"Sojiro Hizaki was not expecting to be dragged from his bed. Nor was Sandaime-sama very happy at such a sorry state of affairs," Kakashi grinned with a tilt of the head. "And, speaking of students, I have an appointment with my own one."

* * *

You'd think that with such a defining feature as white hair, people would view you as pretty distinctive and unique.

However, since I started doing missions with Kakashi-shishou, I've gotten some speculative, assessing looks from people, mainly the civilians. I've also been asked whether I'm any relation to Jiraiya or even Tobirama Senju(ignorant swine, the man was albino).  
And the _face_ Shishou made when one old civilian lady said that he should be proud of his son...I will treasure that memory forever. Well, not that I could _see_ his face, but the blank whited-out eyes accompanied by an odd ellipsis knocking sound was a giveaway.

Itachi is very amused. Shisui took a bottle of sake out from somewhere on his person and swigged it liberally before bursting into hysterical laughter.

All jokes aside, Kakashi-shishou's a pretty good teacher when you're able to keep up with how he thinks. He's far more suited to coaching people already near his level which is likely why he comes off as a pretty sucky sensei in canon, before Shippuden specifically; he has that utter incomprehension of 'what do you mean you don't get it, I get it, so why don't you?'

The thing with never asking them what skills Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke actually have beyond the Bell Test before giving them D-ranks and only realizing they don't know Water Walking after the three of them fended off Zabuza and got nearly half-drowned in the process? Classic behaviour.

But seriously, once you get on his level, the man is a bloody _goldmine_ of skills. I also now own a set each of neko-te and tekko-kagi in some sort of high-quality steel alloy, courtesy of whoever owned that old house. Aside from that, I've had lessons of the Basics in swords, tonfa, rope-weapons and polearms. And Kyakujutsu...explosives-making.

Did you know that Greek Fire exists in this world? It's called Bluefire powder, but semantics, sch'mantics. Set fire to the rain! Actually, no. Set fire to the mist! Because of the dispersed particles of water, you get a wide-area short-term _inferno_. Well, since it's over so quickly, it would probably only burn off the top layer of any exposed skin but Kami help you if you have your eyes open. Seared. Literally.

On a solemn note, Bluefire powder contributed to the Fall of Uzushio. Iwa set a ring of sea burning around the island to prevent a mass evacuation. Obviously a few escapees got through, but still.

But _still_ , this is the day of my first mission outside of the Village. The butterflies in my stomach are Akimichi ones, I swear, because my intestines are being mashed into paté right now. I've checked and re-checked all my kit, I'm all stocked up on pretty much everything. At least if anything goes wrong, Kakashi-shishou's strong and skilled enough to get out of most things.

"It's only a C-rank, don't look so nervous," Shishou says over his shoulder as we walk into the Mission Room. "You'll be totally fine. Yo," he nods to the Chunin on one of the desks.

"Hi Iruka-sensei," I wave cursorily, still jittery from nerves. "First mission outside the Village, praying it all goes well, y'know?" Iruka's one of the few shinobi who isn't entirely convinced that I'm not related to Kakashi to some degree or another. He flashes me a polite smile, only for it to fall when Kakashi-shishou says his next words.

"The annual envoy mission to Benisu, if you please."

"Dear Kami, Hatake-san, you're taking him on a B-rank?!"

Naturally, the outburst draws the attention of everyone in a certain radius. Including me.

"You. Said. C-rank," I hiss sweetly at Kakashi-shishou, who merely rolls his eye.

"Oh please, this one's a regular and I've been on it before. It's C-rank _level_ , but listed as B because it's vital to the Village Economy and the nature of the place we're going to. Benisu's a-"

"-A wretched hive of scum and villainy ruled over by warring bloated and corrupt corporations?"

"...I was going to say a busy trading centre with a reputation for seedy activities, but that works too."

* * *

The sea is calm, a rich shimmering blue as gulls dip and sway in the high winds, fluffy white clouds scudding past in the bright azure sky. Ah, the glory of nature.

If only my aching body and slave-driver of a Master would give me the time to even consider appreciating it. Right now, as far as I'm concerned, Nature can shove it's much-vaunted beauty right up it's-

"Why did you _think_ we were taking the ferry rather than Water Walking?" Kakashi-shishou asks in exaggerated bemusement as he leans over my prone form.

"Nyuh...relaxation?"

"That would be wasting valuable training time. Good news, though, we're done for the day! Cooldown exercises, then we can go and wash off."

"Yay!"

"Oh, you've got that much energy left? Maybe I didn't push you hard enough."

"yay?..."

"Better."

Did I mention that we've been doing our training on the upper deck? And that we've drawn an audience? Since this is a ferry/cargo ship to Benisu Trading Kingdom, it's mostly farmers and other traders, with the obligatory smattering of crew members. The men are mainly observing in stony, interested silence, but the women, not to mention one or two of the men, aren't even being subtle about ogling Kakashi-shishou.

Since, because he's fair like that and also working on his own skills, he's getting in some training of his own while tutoring me.

And he's doing it topless.  
Well, I'm doing it topless as well and it's a reasonable measure because of all the sweating, but still; the fanservice taunting is just pure Trollery on his part. Bastard.

"Hang on," he says once we reach the showers-slash-toilets. He plucks the tag off of the back of my neck and a shudder runs through me as I shake off his chakra to show my scars. Because it can lead to much awkwardness and sometimes impulsive accusations when civilians are suddenly confronted with the evidence that the world doesn't care how young shinobi can be. It's just accepted as easier to hide or gloss over such things.

"I'm sure I got it right this time," Shishou murmurs, showing me the tag he'd taken off, and drawn much earlier.

"The discomfort isn't your fault," I reply, rubbing my nape. "It's just that having a net of foreign chakra coating your skin always feels a bit off."

"Ah; makes sense."

The showers/toilets are really no more than two small rectangular cubicles with a drain in the floor and a large-ish tank just above your head and a pump handle in the wall. Pump the handle and seawater gets drawn into the tank. Pull a handle on the bottom of the tank and the water gushes out of a small sprinkler head. The water is always freezing cold, by the way. Oh, and it's still seawater; make sure you keep your eyes closed.

Fortunately, both of the two cubicles are available when we get there.

"When do we dock?" I ask to Kakashi-shishou in the next cubicle as we both preoccupy ourselves.

"Tomorrow, but early in the morning before sunrise; it gives all the arriving traders time to sort their permits and wares out before the morning rush. Despite the fact that Benisu is the City that Never Sleeps. Aaahahaargh! Ooh, that water's cold!"

"So there's no real point in getting a full sleep if there's only a few hours until we need to go and get that document signed? Aaha! Coldcoldcoldcold...'"

"No. Literally just walk into the guy's office, get him to sign it, wait a few hours for all the bits to be filed appropriately, then we're done. See? C-rank."

Finished, I wrap myself in a towel. "What're we going to do to kill the time 'til then?" Kakashi emerges too.

"Well, I kind of want to talk about your Henge technique. You use the D-ranked ninjutsu one not the E-ranked genjutsu one, don't you?"

"Heh, yeah. Can't do genjutsu and with the ninjutsu version you don't have to constantly maintain it with chakra and focus. A simple Holding Seal tag stops other people dispelling it, as I showed you when I taught you how to draw it."

"I was thinking about teaching you the Forced Transformation ninjutsu; it's C-rank, but I'd like to start you off on constant use to stretch your reserves. Plus, it can be kind of fun to turn other people into things."

"Hell. Yes." I can only breathe. "Please."

His response is to throw a pair of wool gloves in my face. "After the mission. Now get dressed and keep working on training your chakra Nature into Lightning."

* * *

Benisu is actually kind of beautiful at night; all the bright lights shining out into the black and reflecting off of all the tall towers lined with massive glass windows.

I'm struck with an almost tangible sense of deja vu as the soaring pagodas are almost overlaid with shining, sheer rectangular buildings. I shake it off quickly, but Kakashi-shishou hears my gasp of surprise.  
"Something wrong?"

"No," I shake my head. "Just...memories. _Old_ memories. Pretty strong too; I could almost _see_ it."

"You going to be able to focus on the mission?"

"Yeah yeah, it was just the view of the city from the water that got me. I'm fine."

The docks are loud, even at this time of night. Tread-wheel cranes lift bulk cargoes and crates from the decks, powered by the massive, steady hoof falls of heavy horses. Their harnesses jingle as their caretakers stand beside the wheels, urging them on or to stop with soft, ululating cries that are almost lost among the bustle and grind of carts and shouts and songs of voices of every pitch, cadence and rhythm.

"Kakashi-shishou, how long's it going to take us to get to city centre?" I ask as our ship sounds it's horn and begins disgorging passengers.

"Ah, five minutes at a Shunshin. Why?" He hops onto the ship's railing to avoid a crush between a soup-seller and a trader with dozens of wicker bird-cages strapped all over his body. I join him; I'm less likely to get knocked about and trampled underfoot that way.  
"Well, the trading company we're going to can't be open yet, surely? It's just that I've got a bit of spending money on me and I wanted to buy Yuyu-kun and my friends something."

"Sorry kid. City that Never Sleeps, not to mention this is prime-time for doling out permits. It'll be open. Save the spending spree for afterwards; we'll take the scenic route back here anyway because there's some unused beaches we can use to practice a bit of jutsu and I need to talk to a contact here. And speaking of your friends, doesn't it bother you how Yuyu Aburame spouts off those bizarre threats?" He hops off the railing down onto the jetty and I follow, shrugging.

"Well, no. I figure that she's comfortable that I won't get frightened, so that's why she uses them. It's kind of sweet, in a way."

Kakashi-shishou has this odd, bemused smirk to his eye. "Like how Itachi-kun annoys you?"

"Uh, no," I explain slowly. "YuYu's showing how much she trusts me. Itachi's just trying to get my attention; and succeeding."

"Sooo, she already _has_ your attention?" I think he's got something in his eye; it's twitching like crazy.

"Duh; her kikaichu can eat through walls and I guess I'm kinda sworn to her service, or something like that? I'd be crazy if I didn't pay attention to her."

"Like Itachi isn't dangerou- Y'know what?" Kakashi-shishou cuts himself off and sighs, a fake bead of sweat falling down his forehead. "Leaving for the office building now, keep up!"

* * *

Kakashi-shishou slides an official-looking scroll across the desk of the CEO of Aokimo Cargo Inc.;I didn't know our mission was so important to warrant going up to the head honcho directly.  
"The annual renewal of the Konohagakure no Sato agreement for transportation of medicinal supplies and metal goods, exchanged for lumber, alcohol and minerals."

The man, one Kou Michiru, smiles graciously. "Of course; this company is always glad to do business with Konohagakure. We thank you for making the trip out here, ah...'"

"Kakashi Hatake, my Apprentice Kimimaro Kaguya," Shishou introduces us. "No relation," he adds as an afterthought, having seen Michiru-san's little double-take as we entered the room.

"A pleasure to meet you both," his 100-watt smile drops a notch. "Though, I'm afraid I must inconvenience you. The agreement requires the signature of my Head of Staff and he is currently unavoidably detained down at the warehouses for the day. I don't know when he'll be back. If I could trouble you to go to him and have him read it over before the deal can be sealed, I would be most grateful."

"Of course, Michiru-san. We shall leave immediately."

* * *

I notice something as we near the Outward-bound docks, coming up to the Out-Warehouse section of the island. "Hey, why are the crane horses out of their tread-wheels?"  
A split-second later, Kakashi shoves me behind him and pulls us both into an alleyway.  
"Henge! Now!" He hisses.

Caught off guard, I instinctively use the Henge I've been working on much to Itachi's amusement and in response to the 'mistaken relation' thing with Kakashi-shishou.  
Turning back around from checking the street, Shishou takes one look at me and double-takes so hard as to promptly bash his head against the wall with the force of the whiplash.

I'm smaller, softer; about four years old. My white hair now has a silvery tinge and is slightly fluffy instead of lying flat, my zig-zag parting removed. With the red markings gone completely along with my scars, my face looks more open. Eyes are a different shape; a little rounder and dark now, almost black instead of light green. In short, I look _exactly_ like his kid.  
Sure, sure, anyone with a brain would figure out that I would therefore have to have been conceived when Kakashi was barely sixteen, making it a bit skeevy if perfectly legal, since age of consent is fifteen. But the point stands that it _is_ feasible and shock does the rest.

As it just did to Kakashi-shishou. He's currently breathing heavily, visibly trying not to look at me but still doing so in some sort of morbid fascination. "Kami- _fucking_ -dammit!" He growls to himself. "You...obviously you're meant to be mine but bloody _hell_ if you don't look like my father when he was a kid."

That...that was not the exclamation I was expecting. "Sakumo Hatake, right? I wasn't trying for that, I just- sorry- and it was the first form I thought of when you pulled us in here, since I've been working on it so much. I'm sorry if I brought up any...memories."

"No, s'fine," he mutters. "Just...turn your eyes green again, or I won't be able to focus." I do so, and he relaxes. "Good. Thank you. Now, take a look out there; that's why I asked you to Henge."

Of course, I immediately see what's got him so concerned. But even so, my eyes are instead drawn to the writing printed on the hi-viz vests of the hired security around them, stopping the cargo being loaded onto the Aokimo company ships.

"Kiri-nin," Kakashi-shishou murmurs, even as I read ' _Gatou Shipping co._ '.

Simple C-rank-level my _left foot._


	18. Venture: Croc Royale

**Warning for annoying accents? Trust me, I'm the one who had to type it.**

 **Also Worldbuilding, rated M for Made-up Cultures.**

 ** _Part 2: Croc Royale_**

Michiru-san double-takes even harder when Kakashi-shishou dumps me, still Henged as his possible-child, on the carpet of his office.

"Change back, kid, you're confusing him." A poof of smoke and I'm back to normal again.

"Ah. I am sorry for the deception," Michiru-san explains a tad sheepishly. "But as you can see, Aokimo Inc. has been crippled by that swine Gatou. If we can't resume shipping soon...we're already haemorrhaging stock market value and soon Gatou will be able to absorb our assets. Myself and several other employees will most likely be found with daggers in our backs and the land and buildings will be his along with our routes and suppliers. He's taking over the island piece by piece."

Well, isn't that a mess? I turn to Kakashi. "Being objective here, no offence Michiru-san, but why doesn't Konoha get another company?"

"Aokimo is reliable, we have a long history with the company and it's pretty much the most reputable. Gatou, on the other hand, is known to be side-lining in Flesh and drug trafficking."

"So why isn't he dead yet?"

"Scumbag he might be, but he's good at cover-ups. No paper trail, no evidence that civilian courts can verify, no kill orders. If anyone bought an assassination mission, they'd be the ones prosecuted for murder."

"So we're getting the Aokimo ships up and running?"

"Yes. Looks like this is a B-rank after all." Kakashi-shishou suddenly looks up at Michiru-san. "Although, why hasn't the Harbourmaster stepped in?"

The polite, smiley façade cracks a little more. "When no move was made and no answer was forthcoming, I pleaded to speak with her, for...old times' sake. Her position wasn't all that consolidated before Gatou made his move and now it seems he has blackmail on her...'"

Kakashi-shishou calculates something in his head. "Contact the Harbourmaster somehow, found what he's got on her, steal it back, let her know so she can kick Gatou out, and do it all while avoiding the Kiri-nin. Sounds good to me."

I speak up now. "Michiru-san, you said you know her well. Do you know of any way we could sneak in a message?" But he shakes his head.

"Apologies, it was rather long ago; we were both young. Our circumstances have changed since then. However, she did announce a Business Gala to take place tomorrow night, which is very unexpected. Regardless, Gatou knows every CEO on Benisu, so he'd notice anyone new. But there is a contingent from the Land of Ships, specifically the Bonecrack Archipelago, you could sneak in amongst. I don't know how well they'd take that proposition though."

I don't like the gleam in Shishou's eye and my snarky-bastard senses are tingling. "How do you feel about endearing yourself to some people with your usual infectious personality?"

"Infectious?"

"Brat, you are the cold-virus of annoying friendship."

* * *

"I know I changed my eyes to brown and all, but are you sure you want me to keep this particular form?" I ask as I scurry to keep un with Kakashi-shishou's now relatively _much_ longer strides. I'm barely on eye-level with his hip and I've decided that I don't really like being short.

"I'm sure. It's a very detailed Henge, since you've spent so much time in it and are accustomed to moving in it. Also, it's not outrageously strange-looking as some make the mistake, but not too normal that they'll be able to focus on any discrepancies. Speaking of which...'" he trails off, eye glancing around the surrounding stalls speculatively.

He's changed himself as well.  
His slightly-darker grey hair no longer sticks up but falls down the back of his neck in long spikes to barely brush his shoulders, the part that his forehead plate would usually keep out of his eyes now falling down one side to hide his scarred eye, his other eye now hazel. His mask has been replaced by a bandanna and his clothes are casual now; all the stuff from his pouches are now in a storage seal he had me draw on his wrist.

"Here you go."  
I'm distracted from my musings by something soft and vaguely fluffy being thrust in my face. I grab it and lower it to see what it is.

What the hell?...'

"Shishou? You bought me a toy wolf."

"Excellent powers of observation."

"Haha, but...Why?"

"The way you hold yourself, your poise, just screams shinobi, not civilian. Holding a toy will offset some of that by forcing you to change your stance and it'll divert suspicion away from you. Plus, I get more cute blackmail photos of you. Oh, and you shouldn't call me Shishou, since we're pretending to be related."

It is...kinda cute, I guess? I never really got the point of cuddly toys, with the exception of Heart Crystal Toys because the chakra theory behind them is really interesting and they can have the secondary purpose of medical equipment. I can live with this one though, just for the mission.  
"Fine, _Kashi-chichi_ ," I say dryly. "Carry me."

He causes in mid-step. "Excuse me?"

"Your four-year-old son's legs are small and starting to get tired and he doesn't like being crowded by the legs of strange people. Carry me," I deadpan drily. "Also, _somebody_ said 'simple C-rank so don't bother sleeping', so I am very tired and I am a growing boy who needs my rest."  
I can do Passive-Aggression too. Now to break out my final weapon.

Biting my lower lip in nervous shyness, I look up at Kakashi-shishou and, with a carefully calculated almost-tremor in my voice..." _Pleeeeease_?" Puppy-Eyes, go!

"Nice try brat," he ruffles my hair. "My ninken have tried that so many times, I've built up an immunity. I'm not carrying you."

Foiled again! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you cute-mongering dogs!

* * *

I nearly have a heart attack when I see a Suna-nin loitering by one of the stalls, and I practically have a second when Kakashi wanders over to ask them something. Worse, I'm dragged along with him. Luckily, I have every excuse to act shy and promptly adhere myself to his leg. Haha, revenge!

The Suna kunoichi is very ordinary-looking aside from being a bit on the slender side with a heavy bead necklace around her neck, but that doesn't stop Kakashi from complimenting her and them casually flirting with each other shamelessly. Finally, she laughs, slapping him on the shoulder good-naturedly. "Sorry, I've got a man and I'm an exclusive kinda girl, even if you've got big brass ones to try your chances with a Suna-nin so persistently. Plus, you've got a kid with you and he looks terrified half out of his wits at the sight of me; good instincts, he'll go far. Anyway...'"

She puts a finger and thumb to her lips and whistles a harsh, four-note heads-up and two whitish-coloured figures slip out of the crowd. Oh...they're Tenkakera People, Heaven Shard folk. I've only read about them or seen photos. They're from the cold tundra North of Kaze no Kuni and pretty self-sufficient, so they don't usually trade with anyone other than Kaze no Kuni settlements. Things must be bad if they're branching out to other places. Or good, I wouldn't know.

"Ya _shamoss_ ya-self a _vokeny_ , Ikoi-san? Urayama-san won' be happy, zura," One of them remarks, his accent thick and peppered with slang as his broad, teasing smile practically glows white against his black face-paint. It's a very odd intonation, cutting and slurring words in odd places. And the slang words pronounce and follow very similar phonemes to English.

In short, it's _very_ disconcerting.

Ikoi pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Daiki, cut the crap and at least try and make yourself intelligible? Asuka, these two need to speak with the Wanitei fleet. Know where they're anchored?"

"Ah, c'mawn Ikoi-san, don' git _oggi_ , zura," Daiki whines, only for Ikoi to grab his ear through his hood. "ATATatata! M'sorry, kay?" His accent drops a fair amount and the slang is gone.  
"Me an Asuka 'll tek'm over. Wanitei are sittin' pretty all out on their lonesome but they's got some taraibune for ferryin' folks for talkin', zura. Now leggo o' my ear woman, 'm losin' all circulation."

The one called Asuka steps forward. "No, I'll tek'm by ma-self." Oh, she's a she. It's impossible to tell under the cloak and bulky clothing.  
"Won' tek long. Keep that _jablist_ in check fo'me. C'mon, ya two. I'll show ya where the taraibune are moored. Ya can mek ya own way fr'm there."

We follow as her cloak swishes in front of us, the hoops in the rabbit-like ears of her hood jangling softly. I take the chance to look back over my shoulder and see Ikoi and Daiki still bickering, but now I can see that the back of Daiki's cloak is _beautifully_ embroidered in shimmery bronzes and greys with a sun rising over a mountain, a crab and what could possibly be an abstract Dragon.  
Asuka doesn't have any embroidery at all, but she does have a large jointed shoulder guard made from what could be cured leather and with every other stride, the tip of a sword-sheath pokes out of the bottom of the left side of her cloak.

"'M sorry if'n we scared ya littl' un," she throws a comment back over her shoulder as we round a corner. "No' many people don' find us odd-like."

"It's fine, Asuka-san," Kakashi replies, surreptitiously prying me off of his leg to make me walk beside him. "I think he's just a bit overwhelmed by all the strange people. _Walk properly, I swear to Kami...',_ " he hisses down at me.

I think Asuka-san has a quirk of a fond smile about her lips and Kakashi-shishou picks up on it. "I'm sorry for causing a scene."

"Nah, not at'all. Mah own littl' un's a smidge older 'n still hides fr'm strangers." She stops, and points down, and we halt in our progress along the sea-front. "Taraibune down th're. Wanitei ou' th're," she points out. "Do'ble-hull Junker, can' miss it. I'll bid ya good sailin' an' a bright sky."

With that abrupt farewell, she turns and slinks away before Kakashi-shishou can utter a word of thanks.

Undeterred, Shishou grabs me by the ear and leads me down the steps to the large taraibune coracles, dumping us both in one. "What the _hell_ are you playing at?" He snaps. "There's a line between maintaining your cover and sabotaging mine, and you're threatening to cross it!"

"Maybe, if someone would actually give me the _details_ , I would have been able to do more than panic internally when you start chatting up a _Suna kunoichi_! What happened to 'slip down to the docks and find the Bonecrack Archipelago delegation discreetly'? Flirting in the middle of the street is not _discreet_! It _certainly_ wasn't in the plan," I growl back.

"Missions call for adaptability," he sighs impatiently as he unties the taraibune coracle from it's moorings. "If you think you need the safety net of rigid rules and regulations, then maybe you'd be better suited to a desk job in Intel."

I gape. How can he _say_ that? "No, I just like to be _included_ into things that involve me," I spit. "There's a line between going with the flow and leaving me in the dark, and you're threatening to cross it!"

" _Fine,_ " he bites, pushing the coracle away from the dock and into deep water, digging at the sea with the paddle in a furious sort of way. "How about this then? We're going to meet the Wanitei. You will let me do the talking. You will comport yourself with dignity. Clear?"

" _Crystal_ , Shishou."

There's a long awkward period of silence as Kakashi paddles. Then, he sighs. "This is a control thing, isn't it? I'm sorry."

"Hwah?" I grunt in surprise at the apology out of the blue.

"You have the need to know exactly what you're doing and what's required of you. I'm sorry for making you panic like that. I'm...trying to work on some things."

He...he really is changing from canon for the better. "Apology accepted," I grace him with a smile. "I'm sorry for overreacting."

"Thank you. All the same, my instructions about meeting the Wanitei still stand. Seriously, I know a few things about their culture from a colleague."

"Who?"

"Ever wonder where Kurenai Yuuhi's red eyes, wavy black hair and dress sense comes from? Her grandfather was a Wanitei who chose to stay in Konoha."

As that little titbit is digested, our coracle pulls up to a truly massive catamaran-hulled Djong-type warship rigged with twin junk sails. The sails are a dappled red-green that catch the high morning light as they splay out like the hiss of a frill-necked lizard. Surrounding the main ship are a flurry of lateen-rigged dhows and bobbing coracles like ours.

A dhow pulls up alongside us as we near the hull of the mothership, one of the crew leaning over the side.  
"Ahoy t'visitors? Who're you looking for?"

Kakashi-shishou waves up; "I must speak with the Ane-ue, we need her help!"

The crewman stands back, running his fingers through his curly black hair. "Uh. Yeah, she should be free. Go right up, someone'll show you t' chamber. And don't even t'ink about trying anyt'ing, or we'll feed you t' Ani-ue."

That definitely sounds ominous.

* * *

We're led down into the centre of the mothership, lanterns of glass and twisted iron lighting the way. The walls are reminiscent of traditional paper doors, but made of fish-skin leather and with strings of sea-glass fragments hanging from the struts.

Other merchants are led into these rooms by Wanitei wearing colourfully dyed headscarves; business meetings, no doubt. But we are led further and further by our guide-slash-guard, who met us on the main deck. He's set apart from the crews outside and the headscarf-wearers by his wearing gauntlets and a wide collar made of interlocking thorn-like bony plates, almost like the scales of some massive reptile. A tri-pronged fishing spear with nasty, backwards pointing barbs rests across his back.

He slams his fist twice in quick succession against the wooden door at the end of the corridor, before pushing it open and ushering us in. He himself enters behind us.

This large central chamber is...not dimly lit, the lanterns are bright enough; but even they aren't enough to penetrate the shadows cloaking the rafters and beyond. Boxes, chests and treasures spill across the sides of the room, creating a central pathway to the occupant at the end. A group of Wanitei perch atop these stacks of riches like so many sunbathing lizards, clad as they are in scaly leather.

Their Ane-ue, as their leader is called apparently, one Chinatsu-sama, sits on a raised platform at the end. Her one-sided linen shirt clearly bares her most striking feature; that being an ugly knotted star of scar tissue in place of her right breast. Brightly coloured strips of cloth are wrapped around the braids of her parted bangs, one side pinned back with a simple gold comb, the rest of her thick black waves pulled up into a high ponytail; the end of which barely brushes the same thorny collar as the guard. One hand rests lightly on the sheathed sword lying in front of her.

This is probably a good time to mention that the rest of the Wanitei that have been seen so far are wearing their native dress. There's nothing wrong in that, of course, but it seems that the Wanitei culture has very different views on how much skin exposure constitutes public indecency. Oh, men being topless is nothing new for anybody, but the women being topless looks like more of personal choice or comfort-slash-practicality than any social convention or lack thereof.

I am so thankful right now that puberty hasn't kicked in yet, otherwise I wouldn't be able to focus. Kakashi-shishou is keeping his gaze rigidly fixed at eye-level.

There is also the matter of the crocodile in the room. No, I'm not mangling a euphemism, there is literally a crocodile in the room, a Wani, to be specific.  
Because, I don't know what happened to this planet, but it definitely had dinosaurs and for whatever reason, some saurian traits were preserved in various reptile species. For example, crocodiles are mostly the same as what I remember, but Wani crocodiles have no webbing on their feet, a split-tail a bit like that of a small shark, and back and head armour like an ankylosaurus with one central spike kind of shaped like a shark fin. Explains where those collars and gauntlets come from. They're apparently as smart as cats, but I for one don't want to test that on the 21ft specimen currently lounging behind the Wanitei leader.

"Which ship or company are you from?" Chinatsu-sama asks curtly, no accent to her voice. "And what business do you have with us?"

"We wish to hide among your crew," Kakashi-shishou states flatly, not even bothering to lie. "We need to attend the Business Gala and speak to the Harbourmaster without Gatou knowing."

Her red eyes narrow. "Shinobi. Remove your guises." Her hand moves to clasp her sword.

I look at Shishou, but he just meets my eyes and gives me a nod of affirmation. We dispel our Henges, removing the Holding Seals from our necks. Immediately, Chinatsu looks straight at me, then to Kakashi.  
"You really are a child. And I thought you had all perished, Hata-"

"Hata _ke_ ," Shishou stresses urgently. "I didn't realise that people still remembered that. Besides, I'm as good as the last one now."

"Lightning does not die, Lost one," she says firmly. "Is this child not-"

" _No_." He grumbles.

"Last of the Kaguya Clan, hi," I wave. "No relation. At all. But it is funny to see people double-take." I can't help but falter at her intense gaze as she looks me up and down.

"Normally, I disapprove of shinobi bringing along children like errant pets. But I can see that you have already been blooded, at so young an age. Tell me, do you not wish to escape from this life?"

"I'm hunted merely for existing," I explain haltingly. "And I have a responsibility to those who now rely on my strength. To run away would be the cowards way out. And are you going to stand by and let Gatou take over, or will you help us?"

Chinatsu grins. "What say you, my imouto?" She calls to the other Wanitei lounging about the shadows of the room. "Do we hide the hunters or no?"

"Less competition from those metal ships of his," One man calls out, leaning on a naginata. "I say 'ide them."  
"We'll lose t' trust of t' other traders, I vote no." A woman shouts down from a ledge.

"They didn't lie t' us about their intentions, hide them."

"As Bitesize down there said, t' run is t' coward's way. I'm no coward," the guard grins at us from our left, at me specifically.

"Gatou's bad news, anything 'at hurts 'im is good in my book. Hide 'em."

More and more pipe up in our favour, most notably focusing on the fact that we didn't lie or bluff our reasons. Strange that they value truth and straightforwardness, and Kurenai's a _genjutsu_ mistress. Still, Kakashi's knowledge really saved us this time. He's being a lot more open as well. I doubt I'll get him to spill everything fully, but he's out of ANBU and _that_ high-stress environment and seems to have decided that I deserve protecting and teaching.  
I still don't know how I feel about that last part. I know that he does see me as my own person, not a replacement Obito, Rin or Minato; I'm not his atonement by proxy. I'm grateful for the teaching, I really am, I'm learning so much. And it is very nice to have someone looking out for me; a similar warm-squishy feeling blooms in my chest as when Yuyu sighs and huffs about how stupid I am and that I need to take better care of myself. I think this is what it's like to have an older brother.

But what was with the 'sounding-board' comment when he took me on? And how come nobody else uses stuff from that old house?  
What's with Kakashi-shishou's name _not_ being Hata _ke_? I reckoned there was a Clan of sorts and maybe him and Sakumo were the last, but what's with him being _as good as_ the last one?

The Wani _shifts_.

As the aforementioned monstrous reptile heaves itself to it's feet with surprising speed and grace, naturally, all eyes turn to look. Predator-prey instinct and all. Chinatsu-sama doesn't bother moving herself though, instead simply smiling and patting it's neck. It opens it's jaws a crack, a hiss of mildly fetid air escaping. "Our Ani-ue wish to hunt, then?" Chinatsu-sama croons. "Maybe, maybe, soon. We won't suffer that parasite Gatou for much longer."  
She turns back to us.

"It is decided. You shall hide among my delegation to the Business Gala, so that you may talk to the Harbourmaster with the intention of removing Gatou from power."

We both bow low. "We thank you, Chinatsu-Ane-sama," Kakashi-shishou sighs gratefully. "With your permission, we would leave now, disguised, to make some final arrangements."

She waves us away, dismissively. "Do what you must."

Henges reapplied, Kakashi-shishou slaps the Holding Seal back onto my neck, activating it for me. As I've said before, having a net of a foreign chakra wrapped around your own chakra that's coating and compressing your skin is very odd. I much prefer to do it myself, but he insists that he needs the practice in drawing and applying them.

Before he can redo his Seal tag though, there's the sound of yelling, and the thundering of feet. Everyone pauses. The guard pushes possible-Hatake-child-me behind him with a grunt of "you're supposed t' be a kid now, Bitesize, and this is my job, not yours."

Kakashi-shishou draws a kunai from the storage seal on his wrist with a hiss. "Shinobi."

The door slams open, shuddering on it's hinges, the lantern-light glinting off of Kirigakure forehead-plates. All four of them.

* * *

 **A picture of Asuka and Daiki is up on my Deviant art, as is a picture of a Wani, for reference.**

 **And yes, I am reusing OCs from my Stairs of Sand/Hourglass universe. Because they fit and I like them. And also we don't see any badass Suna kunoichi aside from Temari, Lady Chiyo and Maki(on Kakashi's squad during 4th war).**

 **Oh look, Easter Eggs for my take on the Hatake Clan, to be explored at a later date.**

 **The taraibune coracles are more akin to Kuphar than small river coracles.**

* * *

 _ **Omake**_

"C-rank curse strikes again!" A courier called from the doorway, and every shinobi in the Briefing room collectively groaned.

"Which poor saps is it this time?" Byakugo Yamanaka asked from his seat at one of the desks. "And what has it gone up to?"

"Uuh...corporate espionage comes under B-rank, doesn't it?" The courier shrugged, tossing the message scroll over. It was caught, and read accordingly.  
"Huh. Hey, does the annual Benisu mission count as an actual C-rank?"

"Oh kami, that's the mission Hatake-san and the Kaguya kid are on," Iruka started. "You're saying it's B-rank now?"

Ignoring Iruka's sudden shock, Byakugo continued his musing. "'Cause it is listed as a B-rank anyway, so this might not count as the C-rank curse and just dumb luck. Hatake's ex-ANBU though and the kid's smart as a whip to boot. And it was just delivering a stack of documents to begin with; how on earth would that get complicated?"

"It just says 'corporate espionage', don't ask me," the courier shrugged, throwing up her hands and leaving.


	19. Venture: From Kiri With Love

**Another serious chapter, but hey, we're practically halfway through this Arc. Has anyone noticed the chapter titles yet? They're not random.**

 **Warning for child death and mauling-via-animal. Also background mention of systematic animal abuse. And implied cannibalism is in there somewhere.**

 **Plus my sorry attempt at a chase scene, which is why this chapter took longer than the last ones.**

* * *

 _ **Part 3: From Kiri With Love**_

Out of all of us, the Wani is the first to react, with a low, thundering vibration of a roar. The oldest of the Kiri-nin falters with the rest of them, but is the first to recover.  
"So sorry about the intrusion, but we're going to search your ship."

Chinatsu-sama is already on her feet, sword in hand and the scattered Wanitei around the room, edging into more secure positions, drawing a variety of weapons. The younger Kiri-nin turn back-to-back to defend themselves; interesting, given their appearances. Common myth has it that ancient Mizu no Kuni was inhabited by Samebito, shark-people, who then interbred with the humans; people from Kirigakure do have a tendency towards grayish/pale skin, sharp teeth and noticeable lack of facial hair. Ones like Kisame are known as Throwbacks, considering how more definitive fish-traits like the gills, blue skin and eyes pop up every two generations or so. Nobody's entirely sure how much of the infamous Kiri bloodlust and lack of empathy is Samebito instincts passed down, or just a screwed-up environment. Nature vs Nurture; _that_ old argument.

All four Kiri shinobi have the sharp teeth, but two of the younger ones, the boy and one of the girls, have the gills on their cheeks. The red-haired girl has a tooth missing, giving her a slightly snaggle-toothed appearance as she smiles and grips a two-handled razor-chain whip. Oh, so she's advanced enough to qualify for a custom weapon, but her two cohorts are still stuck with shuriken and kunai? She's going to be the one to watch.

"Get off _my ship_." Chinatsu-sama growls- _where did that dagger come from?_ It's casually deflected by the man, who's being almost frustratingly amiable in the face of such reptilian aggression.  
"Now, now. We just got a tip off that shinobi have been seen skulking in this area. We've been hired to defend the Harbourmaster and preemptively killing threats sounded quite productive." Oh, look. _There's_ the bloodlust. "Surely you'd want the Harbourmaster to remain safe? Just a warning, we won't tolerate no for an answer."

"You mistake me for a fool, _shinobi_. Take your little lemmings and leave, before you get eaten for your troubles; Ani-ue is hungry." The Wani hisses in agreement, and the boy with the gills shifts a little at the sound; weakness.

Wani can move surprisingly fast on dry land, apparently.

The one-ton crocodilian grabs the kid's thigh with over five thousand pounds of force and shakes him like a terrier would a rat in the space of a single lunge. The older shinobi immediately draws a tanto and aims for the neck in a stabbing motion, but it's caught between the thorny scales and wrenched aside by the violent movement before he can come close to driving it through. Despite being rag-dolled, the kid's wildly flailing kunai manages to land a slash on one of the Wani's nostrils and down over the lip, prompting a sharp grunt and his mangled, bloody release.

Snaggletooth girl snaps out a sharp wordless cry and, the older man being preoccupied with Chinatsu-sama and a few Wanitei attempting to sneak up behind him, goes straight for the Guard I'm hiding behind. He has the dual offence-defence weapon here and a very pointy one it is too, but those thorny gauntlets are poorly matched against a weapon meant to entangle. Her razor-chain doesn't cut through, but it digs in and holds, and now he's down the use of one arm and polearm defences really do work best with two.

The gilled-girl joins her, coming in from the side so she's the first to see me hiding behind him. I don't even _look_ like a Wanitei, but I do look important to the guard so she changes course and goes for me. Before I can react, the guy sacrifices his own balance to use a backwards kick to launch me away from the struggling trio. Fortunately for him, another Wanitei comes to his aid and drags Snaggletooth off of him.

In the background, the Wani known only as Ani-ue is slowly making progress in dragging it's still pitifully weakly screaming chew toy back down the corridor and towards the open deck. Crocodiles like their food drowned and rotting, after all. Poor kid. Then again, not like he's going to be much use even if he gets rescued; his legs are far too mangled.  
Being small makes it easy to slip through the tussle and put him out of his misery with a kunai to the throat.

But my mercy mission gets me noticed.

The Wanitei aren't chakra-users after all, despite their competence and the older Kiri-nin isn't so distracted as to _not_ notice me; white hair stands out among a sea of black curls. And white hair isn't that common; the Henge is effective at what it was originally designed for and his eyes widen. Out of the corner of my eye, Kakashi-shishou is emerging from the rafters where he's been trying to sneak away and trying to get to me.

"Kai!"

The Kiri-nin tries to shake off whatever genjutsu he thinks my looks are. But my Henge is ninjutsu not genjutsu, and held in place by a seal. Kakashi-shishou's however...

The Kiri-nin spins around at the sound of a Henge dispelling _behind_ him, glances back at still-possible-Hatake-child-me in shock, and looks back to come face to face with Kakashi Hatake, the Copy Ninja, the Man of a Thousand Jutsu. He makes the visual connection between us, even as Kakashi-shishou blurs past him.  
But he's just as fast, and shoves Kakashi off to the side to land in a heap of brass and silver items.

"Komi! Mon! Take care of the kid!"

The two girls promptly disengage their respective opponents, and begin to stalk me. Ah, well. Let's see if I can beat them without Shikotsumyaku.  
With a slight puff of smoke I grab a kunai from the storage seal on my own wrist. "One at a time now, ladies. Don't worry, I'll go easy on you."

* * *

Kakashi wasn't particularly worried about Kimimaro losing, even to Kiri-nin, even stuck physically at four years old. But he was worried about the brat being blindsided since those girls were trying to capture not kill; the red-head was roughly Chunin-level, the same as Kimimaro and hadn't the kid only got out of his Clan's suicide run because he had been berserker and therefore unpredictable?

Yeah, he was going to stick around and help out. Although, it seemed as if this guy had much the same idea.

This narrow corridor wasn't much good for a protracted battle. Time to take to the water, even if it meant giving the advantage to the other guy.

"What are you playing at Hatake?" He scoffed as they eyed each other up. "So, that's the reason nobody's seen your face in the last few years outside of Black Ops, let alone you seemingly vanishing off the face of the planet for the last fourteen months. Still, I didn't think fatherhood could make you this slow on the uptake."

Oh great. This again. Still, it could come in useful. "Hmm. What say we leave the kids to their playdate and settle this outside like responsible adults? Houzuki."

He grinned. "So, you know my abilities then. And you still lead me out here?" His smile suddenly dropped. "You've already thought up plans to counter the Houzuki Liquidation, haven't you? If I Liquidate, you'll just use Raiton jutsu to shock me. If I take to the water in human form, you'll either use Raiton or leave me to the horde of Wani below us, or both. If either of us use area-affect jutsu, we'll wreck the harbour and either rack up the property damage bill, discourage people from hiring shinobi again, or both. Why haven't you attacked me yet? It's bad form not to take advantage of a monologue."

"Buying time without any effort. Now then...'"

Rengetsu Houzuki bit back a howl of pain as his ear was sliced off in a spray of blood, too fast for him to Liquidate in time because who went for the ear rather than one of the eight kill points? The fucking shitspawn was _mocking him_! First he needed to take care of the bleeding.

"Katon: Fire Bloom." His hand is wreathed in a flicker of flame and the _hissss_ of his own flesh cauterizing echoed loudly over the water. Oh oh _oh_ , was that a preoccupied glance over to the boat behind him he saw? Maybe a different, safer approach was in order. "Aw, don't I get to see that infamous Sharingan, Hatake-san? Maybe I should-"

A Shunshin and Rengetsu is behind and above, swinging his tanto down. "-convince you!"

The water bunshin dissolved, splattering back down to reveal Kakashi standing a few metres away with one red eye unmasked. "How about you catch me first?"

 _Finally._

The Hatake is fast, but the Houzuki Liquidation isn't so straightforward as many think and Rengetsu can merge with and push against the water beneath them to go faster, _faster-_

He lands a strike- nothing much, just a light brush of his hand on Hatake's elbow- but that's all the contact he needs to make the water in the skin cells of the arm ripple and squirm for a second or two, rendering the arm useless for the next 12 hours, possibly less.  
Hatake spins, turns on a dime one kick spraying water-muddy with waste, they're near the docks now- in his eyes, _his eyes_ \- the kunai that follows it he barely dodges and it slices his cheek. He blinks and wipes away the tainted water. Hatake's not playing now, actually running, but still playing safe, trying to lead him away, not risking damaging the buildings and boats. But he's serious, taking him seriously, and all Rengetsu has to do is find the right lever to push it up to fear.

* * *

Kakashi cursed himself in his head. Why oh why had he committed himself to ANBU? He had practically become a Career, if it hadn't been for the recognition he had gained as a child, as the son of Sakumo Hatake and for his (small yet noticeable)presence in the Third War. Covert ANBU mission after covert mission he had taken and never set aside time to train in ninjutsu, genjutsu or even some of the rarer weaponry his father had trained him in as a boy.  
Only his stealth and assassination jutsu were top notch now and they were not made for this. Kami, he'd memorised a thousand jutsu with Obito's eye, but did he bother to work at them outside of just recalling them whenever an opponent tried to use them on him? Fuck, he was hopeless.

And this guy knew what he was doing. He had heard rumours of the Houzuki creating their own response to the Gentle Fist, but hadn't expected this. Water manipulation, huh. Well, he was down an arm and hand for the foreseeable future so that went about 99% of his jutsu; he _should have trained_ to do at least a _few_ without hand-seals, dammit! He had the Sharingan, but had the Uchiha even bothered to teach him the visual genjutsu that went with it? No, they were too busy muttering about whether to ignore Obito's dying wish and rip it back out of his head!

He had to lose this guy in the city first, then he could circle back and grab Kimimaro, retreat and regroup, figure out a plan and heal his arm.

Kimimaro could hold his own against those two girls long enough for him to double back, and the Wanitei would pitch in.

"Oi, oi! You thinking about if your brat's going to last against my girls?" Houzuki calls, his arm _extending_ as they leap from a tall pagoda rooftop to another lower one, putting him above and behind Kakashi even if only for few seconds. But Kakashi _sees_ with his Sharingan and slashes with a kunai.

 _Mistake!_ His gut screams as the fist dissolves in a splash and the droplets arc over his face, _closing around-!_

He switches with one of the many rain-spout shisa dog statues that decorate the rooves; just in time. The statue's terracotta head is crushed by the orb of water. "Just so you know, don't be surprised if you find the kid's body with a bite or twelve taken out of it. I keep telling Mon she needs to get her adrenaline-crash binge eating under control; kids these days can be so unreasonable, y'know?"

"Oh, well last time someone tried to kidnap my brat, they were a finger short when we got there. The boy's got a pretty strong jaw; don't be surprised if your student ends up missing some digits." Kakashi's kage bunshin is popped in a cloud of smoke. Ideal cover.

He dashes from the smokescreen, shedding Exploding Tags to flutter down behind him and create a temporary mid-air minefield.

And he lets himself _fall._

Gleaming glass streaks past him as the Tags thunder above him, the crowds below screaming and pointing up.

He reaches for the weighted chain he keeps in his weapons pouch. There's a protruding billboard from the corner of the building and it snags.

His one functional arm strains, muscles screaming as he swings to the side, deaccelerating and taking his own weight as he hits the walkways of a construction sight running. The workers open their mouths to yell but he's already past them, f forcing up chemical reactions in his brain and running through them as fast as he can but _not fast enough._

Water begins pouring from the sky.

The rainwater tanks on every roof is dispelling it's load through the mouths of the hundreds of shisa dog rain-spouts above them. The plank walkways turn slick almost immediately as a sharp-toothed grin cuts through the curtain. "Please tell me you weren't planning on mixing me into cement, Hatake, it's _so_ cliché. This is an _island_ ; I'll have the advantage no matter which way you run. And what jutsu are you going to do with one screwed arm, hm?"

 _Come on, come on...'_ Frantic, Kakashi pulls on the chakra inside his arm, and he can move it, but it's _slow_. He'd be as good as dead trying to do hand-seals like that. _Hang on, aren't nerves supposed to run on electricity?_ Given his Clan Affinity, turning the raw chakra inside his arm into Lightning-natured is the work of a thought. It _hurts_ so bad he can barely stop himself gasping in pain, he has to focus to twitch so much as a single finger and his arm is _steaming_ in the downpour, but he can move it normally. Hopefully he should only need this one jutsu.

In the meantime he runs, into the seedy underbelly of Benisu. He needs a crowd, needs confusion.

He follows certain sounds and smells, bounding through streets that get tighter and tighter between older and older buildings with hanging eaves and grimy yellow lantern-light in the shadows. Houzuki is staying on his tail but at a distance; good. The cheering and growling grows louder and he slips down a flight of stairs, through a warehouse of hanging fabrics and then a heavy wooden door hidden behind a heavy blue rug. A dog-baiting ring.

Dogs of every shape and size pace and snarl inside cages and pens; most of them starved and mad. Down the way, a mob surrounds an arena, cheering the blood and carnage.

Hand-seals. _His arm hurts so much._ Puff of smoke. His pack awaits him, uneasy as they realise where they are. He only has a few seconds at best. "Set the dogs free into the crowd, I need chaos. I need to lose a tail."

They set to work without question, the smaller dogs pawing at the latches to open them while Buru merely bites or crushes the bars and frames. A slavering, howling tide of fur and teeth whirls down the stairs and into the horde of spectators. It's easy enough to duck and weave through the confusing mass of bodies, out the other side and round, up a rusty iron staircase and into a seedy fast food kitchen, ignore the yells of the grubby cooks, out onto the street.

Hang on.

He couldn't sense any pursuer at all.

 _Where was Houzuki?_

* * *

I stopped going easy on them about five minutes into the fight. It's a bit of a blur, but I was doing pretty well until we somehow ended up on the water.

The shark-girl has _gills_.

It wasn't until she grabbed hold of my ankle and pulled me under the surface that I realised how effective this tag-team is. The moment I break free and head for the surface, Snaggletooth slashes at me with her whip and I just have time to take a breath before shark-girl pulls me back under. So I stabbed her, as a matter of course, but I only managed to get her in the arm and HOLYMOTHEROFGRENDEL!

The Wanitei didn't bring just _one_ Wani; they brought the entire freaking...herd? Horde? Shoal?

Who cares because the BLOOD GOT THEIR ATTENTION from the kid they were already EATING, LET'S GO ALREADY!

The Wanitei with the spear comes to my rescue, offering me the butt of his weapon from the side of the warship. "C'mon, Bitesize, up ya come."  
Once I'm on board, he promptly reverses his spear to stab down at the two girls also trying to climb the hull. One of the barbed points tears into the hand of Snaggletooth who falls back down, then proceeds to yell up a very impressive insult; telling the guard to go and do something unrepeatable and anatomically impossible with a pig, a harp, some rope and a slice of buttered toast.  
Then she has to avoid the snapping jaws of a Wani, who it seems can leap vertically out of the water a considerable distance, and Sharky is trying to swim but has to keep popping out of the water like a dolphin to avoid much the same thing. This is prime entertainment right here.

In a blink, they're gone. Everyone watching goes on alert, scanning the area, but they've just disappeared into thin air. Or a Shunshin, most likely. But those two don't know Shunshin or they'd have used it in the fight, so-"

"Hi, Hatake brat."

Their sensei. The guard raises his spear, but-

A starburst of pain in my shoulder and the deck rushes up to meet me, only for an arm to wrap around my middle.

Then sweet, sweet unconsciousness.

* * *

 **The Houzuki taijutsu thing I used is technically canon. When Sasuke and Suigetsu retrieve Zabuza's sword from an army of thugs, Suigetsu isn't allowed to kill anyone. During the scenes where he's fighting with taijutsu only, there are odd cuts of shots of water droplets. Evidently he's using his water abilities to augment his strikes somehow.**


	20. Venture: Steelraker

**I know this chapter is also a little(VERY) late, but there was a group project that needed to be _finished_ by the end of the week, while working on two other solo projects. Plus extra-late shifts at work, but at least I get paid extra for that. Also, why am I being left in charge of an entire building, plus customers? I still don't know, I'm too busy internally screaming.**

 **In which Kimimaro is an annoying little gremlin and Kakashi wallows in remorse with a side of retrospection.**

 **Warnings for implied bargaining with sex, I guess.**

* * *

 ** _Part 4: Steelraker_**

Upon waking up and gauging the immediate situation- namely, slapping away the shark-girl drooling on my arm -I do the most sensible thing possible which is to back into the corner of the room for a defensive position. It would have been far more graceful than it is, if my legs hadn't refused to move.

"Don't bother, maggot," shark-girl, known henceforth as Bitey, sneers. "Sensei temporarily crippled you before you woke up. And if you try to escape, or such much as twitch a jutsu, I'm allowed to eat your fingers. You're stuck in here with me."

So that's how it is. "I'd prefer to say you're stuck in here with me. And who says I'm going to try to escape?" I grin, the one people say is slightly foreboding. Since I'm stuck here, I might as well annoy the ever-loving shit out of them. How's about I kick it off with a classic...

"I know a song that'll get on your nerves,  
Get on your nerves,  
Get on your nerves.  
I know a song that'll get on your nerves,  
And this is how it goes, oh!

I know a song that'll get on your nerves,  
Get on your nerves,  
Get on your nerves...'"

* * *

"Who's the child?"

Rengetsu glanced over at the question. "Enemy brought his kid along. Good hostage," he grunted. "He...I lost Chiriki. And it wasn't even to the enemy; fucking crocodiles."

"And you lost an ear," Isa Himonoya stated dryly, not even looking up from her embroidery. "Guess I'll just have to shout louder at you."

He leaned against the doorframe, watching her nimble fingers pull the coloured thread back and forth. "Shouting won't make me relax your protection detail."

"You mean my house arrest."

"You can call it that."

A snip of scissors. "I hate you."

"That's fine," he admitted, turning to leave. Only for her to rise from her seat and walk up behind him. "Are you going to seduce me again?" He breathed as her hand ran up his arm.

"Would it work the second time around?" She murmured into his ear.

Reaching his hand across to squeeze her knuckles, he tilted his head back. "No. It was fun the first time, but it's not going to get you free. Don't do it to yourself." He gently pushed her hands off him and exited the suite of rooms, locking the door behind him.

"Sorry," he murmured to the empty air. Or maybe to himself.

"Yo, Sensei!" Komi ran up to him. "What are your plans for Hatake? Hey, what's that wishy-washy stare for?"

"You know, in hindsight," Rengetsu Houzuki mused, glancing down the corridor at the other locked and bolted room that held his student and their juvenile prisoner, "this was not the best idea."

"Just kill it already, Sensei, it's just baggage," Komi complained. "Or let Mon eat it, the greedy bitch."

He slapped his errant student upside the head for disrespect. "Shut up. That was Kakashi fucking Hatake out there, so this is a pretty tenuous hostage situation we've got here. He's ANBU; he's had years of missions in stealth and assassination. It's only a matter of time until he launches a counterattack and we haven't a snowball's chance in a curry factory."

"Tch. C'mon Sensei, you fought him off easily out there. And he's not going to risk his spawn." It's...somewhat comforting, to know that his ornery, emotionally-stunted student thinks so highly of him. But it's not even close to reality.

"I didn't fight him off, I distracted him. The hostage situation will make him stronger if anything; focused and angrier, pushing his limits. Love does funny things like that. It's...quite the experience." Komi snorted and waved her hand dismissively.

"Pah! I'm glad I've never felt it. First, Jonin throwing themselves into danger and now you're making goo-goo eyes at the Harbourmaster. Not to mention a few nights ago when you two-urk!" Her comments screeched to a halt as his hand curled around her windpipe.

"Refrain from discussing my personal life, if you please." He released her and quickly checked her over to see if she was breathing properly. "Now, we should probably check on Mon. The kid should be waking up by now and I might as well try and get some information."

He unlocked the door and opened it, stepping over the threshold only for his feet to immediately leave the ground. To join the other various objects in the room. "The f-"

"He turned off the gravity Sensei, after I tried to make him shut up," Mon said stoically as she perched on the underside of a chair, sporting an impressive black eye and a split lip.

The child in question giggled as he floated past while sitting in a bastard approximation of the lotus position. "We allll floooaaaat," he sing-songed. "And I usually get yelled at for turning off the gravity, so excuse me if I'm not used to fighting like this." Komi threw the coffee table at him from where she had managed to get a hand-hold on the door frame. He tried to stick onto it but the momentum sent them both hurtling in an odd pinwheel of child-furniture.

They made an audible smack as they hit the wall, accompanied by an over-the-top bloodcurdling wail of "MY KIDNEY! MURDERER! I LOVED THAT KIDNEY!"

"FUCK YOU, MAGGOT!" Komi screeched back as she sprinted around the room using the wall as a foothold and dove for him.

"PAEDOPHILE!" Was the answering scream as both parties forgot all strategy and went at it tooth and nail.

Then there was an almighty CRASH as gravity returned and resumed it's grip on everything in mid-air. In the turmoil, there was a puff of smoke and the glimmer of sharpened steel.

CRACK

The child's back met the wall for a second time, muscular but soft and unscarred flesh shuddering at the impact and grip of Rengetsu's enlarged hand. In the corners of the room, kunai pierced the walls and floor, breaking up now gently-smoking seals.

"So, I see the Hatake genius runs true," Rengetsu breathed, feeling lungs flutter desperately in shallow gasps beneath his palm. "Proficient in Fuuinjutsu at so young an age, and storage seals other than the one on your wrist I found and emptied." With his other hand he snatched up a thin wrist, birdlike bones creaking as he examined the gleaming tekko-kagi. "So, you're skilled enough for the real thing? And this is quality craftsmanship too...'"

A twitch of his fingers and there was a muffled grinding sound as dark eyes widened in a rapidly paling face, a stifled whine escaping a bitten lip. The suddenly limp wrist offered no resistance as the weapon was unbuckled and slipped off.

"What, no smart mouth this time?" Komi sneered. "Run out of tricks? Finally realised how worthless you are?" The child remained subdued and still, but the last question hit home, and not in the way anyone expected.

"You know _nothing._ " His eyes met hers, alight with fury. But then that slid away, quick as the Yellow Flash, replaced by a dopey grin. "I've got friends waiting for me at home, and I refuse to abandon them. Also, we've sworn to avenge each other's deaths, so if you kill me...yeah, you're fucked."

"Fuck, who cares about that, brat, your weapons are worth their weight in gold," Rengetsu suddenly wheezed. "Do you even know...did you even look at the Maker's Mark?"

"Are they from one of the master Weaponsmiths in Tetsu no Kuni, Sensei?" Mon piped up, curiosity piqued.

"No. You, brat. You're not staying here a moment longer," he said lowly, then his voice filled with urgency. "This is one shitstorm I don't need blowing up in my face. Komi, Mon, get your shoes on. Mon, you splint the kid's wrist; one nibble and I'll have your fingernails for a charm bracelet-"

"Aren't you taking your toy birdie, Sensei?" Komi gestured in the direction of the Harbourmaster's suite.

"No, we're still guarding her here, but right now my priority is getting you two to the other end of the island and making the brat not our responsibility, ASAP!"

He turned away, busying himself with dismantling some of the traps around the building.  
"Shitshitshit, it wasn't the only one, _that sword wasn't the only one_ , I not equipped to deal with weapons from historical lore!" Rengetsu swore under his breath, completely to himself.

* * *

"What is this?" The man asked, as the shinobi Gatou-sama had hired through him dumped a Small Child on his floor.

"One of the intruding shinobi we captured," was the bland reply.  
What was that supposed to mean? The boy couldn't be more than four! Mind you, said gagged and bound child was glaring at him and flipping him a middle finger, so the attitude was definitely there.

He didn't know much about how these killers thought, but; "why is he here, what use do I have for your prisoner?"

A shrug. "I dunno, but we've got no use for him. His teammates are dead, and I've bound his chakra so he's helpless now. You could ransom him off or put him to work, sell him...I don't care."

The man groaned internally. He was just a puppet corporation for Gatou-sama, a scapegoat for all the dirty work in return for immediate bail whenever he got arrested! He didn't really have authority to decide anything!  
"Uhm...any possessions I could pawn off?"

The oldest shinobi froze for a second, then looked thoughtful. "Oh yeah, forgot about that." He untied the child's gag and ropes. "Brat, what you got in your storage seals? Empty them out."

Sighing, the child took his own shirt off and started pressing fingers to small calligraphic symbols on his skin, producing scrolls in small puffs of smoke, listing them as he dropped them on the floor.

"Weapons."  
"Weapons."  
"Explosives."  
"Sealing stuff."  
"Rations."  
"Medicine."  
"More weapons."  
"Spare clothes."  
"A sewing kit."  
"A bird skull."  
"Hygiene supplies."  
"Medical supplies."  
"Cold-weather clothes."  
"A watermelon."  
"Money."  
"Manual disguise supplies."  
"A bedroll and camping equipment."  
"Water bottles."  
"Some books."  
"Ropes and other climbing gear."  
"Oh, and ookami-chan."

The last comment was addressed to a wolf plush toy, which was promptly tucked under one arm. "I'm keeping him."

Mon frowned, seeing how Rengetsu was packing all the equipment scrolls and odd objects into a bag. "Nope, I'm taking it."  
He sidled backwards keeping a tight grip on the toy. "Kindly fuck off, good day to you madam. I SAID GOOD DAY!" He shrieked piercingly as she lunged. But she was jerked back by a hand on her collar.  
"Sensei?"

"Just leave it," he shook his head. Then in one swift blur of movement he replaced the bindings. "Now that's sorted, I trust I can leave him in your capable hands? Wonderful, bye now!"

The man seated at the desk opened his mouth to protest weakly, by closed it again as the door shut behind them. What was he supposed to do now? He pressed the intercom button on his desk.

"Uh, Gatou-sama...yes...we have a...situation...'"

* * *

Not again. This would not happen again.

Kakashi flexed his hand; back to normal now.

He would not lose another comrade, he _refused_.  
His hands were already filthy with bloodguilt; one does not stain innocent children with such dirty hands. Kimimaro is neither innocent nor child and already bears the crushing weight of some dark responsibility that it seems only Itachi- another not-quite-child -is privy to.

Kimimaro is stronger than Kakashi is ever been. Sometimes...every so often, the shrewd, calculating gaze splits apart and there's wonder and curiosity.  
Is this envy? To want to know how he can do that, so Kakashi can look back and realise, that for one single second, black thoughts of grief and loss slipped away from his mind?

And there's another reason. Something else Kakashi sees when Kimimaro lets his guard down. Love. A hesitantly, barely acknowledged one, but a deep and terrifying one of self-sacrifice. A horrifyingly beautiful abomination between a fragile but fierce heart and a cruel detachment of measures and scales. One that weighs the balance and always finds the self wanting in comparison to the safety of those loved. A price of pain is determined and gladly paid.

The first time Kakashi saw it, he had held Kimimaro in his arms, both of them crumpled on the bathroom floor. The kidnapping incident had probed open old wounds and confessions had fallen from trembling lips, of how much it had hurt to play the obedient fool.

But Kakashi's gut tells him that this is not the end; that Kimimaro has seen what he thinks he must do and that nothing will dissuade him... Well, maybe not nothing.

Itachi is the same. Had been the same, until Kimimaro came along. And now Kakashi can glimpse the fear in his eyes as something only he knows of hurtles towards him. Itachi has grown stronger; Kimimaro's friendship has strengthened him. But that same strength is not returned. Kimimaro fights and claws his way out of his own mind but has no-one that reaches out to take his hand and pull him out. At least, he didn't until recently.

Kakashi doesn't know much about Aburame Queens, but he knows a silent oath to protect when he sees it.

And he adds his own.

Never again will a shinobi who chooses loved ones over a world set alight, pay with a gallon of blood and a pound of flesh until a sword point pierces guts and empty eyes say 'all for you'.

An afterthought of Minato-sensei smiles in the corner of his eye. _"You tease him with your Clan Secrets, you gift him your Clan weaponry, you swear to protect him, an Apprenticeship...'"_

What is he saying?

No matter; there are more important things to attend to. Like rescuing Kimimaro, for instance.

And if he has so much as a scratch, he's going to invert some ribcages and plasma-charbroil some spleens with his chidori.

Kakashi's heard about wrapping people in blankets to protect them and he's kind of interested if it works or not.

* * *

There is only one chakra signature in the building, and it isn't Kimimaro's; Kakashi made sure to memorise it long ago. There are signs of traps having been removed and the rooms are empty. But one has faded seals drawn in each corner, pierced by kunai. Seals drawn in blood.

Kakashi's breath catches in his throat, but then eases, because the brat is exactly the sought of person to simply nip open a finger if he's ever out of ink.

 _"-ungry!"_

The life-sign a few rooms over shouts something and he wanders over, noting that the traps around this part of the corridor have been left intact. They're... _decent._

As is the lock.

"-inally, I was wondering if you'd lost your other earrrr…er...'" the women's comment trails off into silence as she realises he is not who she thought it was.

"Both my ears are intact, Harbourmaster Himonoya," he mutters dryly. "It seems we don't need to engage in elaborate subterfuge to infiltrate the Business Gala; good. But first thing's first..."

She makes a sound not unlike a squashed hamster, stepping back as he leans forward over the threshold. "A child, about four years old. Silvery-white hair, dark eyes, all the charming personality and tact of the cute bird that starts screaming outside your window at 4-fucking-am. I want him back."

"Yes, they had that child with them," she says quickly. "Look, you're after Gatou, right? That's why you want me. But you have to leave me here. If I don't play along until the Gala tomorrow evening, the docks will be turned into hell on earth."

Kakashi paused, teeth gritted in uncertainty. "I'm listening."

* * *

 **READ: NEW POLLS**

 **Right, it's time to settle this. The Angst debate.**

 **Some of you are okay with the level of angst in this story without an Angst in the Genre box. Some of you are not.**

 **Personally, I do not consider the current level of angst to warrant one of the Genre, nor do I consider it particularly 'deep' angst looking at some of the SI stories on this site. I don't really feel the Angst Genre is applicable since it's not a constant feature of the story.**

 **However, there is a poll up for you to vote on this. You have until the end of this Arc, which, considering my life right now, will be a while.**

 **If you don't care about the Angst poll, or you want get your opinion heard, there's an opinion poll for Dem Bones as well.**


	21. Venture: SharinganEye

**I got quite the outpouring of support about the Angst rating/not rating last chapter, so thank you! I'm not the sort of person to find my own humour funny and it's quite sarcastic, so I was starting to doubt myself.**

 **Then I remember that I made my whole college class riot for two minutes straight because I accidentally sassed the teacher.**

 **Long story.**

* * *

 **So, Kimimaro's annoyed himself straight into Gatou's lap(aka, the Kiri-nin strategically went _YEET_ ) and Kakashi's in Denial about his attitude toward Kimimaro. And Gatou seems to have a sinister plot involving the Harbourmaster.**

 **Also, the fluff snuck up on me out of nowhere. Contains foreshadowing for future plot.**

* * *

 _ **Part 5: SharinganEye**_

It was not the first time a child had been sent to the basement facilities of No.3 Kanden Avenue, aka Gatou's Offices, aka That Asshole's Place.  
But it was the first time that a child had been bodily thrown down the short flight stairs by one of Gatou's henchmen, landed on his feet like a cat despite bound hands, and yelled back the phrase "YOUR MOTHER WAS A LEPROUS CUTTLEFISH AND YOUR FATHER WAS A TAPEWORM FROM A FIVE-LEGGED CAMEL'S ASSCRACK!"

His answer was the iron-bound door loudly slamming and bolting. "Rude."

Ropes from his wrists mysteriously falling apart, he dusted himself off and looked towards the wide-eyed servants still stood staring in disbelief. "Oh, hi, hello. Don't worry, I'm from the Union. Judging from your slightly-tattered clothing, general signs of exhaustion and food deprivation, you've all been feeling somewhat repressed recently?"

"Uh...Union?"

The four-year-old visibly deflated. "Humour deprivation, it's worse than we thought," he muttered. "Never mind!" He added, clapping his hands and making them all start. "Can someone pull these off for me?" He held out his bared forearms, showing them the paper tags with squiggly lines drawn on. "The wearer can't remove them themselves, that's all; don't worry, they won't explode and I don't bite people unless they're trying to hurt me."

One man in a faded apron with both arms spattered with burn scars approached cautiously, then less cautiously as he realised the child was so small and easy to defend against. Quickly slipping a nail under the papers' edge, he ripped them off as fast as he could, sidling back out of reach.

The only reaction was a sigh and the boy rubbing his arms with a shiver, before cracking his knuckles. "Right. explanations. Name's Kimimaro, I'm a shinobi from Konohagakure no Sato and I got separated from my comrade while on a mission to take down Gatou. Long story short, I'm waiting for my rescue down here now because I expressed my extreme dislike to That Asshole Gatou upstairs. To his face.  
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you lot are the staff; cooking, cleaning and serving and all that? Do you have names?"

"Yes. And yes," the guy in the apron said gruffly, folding his arms. The silence hung in the air between them like a rock on a piece of string; heavy, awkward and somehow weirdly graceful. Until the boy chuckled.

"You. I like you. Can I have your name?"

"Inoue."

"Nice. Excuse me a moment, I need to stretch." With that blasé phrase, Kimimaro removed another paper something from the back of his neck and promptly grew to twice his height and _changed._

The silvery hair became just plain white, with a zig-zag parting and three ponytails held with red clips. Scarlet bloomed on brow and under pale green eyes, the face thinner with a star-shaped scar on one cheek.

"Aaaaauuuugghh!" He groaned, flexing his limbs and torso. "Ah ah, fuck! Fucking cramp, leg, _ow_! Hang on, it's fine, ow, okay it's gone now. Uh, oh yeah...'"

The splint that had been on one bruised wrist clattered to the floor, the injured appendage held gingerly. Without warning, _bone_ slid from the skin halfway down the forearm, a tripod of spikes arcing gently over the skin, branches melding in a network of support, until they slid back into the skin just under the palm.

The boy felt the makeshift brace. "Better. Now; I'mma gonna teach you to make _pasta_."

* * *

"...-story short, the evil black goo is a Mummy's Boy, all those conspiracy theories about people having lived on the moon are true and you should always carry a towel whenever possible. Got any threes, Inoue-san? Oh, hi Kakashi-shishou!"

Kakashi felt the urge to slap his own face. Repeatedly. And apologise to Shisui for ever making fun of him. "Oh sweet student of mine, care to explain why you've barricaded off the basement levels of Gatou's building, several of his men are lying dead in the corridors by varying causes of death and you're playing Go Fish with the staff?"

His cute little student blinked up at him innocently. "Well, for some reason the Kiri-nin freaked out once they saw my tekko-kagi and gave me to Gatou after confiscating all of my stuff, Gatou himself is a jerk so I told him so to his face among other observations and I got chucked down here. Gatou mistreats his staff, which made me slightly angry, so I decided that I'd better found a Union and have them go on strike.  
Then, when Gatou took exception to that and his men tried to storm our little barricade I retaliated in kind, but it wasn't all me. Personally, I think it's been good for these guys to express themselves against their oppressors and Inoue-san here has a rather masterful way with a bread knife."

Kakashi's eye widened as he saw the bottles tucked in the corner and his nose picked up the faint underlying scent of the contents of the empty ones. "Did you make _chlorine bottle bombs_!? This is an _enclosed space_! You know better than that; remedial training for you once we get home young man."

"Awww..."

"Don't take that tone of voice with me, brat. Now, are you injured?"

"Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine."

"He has a broken wrist," the man in the apron, seemingly named Inoue-san, muttered shyly.

Kimimaro squawked in protest as Kakashi was at his side in a blink, crouched down and gently seizing the wrist which he could now see had a lattice of bone splinting it. As well as the purplish bruises of fingers. "I'm going to kill them," he breathed.

Kimimaro blinked owlishly. "I thought we were going to do that anyway."

"Yes, but now I'm going to make it slow and excruciatingly painful," he growled. "C'mon, we need to leave; I found the Harbourmaster and we need to change our plans."

"Yeah, okay," he climbed to his feet, revealing that a familiar plush wolf had been tucked into his side, under his arm and out of sight.

"I thought you said all your stuff was confiscated?" Kakashi enquired, curious. Kimimaro chewed on his own lip with a shrug.

"I insisted, and they gave up pretty quick. 'S mine. You gave it to me."

A sudden, unexpected warmth bloomed in Kakashi's torso, as if someone had poured hot water into his guts. He bit down on the growl that threatened to escape, instead bodily scooping up his annoying little student, prompting another squawk.

"Inoue-san, thank you for taking care of him. I'll leave you an exit, in case your standoff gets hairy."

Inoue blinked. "Um, what ex-?" He was cut off as the silver-haired shinobi flashed his fingers in different positions, and the wall opened up into a tunnel, which the two figures then disappeared down. "Oh. That exit. Shinobi. Right."

* * *

The rain thundered down in an unending curtain.

High above the streets, in the empty floor of a condemned tower, one shattered wall open to the elements, Kimimaro's head drooped against Kakashi's flak jacket, then snapped up again with a sleepy mumble. Kakashi wrapped the thick black cloak he had kept from his ANBU service tighter around them both. "It's okay, get some sleep; rest up."

With a slight wince as Kimimaro burrowed deeper into his side - the boy was all elbows, it's ridiculous - Kakashi took a moment to ask himself what the hell was happening. Was it normal to get so... concerned about your student? Even now, despite having healed Kimimaro's wrist over two hours ago, just thinking about it brought a furious rage to his mind. Never before had he gotten this emotional over a simple injury; not even when Tenzo was just starting out in his squad.

Tenzo was getting pretty attached to little Naruto, actually; after only a few interactions. This was probably the same thing, but stronger because Kimimaro had known him for longer. And there was most likely some lingering guilt over all the comrades he had lost over the years, that's all.

And it was only common sense to give Kimimaro some of the quality weaponry from the Hata… the Clan armoury. There was the peace of mind from knowing that the metal and forging were top-notch and it wasn't like anybody else was using them, anyway.

Kimimaro twitched in his sleep, and Kakashi glanced down. He re-tucked the cloak around the smaller form where it had slipped off, but his eye caught on the glimpse of cheap grey fur.  
Why had Kimimaro kept the toy?  
It had just been a cheap gag, a passing thought; Kakashi had been sure that it had been lost in the scuffle, or surreptitiously 'lost' when his back had been turned. Was it the fact it had been a gift? As far as he knew, Kimimaro had never received any before. Was that what Kimimaro had meant when he had said 'you gave it to me'? That must be it.

Outside, thunder rumbled, lightning lighting up the clouds from inside.

Kakashi found his eyelids drooping. Kimimaro hadn't slept since the ferry ride and neither had he, after all. They'd already discussed their course of action and they had plenty of time until everything needed to be set up for the Business Gala. He could afford to catch a quick nap. And the weight of his brilliant little student curled up under his ribcage made for a surprisingly warm hot-water bottle.

The brooding red sun peeked above the waves, the pale violet sky stained grey with sweeping sheets of rain; masts, cranes and rooves glowing with flickering turquoise sparks.

 _"Isn't the storm beautiful, Kashi?"_

Oh, that was right. The last time he'd truly appreciated a storm like this, the last time he'd seen his father _laugh_...

 _They were so high up, on top of one of the thin spired peaks behind Konoha's plateau. Rain plastered the thin casual clothes to their skin. All around them, blue and violet lightning hissed and hummed, making the grass and shrubby plants glow with an unearthly light. It was utterly mesmerising, the way the air crackled and licked across wet skin. Heartbeats rattled in their chests as Sakumo held a small, captivated Kakashi in his arms._

 _Glowing eyes, white hot teeth._

 _"You think this is amazing, Kashi, you should see some of the storms from the old Clan Territory!" He laughed. "This is just a taste. Isn't it sublime!?"_

 _Not afraid._

His father had been magnificent.

That had been the man who the Sannin had paled in comparison against, the one who had ravaged battlefields with the fury of the heavens condensed into a single blade.

...

How long had it been since Kakashi had remembered him as anything other than a broken, faded shadow, or a blank-eyed, cooling corpse? Too long.

Was that all his father was to him now? A ghost to weigh him down with bitter memories? Yet there were more, warmer, things he could recall now, now that he focused.

 _The ragged patch of stubble below his left ear that he'd miss when shaving._  
 _Shuffling along the carpet in thick wool socks in the winter, to prick each other with static electricity._  
 _"What are you doing up this time of night, Kashi?"_  
 _The thick, sugary taste of buttercream icing on cake and a snort of laughter as a camera clicks.  
"You're not gonna sink Kashi, I'm right here, just keep kicking...'"  
Lungs shuddering with laughter at some inane radio comedy even as Kakashi's head droops onto a bare shoulder.  
"Don't take the mask off, Kakashi. It's important that nobody sees your mouth, until you've mastered the Clan Techniques."  
"Sandaime Hokage-sama, might I present my son, the Hatake Clan Heir, Kakashi Hatake."  
_ _Warm calloused fingers, still greasy with weapon oil, ruffling his hair._

"Hey, you okay?"

A small, sleepy voice broke him from his thoughts.

He was about to say his usual stock response of 'I'm fine', but something made it die in his throat. Instead;  
"Yeah, just thinking about the past."

"Huh. I usually end up thinking about the future," came a quiet, nonsensical admission.  
Kakashi thought of the steely certainty of the past, then wondered at the shifting uncertainties of the future as well. "Anything good in there?"

Distant lightning striking an inky horizon illuminated everything in a flash of sickly white light; stark, void-filled shadows seemingly stabbing into the fabric of reality. Thunder bellowed with the death-rattles of Dragons.

"There's too much change," came a whisper.

Kakashi almost missed the last few words.

.

.

.

"But there's always hope. Hope's a good one. And that makes it worth it."

* * *

"Excited, my heartsblood?"

Chinatsu, Ane-ue of the Wanitei, didn't bother turning around. "We hunt tonight, dearest hunger," she hummed softly as she polished he sword. The water turned red, and the smell of meat filled the room.

He sat down at her side, just behind her, taking off the tri-pronged fishing spear slung over his back and setting it down beside him. Deft fingers unbraided her bangs, the comb, coloured cloths and hair-tie carefully set aside. Oiling his fingers from a small alabaster jar, the Tsuri-ou, or Fisher King, of the Wanitei began to comb his wife's hair. The thick curls were teased out with perfumed oil, snags gently unknotted and stray hairs slicked down until Chinatsu's black mane shone in the lamplight.

"When we get 'ome, I'll make grilled eel," he broke the silence unexpectedly, the comment startling a wry, bemused smile from her.  
"Why the sudden romance, Hakkai?"

"Shan't we be celebra'ing Gatou's death?" He blinked innocently. "I know shinobi in general t'ink 'e's better alive than dead, because of t' safety of predictability, but I know t'at spark in your eyes."

"You see right through me," she grinned wickedly. "What do you think of the Lost one?"

Hakkai gently kissed her shoulder, before beginning to twist up her hair into a tight war-knot. "Hatake is a farmer's name. Disgraceful. Completely outrageous, t' erase half of one's name. I'd understand if 'is line had simply selected another name. But 'is eyes...'"

"What did you see, dearest sin of my flesh?"

"Pain," he replied after a moment's hesitation. "Determination. Love; and 'e says t' boy is not 'is son, ha!"  
Her hair finished, he wiped his hands on a rag.

"People over here mean by blood, Hakkai-koi. But then again, he is probably blind that his heart has claimed the boy as his child." Chinatsu put down her sword and leaned back until she pressed against his chest, drawing a soothing rumble from him. "Did you see their faces when they found out who you were, precious bones?"

"T'at we both wear t' scales of Ani-ue should 'ave been a clue, my love," he murmured. "Speaking of which, they are all very angry t'at they were slipped past so easily. They want blood, as you do. But I can't guarantee they won't go after the Lost one and 'is boy in all the confusion."

"If they let themselves be pushed back to the water's edge, it's their own weakness to blame," she shrugged. "I doubt they're that weak, though."

"Don't you t'ink it's ironic?" Hakkai asked. "One of t' last of t'at particular Clan adopting a child of the Usagi?"

"You forget, my love," Chinatsu laughed. "Irony is loved by Kami and Dragons alike, for it is their only weapon against the unbeliever."

* * *

"Desist stealing from the buffet, you tiny maniac," Kakashi hissed. "You're going to make yourself sick."

"Shinobi have a higher metabolism, and I'm the same height as you," I mumbled around a mouthful of karinto sticks. It's odd to see Kakashi-shishou Henged as a Wanitei; dark skin, red eyes, curly black hair and all.

And I'm Henged as an adult Wanitei too. _Adult_.

"You ate only a short while ago; your metabolism's not that high. And you're a full inch shorter than me, for the record." He snatched the platter away from me.

But seriously, why lay out a buffet if you don't want people to eat from it? And it's not like it's a small buffet; the table is _ginormous_!

Not that I've...seen that...many buffets...

Still, the table stretches from one end to the other of the giant function room that's been hired for this Business Gala soiree. Exotic food galore! Some of it I definitely want to try, preferably before the fighting starts. Some, I will definitely _not_ be trying.  
The ningyo soup I _might_ try, but the ningyo roe is too far over the creepy line.

Ningyo/mer-people are a thing, but they're more like oddly-human-faced seal-fish than the mythological sapiens-piscine hybrids you see bandied about.

Moving on from the fish section, there's...mice?...hamster?...small roasted rodent of some description. Eergh; bony. And...racked ribs of boar and deer, nice. Poultry wings and legs, hmm'kay...ooh! Blueberry! Blueberry tart in the sweet section! Me, me me memememe bagsie!

And the snack section, from which I've been trenching through the karinto. Y'know, I'm not usually a big fan, but they've kind of grown on me over the past hour and I'm starting to see why Yuyu likes them.

"Save some for us, Bitesize," the guard...or should I say, the Prince-Consort equivalent of the Wanitei… said, coming over and taking a handful. "I want t' eat before t' violence starts."

"I suppose I should thank you now then, for trying to save me when they took me," I murmured quietly. But he waved it off.

"Nah. You paid t'at debt when you told us about Gatou's plan and 'elped set everyt'ing up." He looked at Kakashi-shishou. "Did you get everyt'ing?"

He nodded. "Yes; when I broke in to get Kimimaro out of the building. Don't worry; I made it look like nothing was taken."

All further conversation was cut off, by the chiming of a crystal glass being tapped. All of the murmured conversation came to a halt as Gatou, flanked by his two henchmen pseudo-samurai, entered the doorway. A woman in an official haori trailed behind him, barred in by the three remaining Kiri-nin.

Fresh whispering broke out at the sight; why had Gatou led them in and not the Harbourmaster? Why were there ninja guarding her? Would there finally be answers as to why the Gala had been set up in the first place?

"Ladies, gentlemen, if I might have your attention." Gatou smiled toothily as he made his way to the podium at the front of the room.  
"This is truly a joyous occasion, the appointment of a new Harbourmaster, and I am honoured, truly, to take this office upon myself."

Stunned silence.

But the multitude of eyes surreptitiously sought out the suddenly frail-looking Harbourmaster, looking tired and drawn under her makeup, and understood. Several stepped forward as if to protest, but the two henchmen conspicuously putting their hands to their sword hilts made them retreat back into the crowd. One elderly CEO did not.

"There are too many witnesses, Gatou, for you to cut us all down" he called out, leaning heavily on his cane. "And only you and yours walking out of here alive would be too coincidental to ignore."

The toothy grin widened. "True, true. Don't think I don't know about the sword you keep in that cane and your past as a ninja, Osamu Jun. But you have no choice; after all, the Wanitei are about to make a grab for power, taking advantage of an innocent gathering to savage all of Benisu's CEOs and Harbourmaster, and blow up your ships. Such a tragedy."

Chinatsu-ane-ue stepped forward, hair curled back in a tight bun and red eyes burning with marsh-light and bone-fire. "You've been after access to our yards and shipping lanes for years, Gatou, don't fool yourself into thinking we trusted you all this time. You've been blackmailing Harbourmaster Isa Himonoya into handing over her position, and then you frame my people and paint yourself as a victim; you are lower than any worm, parasite!"

The grin dissolved into a thin-lipped smirk, as Gatou reached inside his suit jacket and pulled out a small, one-button remote. "Sticks and stones, swamp-rat, sticks and stones...'"

His thumb came down on the button.

In the distance, even through the large, panoramic windows, you could see the glimmer of blue-green fire and hear the muffled _WHUMPH_ as bundles of Bluefire powder caught alight.

But it didn't come from the docks.

Gatou stood horror-struck as No.3 Kanden Avenue went up in smoke.

* * *

 ***Drags self out from piles of fluff and plot***

 **Oh, poor Kakashi; he's caught a bad case of the Feelings.**

 **And if you mix vinegar with bleach, it makes the highly dangerous chlorine gas, aka, mustard gas. Which irritates your respiratory system, then melts it when it meets the water in your mucus and turns to acid.**

 **Okay, one more chapter in this Venture Arc to go, then an Interlude or two before the Poison Arc.**

* * *

 **For more, heart-shattering feels, my fic recommendation is** As Is the Sea Marvelous **by** black. **. Yes, it's slash, but slow burn and only a single kiss and pondering of feelings of attraction. If that's still not your cup of tea, only read up to chapter 8.  
There's plenty of Angst, complete with suicidal thoughts/self-sacrifice. But Izuna is an adorkable ball of back-sass, the kittens are cute and Tobirama needs(and kind of gets) all the hugs. And it's kind of a fix-it fic, so there's a happy ending, of a sort.  
**


	22. Venture: Licence to Stab

**And so cometh the end of this Arc.**

 **Also, I went back and rewrote parts of chapters 10, 11, 12 and 15. Enjoy. Personally, I think they're a lot smoother now.**

 **In which food is a perfectly valid weapon, and Real Life is not that goddamn theatrical, kid! And buying presents is hard.**

 **Warnings for blatant child death.**

* * *

 _ **Part 6: Licence to Stab**_

The guards standing around the warehouses spun around as the expected explosions came from entirely the wrong direction. That was the first indication that things had not gone according to plan.

The second and third, respectively, were the barbed nets and fishhooks laced with dripping greenish poison tearing through their flesh and the massive scaly leviathans crushing them in gaping, toothy maws.

By the time the fourth thing, Wanitei emerging from the darkness still dripping with seawater, rolled around, they were all dead or dying.  
Why arm themselves appropriately when you were under the impression that the enemies you were going to be facing would already be dead at best and injured and weakened at worst?

With whispers and nods, the armoured crowd made their way along the docks, shadows hideously distorted by the streetlights, towards the rows and rows of cargo freighters that even now began to bristle with the thugs Gatou had employed. Almost in concert, the Wani raised their muzzles and let loose a low, grating roar that shook the air.

As the crowd cowered, a large portion of the Wanitei unslung long narrow objects from their backs and, loading them from a quiver, fired the spear guns. They landed with a volley of _thunks_ , some more meaty than others. Anarchy reigned, of course. That was the point of these tactics, not to actually take back the ships. To keep them occupied, split the force, leave Gatou himself and the bodyguards to Tsuri-ou-sama and Ane-ue-sama as well as the two disguised shinobi.

And if the hordes of Ani-ue got a free meal out of it, well, that was one less thing to worry about.

* * *

The collection of tuxedoed businessmen were the second to break out of the stupor of shock, after the Kiri shinobi. And Chinatsu just stood there, smiling wickedly. "It was simple enough to move the bombs from the compounded ships to your tower; avoiding entirely all the frustration of disarming them. And you're not the only one who had help."

At that, two Wanitei men extricated themselves from their brethren, crooked smirks on both. Rengetsu Houzuki narrowed his eyes, his senses picking up the layer of chakra disguising them. The Henges were released in a cloud of smoke, into Hatake and the Hatake Brat, who Komi and Mon collectively glowered at. But the Hatake Brat dropped _another_ layer of smoke, doubling in height and resolving into a form that Rengetsu was more than passingly familiar with.

He was momentarily distracted by on of Gatou's samurai thugs pressing his katana to the Harbourmaster's throat until a trickle of blood ran down his blade and the room froze. Rengetsu knocked it away, ignoring Gatou's howl of reprimand.  
"Ah, shut up. Mon, you get her out of here, keep her safe-" _why am I sacrificing this advantage for her? Fuck, my emotions_ are _compromised_ "-Komi and I will deal with this end."

Once satisfied that the blue-skinned girl had gotten the woman out of the immediate danger zone, he returned his full focus onto Hatake and the murderous Kaguya runt.

Sensing the break in the mood, everything erupted at once.

The guests started streaming towards the doors. Gatou's two men moved to intercept them. Komi dived for the Kaguya before he could warn her what he was. Hatake was- _move!_

Hatake missed his throat; chin ripped open. Is he _faster_ than before?!

Brace and counterattack! Hit! Spear-shaped hand pierces lungs and heart...of one of Gatou's men. Substitution.

 _Means he's over there!_

Viscous, jelly-like substance in his face. Kaguya threw food; opponent swap? Hatake's holding back on Komi, toying with her. Kill the Brat quickly!

Brat leaps on table, throws roast boar carcass, pins Gatou, shrieking, to the ground. That's pretty funny, actu- _fishhook?_ _!_

Wanitei leader, right. Sword in one hand, fishhook kusari-gama in the other. Where's her partner- finally, cavalry! Gatou's thugs; ideal cannon fodder, keeps those two busy.

Kid deflects my kunai- finally shows those bones- returns fire with _thefuckarethose?_ Firing his own finger bones?

Look up- _oh shit they swapped again_ \- sidestep fireball _feelsearingheatonmyface_ Liquidate to negate kunai stab to the ribs.

Solidify one hand, Suiton: Water Gun. Shattered serving bowl. Substitution _again_.

"Gale Palm."

Oh shit, Solidify and- _dodged!_

 _Komi!_

Nonono- Kaguya saved her?

 _Trap!_

"Lightning Hound."

 _Glowing eye. Red eye._

 _White hot teeth._

 _ohmyfuckingkamithePAIN-_

* * *

"SENSEI!" Snaggletooth girl shrieked. "You skinny pigfucking shitslug, let me go!"

"Your current argument is not very compelling," I chastise her gently. "And I doubt you'll be able to walk wrapped in a curtain and with grapeshot in your leg, courtesy of my homemade Exploding Tags, by the way."

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

Ow, that's loud. "Stronger people than you have tried, Snaggletooth. And he's not dead. Yet. But it's not like he can put up much of a fight at this point."

My scolding is interrupted, by Chinatsu walking over to Gatou, drawn sword in one hand and giant fishhook in the other. He's still stuck under that rack of ribs, by the way. But then, it being a boar makes it a pretty big rack of ribs, and Gatou _is_ a midget.

She raises her sword...and Kakashi-shishou steps forward, stopping it in its descent. Gatou pisses his pants.

 _"Explain._ " Her voice is quicksand-cold.

"Kill Gatou, and an underling we _can't_ predict steps up. Obliterate the entire company, and the smaller countries dependant on it suffer a collapsed economy and want revenge," Shishou states calmly, still with a wary eye on her husband standing a little way off, fishing spear held tight.

"I will have blood," she growls. "Let them come, they can send their warriors. The Archipelago will run red as it did in decades past!" Her tirade is cut off as Hakkai steps forward and lays a hand over hers on the sword hilt.

"My heartsblood, listen to 'im."

"Hakkai-koi, I-"

" _Listen_. Please. Times 'ave changed from t' Warring Clans Era. This will not 'elp anyone; I want 'is death as much as you do, but I cannot see you destroy t' economic world as we know it. T' battlefield 'as changed, 'asn't it, Lost One?"

Kakashi-shishou shakes his head ruefully, and I can sense his Trolling smirk under that mask. "I can't let you _kill_ him, I never said you couldn't _ruin_ him." He pulls a tiny storage scroll out of one of the pockets on his flak jacket, poofing a sheaf of papers from it in turn. "Gatou keeps extensive records of everything, including on himself and his transaction details. I'm sure that if they happened to be leaked to certain officials, he and his company will be stuck up a shit creek without a paddle. Enjoy."

He waved them away with a wide eye-smile, before turning back to me. "Any injuries?"

I shake my head. "Just bruising and some small gashes." He raises a sceptical eyebrow. "I'm serious, shishou! And damn; when did you learn to talk the political compromise talk?"

He shrugs. "Eh, bits and pieces here and there. Oh, and, er, well done. Your taijutsu forms were good." He awkwardly pats me on the shoulder.

 _Urgle. Blagh. Fmeep._ Hatake Kakashi just complimented me, he said I did good, he thinks I did good, haaaaarrrrggggh…!' "Uh, thanks, Shishou. I just can't believe the fight's over so quickly."

"What were you expecting? A gruelling slog, hopelessly outmatched and unprepared, won only with brave sacrifice, motivational speeches and last-minute backup, finished with all-out flashy jutsu? Sounds like you've been reading too many samurai stories."

I laugh nervously, then realise something. "Shishou?"

"Hm?"

Gatou's still stuck on the floor."

"Excellent observational skills."

Snaggletooth picks this lull in the conversation to start shouting again, in exceedingly more profane language. Right. I think I've had about-fucking-enough of her.

Surprisingly, yet somehow unsurprisingly, it takes very little effort for me to pin her to the wall as her sensei did to me not so long ago. "I think you're misunderstanding the situation here," I say utterly calmly, putting _just_ enough pressure on her throat that she can't quite speak. "Your sensei is alive. _You_ are alive. But we have no reason to _keep_ you that way. Even better, we have no reason to keep you in _one piece_. I might be only eleven years old, but I know more about pushing the limits of the human body that _you ever will_. So maybe, _just maybe_ , if you sit perfectly still and keep your mealy-mouthed offal-worm tongue _silent_ , you'll get out of this in one piece."

Obligingly, and gratifyingly, she shuts up. Or maybe it was something to do with the spiked ridges that erupted along my cheekbones. With a sigh, I drop her and retract them.

"The other kids you talked about were innocent. She isn't." Kakashi-shishou answers his own, unasked question. "Now, you should probably hunt down the Samebito girl and the Harbourmaster; I'll take care of the Houzuki."

Before I even cross the room though, a Wanitei shepherds in a pale and trembling Harbourmaster, a barbed net with Bitey girl inside dragging behind him. Streaks of blood decorate the floor as he hauls it along, the feeble twitching indicating that she's alive; but either poisoned by the hooks, in too much pain to struggle, or sensibly staying as still as possible.

Eh, I'll check on her later. For now, I'm going to scavenge from the buffet. I hope that blueberry tart got out unscathed.

* * *

Good news, it did.

Just as I'm stuffing a generous slice in my face, Kakashi-shishou comes over, ozone still crackling on his skin. "Houzuki's dead now. I was thinking we let the Samebito girl take back her comrades' bodies. The red-head knows too much about you."

I hastily swallow my mouthful, and shrug. "Eh, she's an enemy. I don't care if she dies, but I'd rather not do it myself. And I only said 'maybe' to her, so it's not like I lied. And I know you'll make it quick." I don't even need that much emotion-blocking Yang chakra for this.

He nods. "Sure. Draw up two body bag scrolls for me, though?"

"Uh-huh. Oh, and see if she knows where my stuff went!" He flicks an affirmative wave back over his shoulder as he stalks off. Now, to find some ink...

* * *

"I'd just like to thank the both of you for your help," the Harbourmaster said, much more relaxed now that everything was over. "If you hadn't been here, Gatou would have taken over everything. I'll make sure to send Konoha a bonus, on top of what Kou is paying you, of course."

Kou Michiro, our original client, smiled sheepishly at her and passed over the signed trade agreement we had come for in the first place.

"And if there's anything else I can do for you...?" She petered out, enquiringly. Kakashi-shishou makes to speak up, but I quickly butt in.

"Can I get that as an IOU favour, for the future? I can't think of anything specifically right now, so I'd like to invest it."

"Yes, good plan," Kakashi-shishou acknowledges. "For myself...Kimimaro, didn't you say you had shopping you wanted to do?"

Oooh...secrets. Ah well; "Uh, yeah. Meet you back here for high noon?"

"Sounds good. Walk around Henged and stay out of trouble, you hear me?"

"Sure, fine."

* * *

Hmmm...presents, presents, presents. What do I get for every one that'll still be in my price range?

Toshiki knits, so I can just get him some wool, that's him done. And Erumi mentioned that she wanted the new book in the Cloudfish series, so that's simple enough. I also buy her one of the Cloudfish netsuke toggles that are really collectable right now.

Yuyu and Itachi...are much harder.  
I end up circling around the island and looking at everything I can see.

Think, think, _think_!  
What do they both like or do?

Itachi does get cold feet; woolly bed-socks? No, too tacky and utilitarian. Well, I could get those, and another thing. Got to be personal, the Uchiha are pretty wealthy, after all, so a pricy gift wouldn't seem thoughtful. And it's pointless for me to _make_ anything, it's got to be from Benisu; that's the whole point of a souvenir.  
No ornaments, he doesn't like clutter.  
Something individual and classy, that's more like it!

Something to make him stand out a bit, without being overbearing. A style change, as it were.

Clothing? No, too disposable and he'll grow out of it.  
Jewellery? Mmmnneh...could be too much of a danger in a fight, and he already wears that heirloom tomoe necklace. Mind, his hair's long enough, which is a bit of a traditionally ballsy-but-true statement, since long hair is historically a shinobi dare of 'can't catch _me_ , bitches'. He always wears it back in a ponytail though, and he get's really annoyed when people - _cough_ \- Shisui - _cough_ \- pull it out.

Right. Some sort of hair-tie. Practical, with a bit of elegance and something that marks it as being from Benisu.

...

Argh! I can't find anything that looks right!

At least, until I stop at a street-food cart and stand around to eat my massive nikuman bun and watch people walk by.

Benisu is an international trading centre, and there are plenty of people from the Old Continent. All the little countries are pretty insular and old-fashioned, and have to co-exist with all the territories of the Summon animals while avoiding the Primordials.  
The point I'm trying to make is, they have a different culture.

All the men wear hair pins.

Not just kanzashi, either, but of every shape and material you could think of. Jewels, carved wood, metal, with tassels and plumes and strings, shaped like animals, some with blades... And while they're usually through buns, some are in ponytails or stuck into chonmages and cornrows and braids.

Okay. Now to find where I can buy one.

...

Oooh, they sell _bladed_ ones in this shop. Perfect.

Now, Kanoko Dome are too fancy and decorative, and Ōgi are too rattly. Nothing sparkly or with a tendency to catch on anything...

Finally, I'm torn between a black wood Kogai with an inner blade, with a blue-black ombre tassel and chunks of abalone shell inlaid on each end; a simple steel blade with a round tiger eye stone on the end and a slender chain of small pheasant feathers as a bira-bira; and a slender sharpened bone made from a marlin's bill with a bira-bira of a rope of leopardskin jasper beads.

Hmmm.

The bone could give off connotations that are a bit too clingy, and it's quite expensive. I like Itachi, but I don't like him _that_ much; 630 ryo isn't much, in context, but it's a day's food and water bill.

The tassel of the Kogai is a bit long and could swing round and be annoying.

That leaves the tiger eye and pheasant one. I check the price tag again. It's much less than the bone, about 390 ryo, but, yeah, I'm haggling. Or bartering could work...give me a minute...

"Hey, takumi-san. Bone costs quite a bit for you to buy, right?"

"Yes, it does."

I slide the kanzashi over the counter. "I happen to have a supply of bone on me. 80 ryo in cash, I'll make up the other half in bone. Fifty-fifty."

The old man stares at me with beady eyes that glint through spectacles under beetling grey eyebrows. "Ninja?"

"Yep."

"Let me see what you've got first, then we'll talk."

I reach into my sleeve and pull out the bone that's already protruding, ready to be pulled out. "True bone like an antler, not hollow," I say, as he picks it up and hefts it to feel the weight. "Perfectly smooth and straight, as well as a generous length and diameter. You'd be hard pressed to find bone like this anywhere else. I reckon it's worth about...ooh...250 ryo."

"No, I'd say 150, given that I need the plausible deniability. So that's 250 ryo cash."

I pull out another one, slightly smaller. "100 ryo, and these two. And they're not from someone that's been killed."

He shoots me a wary glare. "No stop talking; plausible deniability and as far as you're concerned, we've never seen each other before in our lives. Done."

I fork over the cash. "Done."

He wraps it in a piece of fabric and I walk out the door with my purchase. Mission accomplished.

Now, a pair of woolly socks and... _Yuyu_. Fuck.

* * *

Yuyu didn't show up in the manga or anime, I don't know anything about her!

Okay, okay, focus. That's not true, I do know stuff about her.

She likes bioengineering her insects, she likes karinto and pasta, she hates being stuck in a crowd, she has a rather wobbly sense of ethical boundaries, she thinks I need protecting, she doesn't like being controlled, she wants to be a frontline fighter.

And I've never, ever seen her wear jewellery or any decorative hair-ties, so that option's out.

I'm her Soldier, and I'm supporting her, so I guess I should show that support for what she wants to do. Insects, frontline. Insects, frontline. Insects, frontline...

Something useful, equipment. Something she can use with her kikaichu. Aburame usually carry around extra kikaichu in gourds or bags, but those are first things you aim at if you want to disable an Aburame. Armour? No, too bulky, she's only little, and I'm not made of money. A belt or vest, then, with lots of different pouches so she can take all her bioengineered hives around with her!

Yes! I can do this!

Now to look for someplace that sells something like that.

No, no. This is Yuyu. It needs to be special. And the material should be extra-strong, just in case.

I think I know just the thing...

* * *

Back on the Wanitei warship, I get my answer.

"We don' give our Ani-ue leather t' anyone, Bitesize," the Wanitei Prince-Consort says ruefully, in the midst of having a gash on his arm bandaged by an attendant. "Anyone. We go' shark leather, though, plen'y of it. Happy for you t' have t'at."

"Oh, thank you so much!" I breathe. "It's for Yuyu, so it has to be special, you see."

His eyes crinkle with a smile. "Ohhh…for a friend. I see... Well, le's see wha' we got...'

* * *

"Looks like you had fun," Kakashi-shishou raises an eyebrow as I seal a sealing scroll into my skin. "Have you got all your stuff sealed back in there as well?"

"Do you know how many funny looks I got, as a four-year-old buying things without parental supervision?" I huff. "I swear, if I get kidnapped by Child Services for 'my own good', I'm putting all the blame on you! That's if I don't get kidnapped and sold into some form of child exploitation first."

"Well, _someone's_ grumpy."

"You would be too, if people kept thinking you were 'playing ninja' and asking where your parents were. And on that note, why couldn't they give me a forehead plate when I accepted the Apprenticeship?"

A horn sounds, and we start walking up the boarding ramp to the ferry. "They're made in batches, for the end of each Academy year. I pulled you out in the middle of the year, and they didn't have anybody fail or dropout last year, so they didn't have spares."

"Great; I have to wait another two months. It's bad enough that it's been two months of D-ranks and training since I became your Apprentice."

"Hey now, that's enough sass," he says warningly. "And you're gonna be stuck with me for a long time to come. Now, on the way back, we'll be going over Lightning Nature Transformation and your chemical reactions. Don't think I haven't forgotten those chlorine bombs you made!"

* * *

"Hey, it's one of Houzuki's brats!"

Mon coughed and spat up sand as she heaved herself up onto the beach, before strong arms took hold of her and pulled her the rest of the way out of the water.

"Dead," she finally managed to gasp. "I'm...only one...'"

"Your team was the one sent to Benisu, right?" One of the Kiri patrol muttered as he peeled off the chakra-sealing tag that had kept her from water-walking. "You had to swim all the way back to escape?"

"They let me go," she shook her head, trembling fingers passing over the waterproof bag with the two body bag scrolls in.

"You realise that means we'll have to take you in for Interrogation."

"'Kay."

* * *

Over Yagura's shoulder, Obito skimmed through the T&I report and the draft for an updated Bingo Book entry.

"A _child_? The _fuck_ _?!_ "

* * *

 **And so the Arc ends. But the repercussions continue.**

 **Next time;**

 **Interlude: Cat Eggs and Tall Tales**


End file.
